Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how you decide where to spend Christmas?

88 replies

StuntNun · 07/09/2014 10:57

DH wants to spend Christmas with his parents who live locally, I want to spend Christmas with my parents who we would have to fly to visit. How does everyone else decide where they are going to spend Christmas when there is a difference of opinion?

OP posts:
cherrybombxo · 07/09/2014 13:04

Last Christmas was our first living together. The previous year we had our Christmas dinner on the 23rd and then spent the day itself at our respective parents' houses, 50 miles apart. Last year we chose to have a quiet Christmas in the flat and it was lovely. We saw his parents (who live ten minutes away) on Boxing Day for present swapping and a hot chocolate and then travelled to see my parents on the 28th, when the train service resumed. Neither of us drive and it's an hour on the train followed by 45 minutes on a bus to get to my parents. I think we will do the same again this year.

I think you should put your foot down, your DP has had plenty of Christmases with his family in recent years. You're hardly being unreasonable wanting to be with your own parents.

JanineStHubbins · 07/09/2014 13:10

Since we got married, we spent both Christmases with my family, we'll be doing the same this year.

We live abroad; our parents are at opposite ends of our home country. PIL have never visited us, never invited us to stay, and in 8 years I've never spent a night in their house. I would never spend Christmas there, and DH wouldn't want us to either. Phew!

dreamingofsun · 07/09/2014 13:10

as i said before, i think you ought to look into cost and available flights. You might find they are too expensive/all booked in which case i think you put your foot down and say right following one is a definate, we start saving now and tell my parents. families are about compromise and your hubby doesn't seem to be.

Squitten · 07/09/2014 13:18

Sounds like it's time to see your parents this year.

We alternate-ish! MIL is big into Xmas hosting and wants us and BIL's family all together so we do that one year (this year!) The alternative year we stay at home. I don't see my family at Xmas. None of us drive and transport is dead so it's not practical and in my family, those with kids always stayed at home.

However, BIL goes off to his wife's family that same year so now it is sort of expected that MIL comes to us so basically we now spend every Xmas with her otherwise she's on her own. It's a bit cheeky of BIL but it's fine.

Don't know what MIL will say when I inform them that we will be on a Xmas holiday in 2yrs time for DH's 40th on "her" year!

Mrsgrumble · 07/09/2014 13:20

Having had dh parents past few time it's is undoubtedly your turn to go to yours.

paxtecum · 07/09/2014 13:23

I think your DH is BU.

Could you fly out on Boxing Day and stay with your parents for a week?

trinity0097 · 07/09/2014 13:27

We have Christmas at home, my in-laws come over 2.5hrs drive and stay the night and go home after lunch on Boxing Day, my parents often come too (2 day road trip!), in which case in-laws stay in a travelodge.

siblingrevelryagain · 07/09/2014 13:27

As the children got older and wanted to stay at home with their toys we set a 'rule' (the only 'rule' we have over Xmas I should add!).

We stay at home and host, and the in-laws and my parents alternate year on year between coming to us for either Xmas brunch or Xmas dinner. This way they all get to see the grandchildren, we don't have to de-camp and travel on Xmas day and we can 'spoil' both sets of parents a bit.

wanderingcloud · 07/09/2014 13:29

We alternate. Mil ALWAYS moans when it's not her year but that's life.

OP find out the costs of going with DCs to your parents and if it's doable then tell your DH that is what you're doing. He can stay home if he wants. He's being incredibly selfish based on how many years he's been able to stay at home with his family.

hamptoncourt · 07/09/2014 13:31

Fuck him! Tell him it's your turn to choose and you and DC are going to your parents. You will still have a far better time than if you have to spend it with ILS again from the sounds of it.

Why is he saying he won't have a good time with your family?

And if you do have Christmas at home another year, why do you have to have all his family coming?

All this "DH is flat out refusing to go" is fine if your parents have treated him badly, but your posts make no mention of a falling out. It sound like he just wants to get his own way.

HopefulHamster · 07/09/2014 13:38

Your DH is being unreasonable. If flights to your parents are unaffordable over actual christmas I'd still make sure you go for a decent period over the holidays. They must be gutted to miss out with you every year. I can't believe your DH thinks it's all about him.

Pinksun12 · 07/09/2014 13:51

Both sets of family live in different countries, either 10 hour car journey, the other car and overnight ferry or flight with hire car, and I don't need this at Christmas where traffic chaos is always likely to occur. So we stay at home (people are welcome to visit though) and see them at other times of the year when flights are cheaper

XiCi · 07/09/2014 14:02

He really is being a selfish bastard. Have you sat down and talked to him about this or does he just automatically assume he always gets his own way? Ask him how he'd feel if you had both spent the last 6 Xmas with your parents and he never got to see his. The fact your dad can't even get to you if he wanted to makes his behaviour even worse. No wonder your mum is upset. Apart from anything else I'm sure they'd love to see their GC at Xmas.

I would book flights for you and the kids, I'd bet anything he will change his mind and go with you. Sounds like he thinks you are just going to go along with whatever he says. If you stay and host Xmas it sounds like you will just be resentful and Xmas will be ruined anyway.

Fluffyears · 07/09/2014 14:04

We only get Christmas Day, Boxing Day and 1st January off. (I get 2nd January as my office takes it as a Scottish holiday). Chrisymas day last year we had mil, my mum and brother over but previous years we've been ourselves or been out for dinner with everyone. We need to decide if we are going out this year fairly soon.

Original poster
StuntNun · 07/09/2014 14:17

It's no problem for us to get to my parents' house, flights would be about £220 in total. The problem is their house is small and crowded with all five of us there (hence the garage conversion). My mum and DH have a 'traditional' relationship (he's not good enough for my daughter / she's an interfering bossy boots) so it wouldn't be as comfortable for him as spending Christmas at home. His take is that it's selfish of me to ask him to spoil his Christmas by spending it at my parents' house. To be fair it will be busy, noisy and present opening will probably be a rushed affair first thing rather than the leisurely approach we usually take at home.

I suppose I have an anxiety issue about it all as no one in his family will make any Christmas plans until the eleventh hour and by then it will be too late for us to change our plans. One year we decided not to go over to my parents so we could spend Christmas with his parents then they decided to go to Scotland for Christmas at which point it was too late for us to book flights. Also after the stress of last year's disastrous Christmas Day I want to have things arranged earlier so that I'll be able to cope this time rather than ending up in a deep depression for the whole of January like this year.

OP posts:
Alligatorpie · 07/09/2014 14:31

Our parents live in different countries to us. For the past three years we have gone to dh's family as it was only a 5 hour flight (23 hours travelling to my family).
This year we have moved, so it is a 12 hour flight to either family. We are seeing my family as dd2 has never had an Xmas with my family. But, this is the last time. I have told all three sets of grandparents that we will not be doing this again. The expense, and the jet lag are just too much - especially with 2 dds. They have been warned that as of next year they are welcome to join us in a warm south east Asian country, but we are not travelling to them.
Your dh is bu btw. And selfish. It is your turn.

PiperIsOrange · 07/09/2014 14:39

If I'm not working I stay at home.

Pagwatch · 07/09/2014 14:58

Hmm I'm not sure I would want to spend Christmas with a mother who didn't think I was good enough.
Is that really a typical relationship? My mum thinks my DH is brilliant and my DH treats her with huge respect and affection.

I think you have more issues than location tbh. It all sounds incredibly tense and antagonistic.

combust22 · 07/09/2014 14:58

At home. Christmas at home is too important to miss.

LiegeAndLief · 07/09/2014 14:59

Your dh is being massively unreasonable. He is essentially saying that you can never spend Christmas with your parents again and your dc can never see that set of grandparents over Christmas because he can't be an adult and suck it up for a couple of days.

We have MIL for Christmas every year - she is a widow and dh is an only child. I cannot stand the woman and I wish to god she would go somewhere else, I would have a much more enjoyable Christmas without her. But she is ds's mother, and I married him, and the kids love her. So I get on with it (and drink a lot).

We usually have my parents as well - fortunately they can afford to stay in a hotel just down the road as we don't have enough room for everyone, and if they had to spend 24 hours in the same house as MIL they'd probably kill her.

BackforGood · 07/09/2014 15:04

Of course YANBU, but your dh IBU, and very selfish.

I'd have thought once with your parents, once at home, once with his parents was a fair 'rota'.

I would be booking flights for me and the dc and telling him he was welcome to be part of your family or not, but he wasn't going to stop me being so. He needs to understand that being married to someone does mean some compromises - very often one of those is spending alternate years doing things in a different way from the way you were brought up - as it sounds you have been doing for the last 5 yrs or so. That's how compromise works.

StrangeGlue · 07/09/2014 15:07

What does your DH suggest to stop his folks ruining it and ensuring it isn't as stressful ad last yeR? If he's not proposing anything on that front then he's expecting you to have an unenjoyable Xmas for what he wants. There has to be some middle ground where you two work together to make sure you both have a nice time.

StrangeGlue · 07/09/2014 15:08

We stay at home and have whoever wants to come but sounds like you should have a home, at ILs and your folks rota.

HolgerDanske · 07/09/2014 15:12

I always spend Christmas at home. Just us. It's perfect.

That way you can tack on a visit to each side of the family in turn either before or after Christmas in alternate years.

WhereYouLeftIt · 07/09/2014 15:40

" My mum and DH have a 'traditional' relationship (he's not good enough for my daughter / she's an interfering bossy boots) so it wouldn't be as comfortable for him as spending Christmas at home. His take is that it's selfish of me to ask him to spoil his Christmas by spending it at my parents' house."
Right, so their relationship needs attending to - and not just for the sake of Christmas. In what way does your mother communicate that he's not good enough for you? What would her reaction be if you told her she needs to wind her neck in make amends? If she is so "gutted" about you not coming for Christmas, is she willing to mend this relationship? And your husband - is he reacting to your mother, or causing their relationship to be fraught? Personally I'd be inclined to warn my mother to be on her best behaviour and tell my husband to grow the fuck up it's once a year and only for a couple of days; but then you've mentioned anxiety, I appreciate that might be difficult for you.

I'd also be stressing to your husband that it's not just 'his' Christmas. In fact, it's not even his Christmas. It is everyone's Christmas, particularly children's Christmas. Surely they should get a chance to spend it with all their family? Plus, he had what he wanted last year and it was fucking miserable for you so STFU, this year it's your Christmas.

It really is time for your husband to behave like an adult. And for your mother too.

"my choices are: spend Christmas with my parents but away from my DH and kids, spend Christmas with my parents and kids but away from my DH, or have another Christmas at home with my kids and my DH and hope his parents don't fuck it all up again like last year."
Of the three, I'd take the kids to my parents and he could consider whether to spend his Christmas being a father, or a son .