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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell BIL to sod off despite him coming 300 miles to visit

85 replies

PhoebeMcPeePee · 06/09/2014 23:52

DH gets on ok with his brother but they're no longer close due to distance & lack of interest (BIL visited twice in 15 yrs & is often 'busy' when we go back to DH's home town 2-3 x a year).

It was a significant birthday for DH last week & a few months ago we toyed with the idea of throwing a big party the Saturday after ie today. DH emailed his brother to see if he would come, didn't hear back (typical) so didn't think any more of it. In the end we decided against it as DH didn't want the fuss or expense. Big Birthday came & went without a call or card from BIL (again typical) and we've had a lovely family day today out as per DH's request.

All good until we get home Hmmto find BIL has been trying to ring all afternoon (DH's mobile had died) as he'd turned up on our doorstep as a big surprise for the party Shock

I refused to cancel our dinner plans & told DH he couldn't stay so BIL is currently sulking in a local b&b and no doubt mil will be mortified that golden son has been treated so badly after such a wonderful gesture Confused

I'm guessing BIL was in the area anyway (has done previously but never contacted us) but I do feel bad for DH & it's put a real dampner on an otherwise lovely day for DH's special birthday Hmm.

Was I unreasonable to tell BIL to sod off or is he a knob for just turning up expecting us to welcome him into our home despite not hearing a word from him for months.

OP posts:
MrsCakesPrecognition · 06/09/2014 23:56

TBH I think it should have been your DP's decision whether he wanted to spend time with his DB or not. Your OP sounds like you stepped in and laid down the law to them both, in a rather rude way. I wouldn't appreciate my DH telling me when I can and cannot see my DSis.

Original poster
PhoebeMcPeePee · 06/09/2014 23:56

Oh sorry that was long Blush

OP posts:
LadyLuck10 · 06/09/2014 23:57

Why couldn't you invite him to dinner? What did your DH say? Did he want his Db to stay with yourll?

DragonMamma · 06/09/2014 23:57

He's being a bit of a useless knob but you were also really rude. I would never turn somebody away who'd turned up on my doorstep.

I understand you not changing your plans but making him stay at s B&B (if you have space to accommodate) is beyond rude.

TryingNotToLaugh · 06/09/2014 23:57

Why was this your decision? It's your dh's birthday, and brother. What did he want to do?

arethereanyleftatall · 06/09/2014 23:59

Unless there's more to it, from your op it sounds like you were incredibly rude. Isn't it your dh decision to make? And it sounds like the bil has done a lovely thing. Did you even ask him if he came especially or was just passing?

mrsmalcolmreynolds · 06/09/2014 23:59

YANBU although your case for defensive purposes will be strengthened if you had let DBIL know in advance that the big party plans had been cancelled. However either way DBIL has no leg to stand on.

However, did you give your DH a say in all this? It is after all his birthday and his family.

Original poster
PhoebeMcPeePee · 07/09/2014 00:01

DH was/is very much "fuck him" so I was being led by him but to be fair I could have facilitated a get-together & offered to host him to smooth the waters

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 07/09/2014 00:01

YANBU, he turned up without even asking you what you were up to.

If he thought it was for a birthday bash why didn't he ask for any details beforehand? Or did he think you'd be fine with him crashing at yours uninvited?

Was you insistence at keeping to your plans because you wanted to enhance your DHs birthday, or did a bit of what you think about your BIL being a twat the golden boy and the probably shitty way your MIL treats your DH seep out a little bit?

Grin

Not that I blame you if it did tbh, but you don't mention what your DH said he'd prefer to do.

IAmAShitHotLawyer · 07/09/2014 00:01

YABU

InThisTogether · 07/09/2014 00:02

maybe a bit of both...? Sounds like he's a baddie but then it might have been 'prudent' to have been polite?
More importantly, what did your DH want? After all, it was his birthday. How did he feel?

BobPatandIgglePiggle · 07/09/2014 00:04

You were seriously rude!

Even if I was really pissed off at the non contact I'd have gritted my teeth,welcomed him in and quickly added him to the dinner plans

I'd be mortified if I was your dh.

TryingNotToLaugh · 07/09/2014 00:04

Yabu then. You only see the guy once in a blue moon, you should have asked him to join in your plans.

thicketofstars · 07/09/2014 00:05

If it was a husband telling his wife to send her sister away (and the sister wasn't abusive, or at least not more than sisters usually are), I think we'd see a very negative reaction on this board. I fully sympathise that your BIL sounds a bad egg, but what you've done in response is not a reasonable thing to do (and your hubbie sounds under the thumb a bit).

Merrylegs · 07/09/2014 00:08

You don't like the brother, (you think he's flakey ansd self-centered) plus you think mil favours him (does she? Not his fault.) So you have dumped all your preconceptions and prejudice on him and instead of salvaging an awkward situation have made it worse. Not cool.

mrsmalcolmreynolds · 07/09/2014 00:10

But thicket OP has confirmed this was led by her DH, although that's far from clear on the original OP.

mymummademelistentoshitmusic · 07/09/2014 00:18

I'm guessing you're the reason he doesn't visit more often. Your poor dh.

Original poster
PhoebeMcPeePee · 07/09/2014 00:23

Dinner was at a friends & we haven't got a spare room (although can accommodate guests with some rejigging of DC bedrooms). Sorry if I wasn't clear but it most definitely wasn't me telling DH that BIL couldn't stay - DH was baffled by his arrival (they've not spoken for 6 months) & made no moves to invite him so I didn't see why I should bend over backwards but do agree i could have been more welcoming & persuaded DH to include him in our plans or at least offer the sofa.

Grin @ the idea of DH being under the thumb though

OP posts:
MrsPiggie · 07/09/2014 00:24

YABU. The guy has made an effort to come and see his brother for his birthday. You have likely caused a rift between them and between you and your in-laws now just because BIL has behaved a bit immaturely. They are brothers - brothers can behave like kids to each other sometimes (I should know, DH has 3 of them). You could have handled this so much better.

Original poster
PhoebeMcPeePee · 07/09/2014 00:25

Oh dear I guess I'll have to bear the brunt of the fall-out based on these replies.

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 07/09/2014 00:30

'The guy has made an effort to come and see his brother for his birthday.'

Isn't that what the OP's saying though, that his mum he might portray it as him making an effort for his brothers birthday to make himself look good but in reality the OP suspects he was passing anyway and he only dropped in because it suited his needs.

AgentZigzag · 07/09/2014 00:31

You did kind of take responsibility for giving him the brush off in your OP Phoebe Grin

drudgetrudy · 07/09/2014 00:33

Feel sorry for your dh-YABU

Nanny0gg · 07/09/2014 00:41

You invited him. He came. You didn't tell him of the change of plans.

I assume he didn't RSVP as a surprise.

This maybe the last you see of him at all.

I think you were (both) rude.

AgentZigzag · 07/09/2014 00:41

I feel sorry for your DH too, especially thinking about how being made to feel that he's second best to his brother when he was a child must have affected him.