To tell BIL to sod off despite him coming 300 miles to visit

[PhoebeMcPeePee]

DH gets on ok with his brother but they're no longer close due to distance & lack of interest (BIL visited twice in 15 yrs & is often 'busy' when we go back to DH's home town 2-3 x a year).

It was a significant birthday for DH last week & a few months ago we toyed with the idea of throwing a big party the Saturday after ie today. DH emailed his brother to see if he would come, didn't hear back (typical) so didn't think any more of it. In the end we decided against it as DH didn't want the fuss or expense. Big Birthday came & went without a call or card from BIL (again typical) and we've had a lovely family day today out as per DH's request.

All good until we get home to find BIL has been trying to ring all afternoon (DH's mobile had died) as he'd turned up on our doorstep as a big surprise for the party

I refused to cancel our dinner plans & told DH he couldn't stay so BIL is currently sulking in a local b&b and no doubt mil will be mortified that golden son has been treated so badly after such a wonderful gesture

I'm guessing BIL was in the area anyway (has done previously but never contacted us) but I do feel bad for DH & it's put a real dampner on an otherwise lovely day for DH's special birthday .

Was I unreasonable to tell BIL to sod off or is he a knob for just turning up expecting us to welcome him into our home despite not hearing a word from him for months.

Argh - cut off too soon.

The op's husband and his brother seem to have a similar kind of relationship as my husband and his brother. It doesn't endear you to a person.

If op's husbands wasn't arsed about his brother being there then I don't see why the op is getting such flack.

As another poster has said it sounds as though he's the type with enough ego to think that his mere presence made the day.

He's family enough to be invited, but not family enough to check it was convenient for him to stay?

"Family" should work both ways.

This is baffling to me. He has 3 siblings who he is not particularly close to. I cannot under any circumstances envisage an occasion where I would refuse them house space for a night. OK maybe if they were turning up unannounced on a weekly basis or something. But as a one off? I think you were incredibly rude to turn him away over a misunderstanding.
Equally rude would have been to bring her along to your friends for dinner. I would be fuming if a guest brought along an extra person. Or rang at short notice to ask if they could.
In this situation I would have laughed at BIG called him a daft pillock. Let him in to the house. Pointed him in direction of fridge/ take away menus. Told him we had prior engagement but would be back later or arrange to meet for a drink after.

He = H
BIG = BIL

So, what was bil's thoughtful present for his bro's significant birthday?

Because he's, yunno, family.

It wasn't even an invite though, was it? Merely an email to guage interest. No reasonable person would take that as a definite invite and just turn up without making further enquiries to see if the party was going ahead.
I'm betting there's another purpose to this trip or BIL's original plans fell through so he thought he'd try your house for entertainment.

The OP says she doesn't have a spare bedroom though. If we have kids/ stepkids here there is nowhere for extra guests unless they come prepared to sleep on the floor. Expecting to stay with someone unexpectedly unless it's an emergency is rude.
He sounds really self centred and unable to conceive of him not being the centre of attention on someone else's birthday.
I wouldn't just turn up at my sibs' on one of their birthdays. It's usually a busy day. Different if prearranged

It was a choice of being rude to bil or being rude to friends hosting dinner. Bit of a no brainer really.

What a downer on his birthday.

Family occasions ruined by incomers meddling in the dynamics.
Someone is always 'the golden one','the jealous one',the spoilt one',the beauty' etc.Just how things are in big families.

Your poor old Mil.Let us know the fallout of this horrible episode...'do you want to be right or happy' as dr.Phil always chuntered on about.