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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell BIL to sod off despite him coming 300 miles to visit

85 replies

PhoebeMcPeePee · 06/09/2014 23:52

DH gets on ok with his brother but they're no longer close due to distance & lack of interest (BIL visited twice in 15 yrs & is often 'busy' when we go back to DH's home town 2-3 x a year).

It was a significant birthday for DH last week & a few months ago we toyed with the idea of throwing a big party the Saturday after ie today. DH emailed his brother to see if he would come, didn't hear back (typical) so didn't think any more of it. In the end we decided against it as DH didn't want the fuss or expense. Big Birthday came & went without a call or card from BIL (again typical) and we've had a lovely family day today out as per DH's request.

All good until we get home Hmmto find BIL has been trying to ring all afternoon (DH's mobile had died) as he'd turned up on our doorstep as a big surprise for the party Shock

I refused to cancel our dinner plans & told DH he couldn't stay so BIL is currently sulking in a local b&b and no doubt mil will be mortified that golden son has been treated so badly after such a wonderful gesture Confused

I'm guessing BIL was in the area anyway (has done previously but never contacted us) but I do feel bad for DH & it's put a real dampner on an otherwise lovely day for DH's special birthday Hmm.

Was I unreasonable to tell BIL to sod off or is he a knob for just turning up expecting us to welcome him into our home despite not hearing a word from him for months.

OP posts:
Tittifilarious · 07/09/2014 08:06

vycount that's what I meant - it would've been daft of bil to expect to stay if he hadn't explicitly been told he could. However, as we know the party didn't go ahead, Op wasn't accommodating other people and the couch wasn't taken so I do think the "no space" angle is weak.

GnomeDePlume · 07/09/2014 08:20

YANBU

Not replying to the original party enquiry was rude. As a result he had no reason to assume that the party details were still as originally discussed. Rather silly of him in fact. Also very self-centered to plan to rock up unexpectedly at someone else's party with a ta-daa.

Arrogant, self-important people like that should be taken down a peg or two every now and then!

The brother had absolutely no reason to just turn up on the doorstep demanding bed and board. I would certainly send my own DB away in these circumstances (similar lack of closeness).

Blu · 07/09/2014 08:20

LOL. How many posts before it became the MIL's fault?

the BIL was invited. A big misunderstanding all round, but it could have been handled so much better when he turned up. Did you not even offer him a drink and make plans to meet for lunch today?

YABU. It was an awkward situation, but either you' e invited someone or you have 't. And it's unfair to justify the whole thing as his fault .

poolomoomon · 07/09/2014 08:20

Hmm well... Even though BIL didn't RSVP surely you had to contact everyone you'd invited to let them know you'd changed plans? BIL should have been informed regardless that the party was cancelled so for that, yabu.

For the rest of it yanbu. He can't just not be arsed with you 99% of the time and then the 1% of the time HE decides to be on HIS terms expect you to pander to his every need. So in this example that would have been cancelling dinner plans with your friends just to spend time with BIL. Imagine a thread from your friends perspective if they'd cooked you dinner and you'd cancelled literally at the last minute OR if you turned up with an extra guest they hadn't catered for! So in this example there's not really much you could have done for BIL aside from making plans with him the next day or whatever. So "oh BIL, so sorry we didn't contact you to let you know party was cancelled. You didn't RSVP so didn't think you would turn up. We have other plans with friends tonight but if you would like to meet up tomorrow and do something that could be fun." If that's possible for everyone that is. I don't think you were rude aside from not informing him that the party was cancelled when you decided on that.

GnomeDePlume · 07/09/2014 08:30

Even though BIL didn't RSVP surely you had to contact everyone you'd invited to let them know you'd changed plans? BIL should have been informed regardless that the party was cancelled so for that, yabu.

Why should the people who cant be arsed to reply get that level of consideration? The whole thing of the R is RSVP is that you respondez. If you dont then you should not expect to be part of any future communication about the event.

Someone who wasnt self-centered would have contacted OP's DH and said 'is the party still on as I will be in the neighbourhood and would like to come along if that isnt inconvenient?'

Unfortunately the brother was self-centered and wanted to have his little moment of drama. So he got the appropriate response - the bum's rush!

OTheHugeManatee · 07/09/2014 08:44

YANBU. It would have been very rude to your friends either to cancel the dinner they were hosting at an hour or so's notice (they would doubtless already have bought and started cooking) or else to make them include your BIL (just utterly not done).

I suppose you could at a pinch have offered to rearrange rooms etc to put him up but IMO it's pretty rude to turn up on someone's doorstep 'as a surprise' and expect to stay.

I'm surprised at all the people thinking YWBU.

Monopolice · 07/09/2014 08:49

Can you head this off (a few hours too late) with a call to him today inviting him to lunch?

Hollycopter · 07/09/2014 08:51

I don't see why someone turning up and assuming they'll be welcome should force the OP into asking friends if they could bring along another uninvited person to a meal they're hosting. Ok, it wouldn't bother some people here, and that's nice, but I think that it's essentially rude and puts the hosts into a very awkward situation if they want/need to refuse.

CombineBananaFister · 07/09/2014 08:55

I think you were a bit rude but I actually don't think there i anything wrong with that if someone has behaved badly (BIL was self-important and assuming by the sounds of it)

Is it not okay to be rude to people anymore that have been annoying? are you meant to be the epitome of good manners to people when they are being an arse?

YANBU - it's not okay to rock up without rsvp AND expect accommodation then sulk about it when you are not welcomed with open arms. But perhaps your DH should have done the talking.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 07/09/2014 08:57

Everyone seems to be reading the OP and responding as if OP laid down the law whereas further posts suggest that's not the case.
He didn't attend the party as a surprise, there was no party! And the fact that he didn't know this is due to the fact that he never replied to the original invitation nor spoke to his brother for the past 6 months, including on his (significant) birthday.
If you've got a houseful and alternative plans of course you can't and shouldn't just drop them for a selfish twunt who basically turned up on spec and expected to be accommodated.

happyyonisleepyyoni · 07/09/2014 09:02

If he wanted to give his brother a nice surprise, why the hell didn't he let you in on it, then you could have asked your friend to cater for an extra person, and made a bed up for him.

That said if it had been me I would have made more of an effort to include him-called the friend to ask if they could feed an extra one/picked up more food, and,offered sofa for the night.

So fault on both sides.

Icimoi · 07/09/2014 09:16

I think one of the questions is whether BIL was actually invited - people are assuming he was, but the OP reads to me as if the original approach was along the lines of "We're thinking of having a party, if we did, would you come?" Which is not the same thing at all. Furthermore, surely he needed to check the arrangements? He had no idea about what time the party might be, and if they had had a party it wouldn't necessarily have been at OP's house, they might well have decided to have it at a local hall or hotel, or indeed they might have based it round a holiday and done it somewhere totally different.

A lot of people seem also to have missed the fact that the dinner was at a friend's house, so it wasn't open to the OP to invite the BIL there.

trixymalixy · 07/09/2014 09:27

I think you were rude. Could you not have asked your friend if they could have fitted one more in for dinner? I can't think of any of my friends who wouldn't just have budged up and made him welcome.

Pagwatch · 07/09/2014 09:29

I love the BIL.
He gets invited to a party and doesn't reply so that everyone will be so surprised and delighted when he turns up.
I'm going to use that...'of course I didn't RSVP! It was a surprise - I'm here!

Original poster
PhoebeMcPeePee · 07/09/2014 09:36

DH has dug out his email to BIL & no wonder DH was baffled - it was a really vague 'we're thinking about having a party on xx date trying to gauge numbers etc let me know". DH is unrepentant this morning & (quite rightly) feels that if he'd have bothered to speak to MIL recently he might have know she came to stay last weekend &/or asked about the party. IME he never contacts family (including his own teen DCHmm) unless he's either gaining something or not being inconvenienced & as DH isn't bothered I'm afraid I'm not going to feel bad either.

OP posts:
silverten · 07/09/2014 10:04

I'm with you OP.

Sounds to me like BIL read the 'invitation', didn't think it was sufficiently important (to him ) to be worth a reply, but kept it in the back of his mind to drop in if he didn't have anything better to do. Convenient that it was all supposed to be a lovely surprise, isn't it? Rather manipulative of him- making you look like you didn't appreciate his 'effort'... When actually he couldn't even be arsed to dignify his bro's birthday with a quick text.

I'm not close to my brother but I at least remember his birthday. It doesn't take a lot of effort, but I bother.

WalkJumpClimb34 · 07/09/2014 10:59

Good for you for standing up to BIL. He sounds awful and needed to be taught a lesson. I think you and your dh were both great. Only you know how awful he is.

Branleuse · 07/09/2014 11:03

why did you invitehim originally if you both hate him so much. I think youre all rude

morethanlaundry · 07/09/2014 11:09

My brother is flaky beyond belief and it's entirely likely he would turn up to a party without RSVPing or checking it was on.

I would be bloody delighted to see him and if my DH 'laid down the law' and kicked him out i would 'lay down the law' and kick DH out until he caught himself on.

YouTheCat · 07/09/2014 11:17

Party or not, it is very rude to just turn up and to expect to stay.

thereturnofshoesy · 07/09/2014 11:20

wow op no wonder the BIL doesn't see you much
rude beyond rude to treat him like that

trixymalixy · 07/09/2014 11:21

FGS, he's family, there was a misunderstanding on his part. A normal reaction would be to rip the piss out of him after welcoming him in. You just don't like him that's what this is about.

SanityClause · 07/09/2014 11:26

Party or not, it is very rude to just turn up and to expect to stay.

^^^^

This.

Did he really think that you would find him a bed for the night, in the middle of hosting a party? Or was he staying at a B&B anyway, in which case, he's only been put out by being unable to attend a non-existant party.

It sounds like he wanted to rock up at the party, as a surprise, because of course, what event wouldn't be absolutely made by his appearance at it.Hmm

Alisvolatpropiis · 07/09/2014 11:29

Is he family though, trixy?

I don't consider my brother in law family, he's just my husbands brother who blessedly lives quite some distance away.

trixymalixy · 07/09/2014 11:30

He's family enough to be invited in the first place.

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