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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell BIL to sod off despite him coming 300 miles to visit

85 replies

PhoebeMcPeePee · 06/09/2014 23:52

DH gets on ok with his brother but they're no longer close due to distance & lack of interest (BIL visited twice in 15 yrs & is often 'busy' when we go back to DH's home town 2-3 x a year).

It was a significant birthday for DH last week & a few months ago we toyed with the idea of throwing a big party the Saturday after ie today. DH emailed his brother to see if he would come, didn't hear back (typical) so didn't think any more of it. In the end we decided against it as DH didn't want the fuss or expense. Big Birthday came & went without a call or card from BIL (again typical) and we've had a lovely family day today out as per DH's request.

All good until we get home Hmmto find BIL has been trying to ring all afternoon (DH's mobile had died) as he'd turned up on our doorstep as a big surprise for the party Shock

I refused to cancel our dinner plans & told DH he couldn't stay so BIL is currently sulking in a local b&b and no doubt mil will be mortified that golden son has been treated so badly after such a wonderful gesture Confused

I'm guessing BIL was in the area anyway (has done previously but never contacted us) but I do feel bad for DH & it's put a real dampner on an otherwise lovely day for DH's special birthday Hmm.

Was I unreasonable to tell BIL to sod off or is he a knob for just turning up expecting us to welcome him into our home despite not hearing a word from him for months.

OP posts:
gertiegusset · 07/09/2014 00:42

I think you were really rude and I would have phoned the friends we were having dinner with and asked if we could bring an extra one if possible.
In those circs I wouldn't have minded if I were the one doing dinner.

WowardHolowitz · 07/09/2014 00:43

YNBU, the dinner was at a friends house, was the OP supposed to invite him to the friends house and expect them to cater for him, having never met him before and having no idea at all he was coming? That WBU in my view. Also there is nowhere for him to sleep, she could make room by shuffling her children around but that's hardly convenient especially given everything else she would have had to do to fit him into her plans. FFS he's not spoken to any of them in six months, and now expects to be put up for the night out of the blue with no prior warning! I want to know what the BIL got the DH for his birthday present, I think that will show whether it was a dedicated visit for DH (with a thoughtful nice gift) or he was passing through and wanted somewhere convenient to stay (a few of those odd beers that have been on offer in the supermarkets as of late)...

highkickindandy · 07/09/2014 01:04

I think he's the rude one not you.
He's not been in contact for months and he turns up without warning expecting to stay?
I don't know how far advanced the party plans were, but if I'd sounded people out about it and had no response at all from some of them, I would assume they wouldn't be coming and would not feel obliged to inform them it wasn't going ahead. Different if it was a definite arrangement, but even then, if he'd bothered to respond he'd have known about the change of plans.
I wouldn't turn my brother away from my doorstep, but he wouldn't be so rude as to turn up in this manner........
You might be being unreasonable if your husband had wanted to host him, but it sounds like he didn't.

BeCool · 07/09/2014 01:08

well if your DH wanted you to treat his brother very badly and rudely then you have succeeded. I think you were rude and unaccommodating.

But why was it your call? Didn't your H make any effort to accommodate his brother and include him in his evening/home?

steff13 · 07/09/2014 01:16

Sorry if I wasn't clear but it most definitely wasn't me telling DH that BIL couldn't stay

You were very clear in the OP that you did tell your husband his brother couldn't stay:

I refused to cancel our dinner plans & told DH he couldn't stay

It was rude for him not to reply, but I can see why he showed up if you didn't bother to tell him the plans were off. I'd say you were both in the wrong regarding the plans, but there was no need to be rude to him over a misunderstanding.

highkickindandy · 07/09/2014 01:19

So many threads on here are about people letting others trample all over them, well here you are asserting yourself and setting boundaries and sticking to them - good for you!
Maybe I'm reading this wrong or way too invested in it, but the idea of the golden child turning up, making his grand gesture and expecting the adoring crowds to be delighted to see him - only to be told there's no party and to go away amuses me.
Also, even if the party was on, maybe you'd have arranged for other people to stay overnight and not had room for him anyway. if he'd spoken to any of the rest of the family he'd know the party wasn't on - sounds a bit last minute to me...........

BeCool · 07/09/2014 01:27

whatever the OP thinks of the BIL, her H has an OK relationship with him.

They invited him to a party, don't tell him party is off and then get all arsey when he turns up having covered considerable distance to do so and refuse to even have dinner with him.

Might be acceptable in some worlds, but I really don't know anyone at all who would behave like that or think that would be OK.

OP moans BIL doesn't show any interest and is "too busy" and when he drives 300 miles to the party (he has been invited to) he is treated like he has a nasty contagious disease - and not in a nice way.

Alisvolatpropiis · 07/09/2014 02:13

I think you were probably a bit unreasonable. As was your brother in law.

God knows I'd be hard pushed not to shut the door in my brother in law's face if he turned up unannounced (for avoidance of doubt I think he's a vile person with no redeeming characteristics).

mathanxiety · 07/09/2014 03:31

Plenty of rudeness to go around.

Was he rude to not RSVP and still show up? - yes.
Should your DH have been in contact with him to keep him apprised of changing plans? - yes. You are not the social secretary here.
Were you rude to send him packing? - depends on tone of voice, etc.
Should he be sulking in a B&B? He shouldn't be sulking and he shouldn't be in a B&B.
Should you have tried to include him in the dinner? - No. You would have been imposing on your hosts.

It's not his fault he is the golden boy. It's best to only focus on one grievance at a time. Your beef with MIL is another question entirely.

Toecheese · 07/09/2014 03:44

It was a birthday surprise. Your BIL made an effort to see his brother (it doesn't matter if he was passing or not) and you told him to bugger off.

I would have contacted friends and asked to bring him along, bringing extra wine/food. The let him rough it on the sofa or lounge floor

Toecheese · 07/09/2014 03:48

Some relationships are like that - little contact due to distance/business but maybe you need to enjoy the little contact you and accept that you will only get to see each other twice a year or what ever.

Toecheese · 07/09/2014 03:50

I only get to see my siblings once a year and I would be over the moon and touched if they turned up

Nandocushion · 07/09/2014 04:34

YANBU. I have a relative just like this (I imagine most of these previous posters do not) and can well imagine that, no doubt, he felt he was bestowing a great honour upon you by showing up at all. It sounds like you know him pretty well and I imagine you and DH will be able to figure out whether you think he was quiet because he was holding out all this time for a better offer, or if he is just so self-absorbed/dismissive of other people's feelings that he couldn't be bothered to tell you he'd be coming.

LoxleyBarrett · 07/09/2014 06:06

I assume both Brothers speak to your MIL? In which case he should have known via her that the party wasn't going ahead
? He sounds like am idiot to be honest and it doesn't sound like a formal invite was sent - more or a "if we have a party will you come" type of e-mail that he didn't bother to reply to.

londonrach · 07/09/2014 07:16

Your poor dh. You should very controlled. It should be up to your dh re what he wants to do. Yanbu and yabvvvvu and rude. Plans can change but that would be your dh decision as it's his birthday. You know you be rude as you asked on here. Maybe your dh can visit his brother soon

LoxleyBarrett · 07/09/2014 07:32

You know you be rude as you asked on here.

That is not how AIBU works londonrach - there would be no point to the board if it did.

backbystealth · 07/09/2014 07:34

You were being unreasonable.

'We' too have a very selfish BIL (husband's younger bro) and I actually can't stand him.

But I would NEVER turn him away like that in a million years!

I think it was you who made your husband's day/evening awkward, not him.

If you'd have laughed it off, got some wine out and made it seem all fine and jolly for him to join the evening meal then it would have been so much better.

By the way how old is BIL? He sounds pretty awful but in my experience men people don't get the importance of these things until they are in more grown up situations themselves eg have a partner or kids. We've known lots of people that didn't really honour arrangements and were very fluid about things until their life changed in a more grown up direction.

lunar1 · 07/09/2014 07:41

In your op you said you refused to let him stay or change plans. You couldn't even invite him for a drink after your meal? You were rude, I am watching my boys play together, I really hope they have a better relationship than this when they are adults. I would never turn family away.

Vycount · 07/09/2014 07:52

BIL hasn't been in touch for 6 months. He was invited to a party and didn't respond. We all know that things can be cancelled and we all know that it's polite to reply to an invitation - we have enough bloody threads ranting about that.
BIL ignored DH's birthday.
DH was the one who led on the decision not to include BIL in the plans for the evening or let him stay - not OP!
Personally I think it would be rude to ring friends at the last minute proposing bringing along another dinner guest.
I think YANBU Op, but let DH now "take the lead" on the flack that's coming.

Tittifilarious · 07/09/2014 07:55

He should've RSVPed. Also did he plan to stay at b&b anyway or was he expecting you to put him up?

Nonetheless, misunderstandings happen and I do think you were BU. I'd have made a whispered bitching no pressure phone call to friend asking if it was feasible they could fit him in. If not, that would've been that. As for no room to stay - you really don't have a sofa and spare blanket?

I think he's misjudged the situation (badly), but you and your husband have been plain rude. On the basis of your OP, I'm not surprised BIL doesn't make more of an effort.

ENormaSnob · 07/09/2014 07:55

Why the fuck would he think it such a great surprise?

He is unreasonable, not you.

Iggly · 07/09/2014 07:59

Your DH should be sorting this not you. Of he didn't want to see him then why didn't he tell him?

Your DH sounds a wimp.

Vycount · 07/09/2014 08:00

Expecting to stay? If there had been a party going on isn't it possible that, not having heard from BIL, the bedrooms may have been shuffled and the couch allocated to other people?

Sister77 · 07/09/2014 08:02

So he's the golden child but mil didn't tell him party was cancelled?
I would say yanbu if it was your husbands decision but please see what the fall out is and let us know! Wink

wowfudge · 07/09/2014 08:03

Going back to the H sending BIL an email - to me that says it all. He sent an email to do his duty so his mother couldn't say he never invited his brother. If that were me and my DSis, who lives two hours away from us, I'd have rung her and spoken to her about the birthday do and followed up with the details by email. But that's because I love her and care about her and her family.

The BIL has been treated very rudely IMO.

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