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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let MIL sleep in the garage?

82 replies

vvviola · 06/09/2014 07:06

I'm pretty sure IANBU, but she's being so insistent that I'm beginning to second guess myself.

Background: we live in NZ. MIL lives about 2 hours drive from us. My family live in Ireland. We see MIL about once a month/6 weeks. We haven't seen my parents in nearly 2 years.

My parents are coming to visit for a month in about 3 weeks. We will be travelling a bit while they are here, trying to fit in a few events and see various members of DH's family (MIL included).

So, today. We mention that my Dad and DH will be taking DD1 to a show that has a special significance for my Dad and DD1. Mum, DD2 and I won't be going, DH might. MIL announced that she would be coming up to go with Dad and DD1. DH was a bit non-committal and mentioned that the house will be very full. (My parents will be sleeping in DD1's room, DD1 will be on a pull out bed in DD2's room, there is no other potential sleeping space).

MIL's response. Oh, that's ok. I'll come up with BIL, and we'll sleep in the garage on air beds. Confused

Our garage is not a fancy garage that actually doubles as an extra room. It's where I keep my car, and rubbish bags before we put them out for collection. It has bikes, camping gear and gardening stuff. It is most definitely a sleeping space.

But she is absolutely insistent that she is coming up with BIL, sleeping in the garage and going to this show with my Dad and DD1.

AIBU to put my foot down about it, and how on earth do I do it when faced with such insistence???

OP posts:
should · 06/09/2014 07:10

Just say "I'm sorry, no, DF and DD really just want to go the two of them and I couldn't possibly have someone sleeping in the garage. I'd feel terrible about you feeling so draughty and uncomfortable. No."

And stick to it.

waithorse · 06/09/2014 07:11

Why has she suggested the garage though ? Hmm Wouldn't a living areas make more sence. Though I'd just say the house will be full.

lunar1 · 06/09/2014 07:15

Your dh needs to say no to her. Your parents are only here for a month and you are seeing mil during that time. She needs to give your family this time and not make it more stressful.

whycantifindaname · 06/09/2014 07:22

Yanbu. Time for your DH to be very clear with his mother. She, and BIL are not invited to the event. Whilst your parents are visiting you will visit her, but the rest of that time will be spent with your parents. You will catch up with her again once they are gone.

Honestly, what is wrong with her? My DM lives close to us. PIL live half a days car trip away. They visit regularly (every month to six weeks) but DM always makes herself scares when they are around because she appreciates that they have less time with DCs and they need to maximize the time they have.

londonrach · 06/09/2014 07:22

Repet after me no mil dd1 and dad are going together and no one else. The house is full. It's not convinant and the present time. Why don't you come down at x time (select day suitable for you) and take dd1 and dd2 to something special to you. Or words similar to that. Maybe better from your dh.

Cheeky76890 · 06/09/2014 07:49

Put a tent up in the garden for them

quietlysuggests · 06/09/2014 07:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

should · 06/09/2014 07:50

Why should she Cheeky? They aren't invited?!

CaptainSinker · 06/09/2014 07:53

What should said.

Original poster
vvviola · 06/09/2014 07:55

waithorse she has probably chosen the garage so she can say "oh but I won't be in the way". She also "goes to bed" very early (often actually staying up past midnight watching DVDs in bed, she brings her own portable DVD with her when she stays) and DD2 is up by 6:30 most mornings, so she would know that the suggestion of her using the living room wouldn't work (especially as Mum and I are night owls when together).

DH has already said no, multiple times. She just talks over him and says "no, it's fine, we'll stay in the garage".

OP posts:
TipseyTorvey · 06/09/2014 08:05

I'm always a little bit confused by these threads. Suspect you are a very nice accomodating person and MIL has got used to taking the P. It might be against your nature but you're going to have to take the plunge and just say 'stop saying you'll sleep in the garage, I've said 'no' and as far as I'm concerend that's the end of the discussion, now let's set another date'

tobysmum77 · 06/09/2014 08:22

don't you have hotels in new Zealand? Grin

Blu · 06/09/2014 08:24

I'm confused.
Is the issue that she is crashing the outing? Or sleeping in the garage ? I can't see the problem with her sleeping in the garage. You'd move the car out, I presume ?

If the issue is crashing the event talk to her about that, not the garage . Tell beg it is a special outing , no extra people going and you'll arrange an alternative group outing.

Original poster
vvviola · 06/09/2014 08:31

Both Blu. The garage is not a sleeping area. It has spiders and other freaky Kiwi bugs. The amount of effort required to get it habitable would be incredible. I simply don't have the time or inclination to do that while my parents are here.

And frankly, she wouldn't take DD1 to it alone, so I don't see why she should tag along to her day with my Dad.

OP posts:
EverythingCounts · 06/09/2014 08:34

Time to get more pointed. You and your DH together need to collar her and say that that outing is just for the people going and she cannot come and stay that night. You will not clear the garage out and if she turns up she will just have to go home again. If she keeps going on about it then she will not see any of you for the duration of your parents' trip as you don't want the hassle. Lay it out as having serious consequences.

ButternutBosc · 06/09/2014 08:44

Don't concentrate on the garage as by the sound of it she'll keep saying she's fine with it and will ignore you. Be upfront and straight to the point and say only your dad and dd are going to the show as it is special to them, she can't tag along.

GoEasyPudding · 06/09/2014 08:49

Yes, sounds like you need to be very direct indeed.

"The Garage has oil on the floor and there are spiders. You can not stay in there under any circumstances. There is no room in the house. You also can't go to this show. This is a rare and special time for us. We will see you again on x date for that lovely other thing we have planned."

Then keep asking her if she understands that. Keep repeating. An argument may ensue.

This does sound very awkward.

Dubjackeen · 06/09/2014 08:52

Don't make it habitable, seriously. Your husband needs to tell her that the garage is not a sleeping area, and there will be no time for it to be made into one. And repeat, repeat, if necessary.
I'm not sure why she would invite herself to something, does she usually do things like that?

PlacidApricots · 06/09/2014 08:57

Personally I would go wit GoEasy's response. What an exceptionally rude woman, no the first time should have sufficed. Just talk back over her, with as much NO as possible emphasised in what you are saying.

Bouttimeforwine · 06/09/2014 09:32

The garage just clouds the issues ignore that and say no to her visit as it is your parents turn.

flanjabelle · 06/09/2014 09:43

Nope yanbu!

You need to be assertive.

'Mil, this is a special day for dd to spend with her grandad, they will be going alone. You cannot stay here. We would love to see you on x date instead.'

If it causes upset, it is of her making not yours.

Maisyblue · 06/09/2014 09:47

She sounds very pushy and insensitive as well. You haven't seen your parents in two years, you see her every 4 weeks or so, why can't she give you that bit of time with your parents. I think it would turn what should be a lovely time into a stressful and chaotic time with the extra meals and everything. Pushy people like her have to be dealt with firmly. A straight "no you can't come because the house will be full" is the only way.

Whatisaweekend · 06/09/2014 09:48

I would get your husband to say "look Mum, we see you every month - we haven't seen vvviola's parents in over two years. This trip is a special one for dd and vvviola's dad and they must be allowed to have this time together, just the two of them". Your dmil sounds thick skinned and selfish - yr dh needs to put his foot down.

Nanny0gg · 06/09/2014 09:53

I would get your husband to say "look Mum, we see you every month - we haven't seen vvviola's parents in over two years. This trip is a special one for dd and vvviola's dad and they must be allowed to have this time together, just the two of them". Your dmil sounds thick skinned and selfish - yr dh needs to put his foot down.

^^This. And if she doesn't like it, tough.

WhereYouLeftIt · 06/09/2014 09:54

"DH was a bit non-committal" - Mistake, mistake, mistake. But given that
"DH has already said no, multiple times. She just talks over him and says "no, it's fine, we'll stay in the garage"." does she have form for catching people on the hop then bulldozing them?

It does sound as if the best approach would be to concentrate on the show rather than the garage. ^"she wouldn't take DD1 to it alone, so I don't see why she should tag along to her day with my Dad." - concentrate on that. Stress that this would be a special Graddad/granddaughter outing, and her tagging along will rob the of that. And yes, use the word "rob".

It sounds like you and DH need to take her approach, i.e. BULLDOZE HER. Yes you will feel incredibly rude while doing it, but she obviously depends on that to bulldoze you.