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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not let MIL sleep in the garage?

82 replies

vvviola · 06/09/2014 07:06

I'm pretty sure IANBU, but she's being so insistent that I'm beginning to second guess myself.

Background: we live in NZ. MIL lives about 2 hours drive from us. My family live in Ireland. We see MIL about once a month/6 weeks. We haven't seen my parents in nearly 2 years.

My parents are coming to visit for a month in about 3 weeks. We will be travelling a bit while they are here, trying to fit in a few events and see various members of DH's family (MIL included).

So, today. We mention that my Dad and DH will be taking DD1 to a show that has a special significance for my Dad and DD1. Mum, DD2 and I won't be going, DH might. MIL announced that she would be coming up to go with Dad and DD1. DH was a bit non-committal and mentioned that the house will be very full. (My parents will be sleeping in DD1's room, DD1 will be on a pull out bed in DD2's room, there is no other potential sleeping space).

MIL's response. Oh, that's ok. I'll come up with BIL, and we'll sleep in the garage on air beds.

Our garage is not a fancy garage that actually doubles as an extra room. It's where I keep my car, and rubbish bags before we put them out for collection. It has bikes, camping gear and gardening stuff. It is most definitely a sleeping space.

But she is absolutely insistent that she is coming up with BIL, sleeping in the garage and going to this show with my Dad and DD1.

AIBU to put my foot down about it, and how on earth do I do it when faced with such insistence???

OP posts:

IndridCold · 06/09/2014 09:57

Seems to me that MIL inviting herself along to the show is the real problem here.

I'm afraid your DH will just have to keep on spelling it out to her that she is not invited and will be intruding on the treat your DF has organised for your DD.

IndridCold · 06/09/2014 09:59

Cross post, sorry

SpicyBear · 06/09/2014 10:05

Your DH needs to be really really clear. "This is something special for vviola's DF to do with DD. Plus we do not have time to sort the garage/really cannot accommodate any extra guests. Why don't you plan something for DD for after they have left".

EverythingCounts · 06/09/2014 10:16

Time to get more pointed. You and your DH together need to collar her and say that that outing is just for the people going and she cannot come and stay that night. You will not clear the garage out and if she turns up she will just have to go home again. If she keeps going on about it then she will not see any of you for the duration of your parents' trip as you don't want the hassle. Lay it out as having serious consequences.

hamptoncourt · 06/09/2014 11:00

When DH tells her she cannot stay and she says she is coming to stay, he needs to ask her what part of NO she isn't understanding.

" you can't come to the event and you can't stay over, end of story."

She sounds like a nightmare. I would be secretly hoping she got the hump and went off you for a bit

No pussyfooting around OP - get tough!

Original poster

vvviola · 06/09/2014 11:07

Just to answer the "is she usually like this?" question. Well, yes and no. Never quite so directly, but she has always been a bit oblivious of other people's wishes, and tends to decide how she thinks things should be and get very irritated if things deviate from that. This can range from dictating exactly how the DC do craft projects to telling DH he can't watch sport in his own house because she brought a DVD she wants to watch. It's always been "minor" stuff before, never quite so out there!

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 06/09/2014 11:14

So basically she is jealous of the time "her" family will be spending with your parents and wants to assert her authority as "Alpha Mother"?

Sod that! I agree that you need to get tough on this, DH needs to make it clear in no uncertain terms that she is not staying, not crashing the event and if she turns up anyway she will be turned away. AND DO IT. If she turns up ask her if she has booked a hotel because they are NOT staying with you.

Fingers crossed she will get the arse and not speak to you for a few months!

Boomeranggirl · 06/09/2014 11:19

Maybe with the best will in the world she's a little jealous? She's had all of you to herself for two years and now your parents are visiting they are bound to be a novelty to your DC and quite exotic. She may feel like she's being usurped. This behaviour may be on some level a way of getting attention. I've noticed as people get older they often revert back to child like behaviour to get their way but are a lot more sophisticated in how they do it.

You must be very clear here for the sake of your dad and DD. Be clear that this is your family's special time with your parents and you'd appreciate some space to enjoy it. Nothing will change, you'll go back to regularly seeing her when they have gone home but please respect your wishes. I would speak to your MIL directly rather than DH doing it so you can be polite but firm and ensure the message gets through.

WalkJumpClimb34 · 06/09/2014 11:37

You say your DH has said no many times. There are various ways of saying no. How did he say it.

Sounds like you will both have to say it extremely clearly. And yes, forget the garage, surely it is the gatecrashing on the outing that is worse. You must be able to tell her that that is a special thing for DD and her grandfather.

Please please come back and tell us you have sorted this out. Think of it as a personal challenge and we are all behind you.

Bogeyface · 06/09/2014 11:38

Could you email her?

That way you can say what you want to say without being interrupted and talked over (hate it when people just disregard what you are saying if it isnt what they want to hear, so fucking rude!), and there is no chance for misunderstanding.

Idontseeanysontarans · 06/09/2014 12:09

Can't you stress the bug angle a bit more and point out how close she'll be to them? When we went to NZ we stayed in someone's basement and had to do a sweep of the floor before going to bed - DH regularly had to get rid of big cockroaches the size of my head before I would lie down! Not going to even start on the day that I woke up with ants in my hair...

Dubjackeen · 06/09/2014 12:12

I agree that the gatecrashing is worse, but I pictured the OP wearing herself out clearing the garage to make it habitable.

You will both need to stand firm on this, I think, and make it clear that it doesn't suit for her to invite herself along while your parents are visiting.

Nanny0gg · 06/09/2014 12:21

If you stand firm, what the worst she can do? Sulk?

Result!

Blu · 06/09/2014 12:21

Just stick to this line of flanjabelle's :

"'Mil, this is a special day for dd to spend with her grandad, they will be going alone. You cannot stay here. We would love to see you on x date instead.'"

Don't get distracted into the garage argument, even if the garage situation was an ideal guest room the real problem would still remain. The garage is a non-issue - as a kiwi she is presumably au fait with giant wetas etc and not everyone reacts badly to spiders, and if she chooses to bed down on a grubby messy floor, well that's her look out - no pressure on you to 'make it habitable' at all. And she will argue this.

But this is not the issue. So tell it like it is on the gate-crashing front.

tobysmum77 · 06/09/2014 12:27

so it's actually more about the day out. tbh it sounds like the classic 'treating adult dc like children' scenario and considering they are still in charge in their offsprings house. You and dh need to put a stop to it. She is not 'alpha mother' and needs to stop behaving as such. Would you go round to her house and turn the telly over?

Icimoi · 06/09/2014 12:28

Can BiL help with this, as she's supposed to be coming up with him? Can he join in in saying no, he's not going to take her?

Nanny0gg · 06/09/2014 13:30

giant wetas etc

Aaaarghh! I've just looked those up!

TheMaddHugger · 06/09/2014 14:06

Nanny0gg Sat 06-Sep-14 13:30:14
giant wetas etc

Aaaarghh! I've just looked those up!

becons NannyOgg come to Australia instead, we'll look after ya

EmberElftree · 06/09/2014 14:19

Same here Nanny

vvviola what whataweekend said is perfectly reasonable & she should respect they need their time together while your folks are with you.

This trip is a special one for dd and vvviola's dad and they must be allowed to have this time together, just the two of them

Sounds like granny envy to me like other pps have said.

badbaldingballerina123 · 06/09/2014 14:30

Mil must be told firmly that she is not invited to the show with your dad and its your husbands responsibility to do this. If I was your dad and I was making that sort of trip I would be most put out to have mil intrude on my time.

HumblePieMonster · 06/09/2014 14:34

say no. again.

sleeping in the garage doesn't add the extra bathroom time and space you'll need in the house to have so many guests. unless they're having buckets... but even then, the slopping out...

no. tell them all no.

GertrudeTheMongrel · 06/09/2014 14:36

The garage is a red herring. She is not planning to sleep there.

I bet she will turn up, pronounce it unacceptable that a granny should sleep there and camp in your front room for the night.

Tell her she cannot crash the outing. In words of one syllable.

FuckOffWeasel · 06/09/2014 14:44

Sorry mil, as we have explained dd and Dr are going alone as a special treat for them together. It makes more sense for you to go another day with bil and my father would prefer to go alone

PiperIsOrange · 06/09/2014 14:47

You can't tell another adult where they can't go, if MIL wants to go to the show then she can. However it would be in bad taste to do so.

I echo in what others have said, tell her that this is a special day out for Dd and your dad and could she respect that and plan something else later in the month.

Maisyblue · 06/09/2014 14:47

I'm getting so annoyed with your mil on your behalf. You must be so excited by the visit from your family and she is spoiling it all with her unreasonable behaviour. Your dh must put his foot down! the sooner the better. You don't want this niggling worry hanging over you. What a stupid thick skinned woman she sounds.

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