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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let MIL sleep in the garage?

82 replies

vvviola · 06/09/2014 07:06

I'm pretty sure IANBU, but she's being so insistent that I'm beginning to second guess myself.

Background: we live in NZ. MIL lives about 2 hours drive from us. My family live in Ireland. We see MIL about once a month/6 weeks. We haven't seen my parents in nearly 2 years.

My parents are coming to visit for a month in about 3 weeks. We will be travelling a bit while they are here, trying to fit in a few events and see various members of DH's family (MIL included).

So, today. We mention that my Dad and DH will be taking DD1 to a show that has a special significance for my Dad and DD1. Mum, DD2 and I won't be going, DH might. MIL announced that she would be coming up to go with Dad and DD1. DH was a bit non-committal and mentioned that the house will be very full. (My parents will be sleeping in DD1's room, DD1 will be on a pull out bed in DD2's room, there is no other potential sleeping space).

MIL's response. Oh, that's ok. I'll come up with BIL, and we'll sleep in the garage on air beds. Confused

Our garage is not a fancy garage that actually doubles as an extra room. It's where I keep my car, and rubbish bags before we put them out for collection. It has bikes, camping gear and gardening stuff. It is most definitely a sleeping space.

But she is absolutely insistent that she is coming up with BIL, sleeping in the garage and going to this show with my Dad and DD1.

AIBU to put my foot down about it, and how on earth do I do it when faced with such insistence???

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 06/09/2014 15:17

come to Australia instead, we'll look after ya

I'm not falling for that one! You have spiders and snake!!

Sicaq · 06/09/2014 15:34

I think for the sake of your daughter, you will have to overcome understandable reluctance to argue and insist that she Is Not Welcome. She may well be counting on you - well, it should be your DH, actually - to stick up for her and grandad.

Inertia · 06/09/2014 16:19

You and Dh both have to be absolutely firm with her.

No, you aren't invited to go with DD1n and her grandfather to the special event.

No, you can't sleep in the garage. There will be nowhere for you to stay in the house at that time.

Email her and BIL so that you can't be talked over.

Leeds2 · 06/09/2014 16:29

Surely if DD and your dad are going to a show, surely she won't be able to get seats next to them anyway? Also, any chance it will have sold out?

I would continue getting your DH to say no, but also maybe contact BIL and tell him that his mother isn't welcome at that time, and get him to withdraw from the trip.

Original poster
vvviola · 06/09/2014 16:36

NannyOgg have you seen the giant wetas? You'll never look at NZ the same way again. Grin

Thankfully most of the insects are freaky but harmless. But it is a little disconcerting to sit down to watch tv and find a praying mantis sitting on the remote control!

I'm glad I'm not being unreasonable. She was so matter of fact and insistent I really was beginning to doubt myself.

The problem is, it's a public event, she can buy tickets and go along if she likes. So I suspect we'll have to push the "house full/no garage" side of things.

It doesn't help that the last time my parents visited, she sponged off them a fair bit, so they don't have a huge amount of patience with her (with someone else, Dad would have probably said "more the merrier" for the show, but with her, although he would be a complete gentleman and never anything other than completely polite, I think he'd be quite upset at having to share the event)

DH has been further instructed that the garage is a "no way, no how", and that he is to put his foot down. He's getting once last chance before I intervene. Although, as someone suggested earlier, there is a severe case of treating adult child like a child. It drives me crazy and is before all this nonsense the biggest source of my problems with MIL (and as I point it out to him, DH is getting less tolerant of it too)

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 06/09/2014 16:40

Don't tell her what time they're going and if she goes, she'll have to wander around in the hope of seeing them and pay for herself.

She sounds a nightmare.

TheMaddHugger · 06/09/2014 16:49

Nanny0gg Sat 06-Sep-14 15:17:22
come to Australia instead, we'll look after ya

I'm not falling for that one! You have spiders and snake!!

hands you a cute cudly koala

What's that smell and wet feeling ??

Ohh sorry did I forget they Piddle and bite Ooops sorry 'bout that. Lets go check out the Tazzie Devils. What............... What............ ohh ok, lets go see the Boxing Kangaroos, we can check out the Crocs on the way back. Grin

Hands you a stuffed toy. That will probably give you allergies sorry :D

Icimoi · 06/09/2014 17:17

Sounds like she's aiming to sponge off your father again for the tickets. All the more reason to say no. If she really wants to go to the event. she can buy her own and, if necessary, book a hotel. But I bet her eagerness to go won't stretch that far.

Nanny0gg · 06/09/2014 17:44

TheMaddHugger

Grin
Original poster
vvviola · 06/09/2014 21:39

Slightly related rant:
It's Father's Day here. DD1 spent ages doing a card for DH. She was then going to work on doing a little story book for him.

When I asked where they were this morning, she produced a completely differently card and a half-done book. Apparently MIL had told her that the card didn't look like she'd put enough effort into the drawing, so she should do it again!!! She'd spent hours on it Angry

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 06/09/2014 21:44

Jesus she sounds bloody horrible

Your poor dd Sad

2rebecca · 06/09/2014 23:18

Why did she show it to MIL? Tell her that in future she should just show stuff to you and that you think the first one is fine.
She sounds too involved in your life.
Time to back off and stop telling her stuff/ showing her stuff.
I'd get annoyed with MIL and tell her it's your garage and you get to decide if anyone sleeps there not her and if she wants to stay locally she can find a hotel as your house is full and she isn't invited to this particular event anyway and wish she'd stop being so pushy and give you some space..

EverythingCounts · 06/09/2014 23:22

So was she at yours yesterday? Just for the day? It sounds like she is in your space (literally and otherwise) too much. Agree with 2rebecca above.

pluCaChange · 06/09/2014 23:34

Send her some Australian wildlife by post!

and then get DD to write her a card about the Old Lady Who Swallowed a Spider... to catch the fly, etc

SteamTrainsRealAleandOpenFires · 06/09/2014 23:35

Tell MiL, that if she (& Bil) tries to crash the time that your Dad & DD1 spend together, you'll be seeing her in about 1 years time.

Dubjackeen · 06/09/2014 23:58

Sounds like there s a whole lot more at play here, to be honest. I would be tempted to call her bluff, if she keeps pushing, and let her sleep in the garage...as it is, no clearing out done.

Frikonastick · 07/09/2014 07:10

Vvv, not helpful, I know, but it would have kicked her in the cunt for that. Your poor DD

FunkyBoldRibena · 07/09/2014 08:12

I would say 'MIL, my daughter is having one day with her grandad, you gate crash that and I will never speak to you again. However you are free to sleep in our garage any time as that's the only place you will be sleeping from now on, if you gate crash my daughters day with her grandad. Now, drop it'.

thegreylady · 07/09/2014 08:13

That's awful. I am taking dgd to Olympia to the Horse Show in December. I'd be mortified if her other gran made a unilateral decision to come with us. This really is a 'No is a complete sentence' situation. Just, "No!"

Original poster
vvviola · 07/09/2014 08:26

Everything she was at ours yesterday for the day & overnight. She had come up to look after the kids while DH and I went out. This is not a regular occurrence but we were very grateful even if she did do some very passive aggressive tidying up. aka re-organising my cutlery to the way she likes it, remaking the kids beds

She isn't too involved in our lives, primarily because it's impossible to disagree with her way of doing things without her taking it very personally. So she then tried to over involve herself when she sees us. It's all in the guise of "trying to help"

I bit my tongue about the card as I didn't want to cause a row over the whole thing on Father's Day. But I did gently tell DD1 that if she thinks something is good and she feels she did her best, then she doesn't need to re-do it just because Nana says so.

Also - minor victory on garage issue. She mentioned it again as she was leaving. DH repeated that no, she was not sleeping in the garage. Her response? "Oh well I will leave it then, it's too difficult". As though we had told her she had to come up and were being unreasonable about sleeping arrangements. Hmm

I suspect we won't have heard the last of it though....

OP posts:
hamptoncourt · 07/09/2014 09:35

OP she sounds sooo horrible!!! Your poor DD!

I just had to chuckle at the cutlery thing. XMIL used to re arrange my cutlery drawer every time she visited as in her world it was knives, forks, spoons left to right. But I do spoons, forks, knives.

Control Freak anyone?

Keep going, it sounds like you are doing a great job.

clam · 07/09/2014 09:47

I hope you've converted the cutlery drawer back to "your" way now.

clam · 07/09/2014 09:49

I would do knives, forks, then spoons, left to right, except that the 3rd slot is longer than the other two for some reason, so is the only one that the knives will fit in.

MrsGeorgeMichael · 07/09/2014 09:50

she would have a field day in my house - i don't keep everything together :)

SmellyFartado · 07/09/2014 10:00

Wtf is it about pushy inlaws? Have been on another thread earlier.

Agree with the other posters that said don't focus on the garage. Instead focus on it being a special and infrequent trip for your parents and time for them to make memories with their GC. Say if MIL wanted to think of something nice for her and GC after your parents trip that would be nice. Make it clear tagging along with your Dad and DD1 is not going to happen.

I'd be blunt and rude now as what she said to your DD1 about the card is just fucking rude. Don't let it go, it undermines you and things like that could affect your daughter's confidence. MIL is being a cheeky fucker, set some firm boundaries with her