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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU To be annoyed with my DS mother switching her phone to speaker phone every time I call him ?

88 replies

HughHonour · 05/09/2014 22:44

I am a separated father with a 50-50 contact split with my son who is eleven . Occasionally I call him on his mother's phone to chat as he has no phone of his own . I found it annoying and a lack of and respect of privacy that she switches the speaker phone on and adds to the conversation or responds to a question I ask my son . Completely over-involved . I would simply never do the same if she phoned on my phone . I should say that she lacks boundaries and completely no self awareness .

OP posts:
IsChippyMintonExDirectory · 06/09/2014 17:25

Wow the sexism here is so fucking blatant. If a woman had posted that very OP about her EX-H there's be cries of "controller" and "abuse"!! Yet this OP is unpleasant, unsympathetic and it must be him who caused her to be this way.

Some MNers seriously need to stop projecting their anti-men issues onto others

IsChippyMintonExDirectory · 06/09/2014 17:27

PS OP YANBU how do you think it would go down if you asked her to keep the conversations private? And if you bought him a cheap phone do you think she's still insist on using speakerphone? It's a shame you have to use these tactics just to have a chat with your boy!

balia · 06/09/2014 17:41

We have similar issues with DSS, whose mother has MH issues, anxiety etc. DSS has to phone her every day when he is with us, but isn't ever allowed to phone DH unless she wants something (eg to change contact arrangements). When he told us that everytime he asks to phone Dad there's always an excuse, or he's told later, or that she is expecting a call, Dh bought him a cheapy phone - no use, she just took it off him.

At 11 it is an intrusion, I think, and bound to make the child self-conscious. However, I'm not sure what you can do about it. Could you ask him to turn the speaker off? Tell him it is causing feedback and you can't hear him properly.

BramshawHill · 06/09/2014 17:43

The only reason I put my daughter on speakerphone to talk to her dad is because she's two and if she holds the phone, has a tendency to press the nice big red button and hang up. Agree you should get him his own phone to call, she can't exactly take it off him at 11

Hurr1cane · 06/09/2014 17:53

Is he 11 with no additional needs? If so she's being unreasonable.

My DS is 8 but is out the phone on speaker phone for his dad or anyone else because he has severe learning disabilities and sometimes I have to prompt him to answer/ help him remember the answer/ stop him hanging up.

flippinada · 06/09/2014 18:14

I put my son on speakerphone when his Dad calls (he's a couple of years younger). The reason is because I don't trust him, as he has form for nasty comments when he thinks no-one can hear him.

Btw I don't expect people to sing their exes praises or anything but the way you speak about yours is really very unpleasant.

Numanoid · 06/09/2014 18:46

So next time a make ex is described as a "controlling twunt if an ex" we should expect responses along the lines of "I suspect he has his reasons" and "you sound unpleasant"???

This! Whenever a female poster writes something less than flattering about an ex, she receives sympathetic replies and support, but as soon as a man posts something similar, he's probably to blame. Hmm

Your ex is BU, OP. I would also go with the suggestion of buying him a phone, so she doesn't have control over your phone calls with him.

flippinada · 06/09/2014 18:55

Well, that's because it's one of the few female dominated forums on the internet.

Also, it's not unknown for abusive men to come on and post here as a means of extending their abuse. Letting their partner or ex know they are being watched and removing a source of support in the process - so it's not suprising that you will get a few suspicious posts.

LoonvanBoon · 06/09/2014 19:11

Do you know this is at your ex's instigation, OP, & not something your son is choosing to do? I only ask because one of my sons regularly switches to speaker 'phone when talking to his gran. I've asked him why & he says he finds it easier: he's really just not that into talking on the 'phone TBH. And I certainly don't try to join in!

I agree with others that buying your son his own 'phone would seem to be the obvious thing to do & would avoid needless conflict.

SingingSilver · 06/09/2014 20:03

I sympathize. I hate it when I call relatives and they put me on speaker, it must be very irritating when you are trying to talk to your son. A phone of his own is the way to go. Familiarize him with it while he is with you before you send him to his Mum's with it, so she can't say he's unconfident and needs help with it.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 06/09/2014 21:20

Would she let him have a phone?
I wouldn't give either of my DC a phone until they started secondary. Maybe she doesn't want him to have one?

If he is at Secondary then he's old enough to phone his Dad on his Mothers phone surely then the Mum cannot use the speaker.
May need to allow for the phone bill though.

MexicanSpringtime · 06/09/2014 21:33

Also, it's not unknown for abusive men to come on and post here as a means of extending their abuse.

Maybe so, but I have often seen that the assumption on mumsnet is that the OP is telling truth, and to give advice under that assumption. To tell the OP that they sound unsympathetic and unpleasant is certainly not giving helpful advice.

And there are probably abusive women who also use this forum to their own advantage, but if we don't believe the OP, we might as well close up shop.

EarthWindFire · 06/09/2014 21:41

And there are probably abusive women who also use this forum to their own advantage, but if we don't believe the OP, we might as well close up shop.

Exactly

Momagain1 · 06/09/2014 22:46

YANBU. If she wont stop when asked, you may need to arrange for counselling or some other sort of 3rd party intervention.

pictish · 06/09/2014 22:50

Yanbu at all. It is intrusive and overbearing of her to do this. I'd hate it.

mindalina · 06/09/2014 22:54

i think a lot of people missed the post where the op said this

"The back history is negative but not something that should get in the way of me asking about a couple of days in his new school ."

so i think the op knows full well he's given his ex cause to be anxious about his behaviour, actually.

pictish · 06/09/2014 22:55

They also share contact 50/50.

owlbegoing · 06/09/2014 23:02

I'd be putting it on speakerphone too as I'm not convinced about the safety of using mobile phones. Even the NHS advise using hands-free kits for under 16s here
I'd leave the room though to give the child some privacy.

wheresthebeach · 06/09/2014 23:08

Is intrusive and controlling. Get the boy a phone and go from there. I suspect he will be under pressure to put it on speaker phone but he will soon figure out to leave the room with his phone; or hopefully it will ring when he's in another room and he can talk privately.

tiredandsadmum · 06/09/2014 23:31

My ex does this to me when I speak to DS eg on Christmas day. The whole family are in the room, there is background noise etc. It is rude and annoying. Ds is younger than your DS so has been shy about talking on the phone and also telling his dad what he wants. What is telling for me is that when my ex calls DS at mine DS takes the phone to his room so that he has privacy. I have been concerned about bad mouthing but have realised that it is better for me to give DS privacy than try and control the situation. I do not agree with you buying a mobile. I think that is out of order for reasons given above (also I had ex trying to smuggle walky talky into my house)

flippinada · 07/09/2014 00:02

The OP isn't claiming to be a victim of domestic violence though . He's asking whether his ex is being unreasonable. It may well be she has a very good reason for listening in to the calls - we don't know.

I'm surprised OP has gone for shared care, given he has such a low opinion of his ex - who also thinks he's an excellent (I assume that's what he meant) father.

I'd be interested to hear the back story to this.

Bulbasaur · 07/09/2014 02:37

I'm surprised OP has gone for shared care, given he has such a low opinion of his ex - who also thinks he's an excellent (I assume that's what he meant) father.

Because you can still love your kid while not liking your ex? Is that not possible?

I'd be a bit Hmm about anyone putting me on speaker. It's odd to listen in on a conversation like that.

eyebags63 · 07/09/2014 07:33

YANBU, putting you on speaker is clearly a control thing.

She have have anxiety and the phone issue may well be anxiety related, but that doesn't actually make any difference. Putting her needs and anxieties before the child's right to have contact with both parents is wrong.

11 is old enough to have a private conversation with the NRP. I would suggest buying him a cheapy phone if you feel she is likely to let him keep it.

flippinada · 07/09/2014 08:54

But he does have contact with both parents, they share care 50/50. So despite whatever else is going on this scenario, she's not trying to limit contact with his Dad.

I'm genuinely surprised people haven't considered that there may be a good reason for her to listen in to the call - that's the only reason I do it. I can only speak for myself of course but I'd really prefer not to.

EarthWindFire · 07/09/2014 08:59

I'm genuinely surprised people haven't considered that there may be a good reason for her to listen in to the call

Sorry but I can't think of one. The OP has 50:50 care, so does his ex record all the time the DC is with the OP?

IMO it is controlling behaviour.