AIBU To be annoyed with my DS mother switching her phone to speaker phone every time I call him ?

[HughHonour]

I am a separated father with a 50-50 contact split with my son who is eleven . Occasionally I call him on his mother's phone to chat as he has no phone of his own . I found it annoying and a lack of and respect of privacy that she switches the speaker phone on and adds to the conversation or responds to a question I ask my son . Completely over-involved . I would simply never do the same if she phoned on my phone . I should say that she lacks boundaries and completely no self awareness .

But we don't know the reasons.

dawn what makes you think the ops son has special needs? is the vino getting to me?

I agree with the majority-chose your arguments and buy your son a phone of his own.

Don't mind the biased opinions!

Does it matter if he has sn? Would that mean he's not entitled to speak. To his dad in private.

Does it matter if she suffers from anxiety? Does that give her the right to listen to her sons phone conversations.

If a father had his son on speaker phone when talking to the mother he'd be labeled a control freak

I make no assumptions, but simply state an undeniable fact.

All else can be nothing more than speculation.

Must we always assume that the mother is in the right and the father is in the wrong? Some men are actually nice people, who are good fathers. True story.

^ this. It does seem that fathers are automatically in the wrong and mothers are right.

Mothers aren't all angels and there doesn't always have to be a back story.

OP I agree with pp. Look at getting your DS his own phone.

I agree that some fathers are good, but I felt the way he described his ex was rather short and not particularly understanding. He has posted on other boards about his son having additional needs, this will of course be adding to the mother's anxiety.

Of course if us wimmin describe our exes as unpleasant that's just fine mn double standards at its best.
My sister in law is one of the most unpleasant controlling woman I have ever met. They do exist you know. Nasty women.

Well dawn they are split, yes I agree he is 11 old enough to have a private conversation with his father. It is intrusive. Get him a mobile that you can call him on.

YANBU getting a cheap PAYG phone sounds like a good idea.

Also agree with posters that have mentioned the MN double standards. Not all dads are bad!

It is entirely possible that I am overthinking this due to having my own anxiety issues dismissed. Still wouldn't like to be described as ' a victim' by anybody.

A friend puts her phone onto loud speaker as it appears her 8 and 12 year old are unable to sit down and talk on the phone properly.

It would probably irritate me if xh did this but I'd just laugh inwardly and think it's him with the issue if he feels the need to listen in.

If I wanted to talk privately with my dd I'd do it at a different time and if you have him 50/50 there's ample time for that. if I knew xh was listening in I'd just chat away and ask about school.

I think it's one of those situations where you could buy into the drama, make an issue if it, go buying your ds a phone which may inflame things. Or you could just accept that she is anxious and chat to your son. If you aren't saying anything out of the ordinary then what difference does it make?

Personally if my ex insisted on my children speaking to me on speakerphone when they're with him I would find it highly irritating too.

Mind you, the first place is to try and have a reasonable conversation about not doing it. If she won't play ball I agree a phone for him is the way to go.

My dd always puts the phone to speaker - mostly because she gets bored of her father's inane, unengaging prattle and inability/unwillingness to listen and understand what she's saying and wants to faff about doing other things instead. I always make her hold it to her ear though because I think it's polite - and the sound of his voice makes my skin crawl.

One or the other of you is being unreasonable, but it's impossible to say who.

however, go on get off that fence

So next time a make ex is described as a "controlling twunt if an ex" we should expect responses along the lines of "I suspect he has his reasons" and "you sound unpleasant"???
Not going to hold my breath on that one

Special Needs? Did I miss something?

I'm not sure getting him his own hone would necessarily solve the problem. She could always insist on him putting that one on speaker too. Only by the boy himself refusing to do so might help.

Anyway, it doesn't sound to me as if YABU. It would irritate me no end.

I would start talking about getting him a phone for Christmas and just put up with it until then.

Hopefully he will answer his own phone and this will not be an issue then.

I have asked her kindly . She may stop I just find it intrusive and
overbearing

are you phoning at an agreed time which is convenient to mum? are you phoning very regularly? how do you react if, for some reason, she doesn't answer the phone?

My own experience, in a nutshell, is that my ex's very regular calling (and belief that I was supposed to answer the phone within 2 rings or I would be hauled over the coals for 'interrupting his contact') which put me on edge mentally. It was a massive, massive intrusion into my life with my children and at it's height, stopped me doing what I needed to do, let alone what I wanted to do with the children. The favour was never returned - should I want to speak with the children when they were with him he would let the phone go to ansaphone again and again and again. The children would cry when they were with me that they could hear me but weren't allowed to speak with me. In the end - with some space and time - I put a stop to it. I accused him of harassment (which it was) and said if it didn't stop, I would go to the Police. When it didn't stop, I went to the Police. It then stopped. I no longer speak with the children when they are with him but this hasn't caused a problem - I think it was easier to accept no contact rather than the 'half' contact via the ansaphone and the constant on-edge thing we had in our own home.

I am not suggesting for one minute you are like my ex, but it may well be that phone calls are counter-productive until such a time as your son is able to control his own access to you. If he's 11, that time really isn't long in coming.

Tbh at 11 I would think it odd that a parent was listening in on any of the childs conversations.

OP I do have an unreasonable arsehole of an ex. He has upset my dd many times over the years. Yet since about age 7/8 she decides if she would like to speak to him and conducts/initiates/ends any phonecalls entirely of her own free will.

Your ex is trampling on your ds' boundaries and I would try and approach her about it from that point of view iyswim.

perhaps the son has told a few attention seeking porkies in the past and the mom is being cautious? my advice to separated parents is always the same if a child is telling tales always put the phone on speaker it protects both of you really we had one child who swore his dad told him he was going to kill him and his mom everytime he called they set up a big sting operation and everything didnt tell the child so they acted normal sure enough he said his dad had done it again but there was no record on the tape he was making it up to get attention its common at that age

YANBU, if it doesn't stop I would buy him a phone.