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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is dh being spectacularly unreasonable?

78 replies

Mim78 · 05/09/2014 20:51

Dd (nearly 6) goes to dancing lessons on a Saturday morning. She has stuck with this hobby since she was 2 and has built up the number of classes she does to include different kids of dance.

They have just been on a six week summer holiday from the lessons due back tomorrow. She was looking forward to first lesson back. Every first sat of the month there is a cake sale which dd also enjoys, so this week it is on.

Most Saturdays over the hols we have been at home with dh, apart from one week when we were coming back from my parents'. Dh had been out the night before and was glad of the lie in anyway. One Saturday we went to a picnic at dh's instigation which involved me coming back from my grandmother's earlier than I would have chosen.

Therefore dd, ds (baby) and I have been around to spend time with dh most of the last six Saturdays. Some weeks such as last week dh has not wanted to do anything due to a hangover. Some weeks he has wanted us to stay in to do housework or DIY.

Last night dh announced that he wanted us to all go out together on saturday morning (dd has a party at 4 pm). He said "can't she miss dancing once even though we have paid for it". My response was that she was looking forward to it and had been available most of the last six weeks, including last week when dh would not move due to a hangover. I had asked him not to go out or if he must not to be late or drunk but was ignored.

Dh asked dd if she would rather go out with him but her response was to calmly tell him that she would rather go to dancing.

This eve dh has been teasing dd, saying he is going to go out and have a lovely time (possibly with ds, I'm not sure whether he meant this) but that she will miss out because of dancing. I asked him not to and he got annoyed and carried on. I persuaded dd that he was joking so she would not get upset.

Am I unreasonable to think that dh should praise dd for sticking at her hobby rather than teasing her and making her feel she is missing out? Also that as we never know if he will be available to spend time with that he must expect us to have other plans rather than sitting about waiting to see if he wants to be with us?

The icing on the cake was a veiled threat that he would go out with his mates another Friday rather than coming home and reading to dd as he has tonight (she was so happy) if we did not tow the line.

He is now ignoring me and I am fuming. Sorry it is long.

OP posts:
cailindana · 05/09/2014 20:57

He sounds like a total arsebiscuit. Is he?

pauline6703 · 05/09/2014 20:58

If your daughter likes dancing then she should go.
It is good for her and if DH does not like it that is his problem.

Biffalobuff · 05/09/2014 20:58

YANBU, definitely not! That is horrendous behaviour,your daughter is behaving more maturely than your DH.
I would be absolutely fuming. Does he normally get on like this or is this out of character for some reason?

pudcat · 05/09/2014 21:00

Who is the child here. Certainly not your daughter. Is he always like this if he can't get his own way?

VinoTime · 05/09/2014 21:00

He's being a tool.

Tell him to grow the hell up.

DoJo · 05/09/2014 21:01

Is he normally a massive twat? Because he sounds like it. No wonder your daughter would rather go dancing than spend her morning with him when he is treating her so cruelly.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 05/09/2014 21:03

Your husband sounds like an immature selfish knob. Your DD has a prior commitment, one which she enjoys why should she cancel for someone who feels drinking so much he is too hungover to get out of bed her last available Saturday before her class started up again?

whois · 05/09/2014 21:09

Your husband sounds like an immature selfish knob

Couldn't have put it better myself

Alisvolatpropiis · 05/09/2014 21:11

He is being very immature.

DejaVuAllOverAgain · 05/09/2014 21:16

Your husband sounds like an immature selfish knob.

This

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 05/09/2014 21:19

What a cock! Cant he do family time Sunday morning?

Good on your dd for standing up to him!

MrsPiggie · 05/09/2014 21:19

YANBU. He needs to grow up. Let him get pissed and sleep all day, you can take your DD dancing, then enjoy a lovely day with your children - you don't want a miserable git to ruin everyone's Saturday.

LuvDaMorso · 05/09/2014 21:21

What a twat.

Give him no reward for his tantrum. Don't break the silence youself. Carry on with your plans regardless. He is a twat.

Tell him to go out with his mates on Friday because DD might as well get used to him not being around on account of you divorcing him if he carries on like this.

One thing confuses me though. Did you genuinely believe that you might be the unreasonable one here?

Shakirasma · 05/09/2014 21:25

Emotional abuse of a child and wife.

What a catch Hmm

Original poster
Mim78 · 05/09/2014 21:25

Well I wondered if I was because he seemed so sure that I should persuade dd not to go dancing.

I think he thinks that because he is working hard we should make time for him as and when.

But logically, no, I couldn't see that i was being unreasonable.

I am a terrible one for breaking the silence myself as I don't like a bad atmosphere and find it a waste of an evening when we are both home and the kids were in bed early. But he would not stop going on about this when I was trying to be friendly I earlier that I had to get some view points.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mim78 · 05/09/2014 21:27

He takes dd to tennis on Sunday morning but this has also been off for last six weeks. Last Sunday morning he took both kids to london for the morning. I suppose he sees this as making family time.

But he just can't see other people's plans as important and always wants me to be "flexible".

OP posts:
ThinkIveBeenHacked · 05/09/2014 21:30

Well, your dd has plans. He can deal with that like a grown up or sulk like a tweenager, but she is busy and so there.

EBearhug · 05/09/2014 21:31

I think he thinks that because he is working hard we should make time for him as and when.

But your daughter's working hard at her dancing.

It's difficult for me to see this any other way than how I was brought up, and that was that existing commitments (such as out-of-school classes) come first, and other things fit in round that. There are exceptions, like medical appointments that can't be moved, weddings and funeral, but not just going out because you feel it - that should be fitted in round the other things, in the spare time.

If he'd been working hard at weekends, so you hadn't been able to do family stuff, I might consider it. But if he's just been lounging around with a hangover - his problem, not yours.

Original poster
Mim78 · 05/09/2014 21:34

He has worked some weekends tbh. Usually a Sunday rather than a sat and the bank holiday Monday.

But there has been at least one hang over in there too.

And one Saturday we had ds baptism I suppose so that took a Saturday out of the mix,

OP posts:
ThinkIveBeenHacked · 05/09/2014 21:43

If he is that keen to soend the time with her then he can take her dancing.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 05/09/2014 21:45

He's an immature twat and an arsebiscuit.

What makes him think his suddenly thought-up plans are more important than an activity which is important to your daughter, she has made a commitment to and which she enjoys?

I wouldn't be tiptoeing around him, I'd tell him to fuck off with his teasing and his tormenting. Being part of a family means that no one person in it always gets their own way. Fucking twat

Original poster
Mim78 · 05/09/2014 21:55

I did suggest he take her to dancing.

I forgot to mention he thinks the dancing lessons are no good as tbh the standard is not high but it is for fun as much as anything.

I think that he had forgotten who the child is and wants to spend time with her on his own terms only.

I shouldn't be tiptoeing you are right. He says he will go out on his own instead. I have to just leave him to it I think but I don't need this sulking.

OP posts:
CookieDoughKid · 05/09/2014 21:57

he is very selfish indeed!! My dh also agrees!!

NorksEnormous · 05/09/2014 21:58

What the actual fuck? Is your husband 12??? Confused

Original poster
Mim78 · 05/09/2014 21:58

I just need his support and some family time right now as have been on my own with the kids a lot (mostly because he is working long hours but still). It seems really rotten to me that it is being held out to us as only available when dd has something else on.

OP posts:
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