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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is dh being spectacularly unreasonable?

78 replies

Mim78 · 05/09/2014 20:51

Dd (nearly 6) goes to dancing lessons on a Saturday morning. She has stuck with this hobby since she was 2 and has built up the number of classes she does to include different kids of dance.

They have just been on a six week summer holiday from the lessons due back tomorrow. She was looking forward to first lesson back. Every first sat of the month there is a cake sale which dd also enjoys, so this week it is on.

Most Saturdays over the hols we have been at home with dh, apart from one week when we were coming back from my parents'. Dh had been out the night before and was glad of the lie in anyway. One Saturday we went to a picnic at dh's instigation which involved me coming back from my grandmother's earlier than I would have chosen.

Therefore dd, ds (baby) and I have been around to spend time with dh most of the last six Saturdays. Some weeks such as last week dh has not wanted to do anything due to a hangover. Some weeks he has wanted us to stay in to do housework or DIY.

Last night dh announced that he wanted us to all go out together on saturday morning (dd has a party at 4 pm). He said "can't she miss dancing once even though we have paid for it". My response was that she was looking forward to it and had been available most of the last six weeks, including last week when dh would not move due to a hangover. I had asked him not to go out or if he must not to be late or drunk but was ignored.

Dh asked dd if she would rather go out with him but her response was to calmly tell him that she would rather go to dancing.

This eve dh has been teasing dd, saying he is going to go out and have a lovely time (possibly with ds, I'm not sure whether he meant this) but that she will miss out because of dancing. I asked him not to and he got annoyed and carried on. I persuaded dd that he was joking so she would not get upset.

Am I unreasonable to think that dh should praise dd for sticking at her hobby rather than teasing her and making her feel she is missing out? Also that as we never know if he will be available to spend time with that he must expect us to have other plans rather than sitting about waiting to see if he wants to be with us?

The icing on the cake was a veiled threat that he would go out with his mates another Friday rather than coming home and reading to dd as he has tonight (she was so happy) if we did not tow the line.

He is now ignoring me and I am fuming. Sorry it is long.

OP posts:
DoJo · 05/09/2014 22:03

He's emotionally manipulating you all to see if you will succumb to his whims - I suspect that he knows he's being unreasonable, but still wants to check whether you 'love him enough' to just do what he says without pointing out what a wanker he is. Working long hours is not a pass to do whatever you want - you have presumably been working long hours as well, so why should he get to be the one calling the shots?

comedycentral · 05/09/2014 22:06

Emotional abusive twat.

LuvDaMorso · 05/09/2014 22:22

I think that he had forgotten who the child is and wants to spend time with her on his own terms only.

If this were true, he would have apologised and arranged something else when DD chose her class over him. Not torment a small child then sulk at his wife.

I agree with dojo. You are being played.

Give in and I bet he'll do worse next time, having learnt that this tactic works.

You are a mother. Sounds like you've raised a nice DD. You know how to handle sulks and tantrums. Never yield to them. Never show your anger. Just calmly get on with your day to day business while the little sod beats his fists on the floor then flounces off all "I am not your bestest friend in the world any more. Is it tea time yet?" .

BlackeyedSusan · 05/09/2014 22:23

hope you have your own source of money. can see you needing to pay a solicitor if he does notbuck up his ideas.

LuvDaMorso · 05/09/2014 22:32

I am a terrible one for breaking the silence myself

Sooooo, it's not the first time you've been given the sulks then...

Original poster
Mim78 · 05/09/2014 22:42

Yes have own source of money.

Totally guilty of letting the tantrum tactic work with dh. To that extent am totally u. Need to be tougher.

Do some ignoring or consider ltb if things don't change.

On occasions when I have got on with day etc it has worked. I know this. I am just crap at it.

But yes I also see that anyone who uses tactics on me is hardly acting like a good partner.

I need to turn things round and stop being a doormat quickly.

OP posts:
Molio · 05/09/2014 22:48

Absolutely right OP. You do really badly need to stop being a doormat, for your sake and for the sake of the kids. Your DH is evidently a great big self-centred sulky baby.

EBearhug · 05/09/2014 22:50

I forgot to mention he thinks the dancing lessons are no good as tbh the standard is not high but it is for fun as much as anything.

She's not 6 yet.

LuvDaMorso · 05/09/2014 22:54

I had a person like this in my life (not a partner). When I was breaking free, I found it helped to imagine her as screaming, sulking, pouting, huffing little Verucca Salt when she started up. A little child, cute curls, pretty little dress, all purple in the face, stamping her pretty little foot.

It helped me to stay strong enough to not cave in.

It did result in me sometimes smirking at inappropriate moments though.

You seem smart and strong. Good luck.

DoJo · 05/09/2014 22:58

OP - if you need some motivation to toughen up, I saw this advert today and it did make me think about how easy it is to model behaviours that you absolutely would not want your child to mimic. If you need to have words with your husband about his behaviour, or want to change yours, then a reminder that your daughter is likely to pick up on a lot more than you might expect from either one of you might help you with your resolve!

LatteLoverLovesLattes · 05/09/2014 23:04

Mim He's not acting like an adult. He's not acting like a good partner and he's certainly not acting like a good dad. I couldn't bear to live with a manchild like this.

Original poster
Mim78 · 06/09/2014 01:22

Will tell you how things go tomorrow.

OP posts:
DoJo · 06/09/2014 01:52

Good luck - you both deserve to be treated better than this. Thanks

Rainbunny · 06/09/2014 02:02

OP please allow yourself to be angry at his behaviour. He is taunting his own 6 yr old dd in a petty and almost spiteful way because he isn't getting his own way. Who on earth does that?

Bogeyface · 06/09/2014 02:09

DoJo that made me teary, its so moving and so right.

It should be shown everywhere.

kickassangel · 06/09/2014 03:20

You shouldn't have to be firmer to stand up to teat tosh behavior. Don't blame yourself for that. Ok, we all have our moments, but some have more moments than others. E should be mature enough not to just try to railroad through his agenda, but to see how dd feels about dance class and respect that. You shouldn't be taking on the effort of then getting people to behave properly.

Original poster
Mim78 · 06/09/2014 08:57

Well for 5 mins this morning he was ok and declared he was coming to ballet.

However then there was a discussion about DIY that needs doing and my mum coming so that I can start back at work on Monday. So now he is in a mood again. This time I don't even know why!

Also ds is teething so I have been up half the night with no help whatsoever.

I think I have had enough.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mim78 · 06/09/2014 14:36

After sulking for the morning dh said he wanted to take ds out. I said no as frankly I don't trust him with the baby in this mood.

Have been out all morning and lunchtime with kids but popped back in before dd's party and he's here so obvs did not go out. My mum is on her way but you can cut atmosphere with a knife.

OP posts:
DoJo · 06/09/2014 19:29

You poor things - it sounds like you are all expected to suffer when your husband doesn't get his own way. Do you think you are any closer to sitting him down and explaining to him what he is risking by carrying on with this behaviour? Do you think he knows that you are getting sick of it?

Original poster
Mim78 · 06/09/2014 19:51

We are supposed to be going for a drink to discuss it. Not sure if it will help.

OP posts:
MissPenelopeLumawoo · 06/09/2014 21:27

Some weeks such as last week dh has not wanted to do anything due to a hangover. Some weeks he has wanted us to stay in to do housework or DIY.

This jumped out at me, why does he get to dictate what you do all the time?

DoJo · 07/09/2014 17:43

When are you going for your drink? Have you thought through how you are going to approach it?

Blackandgreenteas · 17/02/2020 22:20

I’m the OP from this thread. I’ve been trying to find it again for ages!

AIBU to tell you all that I did divorce him in the end? Hideous time, he insisted in staying in the same house even once we were separated, even though he had other girlfriends etc. Took him to court, drawn out and awful.

However I now have my own very nice (smaller!) house with my two lovely kids. Lots of great friends. Yes being a single parent is no picnic but it’s a breeze compared to being married to him.

He on the other hand is engaged (and has been since the summer) to a woman he hadn’t met this time last year. Poor woman.

SabineUndine · 17/02/2020 22:25

Delighted to hear you dumped him!

DrawingLife · 17/02/2020 22:36

Good for you! Flowers
Does your DD still dance?

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