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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Or is dh being spectacularly unreasonable?

78 replies

Mim78 · 05/09/2014 20:51

Dd (nearly 6) goes to dancing lessons on a Saturday morning. She has stuck with this hobby since she was 2 and has built up the number of classes she does to include different kids of dance.

They have just been on a six week summer holiday from the lessons due back tomorrow. She was looking forward to first lesson back. Every first sat of the month there is a cake sale which dd also enjoys, so this week it is on.

Most Saturdays over the hols we have been at home with dh, apart from one week when we were coming back from my parents'. Dh had been out the night before and was glad of the lie in anyway. One Saturday we went to a picnic at dh's instigation which involved me coming back from my grandmother's earlier than I would have chosen.

Therefore dd, ds (baby) and I have been around to spend time with dh most of the last six Saturdays. Some weeks such as last week dh has not wanted to do anything due to a hangover. Some weeks he has wanted us to stay in to do housework or DIY.

Last night dh announced that he wanted us to all go out together on saturday morning (dd has a party at 4 pm). He said "can't she miss dancing once even though we have paid for it". My response was that she was looking forward to it and had been available most of the last six weeks, including last week when dh would not move due to a hangover. I had asked him not to go out or if he must not to be late or drunk but was ignored.

Dh asked dd if she would rather go out with him but her response was to calmly tell him that she would rather go to dancing.

This eve dh has been teasing dd, saying he is going to go out and have a lovely time (possibly with ds, I'm not sure whether he meant this) but that she will miss out because of dancing. I asked him not to and he got annoyed and carried on. I persuaded dd that he was joking so she would not get upset.

Am I unreasonable to think that dh should praise dd for sticking at her hobby rather than teasing her and making her feel she is missing out? Also that as we never know if he will be available to spend time with that he must expect us to have other plans rather than sitting about waiting to see if he wants to be with us?

The icing on the cake was a veiled threat that he would go out with his mates another Friday rather than coming home and reading to dd as he has tonight (she was so happy) if we did not tow the line.

He is now ignoring me and I am fuming. Sorry it is long.

OP posts:
Babooshkar · 17/02/2020 22:37

Congrats OP! You must feel liberated, hooray!

Blackandgreenteas · 17/02/2020 22:55

She does but not at the same place. She moved to a singing/ dancing / acting all in one session later in the same year. Still really loves it though, but the acting is her favourite.

Ds is now the age she was at this time!

Blackandgreenteas · 17/02/2020 22:56

I do feel liberated! Thanks!

SanFranBear · 17/02/2020 23:03

Well done! Not easy but you sound so much happier Flowers

SmallChickBilly · 17/02/2020 23:12

It sounds like you made the right decision and I'm so glad you are enjoying your life without him!!

Thurmanmurman · 18/02/2020 15:43

Basically your 6 year old daughter is more mature than your DH. He should be embarrassed.

IceCreamFace · 18/02/2020 15:46

Great update op. Right choice for you and definitely right choice for your kids. Good luck to the new woman she'll be needing it!

Blackandgreenteas · 18/02/2020 15:47

Thanks everyone!

Basically your 6 year old daughter is more mature than your DH. He should be embarrassed.

^^ that’s basically what everyone said at the time!

billy1966 · 18/02/2020 15:54

Congratulations on kicking that idiot to the kerb OP. Nasty piece of work trying to.upset your daughter.
Flowers

GabriellaMontez · 18/02/2020 15:59

Yanbu to give us this update. Hope it's an inspiration to one of the many who are always struggling here.

BlackeyedSusan · 18/02/2020 16:04

Great update. Glad to hear that it is working out for you.

AryaStarkWolf · 18/02/2020 16:11

This thread was before my time but it's great to read a full story for once. Good for you OP

Blackandgreenteas · 18/02/2020 16:12

GabriellaMontez I thought it might be worth adding to the small number of people who come back, having been advised to LTB, to say they did LTB!

I had a couple of other threads about him too, including one called “how to I LTB”!

She gets on OK with him at the moment - the two of them are there now while I’m (allegedly) working. Much better now she can walk around to friends and hang out with them independently! DS is now beginning to be the one who doesn’t want to go. I have 9 of 14 nights if anyone is interested:

MulticolourMophead · 18/02/2020 16:28

You seem happier, and thanks for the update.

KatherineJaneway · 18/02/2020 16:31

Good for you Flowers

gavisconismyfriend · 18/02/2020 16:57

Well done! You sound much happier, I’m sure the children are too. Be proud of yourself OP

LucyAutumn · 18/02/2020 17:14

This is marvellous! Well done OP! Flowers

AngelsSins · 18/02/2020 17:33

Well done you!!! He sounded like a right twat, clearly felt that he was the big man and everyone should dance around him - what a prat.

Out of interest was it this incident that sparked you on to leave, or did something else happen?

BemidjiMinnesota · 18/02/2020 17:43

Well done @Blackandgreenteas ! He sounded like a real knob.

ellendegeneres · 18/02/2020 18:15

Wow good for you. Always good to know when someone got away from such an utter wanker

Blackandgreenteas · 18/02/2020 20:03

@AngelsSins it wasn’t this specifically. We didn’t actually separate/ I didn’t make a final decision until Jan 2016. The final straw was an evening when I needed his help to get both kids to bed as ds (then nearly 2) was playing up - bearing in mind I had been at work all day too, and he’d been given time to have dinner in peace / wind down - and he point blank refused. Stood in the kitchen eating a yoghurt in slow motion.

It came just after a new year where on NYE he’d gone up to the spare room and locked himself in, refusing to speak to anyone (while actually watching a movie). We were supposed to be having a niceNYE together at home and he just left me to look after / entertain the kids while he sulked / refused to speak to me for no reason.

But it was all part of a series of incidents. If you’re interested this is me too;

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/a2387400-How-do-I-ltb?msg_id=54584830#54584830

Forgivenandsetfree · 18/02/2020 20:58

Wow, what an arse, glad you decided to LTB!
Good to see a positive update x

NomNomNomNom · 18/02/2020 21:05

Ergh so glad you left that loser. How did you eventually LTB?

pumpkinbump · 18/02/2020 21:15

I haven't read all of it, just your original post but I would have gone mad! I would have calmly told him to STFU! Take her to dancing and her party at 4pm. And on a Saturday where he is too hungover to move all day (lazy pig), plan a nice day out with your daughter and son and leave him home!

amiapropermum · 18/02/2020 21:18

Fabulous update, OP! Well done and thanks for coming back. It will help others who are in similar situations