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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To hide dh's passport

110 replies

Edenviolet · 03/09/2014 22:53

So that he can't go on holiday......

Last year he had a 10 day holiday despite my objections. He wanted to go this year so I swiftly booked us all a week away when he was booked off. Today he tells me he's going away next year for a week?!?!

I'm not against him having time to relax, he occasionally has a weekend fishing but another holiday????

Dcs all have disabilities so I really need him at home to help me. He is certain it "will be fine". I don't want to argue so am considering doing a vanishing trick with his passport....

OP posts:

scarletforya · 04/09/2014 08:52

I'm glad you told him straight. In your shoes it would have just been a firm 'NO' from me at the first mention of it.

He doesn't get to have a break at your expense. Keep being very firm with him, he shouldn't even be chancing his arm.

Fairylea · 04/09/2014 08:57

"he does admit he knows I won't manage but said he just desperately needs a break"

!!!!

This. In bold. With bells on.

What an incredible arse.

Original poster

Edenviolet · 04/09/2014 08:59

In an ideal world we would have help and support from family and this sort of thing wouldn't be a problem, I can see how it would make things better if we both got the rest and relaxation we need but things are not like that so dh can't carry on as if they are.
I think I was just feeling defeated yesterday and hiding the passport seemed like a non confrontational easy way out.

OP posts:

Only1scoop · 04/09/2014 09:02

A week away seems a little selfish whilst he can see you are clearly in anguish at the prospect of it and he would miss your sisters wedding.

Presumably if he needs his passport he is going abroad so would not be able to nip back within a few hours if something happened.

Personally I think he is being selfish. He knows you wouldn't leave your dc for a week. Even though he offers to do it solo if you wanted to take a trip.

EarthWindFire · 04/09/2014 09:22

Is your DH having any treatment for his own health issues?

Morloth · 04/09/2014 09:24

How would hiding his passport be non confrontational? I would go ballistic if DH hid my passport.

Original poster

Edenviolet · 04/09/2014 09:53

Because he would assume it was lost and therefore not my fault he couldn't go! But I won't be hiding it now anyway.

Dh is waiting for a physio appointment and also for dates for various surgery (knee replacements and other surgery related to joint issues)

OP posts:

ilovechristmas1 · 04/09/2014 10:01

well if it's next year is there any chance you would of passed your driving test,that would make things easier with the dc's

i cant see why you both cant have time away with friends,have you suggested to him you each have time away and the other stays at home

ImperialBlether · 04/09/2014 10:07

If money isn't such a huge problem as it's been in the past, why don't you book a room in a Travel Lodge (or similar) once a week and one week you could go from 3 pm to noon the next day and the next week he could do the same?

He sounds utterly selfish and you do sound a bit martyrish, tbh. I would've laughed in his face and said, "Nice try."

ilovechristmas1 · 04/09/2014 10:11

thats a good idea imperia

op you have said previous that DH was giving up work so what imperial has suggested could work,it's only one day a week and DH is at home fulltime is do-able

Mim78 · 04/09/2014 10:14

Sounds like you have sorted this one I.e him not going, but he has to realise it's not going to happen any time soon.

Sounds like you both need a break though. Maybe a nurse as pp suggested?

Fudgeface123 · 04/09/2014 10:14

Why is he not going on holiday with you and the kids. Surely if you're married with kids then family comes first?

Fairylea · 04/09/2014 10:19

I think regardless of the health issues in this relationship, in ANY relationship or family it is not fair for one person to have more leisure time than the other. Even if all the dc had no additional needs I would think it was incredibly selfish of him to bugger off for a week when the op doesn't get to do the same.

ilovechristmas1 · 04/09/2014 10:22

agree but maybe she should stand up to him

it's all very well moaning about the situation but if she isnt going to put somethings into action whats the point,it's not the first time this has happened

LittleBearPad · 04/09/2014 10:39

I'm glad you've spoken. But he sounds staggeringly selfish.

unweavedrainbow · 04/09/2014 11:00

I don't think he's selfish, i just think he's very ill. I have the same health condition as the OPs DH and I couldn't cope with 1 child, let alone 4. In fact, if I don't get at least 5 hours of lying down rest a day then I am too ill to function-and I suspect the OPs DH may be similar. Maybe he has just hit a point where he can't cope? hedgehog have you tried getting some care hours through the adults with disabilities team? even if your dh doesn't have acute needs himself, they may be able to liaise with the other teams to get you some respite? regardless, i have huge respect for what you two manage

LittleBearPad · 04/09/2014 11:05

It's not ok for him to sod off though and leave Hedgehog to it though.

He didn't even want to acknowledge the fact she'd find it difficult impossible. It was selfish. Perhaps understandable that he feels he needs a break. But where's the suggestion Hedgehog get one too.

LIZS · 04/09/2014 11:08

If he is that ill how could he manage a camping holiday though ? Surely it lends more weight to the need for a support worker/nanny/home help. If money is no longer an issue could you find one privately for a few hours a week to help relieve the burden generally.

ImperialBlether · 04/09/2014 11:10

I would have thought a camping holiday would be the last thing he'd want to do, given his health problems. And a holiday in a year's time is no relief, either.

Charlie97 · 04/09/2014 11:13

YADBU.. Is this not 'gas lighting'
your DH knows he has put his passport in a safe place, you move and hide it, he then finds it in a different place?

What a total waste of money as well, he books and pays for travel and holiday, then looks for passport, can't find it and money already paid out?

Also, he may order a replacement passport at additional cost,that is not needed!? Or will you miraculously find the missing item just before he sends application.

If you have an issue with him going.on holiday and FWIW I think you are right, then talk to him.

Deceit is not the way forward.

Original poster

Edenviolet · 04/09/2014 11:15

That's what I thought as camping surely isn't that relaxing but he assured me that his chair bed thing is lovely and comfy....
The other day he couldn't even lift his arms up and they kept twitching and jerking of their own accord, he was in agony and couldn't lift ds2. Today his back was dreadful andhesgoneto get more painkillers. He does need a break but not camping !

OP posts:

mamalino · 04/09/2014 11:18

Hedgehog you need to use some of the DLA to fund some respite for you both. It would benefit you all including DC. Preferably you and DH would have a break together but I know the difficulties of that!

If your financial situation has improved, can you do this? Something has got to give, you are going round and round and round in circles.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 04/09/2014 11:23

unweaved
IIRC Hedgehog also has the same condition but not as badly as her DH so they both need support. It must be hard when the council keep expecting you to cope until you fall apart.

Hedgehog did your DH get DLA in the end? Is he still working?

TheFairyCaravan · 04/09/2014 11:24

Has he stopped work yet hedgehog?

Original poster

Edenviolet · 04/09/2014 11:29

He has stopped temporarily and we are going to reassess this in the new year as he does want to start again when things are easier and luckily will be able to return to the same job (business is owned by family).
He did not get pip the thing is he can do most things but has severe pain. Every so often like the other day he cannot move for a day or two but then takes lots of painkillers and is just tired, grumpy etc due to the pain.
It will get easier I'm sure, just don't know when .

OP posts:

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