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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hide dh's passport

110 replies

Edenviolet · 03/09/2014 22:53

So that he can't go on holiday......

Last year he had a 10 day holiday despite my objections. He wanted to go this year so I swiftly booked us all a week away when he was booked off. Today he tells me he's going away next year for a week?!?!

I'm not against him having time to relax, he occasionally has a weekend fishing but another holiday????

Dcs all have disabilities so I really need him at home to help me. He is certain it "will be fine". I don't want to argue so am considering doing a vanishing trick with his passport....

OP posts:
ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 04/09/2014 00:08

I remember your previous threads, including the run up to the holiday. IIRC not only did you have to cope with the DC you also had to delay medical treatment / surgery for yourself and one of the DC. Either he is utterly in denial or he is rather selfish! He knows it is entirely possible for 2 of your DC to have medical emergencies at the same time. It's quite possible for your eldest to faint and your DD to have a hypo at the same time. What does he expect you to do?

Has he ever looked after the DC on his own overnight?

gobbynorthernbird · 04/09/2014 00:09

Get help, have breaks. Both of you. Even if it's a couple of nights in a Travelodge it would do you the world of good.

ilovesooty · 04/09/2014 00:11

You have no right to hide his passport. If his plans to go away are going to cause difficulties for you and the family you need to be talking about it.

ikeaismylocal · 04/09/2014 05:58

Yanbu.

I would casually ask him which 2 children he intends to take camping with him as obviously it's not fair on you or the dc for you to be left juggling everyday care, medical needs and a wedding.

Morloth · 04/09/2014 06:03

Nothing will change until you do Hedgehog you just go round and round the same issues.

Hiding his passport is a silly idea, it will only cause anger and frustration and then you will have that to deal with as well.

Be an adult, have an adult conversation.

YABU.

ilovesooty · 04/09/2014 06:05

You chose to deal with his desire for a break this year by swiftly moving in to book a break thus preventing him from going.
If you consider his plans unreasonable you need to talk, not play controlling games.

CerealMom · 04/09/2014 07:08

You both need breaks.

The problem is how you go about facilitating them.

Ledkr · 04/09/2014 07:34

Only in mumsnet would it be seen as normal for a parent of four dc to chip off on big holidays alone.
A weekend with friends or a day it night out, brilliant, but regular long holidays alone? Not one person I know with kids does this.
Your husband sounds like a selfish man child with zero insight.
I'd fucking burn his passport not hide it!!

Morloth · 04/09/2014 07:42

Yeah but hiding/burning his passport isn't going to stop him being a selfish man child.

Fairylea · 04/09/2014 07:43

Totally agree with ledkr.

Ledkr · 04/09/2014 07:50

No morloth but it would bring a smile to my martyred face Grin

ohtheholidays · 04/09/2014 07:55

He does not need a break on his own end of!

You really need to stand your ground,I can't believe you let him get away with sodding of for 10 days last year and leaving you on your own with 4 disabled children,what is he thinking??

We have 5DC,two of our DC are disabled and 5 years ago I became seriously ill and ended up disabled.

My DH does the lions share of everything since I became disabled.There is no way on God's earth that I would sod of and leave him on his own!
They're our children and were a partnership!We support one another and all our children,one of us would never dream of sodding of and leaving the other one to drown which is what would happen.

If there come's a time that you can get away together just the two of you then great,but he does not get to leave you on your own with 4 disabled children that's disgusting behaviour.

Just within the past year there has been awful tragedy's reported on the news and in the newspapers,things that could have been avoided one of the worst was a Mother that had been left on her own with disabled children whilst her husband went away.I am not in anyway saying that that would ever be an issue for you but you would think that your husband would see something like that and realize what an awful idea it is for one parent to swan of and leave the other parent at home to cope alone.

Being a parent is the hardest job in the world,but when you throw disability into the mix it becomes a whole other ball game!

TheHouseatWhoCorner · 04/09/2014 08:04

You can't hide his passport. Have an adult conversation about a compromise for you both.
Use a carer/his DM so you can have a day out together.

Ledkr · 04/09/2014 08:06

I'm just imagining dh face when I announce I've booked ten days in Ibiza next week. Grin

aprilanne · 04/09/2014 08:07

what can i say .i will tell you from my view .i have 3 sons all teenagers .two at college or working .my youngest is 14 .he has high functioning autism .i have a hubby with mental health problems .and in two weeks time i am going away for the weekend .myself no one else just me .i will probably walk along the beach .and sleep for ever .only in britian right enough but anyway .i have never went anywhere without my sons before .but being a constant carer is draining .maybe your hubby is just shattered .and its a year away .so if you can arrange help that would be best .but you should also have time away .even to have a sleep eat your tea /supper in peace and hot .

Ledkr · 04/09/2014 08:08

the house I can't imagine the selfish dh will just accept a day out with his wife as an alternative to a ten day holiday.
He is a selfish deluded berk whom is used to getting his own way.
He needs a whole attitude adjustment which I fear will not happen.

HappyAgainOneDay · 04/09/2014 08:10

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

FlossyMoo · 04/09/2014 08:11

No Happy the poster is a long time member.

MyFairyKing · 04/09/2014 08:14

I 'know' you know previous names (both yours and mine) so I feel qualified to say; your husband is a selfish plonker. He's not changed, has he? This is an on going problem regarding his holidays and weekends off. You do not get the same amount respite time as him. He's indefensible.

How are you getting on with the children with disabilities team?

Bambamboom · 04/09/2014 08:19

Maybe my relationship is dysfunctional but I wouldn't be happy about my dp going on holiday for a week alone (with out me and dd) I wouldn't do it, if feel guilty because I sort of think you should take your children etc with you on holiday, but I can see how that would be tough with 4 children. Can't he just take a weekend breaks me you go away the weekend after?
A whole week abroad (a assume he's planning a holiday abroad?) is expensive and a long time for either of you to be left looking after 4 children.

LIZS · 04/09/2014 08:21

I'm sorry he feels so entitled as to put this upon you and Angry on your behalf. However in theory a break with such notice needn't be an issue. What is is that he feels sufficiently disengaged from you and your family that he knows you could and would cope with 4 challenged dc without needing his support or that attending a family event is not higher priority. Does he ever cope with the 4 dc alone while you go out, or does he bring his dm around. The fact that it is you struggling with dd2 starting school atm suggests he is somewhat distanced from day to day caregiving and unsupportive. If you are to agree to any future trips (not counting the one proposed as the wedding should come first) you both need to put in place a wider circle of support , be it carers, family, friends, professionals, babysitters, respite such that it doesn't leave you in the lurch - then you get breaks too and life generally may become a bit easier.

flanjabelle · 04/09/2014 08:32

Happy I have reported your post. You obviously haven't read the thread as the previous posts by the op have been mentioned. I think it's very rude to come onto a thread like this and throw around troll accusations. The op is having a bloody hard time and your input is completely unnecessary.

I wish Fanjo was here with one of her asshat awards, you would be a prime candidate.

flanjabelle · 04/09/2014 08:36

And op, you would be well within your rights to kick off massively about this. I know you don't want a confrontation, but the other option is worse imo. You can't just let him walk all over you like this. It is beyond selfish. Is he struggling with family life in general? It sounds like he just wants to run away.

Original poster
Edenviolet · 04/09/2014 08:49

There is no support from family/friends so I'm looking into the carer side of things as its the only way. To get children with disabilities team. To help we have had to fill in another caf form (madness considering we went through the process before and sw. Could not find any support as we didn't meet criteria either be because dcs only have medical not learning difficulties etc) but now that ds1 under camhs they've said it may be different as his health problems are affecting him in other ways.

I've spoken to dh again and went put on the spot he does admit he knows I won't manage but said he just desperately needs a break, he has said he can seedy its not a good idea. I think he was just trying his luck (very childish in my opinion) but I have told him straight exactly why it will be difficult and that its not a case of 'never' but things need to be a lot better and care in place for dcs before we can even discuss it again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Edenviolet · 04/09/2014 08:50

Argh. When not went, see not seedy and not sure why so many . In my post

OP posts: