Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hide dh's passport

110 replies

Edenviolet · 03/09/2014 22:53

So that he can't go on holiday......

Last year he had a 10 day holiday despite my objections. He wanted to go this year so I swiftly booked us all a week away when he was booked off. Today he tells me he's going away next year for a week?!?!

I'm not against him having time to relax, he occasionally has a weekend fishing but another holiday????

Dcs all have disabilities so I really need him at home to help me. He is certain it "will be fine". I don't want to argue so am considering doing a vanishing trick with his passport....

OP posts:
Original poster
Edenviolet · 03/09/2014 23:24

If I said I was going away for a week I'm sure he would say it was absolutely fine. He may even cope better than I would but he can drive so that's one massive advantage and I know for a fact mil would help if she thought her precious ds would get tired. She won't ever help me though.

OP posts:
FlossyMoo · 03/09/2014 23:24

So the answer is No DH you cannot go on holiday. I don't think you need to list the reasons why given that he has a complete understanding of how hard it can be coping with all you manage.

He cannot just forget he has a family for a week while he goes and rests/has a family free time. Marriage and families don't work that way and yours more so given the difficulties you face daily.

For me he would either be in this family or he pissed off for good. He cannot just step in and out of it when the urge takes him.

TracyBarlow · 03/09/2014 23:28

I've not checked, but IIRC from your previous posts, I thought you were seriously on the breadline? Wasn't there some issue earlier this year with not being able to afford to learn to drive etc? Apols if I'm wrong.

If so, where on earth is he proposing he will find the money for this jaunt?

Original poster
Edenviolet · 03/09/2014 23:29

It doesn't help that the week he wants to go is dsis (massive) wedding and I'd have to get dcs ready by myself,somehow get them there, make sure it all goes smoothly (they are bridesmaids/pageboys) look after them at reception afterwards then get them home. It just feels like too much.

OP posts:
TheFairyCaravan · 03/09/2014 23:30

Why do you put up with it? I would tell him if he goes on the holiday that it is over. He is totally and utterly selfish and you know he is, deep down. If he wasn't he wouldn't even be thinking of going, unless he had sorted out reliable help for you.

What happens if one of the kids takes ill in the night and needs to get to hospital? They won't take 4 extras in an ambulance. Tell him you've decided to use the money for driving lessons!

Original poster
Edenviolet · 03/09/2014 23:31

Financially we are fine now after a lot of good luck (grant for medical equipment etc) and the holiday he is proposing is not a huge amount. Its the principle of it that he knows I will struggle and wants to turn a blind eye to that fact.

OP posts:
Original poster
Edenviolet · 03/09/2014 23:32

Driving lessons are in the pipeline. My provisional had run out so that's getting renewed and if I can get my migraines under control (started a new med and have follow up in a month) I will be able to learn.

OP posts:
LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 03/09/2014 23:32

I mean this in the nicest possible way, but if a woman came on saying her DH had hidden her passport the thread would be at 750 posts of LTB before you'd hit refresh.

Do I think he should go on this holiday - hell no. I do not. But you hiding his passport is not the way to resolve it, it's controlling.

You need to discuss things properly and you have to really spell out how you feel about this. He may be indulging in some wishful thinking... He may genuinely believe things could be better by next year. He could be just desperate for a sleep break.

I actually think you should both have time away. If money isn't a problem can you hire help in? What about respite care? Could you take the bf dc away with you and leave him with the other three?

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 03/09/2014 23:34

Massive x posts. Does he hate weddings?

whois · 03/09/2014 23:35

Oh hedgehog your lives are so hard. You both clearly need a break but DH is being utterly utterly selfish leaving you alone like this again.

Dumpylump · 03/09/2014 23:36

Hang on.....so he isn't going with you to your dsis wedding either then?
Oh Hell no!

LuvDaMorso · 03/09/2014 23:36

He is bailing on a family wedding to go camping?

FlossyMoo · 03/09/2014 23:37

So he expects you to not only cope with the children for a week but also deal with your sister's wedding (for which he is choosing not to attend) and the children.

Sorry Hedge but you need to do something. From all your posts it appears that to DH you an the DC's are an after thought. Not great really. Sorry.

SolidGoldBrass · 03/09/2014 23:39

Well, it doesn't sound fair or reasonable at all that he just gets to go away when he wants to. However, you mention that he has health issues - is whatever's wrong with him something that means he may die soon or be too ill/disabled to have any more holidays? If he does have a life-limiting illness then that might be an explanation for his selfishness, but it's still selfishness.

kslatts · 03/09/2014 23:40

I agree with WooWooOwl, would he be prepared to look after the DCs for a week while you went away with friends?

Original poster
Edenviolet · 03/09/2014 23:41

I don't mind him having a break but I'd rather just wait till things are actually a bit easier if that happens then say "I can manage on my own for a few days why don't you book that break now" rather than him booking it when things are really not ok and I will just stress about it for months beforehand.

I had a day a while ago and felt great after and dh does get time off too just not a long stretch like I think he wants. He does do so much and his health is dreadful at the moment so I know a break would help (although I'm not sure camping would be my idea of a rest if my knees dislocated daily and I had severe back pain and twitching arms from nerve damage but its what he seems to want to do).

After the discussion yesterday he didn't seem to want to talk anymore and I didn't want to keep chipping away and cause an argument so it just crossed my mind to hide his passport, silly I know but it seemed like a non confrontational option that would make it seem like the holiday was just not meant to be when the time came.

OP posts:
Original poster
Edenviolet · 03/09/2014 23:42

To be fair to him he did say he forget dsis wedding was during that week and he does have a terrible memory but once I'd reminded him I'd have thought that would have been enough for him to say he wouldn't go.

OP posts:
notapizzaeater · 03/09/2014 23:43

Not fair at all, how are you supposed to enjoy your dsis wedding you'll be stressed to death. Does it have to be week ? Could he not go for a couple of nights ?

Original poster
Edenviolet · 03/09/2014 23:44

Without a doubt he would say yes if I wanted to go away but in a similar way he wouldn't actually work out how he would cope alone if all dcs were unwell/needed something at the same time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Edenviolet · 03/09/2014 23:45

Apparently its 1 week or 2 so by choosing one week he seems to think he's being considerate.

OP posts:
FlossyMoo · 03/09/2014 23:48

You will carry on making excuses for him no matter what anyone says on this thread.

YABU for hiding his passport.

I hope things improve for you and your family.

Original poster
Edenviolet · 03/09/2014 23:59

I'm not making excuses just trying to understand his reasons. Perhaps iam looking at this from completely the wrong way. I'm thinking 'yes, we both need a break but can't due to no support so both need to care for dcs' when perhaps I should be thinking'we both need a break so we need to facilitate that and find a carer to assist each of us when the other is away'

OP posts:
WooWooOwl · 04/09/2014 00:03

That sounds like a better plan tbh. If he needs the break then he should have it, and you should arrange what you want to do as well.

Original poster
Edenviolet · 04/09/2014 00:06

I'd love a break. I can't imagine how nice it would be too sleep all night and not have to wake up tired. I think I may have to look into this

OP posts:
FlossyMoo · 04/09/2014 00:07

So let him sort a carer. Ensure the money is not family money or the childrens' benefits and let him go.
If he wants the holiday so badly then let him pay for it and let him sort out the extra help for you.