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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask if you enjoyed your own family set up?

110 replies

burgatroyd · 03/09/2014 21:34

As part of my 'shall I stop at two' conundrum (see are teenagers more expensive?) I'm curious about whether you benefitted from coming from a large or small family.

Perhaps you were a lonely only or enjoyed being a single child.
Or you felt lost amongst a brood or liked having two or more siblings.
Are you closer to your brother or sister?
Step or half siblings?

Are you close or distant now to siblings and has this influenced your own family planning?

Thanks!

OP posts:

StupidFlanders · 04/09/2014 05:51

I was one of three and have great memories. I remember being grateful for them whenever it was holidays. I also have 4 boys- close in age, so far they're having a ball!

DaisyFlowerChain · 04/09/2014 07:03

One of many due to complicated circumstances. Hated it and it definitely impacted upon my own family size as I only ever wanted one child.

KERALA1 · 04/09/2014 07:06

Eldest of 3. Very happy but third was perennially left out and still has issues about it. All of us siblings stopping at 2!

Original poster

burgatroyd · 04/09/2014 07:16

OK... I guess the next thread I'll post is 'anyone have a crystal ball?' I guess there's no way to tell. A lot of it is down to personalities.

OP posts:

vdbfamily · 04/09/2014 07:23

I had 3 brothers. I also had 24 first cousins, many of whom lived nearby and went to school with us. I had a lovely childhood.Now, in my 40's, we all get together several times a year.We all go away together for at least a weekend,if not a week, each year.We have a Christmas meal together even if not Christmas day and there are 23 of us now. " brothers have 4 kids,we have 3 and one brother has 2. If I had started younger I would have liked 4 or 5. Big families can be great. One mum at our school has 14 children!

DizzyKipper · 04/09/2014 08:36

I'm 1 of 4, with a 3 year gap from oldest to youngest. When I was younger I always felt that I really loved my family and that they were the most important people to me, and I do love them but have come to realise a few things. We're not as close as I thought we were, I could go a year without seeing or talking to my siblings and it wouldn't matter. We also had problems in the family and looking back I do believe it's because my parents had more children than they could cope with, particularly with such a small age range.

My older bro was depressed and suicidal from childhood, so was I. My mum couldn't deal with it and so (for me) it all got swept under the rug. Older bro was the volatile/aggressive sort of depressive so his issues were harder to ignore, but it was extremely detrimental to the household. I do believe if they'd stopped at 2 they'd have had the time and attention to be able to give to those 2 to ensure they had a better quality of life. I'd originally wanted 4 but coming to these home truths I am now adamantly against going over 2 (and it took DH a while to convince me to go beyond 1).

It doesn't really matter how many other children other people on MN had or coped with. What really matters is you and your partner and realistically how many children you can have and still give a good quality of life to. For some people this could be a football team, for others it's just 1. Work out your limit/

jenny1969 · 04/09/2014 08:40

I am one of three. DH is one of two. Lost of favouritism in both our familes, then and now. Its the reason we have an only. My grandmother once said her biggest heartache was that her sons were not close as adults. I never want to feel that. I also never want my child to feel second best as I and DH have felt every day of our lives. It has made us very close as a couple though and all our siblings are divorced, so maybe being the golden child is also a burden.

TheWordFactory · 04/09/2014 08:42

I am an only child.

I knew that I wanted more than that! Not a large family but definitely not an only.

merlehaggard · 04/09/2014 08:49

I have sister who is 4 years older than me who lives in the same town as me and I get on great with - although rarely see in all honesty. Had a great childhood surrounded by cousins. I have 3 children of 20, 12 (both thanks to fertility treatment) and an unplanned but very wanted 3 year old. Therefore had no control over my age gaps and very grateful to have 3 children at all. I very much didn't want an only child but definitely wouldn't want any more!

makeminea6x · 04/09/2014 08:53

One of 2. Love my big sister and couldn't have managed without her when we lost my dad. We didn't get on well til we both left home though. I always wanted to be part of a big family, and planned to have one myself, but not sure I can handle it! Might have to stop at 2.

AggressiveBunting · 04/09/2014 08:57

One of 2. My sister and I fought quite a lot but also played together a lot. We are quite different people with different views of the world and totally different life priorities but we get on well so long as we dont spend too much time together and reserve judgement on each other. We see each other every couple of weeks, and will always go to one another's bday parties etc. She is great with my kids. What I value most is that we have a completely honest relationship- there is no filter, which can be bad, but I also know that if something needs saying, she's going to say it.

I also have 2 kids (B/G 4&2)and we are not having more.

ssd · 04/09/2014 09:05

I pray my 2 ds's are closer than my siblings and I and they are there to support and help each other in life, not the experience I've had with my siblings

I dream of my kids being close when they grow up

AmberLav · 04/09/2014 09:06

I am the youngest of three, with my sisters 9 and 6 years older than me. We all live 500 miles from where we grew up, and the three of us are only 18 miles apart and very close (not sure what that says about mum, as we've slightly abandoned her!).

I want three children. Got 2 currently, 1 boy, 1 girl...

Writerwannabe83 · 04/09/2014 10:05

I have a sister and I can't explain how much I live her. We are very close in age (1 year and 1 week between us) and we have grown up to be best friends. We have so much fun together and aside from DH and DS she is my favourite person in the world

Surfsup1 · 04/09/2014 10:18

I had one younger sister who was 2.5yrs my junior. I HATED her with a passion. I used to dream about killing her and seriously considered nudging her into traffic on the walk to school. I was otherwise a totally normal, kid - honest!!
My mother had a very similar personality to my sister and so simply could not understand my need for personal space, privacy or not wanting to be licked while reading a book.
My Dsis and I are now friends (we started getting on when she was in her mid-20s).
We currently have 2 little boys who fight but are nowhere near as bad as my sister and I were (I'm very conscious of managing their different personalities) but we've recently decided to have a 3rd as I just hated being one of two.

DH was one of 4 and loved it although his family seem strangely distant to my mind - it's like old flatmates catching up for Christmas. Friendly, but not intimate.

cleanasawhistle · 04/09/2014 10:23

I am a middle child,always felt left out.
My sister is two years older so she got all the new stuff and I got the hand me downs.She was always told she was incharge because she was the oldest,she was very bossy.
My younger sister was tiny so she got lots of attension.

So everyone comented oh the older one is so clever ,she takes charge and get on with things,oh the youngest one is so cute,look at her.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 04/09/2014 10:33

I'm one of 4 although the 2 younger ones are half siblings and our dad kept us separate as he possibly could so we're not close. sometimes I wish we were. Other times I think meh.

I have 2 DC and while my own family set up hasn't influenced how many kids I want (might have more might not) I know I don't want to make the same fuck ups as my own parents did, should DP and I ever split up. I am determined I will never make my kids as miserable as my parents made me with their selfish revolting behaviour. I'm confident that DP would behave better than them too thankfully.

bebespain · 04/09/2014 10:41

I'm an only child, I didn't like it then and I don't like it now! I think I fit the 'weird' only child stereotype perfectly and it has affected my social development. My parents were a bit odd and neglectful though, I just can't help but think that it would have been a bit better if there had been someone else to share it with.
Now, I wish I could give my DC an aunt or uncle, I wish I had someone who was from the same background as me, and I wish that should anything happen to one of my parents I would maybe have someone to help with things

LetticeKnollys - I could have written exactly the same thing

I haven´t had any contact with my father for over 20 years and my mother has recently died. Dealing with that on my own hasn´t been easy and yes I know there aren´t any guarantees that siblings will be close or even get on when they grow up. But still...

I have 3 and often wonder about it being an odd number etc but deep down I am glad I did...I absolutely HATED being an only child and longed for a brother or sister. It still upsets me now and I am 40.

I also think a lot of it is down to the individual parent. As an only child I don´t remember having much quality time, one-on-one with my Mother...I also felt I wasn´t worth the effort for her...she was too busy doing other things.

theship · 04/09/2014 10:50

I'm 1 of 4 and I have an only.

I was a middle child but I don't really relate to stereotypes of the middle child. I was the cleverest yet I had a few years of being the babied youngest before my younger sister was born. I was glad to let my eldest sister be in charge of stuff and didn't envy that in any way. In temperament I'm more like an only, I'm an introvert, I like having 1:1 time with my own DS and we like the peace and quiet when there is just two of us at home. My siblings and I get on but we don't have much in common and aren't emotionally close.

My siblings and I have had 1 or 2 dc each and I think that is just because it's more common to have fewer dc now and financially it makes more sense, than the influence of our family dynamics.

Dontbugmemalone · 04/09/2014 10:54

I am only child. I don't have a dad and am NC with my mum. My cousins don't really care so it's just me.

I have 2 DC and that's enough. I didn't want DS1 to be an only and it's better to have a sibling IMO. I think for financial and health reasons, it's better to stop at two.

Groovee · 04/09/2014 10:54

I was born when my half siblings were teens. They all hate my mum and have become so spiteful over the years, I don't have any contact with them. I only speak to and have a great relationship with 3 of my half nieces, who also have suffered from this being ostrasized from them.

I have 2 children who actually have each other's backs though they wouldn't admit it. They have a love hate relationship with each other but as a family of 4, we do get on well.

I originally wanted 3 but ds was a hard baby and dd was a hard toddler, so we stuck with 2 and I never fell pregnant despite not using contraception all the time.

BonnetDeDouche · 04/09/2014 11:07

I have 1 sister and gained one step sister and 1 step brother aged 6. There are 5 years between us, oldest to youngest. We had an absolute ball growing up. There was a lot of noise and a lot of fun. There wasn't much cash to spare but I've never felt as though we were missing out on anything. We're all still very close and that has definitely influenced my thoughts on how many children I'd like. Currently have 2 DC close in age and would love at least one more. DH and I have also discussed fostering (he is 1 of 3).

momofmonster · 04/09/2014 11:23

i have a younger brother - we have never been mega close but get on well. I aslo have a half sister but as she is 15 years younger than me i tend to be quite motherly towards her.

My best friend is the oldest of four (3girls 1boy) and they are all very close and see each other all the time.

Poofus · 04/09/2014 11:31

Only here. I hated it. My parents were terrible anyway, but having no one to share my experiences just made it worse. It still affects me.

I have only one DC so far. I had a fairly traumatic birth and haven't found it plain sailing since then either, but am feeling a lot of pressure to have another. I don't want my child to grow up like I did.

CarmineRose1978 · 04/09/2014 11:34

I had one lovely older brother, and I never wanted more. But then he died last year and suddenly I saw the benefit of a larger family. It's weird and difficult suddenly to be an only one at 34.

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