To not be bothered about sons ill father..

[OwllwOOwllwO]

I'm ready for a flaming but heres a 'brief' back story first.

I split from DS's father about 6yrs ago due to domestic violence and the fact that I wasn't allowed to go out/work/see friends/family etc. I was petrified of him and I only managed to escape by informing the police that he was a drug dealer. He ended up getting 4yrs and spent 2 inside. During this time I moved to London with my DS and started a degree. I was going back and forth to court as the grandparents were trying to gain custody on my exes behalf. My ex and his family were having phone calls whenever they wanted to but my ex always swore down the phone and told my DS that he should spit/kick me etc. The court decided that contact should stop between my DS and his father.
Once ex was out of prison court carried on. Mediation was given a go but my ex would just accuse me of poisoning my DS against him (I never he is old enough to remember seeing his dad abuse me etc). Ex was given the right to weekly phone calls which my DS refused to speak and still doesn't until this day (Over 4yrs). 2 years ago my ex was given contact of 6 times a year to happen at a contact centre during the holidays/half term. He saw him twice after court finished in July 2012 and hasn't seen him since although he will still phone and my DS still doesn't speak.

A couple of months ago my ex found out where I worked and came into the store shouting abuse and threatening me. He also went to one of my close friends house and told her to tell me to 'watch my back'. These both happened within a week and I called the police for harassment. He was arrested and is due in court the end of September.

So the problem is this..
Yesterday my above mentioned friend had a phone call from my exes sister. (The family doesn't have my number). She had called my friend in tears saying tell Owl to call us as something bad has happened to Ex. So I called the sister and she was crying down the phone saying that Ex is ill and needs to see his son. She then put my ex on the phone who told me he's been diagnosed with cancer and apparently it's bad. I asked what stage is it which he didn't have a clue and just said he's going for more tests this week. He wanted to speak to DS which I gave DS the phone, who remained silent as always. Ex wants to see DS 'one last time' although DS is adamant that he doesn't want to see his dad. I explained to DS that his father is ill but DS just shrugged it off. Should I take DS to see is dad? Should I found out how serious it is before I decide? Should DS be the one to decide as he is 11? To be honest knowing my ex and his ways it could all be a lie and could endanger me but who in the right mind would lie about something so serious? I said to him I would call back the end of next week so he can tell me his results. I may sound cold hearted but this guy put me through so much sh!t and I really don't care what happens to him. I'm more worried about how my DS will feel in the future if it does turn out to be serious.

At 11 he is ok'd enough to decide, if he does not want to than so be it. You owe him nothing, I I would not give a flying feck if he was ill or whether get lived or died tbh.

So he said that your baby will get cancer, which shows that he already thinks using cancer as a tool to hurt you is a 'thing'. Come on love, you don't really believe a word of it do you? And even if he was dying, don't force your son into a situation that he does not want to be in.

Forget the phone call, and just get on with your life and don't fall for this nonsense.

I was going to say what funky just said. Saying that about your unborn baby is very telling. He obviously sees cancer as a word that can hut you.

He's fishing. He's put bait on the end of his fishing line and has cast it in your direction to see if you'll bite. Your son doesn't want to know so I'd be inclined to go with his wishes, because this is about what's right for him and what he wants, it's not about your ex. He's trying to find another way to abuse you, so I wouldn't give him any more headspace as it sounds as though he's taken up enough.

Take any 'illness' out of the equation, he's still the same person as he was last week. Did you want your son to be around him then? I guess not. Being sick (if he is) makes no difference. He has no right to see your son, it's your son who has a right to see his father and this isn't what he wants.

and of course his lack of relationship with his son is entirely his own fault, whether or not he is now ill.

He is entirely to blame for his actions as regards you/his son & the fact that he doesn't se.e his son & his son isn't interested

A sick cunt is still a cunt, in my book.

I agree tread very very carefully, this is a nasty and manipulative individual. I would do more research, ask who his consultant is and what hospital. Then follow that up. Trust your ds, he is old enough to know his mind, he saw you suffer at the hands of his dad. If he does not want to see his nasty excuse of a dad, leave it!

I'd be very cautious about believing he has cancer, my sister had an abusive ex - physically, emotionally, financially etc. When she was gearing up to leave him, he told her he had liver cancer, that he was peeing black and was refusing treatment. She believed him and felt she couldn't leave, despite us all seeing how obvious it was he was perfectly healthy.
To this day, two years on he's still fine but he used it to guilt her into staying.

Respect your ds wishes not to see his father, do nothing! I don't think ds will regret not seeing him, it's nit like he's a good father, whose kind and lovely is he! He knows he's a nasty piece of work. You mentioned that ds needed counselling because of him, why would you put him through that!

YY to all that PP have said - feel no guilt at all that it may damage your son to see him - at this stage there is much more potential harm to come out of seeing him than not.

Don't jeopardise all that you have fought to put in place to keep you and your DS safe.

Another one calling 'bullshit' on his claims.

As others have said, lying about cancer to get what you want is far more common than you'd think

Haven't read whole thread but didn't want to read and run. Do not make your DS see his father. I did not see my own abusive and frankly evil father for 5+ years before he died and never, ever have I regretted it. Setting aside the fact that I strongly suspect it is a manipulative bullshit ploy, I think it unlikely your DS will ever regret not seeing an abusive, drug-dealing lowlife ever, ever again. Best of luck OP, and don't let the "social mores" weigh on you too heavily, there is nothing at all in this for you to feel guilty about.

Just to clarify - I last saw my father when I was 14, he died when I was 19, and I am now 40, in case that is relevant for your son's experience!

Even if he does have cancer, doesn't that just mean in reality that all the mind games he has visited on your son would be ramped up even further?

I am also sceptical about the cancer claims. I do think it is worth saying that, even if they were true, a visit to his father would probably not be in your son's best interests. Sadly, in your ex's mind, a terminal diagnosis would probably just be a licence to throw away all restraint and do as much damage to your relationship with your son as he could manage in the limited time still available.

Sounds a bit fishy to me to be honest… get him to give you clear facts about his cancer and what stage its at, how long they give him, which hospital etc. If it isn't true hopefully you can catch him out.

If it is true then sit your son down and explain what it means but reiterate it is his choice to see or not see his father.

"It may all be a lie as my DS decided he no longer wanted them to call him a few weeks ago so they've had no contact."
I'm thinking the 'I've got cancer' stunt is in direct response to this. What a shitty individual your ex is . He's just trying to over-ride your DS's decision.

It's all a big fat lie.

He has already demonstrated by his previous actions that he has no moral boundaries. Liar, manipulator, bully, wife beater...This is just an extension of previous behaviouur.

Tell him that you'll see him in court (again)

Sounds like a lie. It just doesn't ring true.

He is unable to give any details about his diagnosis except its terminal. For a genuine terminal diagnosis he would have had a lot of investigations. It's not a sudden diagnosis, imaging, MDT meetings etc take time.

No way is this true.

I don't believe this at all either.

If - if- it's true, then it'll come out in court. I'd ask permission for you to speak to your ex's medical people and not have any contact direct with him at all.

If it does turn out to be true, then it's more complex. This has to be one of the most difficult judgement calls ever and whatever you choose might turn out to be right or it might turn out to be mistaken - only your son can judge in probably 20 years' time, sadly.

If it turns out to be true and he is terminally ill, your son's wishes still need to be taken into account. I would push him to have one meeting, with you present, when he is in hospital. Not out of it. Having the nurses around is a good idea.

Why push at all? because in 20 years' time he may regret not having seen him. I lost my beloved adoptive mother at 11 and saw her once after we were told it was terminal, in hospital. I am so so so glad we went. However she was a very good parent. Your son's father is clearly far from good. Even so, he might have complex unvoiced feelings about him and one short meeting near the end might be a good idea. As I say, it's a very difficult judgement call with no clear right way.

Most likely though it'll never come to this because he's almost certainly just bullshitting.