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Original poster

To not be bothered about sons ill father..

120 replies

OwllwOOwllwO · 31/08/2014 16:23

I'm ready for a flaming but heres a 'brief' back story first.

I split from DS's father about 6yrs ago due to domestic violence and the fact that I wasn't allowed to go out/work/see friends/family etc. I was petrified of him and I only managed to escape by informing the police that he was a drug dealer. He ended up getting 4yrs and spent 2 inside. During this time I moved to London with my DS and started a degree. I was going back and forth to court as the grandparents were trying to gain custody on my exes behalf. My ex and his family were having phone calls whenever they wanted to but my ex always swore down the phone and told my DS that he should spit/kick me etc. The court decided that contact should stop between my DS and his father.
Once ex was out of prison court carried on. Mediation was given a go but my ex would just accuse me of poisoning my DS against him (I never he is old enough to remember seeing his dad abuse me etc). Ex was given the right to weekly phone calls which my DS refused to speak and still doesn't until this day (Over 4yrs). 2 years ago my ex was given contact of 6 times a year to happen at a contact centre during the holidays/half term. He saw him twice after court finished in July 2012 and hasn't seen him since although he will still phone and my DS still doesn't speak.

A couple of months ago my ex found out where I worked and came into the store shouting abuse and threatening me. He also went to one of my close friends house and told her to tell me to 'watch my back'. These both happened within a week and I called the police for harassment. He was arrested and is due in court the end of September.

So the problem is this..
Yesterday my above mentioned friend had a phone call from my exes sister. (The family doesn't have my number). She had called my friend in tears saying tell Owl to call us as something bad has happened to Ex. So I called the sister and she was crying down the phone saying that Ex is ill and needs to see his son. She then put my ex on the phone who told me he's been diagnosed with cancer and apparently it's bad. I asked what stage is it which he didn't have a clue and just said he's going for more tests this week. He wanted to speak to DS which I gave DS the phone, who remained silent as always. Ex wants to see DS 'one last time' although DS is adamant that he doesn't want to see his dad. I explained to DS that his father is ill but DS just shrugged it off. Should I take DS to see is dad? Should I found out how serious it is before I decide? Should DS be the one to decide as he is 11? To be honest knowing my ex and his ways it could all be a lie and could endanger me but who in the right mind would lie about something so serious? I said to him I would call back the end of next week so he can tell me his results. I may sound cold hearted but this guy put me through so much sh!t and I really don't care what happens to him. I'm more worried about how my DS will feel in the future if it does turn out to be serious.

OP posts:
Whocansay · 31/08/2014 20:57

I don't believe it either. And I wouldn't let your son anywhere near him before the court date. Your ex may want to threaten / intimidate you through your DS. Maybe he hopes to force you into dropping the charges?

I think informing the police is an excellent idea. They may be able to find out if he's telling the truth. There's no way I would trust this man's word and I certainly wouldn't trust him with my son.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 31/08/2014 21:02

"I'm going to call my ex on Friday and see what he has to say for himself."

PLEASE DO NOT DO THIS! He's appearing in court quite soon for harassing and threatening you. You must not contact him for any reason or you could risk jeopardising the proceedings. A woman who is in fear of her life does not contact the criminal who threatens her. Not for any reason. Him getting off or the charges being dropped could leave you vulnerable to a whole new world of pain. You've already had the message to watch your back from the horse's mouth. Bloody hell, how much more of a warning do you need?

The cancer crap is a heap of shit. I wouldn't believe it unless I saw him in the hospice and not before, even if that was before court.

FunkyBoldRibena · 31/08/2014 21:06

I'm going to call my ex on Friday

Yes, that's the trap and you would fall straight in.

Ionacat · 31/08/2014 21:09

I have say I would leave the decision to your DS, sounds like a sensible lad but wait until you know more, ask for proof as well. Things can happen quickly but unlikely as he'll need more tests/scans to confirm things. Once you know what is what and arrange for the information to come via an intermediary if you want so you don't have to speak to him if you don't want. There are lots of different types of lymphoma - have a quick look at the lymphoma association's website, you'll be able to work out very quickly if he is lying as there are lots of different types, e.g. Blast cell B and if he is telling the truth he'll know which one as they treat them differently.

For those that say rubbish, you don't know stage and whether it is terminal before a diagnosis, that's not always true and wasn't in any of my family. They found secondary tumours with my Mum first, so we knew it was bad and they said that the prognosis wasn't good even before they found the main tumour (stomach cancer.) Also OH had lymphoma non-hodgkin, which was diagnosed very quickly through a biopsy, but although they said it was unlikely to have spread and were confident of a good outcome we had to wait for a scan to confirm that and the staging. Hence you need to wait for further tests and the confirmation, he should get a letter sent from the hospital to his GP that we also got a copy of and you could ask to see it.

Pico2 · 31/08/2014 21:13

I think Bitter is right - don't call.

londonrach · 31/08/2014 21:15

Contact via solicitors only especially with court case coming up. Sorry op

TongueBiter · 31/08/2014 21:15

I agree with all the posters saying do not be drawn into this, esp under current circumstances.

However ..... June last year, my exh was told he had Burkitts Lymphoma and four to six weeks to live. But that was if he DIDNT have chemo etc;, which he did, and is still very much alive to tell the tale. At that point he didn't have much info until he had had further tests. So there MAY be some truth in his story. But if your ds doesn't want to see him, I would listen to your ds.

Waltermittythesequel · 31/08/2014 21:18

'm going to call my ex on Friday and see what he has to say for himself

DO NOT CALL HIM!!!

He's in court for harassment and you want to instigate contact?

No, no, no.

CurlyWurlyCake · 31/08/2014 21:26

Please don't call him.

Bogeyface · 31/08/2014 21:27

Totally agree, DO NOT CALL HIM UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.

The case against him could totally collapse if you do. His solicitor will paint you as a liar, perhaps mentally unstable, vindictive etc because you reported him and then contacted him yourself. Perhaps even saying that you contacted him because you wanted to make things even worse for him.

And if he gets off on the harassment charge he will know that he can do whatever the fuck he likes as you will have lost all credibility as a witness, he can and will harass you when he makes his miracle "recovery" (and he will, make no doubt about that probably involving some vague "treatement" that he cant remember the name of.)

FFS please do not contact him at all and any time he contacts you, tell the witness service. NO CONTACT, NOT AT ALL. If his sister calls dont engage, say your son has said no and she is not to contact you again.

Your son was asked if he wants to see his dad, he said no, conversation over. It doesnt matter if he has cancer or has grown fucking wings, his son has said no, end of.

Bogeyface · 31/08/2014 21:30

And actually, given his record, this "cancer" could be a way of getting you to drop the charges if his solicitor has warned him that he could go down again.

Whatever his plan please please please dont fall for it.

Talk to your DP, he is a police officer, he will know how easily cases like this can fall apart. Trust him and not the piece of shit that destroyed the first 5 years of your sons life.

AbbieHoffmansAfro · 31/08/2014 21:34

You start calling him, he'll use it in court to get off the harassment. Do nothing.

Topseyt · 31/08/2014 21:38

I am with the camp calling it bullshit. I think that highly likely.

It could well be a trap. Don't fall for it. Inform your solicitor what has happened and communicate only that way now. Not directly.

In the probably unlikely event that he may have some form of cancer, he should then have no trouble producing the documentary and medical evidence in court (letters from his consultant etc.). If he can't or won't do that then it confirms what so many of us here suspect.

gimcrack · 31/08/2014 21:40

He's trying to manipulate you. Do not fall for it.

SallyMcgally · 31/08/2014 21:48

He's lying. Don't call him. Deal with through he courts. What a nasty piece of work.

Original poster
OwllwOOwllwO · 31/08/2014 22:02

Thanks for all the advice regarding calling him back. I didn't really think it would go against me in court. I should've realised that. My Dp has told me not to call and if it is serious they will contact my friend again. They don't have my number or my address, they used to contact my DS on a phone I bought specifically for them to call on (which had no location settings etc). I've now changed his number ready for when he start secondary school on Weds Smile so they have no way of contacting me/DS at all.

I no longer have a solicitor, social worker etc involved as the court proceedings concluded in 2012. I will call the witness protection service first thing and also email them so they have it in writing, I won't be calling my ex at all.

I haven't googled anything about lymphoma and I don't plan to as I don't want to start feeling sorry for him. Although my heart goes out to the posters who have had to deal with it in their lives.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 31/08/2014 22:09

Sorry for that stupid idea earlier about Googling owl I wasnt thinking it through.

The way to look at it is whether you would consider him a healthy influence on your son if he wasnt allegedly ill. No? Then why on earth would him having cancer change that?

You see it on toxic family threads all the time. Some poor son or daughter is guilted into seeing mum and/or dad because they are very ill. So they go and what happens? Does ma or pa welcome them with open arms, thank them for coming, apologise for the abuse and let bygones be bygones? No, they use the renewed contact to continue the abuse and pain they inflict. The only difference between that situation and this one is that your son has you in corner keeping the baddies away :)

Original poster
OwllwOOwllwO · 31/08/2014 22:13

No need to say sorry Bogey Smile

Yes read many toxic family threads and I have a toxic family myself. I should know all the signs. My ex is a psycho..there's many more terrible things he has done to other people. I should trust my gut. I'm just worried my DS will regret things in the future. Firstly I need to know if ex is really ill or not

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 31/08/2014 22:22

No you dont need to know!

Your DS has decided.

Do you trust your son? Do you believe that he understands what he is saying? Do you think he remembers the dark days of his fathers abuse (and perhaps more recent things that have been said during the phone calls)?

Dont second guess him. He will look back and either think "I did the right thing" or think "Perhaps I didnt do the right thing but it was the right thing for me at the time". But you forcing him to see a man who led him to threatening you with a knife at .. what? 5 years old? could do more damage than not seeing him could ever do.

Trust your son.

Bogeyface · 31/08/2014 22:24

I cant say this enough! IT DOESNT MATTER IF HE IS DYING!

It really doesnt. As you said yourself, he is a psycho. Cancer wont change that, in fact it could make it worse as it is the ultimate lose of control.

Stop thinking like a nice kind person dealing with other nice kind people.

You are a lioness and a jackal is threatening your cub, would you let him see the jackal because it had a thorn in its paw?

FreeSpirit89 · 31/08/2014 22:29

How old is your DS?

I would say no, seeing someone for the final time is hard, and harder on a child.

Lucked · 31/08/2014 22:30

Well lymphoma is often very treatable and can be low grade too. I am sure IF he does has lymphoma he will get treatment and you will have some time, possibly years to decide if he needs to see him again.

At the moment listen to your son. If in the future he is in a Hospice or going downhill fast perhaps you need to have a serious conversation.

You could set up an email account and gve them that so you don't have to talk to them, easy to shut down if they are abusive and you would have the lies documented.

Original poster
OwllwOOwllwO · 31/08/2014 22:33

I know, I'd be kind of relived if he does...in fact is be happy. No one deserves cancer but he's the exception and karma is a bitch. I remember him saying to me at court in 2012 ( I was pregnant with DD) that my 'baby will get cancer'...

He's a prick

My DS knows what he wants and I will listen to him. He remembers everything and he had therapy to deal with it a few years ago which helped him a lot and he was able to concentrate at school. He was on the SENS register but came of it and now he's above most of the expected levels Smile I'm very proud of him although he does play Minecraft far too much!

OP posts:
Original poster
OwllwOOwllwO · 31/08/2014 22:34

My DS is 11, FreeSpirit

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 31/08/2014 22:38

He is probably terrified of going back to those dark days. The poor wee man needed therapy to deal with it, no wonder he is saying no.

May I suggest you tell your friend that you do not want to hear anything that your ex or his sister have to say and if she continues to pass messages on then you will have to cut her off? Sounds like not much of a friend tbh.

Do you have an email for the sister? Failing that send a recorded delivery letter (keeping a copy natch) saying "Dear Sister, Further to your phone call of X, my son Y does not wish to have any contact with Z at this time. If that changes I will inform you in writing at this address. Do not contact me again. Regards Owl"

Then dont think on it again.