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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be bothered about sons ill father..

120 replies

OwllwOOwllwO · 31/08/2014 16:23

I'm ready for a flaming but heres a 'brief' back story first.

I split from DS's father about 6yrs ago due to domestic violence and the fact that I wasn't allowed to go out/work/see friends/family etc. I was petrified of him and I only managed to escape by informing the police that he was a drug dealer. He ended up getting 4yrs and spent 2 inside. During this time I moved to London with my DS and started a degree. I was going back and forth to court as the grandparents were trying to gain custody on my exes behalf. My ex and his family were having phone calls whenever they wanted to but my ex always swore down the phone and told my DS that he should spit/kick me etc. The court decided that contact should stop between my DS and his father.
Once ex was out of prison court carried on. Mediation was given a go but my ex would just accuse me of poisoning my DS against him (I never he is old enough to remember seeing his dad abuse me etc). Ex was given the right to weekly phone calls which my DS refused to speak and still doesn't until this day (Over 4yrs). 2 years ago my ex was given contact of 6 times a year to happen at a contact centre during the holidays/half term. He saw him twice after court finished in July 2012 and hasn't seen him since although he will still phone and my DS still doesn't speak.

A couple of months ago my ex found out where I worked and came into the store shouting abuse and threatening me. He also went to one of my close friends house and told her to tell me to 'watch my back'. These both happened within a week and I called the police for harassment. He was arrested and is due in court the end of September.

So the problem is this..
Yesterday my above mentioned friend had a phone call from my exes sister. (The family doesn't have my number). She had called my friend in tears saying tell Owl to call us as something bad has happened to Ex. So I called the sister and she was crying down the phone saying that Ex is ill and needs to see his son. She then put my ex on the phone who told me he's been diagnosed with cancer and apparently it's bad. I asked what stage is it which he didn't have a clue and just said he's going for more tests this week. He wanted to speak to DS which I gave DS the phone, who remained silent as always. Ex wants to see DS 'one last time' although DS is adamant that he doesn't want to see his dad. I explained to DS that his father is ill but DS just shrugged it off. Should I take DS to see is dad? Should I found out how serious it is before I decide? Should DS be the one to decide as he is 11? To be honest knowing my ex and his ways it could all be a lie and could endanger me but who in the right mind would lie about something so serious? I said to him I would call back the end of next week so he can tell me his results. I may sound cold hearted but this guy put me through so much sh!t and I really don't care what happens to him. I'm more worried about how my DS will feel in the future if it does turn out to be serious.

OP posts:
AMillionNameChangesLater · 31/08/2014 17:54

Sorry, I didn't come to a point. Basically, I'm in the "don't force your son" camp. Sounds like he knows his own mind

MrsAmaretto · 31/08/2014 18:03

Sounds like a lie & if not, your son has already decided anyway - why should he be hypocritical just because the bastards dying?

If your son does change his mind, contact should be done in the usual way.

DartmoorDoughnut · 31/08/2014 18:06

Another who is in the "he's lying and it is up to your son" camp

Thanks sorry for all you've gone through and are going through

furcoatbigknickers · 31/08/2014 18:13

Be very careful, he could well be lying. He abused you of course he'd lie.

coppertop · 31/08/2014 18:22

In nearly every thread I've ever read on here where someone cuts contact with a relative, the person is always warned to expect a sudden illness or medical condition from that relative.

It's a common ploy to get the focus back on to themselves and get as much sympathy as they can from friends and relatives. It's extremely likely that he has lied to his sister about his illness.

I would wait and see what happens in court next month.

Hissy · 31/08/2014 18:23

find out for sure what the situation is. only with real concrete proof will you consider engaging with this man.

keep you ds completely out of all of this until you have all the facts.

IF this man has cancer AND it's terminal then your ds nEeds to know so that he can decide if he wants to speak to him, THEN see what your ds wants to do and how he wants to do it.

Pico2 · 31/08/2014 18:36

I was relieve to read that your DP is in the police.

If your ex can go to his sister's then he can get to a contact centre. If you and your DS do decide that your DS should see him then make sure it's in a safe manner. But it does sound like complete BS and your DS should be completely supported in doing what he wants.

waithorse · 31/08/2014 18:41

I'd find out if he really is ill before agreeing to anything.

Annarose2014 · 31/08/2014 19:28

BULLSHIT.

Nobody who's been diagnosed with cancer doesn't know what stage they're at!

And he knows he's terminal? When he's still awaiting more tests? Yeah sure. Doesn't add up.

And he wants to see him "one last time" when he's not even in treatment? Oh OK then.......Hmm

If ANY of this is true then he'll be in hospital or a hospice before the year is out. Your son can make a decision about whether to see him then.

Oh and I would not trust one word he says about his test results next week. I wouldn't trust anything verbal, tbh.

The only thing I'd trust is an in-patient admission to hospital. That sounds hard, but in this case I think its warranted. Your son would still have a chance to have a relationship with him then. Don't be rushed, even if its true he's not popping his clogs next week.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 31/08/2014 19:30

Hi OP. IF he has a diagnosis, he will have a letter* with the tumour type, stage, and prognosis. Until he can produce it, he gets nothing.

I would bet a pound to a pinch of shit he will immediately start yelling about your lack of trust. Don't forget to laugh before you hang up. If he can produce the letter and give his consultant permission to discuss it with you as his son's resident parent, then you can arrange contact if your son still wants it.

*I've seen more than one. They stick in the memory somewhat.

londonrach · 31/08/2014 19:33

How come your ex doesn't know what stage cancer he has. I smell a rat. If you want ds to see ex i strongly strongly suggest a safe place with policeman or ss in case he tries to take ds. Be very careful.

LadySybilLikesCake · 31/08/2014 19:37

My uncle died at Christmas. The hospital do have to document people's conditions as they can apply for benefits while they are unwell. If they are not expected to live the benefits are speeded up, but I doubt the DWP will just take someone's word for it.

Blondieminx · 31/08/2014 19:38

YANBU, at all.

You don't need to feel obligated to the vile man who abused you. You have moved on. Your son has moved on.

No need whatsoever to make arrangements to see the man (and FWIW, I think he's completely making it up).

Zucker · 31/08/2014 19:41

You caught him red handed in his spoofery OP. He has no idea what stage his cancer is at, yet at the same time he's dying. Chancer and a spoofer, believe nothing.

seasavage · 31/08/2014 19:45

It is a whopper if it is a lie (and easy to cry bullshit on, test results, names of specialists, hospital stays). And your son will learn from it if it is a lie.

If it is true, there will be more desperate calls, maybe letters. It might be sudden, but still time should your son change his mind.

Let your son guide this for now. See what happens in a week or a month.

Original poster
OwllwOOwllwO · 31/08/2014 19:51

Thank you all for the replies! I think I need to stop thinking he's telling the truth because of a few tears.
I am going to call witness protection tomorrow and tell them what has happened so at least they will know before the court date.

I know my DS doesn't want to see him but as a few posters have stated I'm more concerned about how he will feel in the future. He hasn't really had a father figure for most of his life and his dad didn't act like one even when we were together.

My DS has had my partner in his life for the past 4 years and also has a 2yr old sister who he adores.
Life is very different from the first 5yrs of his life and he has changed a hell of a lot. He used to be such a little shit and there were times after I left my ex that I wanted to send my DS back. He used to spit, kick, swear at me and he once even got a knife and threatened me. This was due to the influence of his dad and what he had seen. Thankfully I didn't send him back and now I have the perfect, well mannered, funny and creative DS. And although not also perfect he's nothing like his dad! He even grew his hair long as when we bumped into his Aunts in city centre once, they said he looks just like his dad.

I was always seen as the bad one during the 4 and a half years of family court for saying that my DS didn't want to see his dad. He had so many social workers, Cafcass, solicitors talking to him. And even though he told them what he wished he was deemed to young to understand blah blah. Now he is old enough I'm hoping they will listen.

I'm going to call my ex on Friday and see what he has to say for himself. I'll then wait for proof to be shown at court before I talk to my DS again, even though I already know the answer.

OP posts:
Littlegreyauditor · 31/08/2014 19:55

Bollocks.

Nice move to involve his sister as his flying monkey though, with the tears and the emotional manipulation.

If his circumstances have changed so drastically he can prove it to the court and appeal for more contact.

'See him one last time' my ass OP. Keep him away from your son until he produces proof, and even if he is dying don't be bullied into it unless your son wants it.

He gave up any claim to your sympathy when he abused you and tried to manipulate your child.
I may be a callous cow, but his tragic news with no real specifics sounds like bullshit.

Littlegreyauditor · 31/08/2014 19:57

Oops, cross post. Sounds like a sensible plan OP Wink

Hissy · 31/08/2014 20:06

just re-read your OP.

he is lying, he lied to his sister, she called you, you called him, you gave ds the phone.

he yanked your chain.

if he knows he has little time left, he'd have more info on what he's got.

he's bullshitting.

report him to the court, witness protection and no contact again. ask the court to instruct him to put any and all proof of his imminent demise through your solicitor.

ihatethecold · 31/08/2014 20:07

You sound like a great mum. You deserve some Thanks

balia · 31/08/2014 20:08

My DH had Hodgkins Lymphoma - it's a very treatable cancer. If he's having more tests they won't yet have discovered if it is terminal. Even if he has been told he has lymphoma (which would explain the crying) there is a lot of info he needs to find out first before he tries to emotionally blackmail you and his son. I could think up some questions for you to ask if you want to check it out but TBH I'd continue to steer well clear.

Castlemilk · 31/08/2014 20:22

I think there's a very good chance he's lying,

and an even better chance that he does have cancer, has no idea if it's bad or not, but after initial diagnosis the first thing he's done (while family, sister etc. are all in shock, crying etc.) is use it as a leverage with you.

Your response was wise - wait until after his tests. Then you can relay the REAL story to your son - if there is one - and he will, by the sound of it, say no thanks.

I think it's called reaping what you sow, and no, being ill doesn't change the fact that he's a nasty shit.

gentlehoney · 31/08/2014 20:34

I think it is probably a lie, but you need to mention it in court and suggest it might cause further trauma to your son, and involve Cafcass and ask for help in dealing with the situation.
Make sure that everybody involved knows about the "terminal illness" and his request.
If it turns out to be true, your son will have help, and if not, it will be evidence of emotional abuse, which may prevent the contact order.

turkeygiblets · 31/08/2014 20:47

I really would not believe any of this until you have seen official documentary evidence. Why did the sister call your friend and not you? He has your phone number so why not call you directly?

Please tread very carefully with this. He sounds a nasty piece of work and wanting to see your ds 'one last time' would ring alarm bells for me.

turkeygiblets · 31/08/2014 20:48

Sorry,just seen that they don't have your number. How does he contact your ds?