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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not be bothered about sons ill father..

120 replies

OwllwOOwllwO · 31/08/2014 16:23

I'm ready for a flaming but heres a 'brief' back story first.

I split from DS's father about 6yrs ago due to domestic violence and the fact that I wasn't allowed to go out/work/see friends/family etc. I was petrified of him and I only managed to escape by informing the police that he was a drug dealer. He ended up getting 4yrs and spent 2 inside. During this time I moved to London with my DS and started a degree. I was going back and forth to court as the grandparents were trying to gain custody on my exes behalf. My ex and his family were having phone calls whenever they wanted to but my ex always swore down the phone and told my DS that he should spit/kick me etc. The court decided that contact should stop between my DS and his father.
Once ex was out of prison court carried on. Mediation was given a go but my ex would just accuse me of poisoning my DS against him (I never he is old enough to remember seeing his dad abuse me etc). Ex was given the right to weekly phone calls which my DS refused to speak and still doesn't until this day (Over 4yrs). 2 years ago my ex was given contact of 6 times a year to happen at a contact centre during the holidays/half term. He saw him twice after court finished in July 2012 and hasn't seen him since although he will still phone and my DS still doesn't speak.

A couple of months ago my ex found out where I worked and came into the store shouting abuse and threatening me. He also went to one of my close friends house and told her to tell me to 'watch my back'. These both happened within a week and I called the police for harassment. He was arrested and is due in court the end of September.

So the problem is this..
Yesterday my above mentioned friend had a phone call from my exes sister. (The family doesn't have my number). She had called my friend in tears saying tell Owl to call us as something bad has happened to Ex. So I called the sister and she was crying down the phone saying that Ex is ill and needs to see his son. She then put my ex on the phone who told me he's been diagnosed with cancer and apparently it's bad. I asked what stage is it which he didn't have a clue and just said he's going for more tests this week. He wanted to speak to DS which I gave DS the phone, who remained silent as always. Ex wants to see DS 'one last time' although DS is adamant that he doesn't want to see his dad. I explained to DS that his father is ill but DS just shrugged it off. Should I take DS to see is dad? Should I found out how serious it is before I decide? Should DS be the one to decide as he is 11? To be honest knowing my ex and his ways it could all be a lie and could endanger me but who in the right mind would lie about something so serious? I said to him I would call back the end of next week so he can tell me his results. I may sound cold hearted but this guy put me through so much sh!t and I really don't care what happens to him. I'm more worried about how my DS will feel in the future if it does turn out to be serious.

OP posts:
basgetti · 31/08/2014 16:40

If you are back in court next month it could be that he is trying to trick you into allowing contact away from an officially supervised environment so he can use it against you to minimise your safety concerns in the proceedings. He could say 'Well she brought DS to visit me at my/my sister's house so he can't be that worried.' Be careful.

Original poster
OwllwOOwllwO · 31/08/2014 16:40

Thanks for all the replies! I was expecting them to be completely different. Glad you are all on my DS's side. He's a very mature and independent boy, who I believe, wouldn't be the lovely, sweet boy that he is had he been seeing his father.

For the poster that asked what type of cancer - lymphoma

I won't be going anywhere without my other half (police officer)

I want to believe my ex but I know I shouldn't. It such a serious thing to lie about. Plus his sister was crying down the phone and he also sounded like he was about to. It may all be a lie as my DS decided he no longer wanted them to call him a few weeks ago so they've had no contact.

OP posts:
Guiltypleasures001 · 31/08/2014 16:41

He's threatened your life and now is pulling a hideous stunt to get you to take you and your son to him, I think you would be bonkers to do this. Tell the police and let them get proof first, he might attack you once you are there, then what?

diddl · 31/08/2014 16:43

So a couple of months ago he threatened you, he's due in court in a month & now he's dying??

ask for proof??

deakymom · 31/08/2014 16:47

you need proof he could be scamming which would be shameful but not unheard of call macmillan maybe? if he is terminal they would have heard of him yes? or perhaps his solicitor above all do not allow any unsupervised contact arrange a contact centre appointment and watch and see

Bogeyface · 31/08/2014 16:48

This man abused you, harrassed you, was/is(?) a drug dealer who has been inside, he has threatened you and tried to take your son from you for years.

You really think that he wouldnt lie about this? Stop thinking like a normal person and think like him. He wanted money so he dealt drugs illegally, the threat of prison didnt stop him. He wanted you under his complete control so he literally locked you up, the threat of prison etc didnt stop him. He wanted you to suffer for your "crime" of escaping him, the threat of prison didnt stop him.

He wants his son away from you, not because he loves him but because he knows that you do and he wants to hurt you. Do you really think that a man who thinks like that wouldnt lie and say he has cancer in order to get access to the one thing he knows you care about? Do you think that the threat of prison would stop him attempting to abduct him for instance?

And even if it is cancer, he wont suddenly become a kind caring man who's only thought is to make this time easy for your son. Listen to your son, say no and go NC with all of them. If they contact you again tell the police as going through a third party is still harrassment (and tell them about the cancer thing because if he has neglected to mention it, it will do him no favours at all in court when the prosecutor brings it up).

LadySybilLikesCake · 31/08/2014 16:49

Could you arrange to see him in the hospital first without your son? Take your partner though. You need to 'see how sick he is incase it upsets your son too much'.

PrettyPictures92 · 31/08/2014 16:51

If you were to take your son to see him, make it a VERY public place, or a contact centre. Tell the police where you are and that if you haven't checked in with them in a certain amount of time to send help (the police are very willing to do this when it comes to du survivors and where I love they bent over backwards to ensure I was safe). Other than that, if you don't get clear proof he has cancer DO NOT GO. It could be a manipulative trick to harm you/kidnap your son and may end very badly.

All the best to you OP Thanks

Bogeyface · 31/08/2014 16:53

You say his sister was crying, a man capable of what he did wouldnt think twice about lying to his family too.

Bogeyface · 31/08/2014 16:55

Oh and may I suggest that you read up on the two main types of lymphoma (hodgkins and non hodgkins) and the treatment protocols. If he is lying it would be very easy to catch him out.

bloodyteenagers · 31/08/2014 16:55

I would want more info tbh. What stage and type of cancer he has.
Then I would ask about where he wanted contact to be. At no point would I promise a thing. Then, armed with all the info I would have a chat with ds about the cancer, the type, what it means and where his dad would like to see him. I would not agree to going to his house or his family, or for him to come to yours. It would be supervised and in a contact centre.

He could have cancer. It could be terminal. It doesn't have to be a long road between tests and deathbed. My aunt was diagnosed and passed away all within a month. She had gone into the hospice a few days before hand.

PrettyPictures92 · 31/08/2014 16:55

If you do meet him tell the police where you are going and that if you don't check in with them within a certain amount of time for them to send help. IME the police will bend over backwards to ensure the safety of a DU survivor and are more than willing to do this. Best of luck to you OP Thanks

rainbowinmyroom · 31/08/2014 16:55

He is full of shit. Ignore him. If he is ill, it will come out in court. Hope,he gets more time inside.

PrettyPictures92 · 31/08/2014 16:57

(Sorry for double post)

wheresthelight · 31/08/2014 16:58

I am torn on this, on one hand your son is old enough that a court would now consider his wishes and as he has said no then you should respect that. however, I can't help feeling he may regret it later in life and for that reason a part of me thinks you should suggest your son thinks about it (while you check his story) and consider a meeting at the contact centre in October half term

your gut instinct is probably the one to listen too

Iconfuseus · 31/08/2014 17:02

I think you need to consider that he may well have lied to his sister.

You can't take what she says for granted.

LadySybilLikesCake · 31/08/2014 17:02

I'm sorry to sound harsh, but if it is sick as he claims and he's had no contact with his son for years, which person is going to benefit by the OP's ds going to see him? It's not going to be the OP's son. He's said he doesn't want to see his father, so I'd respect his but I would give him the information he needs to make an informed decision.

SanityClause · 31/08/2014 17:03

If he wants to see your DS, he should go back to court.

If he is very ill, I'm sure the court would take that into consideration in making a decision about contact.

Even if he is ill, this is not your fault. It isn't your DS's either.

And at the moment, he doesn't even know if he's very ill or not. If he is ill, it may be treatable. He has said he has to have more tests to even discover how ill he is.

You don't need to do anything at the moment. So don't, until such time as your DS decides he wants to see his father, or until you are ordered to allow contact by a court.

And everything Bogeyface said.

OhMyArsingGodInABox · 31/08/2014 17:08

I would put money on it being a lie.

Even if it wasn't, I still wouldn't take my son to see him.

Jengnr · 31/08/2014 17:11

Nobody (that matters) in this situation will benefit.

No contact unless court ordered and supervised. Until that point ignore. Block all numbers.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 31/08/2014 17:11

He's appearing in court for his harassment of you soon. Pay attention to what he said to your friend and that's "watch your back". Do not get sucked in to this or you could jeopardise the case against him.

Your son has made it plain that he doesn't want to talk to his father. He sounds entirely sensible under the circumstances.

This cancer crap is 100% bullshit and a completely transparent ruse. Keep yourself safe and stay the fuck away from him. He doesn't know where you live yet but all that could change once you decide to emerge from your place of safety.

There is nothing to be gained by your son seeing him and A LOT to be lost.

RabidFairy · 31/08/2014 17:14

If your DS doesn't want to see his dad, then he doesn't want to see his dad. Frankly everything else is irrelevant IMO.

ICanSeeTheSun · 31/08/2014 17:16

I would just listen to your 11 year old.

I would be very surprised if he did have cancer.

diaimchlo · 31/08/2014 17:18

Your DS has made a decision not to communicate with your Ex when he phones and has stuck by it.

I would explain the situation, after you have determined whether it is true or not, give him the option of whether he wishes to see his father or not.

He seems to have the maturity to know what he wants to do and tbh his wishes should be listened to and acted upon.

I feel for you and your DS and hope that you can support each other through this.

AMillionNameChangesLater · 31/08/2014 17:53

My bio father was abusive, mentally and physically, to my mom and brothers. He was also very twisted. Too many things to go into. I hadn't seen him since I was about 11 (poss younger, I'd have to check) 4 years ago I did a google search on him and found out he had died. I cant explain the way it's affected me. I feel cheated, he didn't ever explain himself. I also feel relief that he's gone. Overall, I'm pleased I never saw him again, even when he was very sick. He wasn't a good man, and it would have messed me up more seeing him and expecting him to apologise, then finding out he was already dead.