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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To honestly think I'm too weak to LTB?

93 replies

StarShank · 31/08/2014 14:04

Back story: been together 8 years, married for 4 years. No kids. DH has always coped with his emotions using some kind of drugs or alcohol - I've not exactly been a saint in that area but I've not done drugs for nearly 2 years and have not drank for 6 months (not because it was wreaking my life or anything just thought it was time to grow up and I don't find it pleasant anymore).
Anyway DH has always been verbally abusive when drunk or doing certain drugs. Recently he has slid into a deep depression and a dark place. Spending all day alone in our room, shouting at me, saying horrible things, using drugs and alcohol to dangerous amounts and constantly lying about it. Took about 4 mini overdoses over a month, lied about it, eventually the fourth one ended him up in hospital. He is home now but the experience has turned me into a paranoid, anxious, angry wreak. It's not the first time he has done things like this either. It tends to happen every few years.

I don't know if I can live like this anymore. I don't see him changing. Or if I do it is only for a time before he slips back. Am I a horrible shitty wife for thinking of abandoning him when he is in such a bad place?

Even if I did decide the verbal abuse and drug and alcohol use were good enough reasons to leave I think I'm too weak... I'm not well myself, I don't know how people live alone! I actually don't. I'd be so lonely. I would be in financial ruin....but when I look at him atm all I can think about is how much he hurt me :(

Maybe I should give it a month.

People get divorced all the time and they survive? Right?

OP posts:
CinnamonVanilla · 31/08/2014 14:09

Don't give it a month. You've already given it too many.

You'll survive. You will do more than survive, you'll thrive.

Make your plans today, and leave. First step towards a new, and better, life.

Original poster
StarShank · 31/08/2014 14:18

Alone, in a tiny flat-if I can even afford that (don't know how joint mortgages work with divorce), so probably penniless, pushing 30, no close family, waiting for him to take his own life..... Doesn't sound like thriving to me :( can't see the good, can just see the poverty and loneliness and possible regret.

OP posts:
Notacs · 31/08/2014 14:19

I do find it difficult to understand why you would want to stay - sorry if that sounds harsh.

Notacs · 31/08/2014 14:20

Why would you be in financial ruin?

I'm presuming his drugs/alcohol aren't cheap.

Original poster
StarShank · 31/08/2014 14:21

Because I love him and he is often kind and clever and funny and amazing and we have built a life together and he does look after me sometimes.

OP posts:
Original poster
StarShank · 31/08/2014 14:23

Finances - because I would only have one income, mortgage /rent and cost of living is so expensive these days.

OP posts:
Notacs · 31/08/2014 14:25

I suppose you'll have to stay with him then.

gamerchick · 31/08/2014 14:28

You're 30, why wait until you're 40 or 50 before starting again?

You have no kids and an income.. its time to start planning at least.. start saving while you make these plans. A bedsit somewhere would be preferable to start with than putting up with this.

When you've been let put of the shackles you may find you blossom and wonder why you held on to a dead relationship so long.

At least open an escape fund until you're ready.

Nancy66 · 31/08/2014 14:29

if he is 'kind' then he will understand that you have to separate.

Splitting up when there are no kids involved is a hell of a lot more straight forward.

you don't have to view it as a permanent thing. if he straightens himself out then you may have a chance. see it as an incentive for him

Ragwort · 31/08/2014 14:48

You are only 30 - of course you need to get out of this horrible situation NOW. Please have some self respect for yourself - imagine a friend telling you that this was their life, what would you say to them?

I wasn't married until I was 30 .......... you've got plenty of time on your side, do you really want to live the rest of your life like this?

Yes, it will be tough initially, but the alternative will be so much worse. A friend of mine left her DH when she was in her 50s, she had to live in a shared house for a while but she is so, so glad she made the move.

bibliomania · 31/08/2014 14:58

Hey, it's your life to fuck up if you want to.

Just don't bring dcs into this situation, That would be a deeply, deeply shitty thing to do.

To be a bit more sympathetic about it, I do know from experience how hard it is to LTB. It sounds like you're sitting there picturing miserable outcomes. Could you try in your mind imagining what some happier outcomes would be? Like the Berocca ads - you, but on a good day? With this burden lifted from you, you might be surprised at how quickly the world seems a brighter place, full of intriguing possibilities.

EllaFitzgerald · 31/08/2014 15:10

Read your post as though it were written by someone you love dearly.

Is the fact that he is sometimes kind, funny and clever and that he sometimes looks after you enough to see you through for the rest of your life? What about when the constant drugs and alcohol use mean that he isn't clever or funny anymore? Or when he loses his job and you have to support both of you on just your income? Or when those circumstances mean that the kindness isn't there anymore?

deakymom · 31/08/2014 16:14

who works you or him? who has the mortgage you or him?

lets start at the beginning the relationship is not doing either of you any favours

your thinking about leaving or you wouldn't have posted

you think you will fail

you are wrong you will be fine we can help and advise you but we can't make you leave/stay do what is best for you only you can decide and do those things all i can tell you is you won't fail at being alone you will manage you will cope and you will be fine

Original poster
StarShank · 31/08/2014 16:26

We both work though I earn a lot more than him. Mortgage and house are equally and jointly owned but mortgage comes out of my bank account but he put most of the deposit in.

No one has ever said - you will cope, you will be fine. Your right though, it would be so awful for a while but I would cope, it would not kill me :/

OP posts:
bibliomania · 31/08/2014 17:08

Then let me say it - you will cope, you will be fine.

If you know intellectually that you have to go, then don't sit around waiting to feel strong enough to do it. You put your feelings to one side, you do all the practical stuff, you get out, and once you're in a safe place, you hunker down and you go through the pain. And sooner than you can believe, you come out the other side.

It might take you a couple of years to own a place again - if you're only 30, you have time to sort this out. Would you really sell your potential happiness so cheaply? When you're on your deathbed, will you congratulate yourself that you put up with decades of misery, but you're leaving a nice little nest-egg behind?

minibmw2010 · 31/08/2014 18:56

Renting is not the end of the world !! You are only 30, with no children, run as fast as you can !!!

frumpet · 31/08/2014 19:09

Honestly ? you would be lonely for about a fortnight tops , then you would actually begin to really enjoy being able to just lie on the sofa watching crap and picking out your belly button fluff , without any abuse , worry , or general annoyance that being in a relationship involves . You might not be ready for such a life of unfettered luxury just yet , but you soon will , we all have our limits , and the fact that you are even thinking of leaving means you are coming up close to yours .

maddening · 31/08/2014 19:10

Sell the house and separate finances and buy a flat with your equity - 2 bed and take in a lodger if it is too much.

Less of your income will go on his booze and drugs - you will be fine.

HolgerDanske · 31/08/2014 19:12

It's not as lonely as you might think.

Hugs. I hope you find the strength to take the first step. That's actually the scariest, and most difficult bit.

FunkyZebraHat · 31/08/2014 19:12

You may be able to get working tax credit, council tax reduction and housing benefit on your wages. Check entitledto.com Plus, don't forget if you're the only person over 18 in a household you can claim a 25% reduction in your council tax (doing so is easy - call council or see if you can ask for it online, sign a paper they send you, send it back). Don't use a low wage as an excuse not to LTB

puntasticusername · 31/08/2014 19:14

"You will cope. You will be fine". I think you know that already, and I think you've already made your decision to leave, otherwise you wouldn't be here asking for validation of that decision.

Go. You can do this. Start building a better life for yourself. You're stronger than you think you are Thanks

Original poster
StarShank · 31/08/2014 19:16

I'm listening.

It's such a huge change isn't it. So many practical things to sort out.

What if you don't find another man and end up alone and childless? I'm not ugly, I'm slim, whatever, but I've got self harm scars....men will probably run a mile.

Last time we split up he nearly died like so close to turning off the machines in icu .... It was hell. But I can't stay just because of that can I , I'm not responsible for his behaviour.

OP posts:
Gen35 · 31/08/2014 19:19

If you don't find the strength to leave him, I expect you'll slide into a deep depression yourself. Imagine you had a loving family advising you, if my dds got hooked up with such a dreadful partner I'd be spending my entire waking moments trying to claw them away from him. He won't kick any of his problems with you propping him up, you've ready kicked yours and that takes a LOT more strength than just waking out. Being hard up at 30 isn't that bad, being hard up in your 40s, 50s isn't going to be easier, it'll be worse and if you stay with him you'll never have a nice standard of living by the sounds of it. You deserve more.

Gen35 · 31/08/2014 19:22

Chances of you ending up alone are tiny. If he does kill himself, it'll be his fault entirely for not sorting himself out. And please, you can't have kids with this bloke as you'll end up on your own with them after emotionally traumatising them so if ending up childless is the real issue, it should make you run away from him as you can't have kids with someone like that.

frumpet · 31/08/2014 19:22

Life will be better , you can't argue with that . You can't change him , you can't argue with that . So where does that leave you ?

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