To honestly think I'm too weak to LTB?

[StarShank]

Back story: been together 8 years, married for 4 years. No kids. DH has always coped with his emotions using some kind of drugs or alcohol - I've not exactly been a saint in that area but I've not done drugs for nearly 2 years and have not drank for 6 months (not because it was wreaking my life or anything just thought it was time to grow up and I don't find it pleasant anymore).
Anyway DH has always been verbally abusive when drunk or doing certain drugs. Recently he has slid into a deep depression and a dark place. Spending all day alone in our room, shouting at me, saying horrible things, using drugs and alcohol to dangerous amounts and constantly lying about it. Took about 4 mini overdoses over a month, lied about it, eventually the fourth one ended him up in hospital. He is home now but the experience has turned me into a paranoid, anxious, angry wreak. It's not the first time he has done things like this either. It tends to happen every few years.

I don't know if I can live like this anymore. I don't see him changing. Or if I do it is only for a time before he slips back. Am I a horrible shitty wife for thinking of abandoning him when he is in such a bad place?

Even if I did decide the verbal abuse and drug and alcohol use were good enough reasons to leave I think I'm too weak... I'm not well myself, I don't know how people live alone! I actually don't. I'd be so lonely. I would be in financial ruin....but when I look at him atm all I can think about is how much he hurt me :(

Maybe I should give it a month.

People get divorced all the time and they survive? Right?

I*

"What if you don't find another man and end up alone and childless?"

What, like me you mean? I might not be attached at the hip to some man, and I don't have kids either but I enjoy a pretty full and happy life with LOTS of good things in it to be grateful for. You could too if you can find the strength to extricate yourself from this dreadful situation.

You all have excellent points. I wish I was happy and excited about my shiny new possible life. I just feel empty alone and terrified.

You're not happy and excited about your shiny, new possible life because you haven't made any PLANS yet. So, why not start making some? Like imagining what you might be able to do with your share of the equity in the property you co-own. Being able to make decisions about what you do with your life without the Sword of Damocles constantly swinging above your head.

I split up from my ex 3 and a bit years ago. I work part-time and study for a self funded PhD part time. I don't earn a lot, but I rent a house, feed myself and my cat, pay my bills, run a car, pay a monthly fee to a club I love and see friends. Yes, things can be tight, yes I panic sometimes. But I manage - I could always get rid of the car and club if I were very strapped to example. I love my life. Met a great bloke too. I'm happier, and goodness knows my ex is - I spent the weekend at his place looking after his and his girlfriend's super cute dog! We're good friends.

Just looked at the kind of flats I could probably afford with my half of the house... Pretty much just made me panic and think "are you crazy starshank? You will move in freak out and just want to move back".

I'm a lost cause. Should not have started this thread.

I'm really never one to let fear rule me but it has got a hard grip on me with this one.

Feel the fear, and do it anyway. One of the most important principles for a well-lived life, IMO.

This is the one life you get. Don't waste it on situations that rob you of happiness and contentment.

Okay, slow down. First of all, imagine you've already left. What do you think a good day would look like?

What about taking a job in a cheaper city? Starting a new adventure further afield? Do you like your work?

Can you put it to him as a trial separation or breathing space to find your self again

But you feel empty alone and terrified with him don't you ?

Are you determined to buy a new home immediately, or could you bear to rent awhile do you think?

Because it strikes me that if you can manage it financially, you could spend a little while renting a really NICE place before settling down into the sort of pad you can actually afford long term

That sounds facetious but it's not meant to be - it's just about taking one step at a time. First step is to leave your DH and start living alone. That may well be easier in a place that's materially more comfortable. Once you've lived alone for a while, you'll have assured yourself that you CAN do it - in fact it even has a lot of good points - and you'll be more ready to move on to a place that may be smaller/less well equipped/in a less salubrious area/whatever, for the sake of continuing to be able to live your own life independently?

Surely you'll have to rent for a bit anyway, while you separate, and wait for the divorce and financial settlement to be established?

You will only freak out for a very short space of time , freaking out long term is very hard going and not many people achieve it , believe me , when i ended up alone for the first time in 27 years i surpassed freaking out standards , i could have won medals for freakingoutness . BUT i survived , not because i am built of sterner stuff than you , not because i had oodles of support ( i didn't) , not because i had planned everything to within an inch of its life , but because it really really isn't so very bad being on your own

All good points. Weirdly renting would get me a shittier place than mortgage, but your right I would have to rent for a while while things are getting sorted.

I would stay around here, my friends, parents, good job and therapist are all here.

Just asked him what he would do if we got divorced - he said, your the only thing keeping me in this world I would drink myself to death asap :/

I would have to ask 'define asap?' Are we talking weeks , months or years ?

Oh, love

Thing is, you said it yourself, at 1916. You are not responsible for his behaviour. No one who really loved you would try to keep you with them by threatening suicide if you leave them

This comes from a different perspective but I hope it makes sense.

My father was in his 30s when he met my stepmother. By the time he hit 40 he was miserable. She was financially and emotionally abusive to him including threatening to throw him out if he didn't cut himself off from his children from his previous marriage. He'd had a couple of heart attacks and he felt trapped, weak and powerless although he'd recovered well and worked hard in a physically demanding, responsible job.

I begged him to leave. He always said he didn't have the strength, he couldn't start again at 40, where would he live, where would he go, she had all the money and held the bank account.

He was still saying it at 50. And at 60. When he hit 70 he was struck by a couple of serious, chronic and debilitating illnesses. He was of no more practical or financial use to my stepmother so she threw him out.

He's on his own, just as he would have been at 40, but now he can't start again, he can't earn a living, he really is very ill and frail.

Do you know what he says?

"Darling, I wish to God I'd fucking well listened to you and got out when I still had my youth and had started again. I would have had 34 years ahead of me to live".

Do you want to be like him?

Of course you don't. You can do it. Don't stay and look back on 30 or 40 years of misery. Please.

BTW, StarShank, one of my stepmother's favourite threats was that she'd kill herself if my dad didn't comply with her demands and blackmail.

She's still here. I can't say I'm pleased tbh. She's got the house, the garden, all the work dad put into it, all the money he put into it.

Dad knows now that anything she threatened to do to herself, anything that might have happened would have been her adult choice and not his fault or responsibility. That's another thing he wishes he'd accepted 30 odd years ago.

I crashed badly at 30. I mean very badly. By 4o I was recovered, married and pregnant.

Honestly, you are still young. You can do this. Alone is scary, but so much easier and less scary than how you are living now. Love yourself a little bit, give yourself a chance at happiness. If you stay, desperate sadness is guaranteed to follow.

My biggest regret in life is believing I wouldn't cope if I LTB. So I waited 23 years until he did something so vile that the thought of staying was worse than the thought of going and divorced him.

I've swapped a 4 bed house in a beautiful area for a 1 bed grotty HA flat in a not so nice area. I have health problems so only work part time in a low paid job. BUT, I have peace of mind. I have learned that life is something you learn to handle and as you get more confident and more self reliant you start to believe in your abilities more and then do more.

I have lots of friends and interests, I am not in a serious relationship, though bf would like to be but I am happy living on my own, having my own space, seeing people when I choose to and doing what I want etc.

I had been fed the lie that I couldn't manage on my own and that I'd never had to sort anything out. Well, it turns out that I'm pretty good at managing and building my own life. I honestly mean it when I say I am happier in my very basic flat on a very low income, then I ever was in a lovely house in a miserable, stifling marriage. I have learned that a home or a house can be as beautiful as you like yet be a prison. The most basic place can be full of friends, good times and memories. Home is what you make it.

You can and you will manage if you leave. And suicide threats are manipulative and a desperate bid to get you to stay. If you truly want to leave, do not be swayed by them. Divorcing is stressful. Making your own life is stressful but at the same time, each step is a step closer to creating a better life for yourself.

Sometimes, it's best not to overthink and to just act.

Is it not better you are alone than with a man that is destroying himself is it worth it just tobe part of a couple

If he's that sick, he should be stepping up the help he's getting. It's manipulative. Personally I'd consider getting him sectioned and washing your hands. Maybe he really is suicidal but no reason it has to continue to be just your problem.

Tried to get him sectioned. They had him informal for 2 days then discharged him. He is being offered outpatient support.

There are so many what ifs aren't there :( It really does make it harder knowing he will probably die if we split up. It's a horrible position to be in. As I said last time he was so nearly dead so it is not as if it is just random threats.

Took about 4 mini overdoses over a month, lied about it, eventually the fourth one ended him up in hospital.
It's not the first time he has done things like this either. It tends to happen every few years.

he said, your the only thing keeping me in this world I would drink myself to death asap

He's already doing that right in front of you. You being there is making no difference. I know that when my ex ended up in hospital after an alcoholic binge she was offered a wide variety of services to help. Has your husband been offered such help? Has he taken them up on it? Or does he prefer to just dump the responsibility for his welfare onto you even though he is the only one who can do anything about it?

To stay in a relationship because you're afraid what the other person will do if you leave makes it clear that it's not actually a relationship, it's a hostage situation. There was a family therapist called Edwin Friedman who a parable called The Bridge. I think you might benefit from reading it as it puts into context the situation that you are in (and I was in with my ex).

As for loneliness, never in my entire life have I ever felt as lonely as I did lying in bed next to my drunk partner after yet another evening of her getting pissed out of her mind and screaming abuse at me.

This is your one life. This isn't a dress rehearsal, this is it. The decision to stay or go is in your hands. The decision over whether he will continue drinking etc or not is in his. You can't stop him drinking himself to death if that is what he is determined to do. You can decide whether you want to have a front-row seat to that or not.

You're right home is what you make it.

Argh I might just end up alone though and lonely and feel irrational guilt that he is dead /even more of a mess.

I don't think a man would even look at me twice once he saw my old self harm scars. I'm damaged goods. At least dh accepts them as part of me.