To honestly think I'm too weak to LTB?

[StarShank]

Back story: been together 8 years, married for 4 years. No kids. DH has always coped with his emotions using some kind of drugs or alcohol - I've not exactly been a saint in that area but I've not done drugs for nearly 2 years and have not drank for 6 months (not because it was wreaking my life or anything just thought it was time to grow up and I don't find it pleasant anymore).
Anyway DH has always been verbally abusive when drunk or doing certain drugs. Recently he has slid into a deep depression and a dark place. Spending all day alone in our room, shouting at me, saying horrible things, using drugs and alcohol to dangerous amounts and constantly lying about it. Took about 4 mini overdoses over a month, lied about it, eventually the fourth one ended him up in hospital. He is home now but the experience has turned me into a paranoid, anxious, angry wreak. It's not the first time he has done things like this either. It tends to happen every few years.


I don't know if I can live like this anymore. I don't see him changing. Or if I do it is only for a time before he slips back. Am I a horrible shitty wife for thinking of abandoning him when he is in such a bad place?

Even if I did decide the verbal abuse and drug and alcohol use were good enough reasons to leave I think I'm too weak... I'm not well myself, I don't know how people live alone! I actually don't. I'd be so lonely. I would be in financial ruin....but when I look at him atm all I can think about is how much he hurt me :(

Maybe I should give it a month.

People get divorced all the time and they survive? Right?

[springydaffs]

Well done re CODA. it's an eye-opener.

It does sound like he has wound tentacles around you tightly - not surprising when he takes a significant od, calls you, refuses to call an ambulance; and you subsequently go through pure hell for months. This could be the addiction/s or it could be him.. but what difference does it make? The net result is that he is significantly depleting your quality of like, reducing you to a shell. Re it sounds like you are in a controlling relationship; your lack of drive, despite your intelligence; your fear if being alone.. which you feel would be disastrous. That could be read as you feel you can't survive, or function, without him?

To that end, then, another essential pitstop could be the Freedom Programme. It is different to eg CODA, more a teaching programme (12 sessions), but you do get invaluable support from facilitators and fellow 'students'. Apart from anything, it's good quality info to add to your armoury.

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

Think about the things that the current situation stops you doing. Do you avoid going out to make sure he is OK? Do you ever have friends around or is he too unpredictable? When was the last time you did something spontaneous?

He is controlling your life through his drinking and drug use. I strongly suspect you are not living the life you want to lead but the life you have to lead because of his behaviour.

You mention therapy - so you are seeking help where you feel you need it. What help is he seeking? You can't fix him and you can't save him. So save yourself because you are not responsible for his choices.

[SingingSilver]

Your self-harm scars probably stand out way more to you than they would to anyone else. I cut my arms up as a teenager, and the scars are still there, and very noticeable when I tan, but no-one ever says anything and I barely notice them either. If someone likes you, they won't be put off by a few minor physical imperfections!

Though I have to say, would it be so bad if you didn't meet anyone? You have a 'partner' now, and he's making you miserable! I dare say you will feel much happier when you are single again. Just focus on yourself for a good while, don't panic and risk a rebound disaster. After leaving a very controlling relationship I made the conscious decision to stay single and raise my son alone though it was hard to be on my own at first. Several years on, it would take a very special man for me to consider changing the life I have now!

[StarShank]

I can't argue with the fact that you all have excellent points.
Half the time I think, move on, get a flat, you will be fine, I think of all the freedoms and things I could do. Half the time I think "your mad woman, you don't want to live without him he is your world you should stick at it, it might be happy ever after" and then the rest of the time (which is somehow more than 2 halves :/) I'm thinking about all the things in between.

Idk. Idk times a million. But I am thinking.

In terms of self harm scars they are only 5 months old and on my vajay :( (I was really unwell in hospital, worked really fucking hard to get better, nearly back to normal now). See you only have my side of the story. I "went crazy" and that is the main reason for his recent appalling behaviour.

Going to talk about all this on Wednesday in therapy.

I'll go to the CAB soon.

[Pandora37]

It sounds to me as though you drag each other down and are really unsuited to each other. I'm sure your relationship was once full of love and happiness but it sounds so destructive - sometimes two people can love each other but that doesn't mean that they're good for each other.

I have recently ended a relationship and he made all sorts of threats (not against me) including suicide. I was terrified and I ended up going back to him because I love him and I don't want him to die. But I realised that this isn't an equal relationship any more, he essentially held all the power by being manipulative. I felt trapped and like I had no options and that destroyed what was left of our relationship. I ended things again as I couldn't take it any more and he's made all the same threats again. But I refuse to be bullied into staying and being held to ransom. It was making me miserable and ill. My ex has a lot of issues and refused to help himself. I tried to help him but it's a decision he has to make on his own. Apparently his life is now "destroyed" as I was his last ray of hope and the only thing good about his life, all he's done is suffer etc. etc. I'm genuinely sorry that he's mentally suffering so much but I am so angry that he's heaping all of this responsibility on to me. I think he does it because he knows the kind of person I am and that I'll feel guilty even though I've done nothing wrong. Apparently, through leaving him I can't love him enough and don't know what love is. Right, so loving someone means that you threaten to kill yourself if they leave you? That's not love, it's pure selfishness.

Sadly, I've learnt that you can't make people help themselves if they don't want to be helped. This is something your husband has to go through alone. You leaving may be the kick up the backside he needs to sort himself out. Or he may get worse. Either way, I don't see things improving if you stay with him. Why would he bother, when he knows he can guilt trip you into staying and you'll put up with his bad behaviour as long as he's making suicide threats? That is a horrid situation to be in and in my opinion being alone, however hard and lonely it may be at times, has got to be better than that.

I've realised that whilst I will miss my ex a great deal, and I'll probably miss him for the rest of my life, what I'm grieving for most of all is for the future that I thought we were going to have and for a future that was never going to exist. I think you're doing the same. It's an awful thing to realise that what you thought was going to happen isn't going to and it's taken me a long time to come to terms with it myself. It's very upsetting and I think a part of me will mourn over it forever but that doesn't mean that I can't build a happy life for myself, either on my own or possibly some day with someone else.

I think deep down you know that this relationship can't continue. Give yourself time to make plans and envision a different future. It must be very hard when you've been with someone a long time and they've been such a huge part of your life but you are so young and you can start over. I think you should focus on the therapy for yourself now and finding healing for you. I'm so sorry that you're going through this but I believe that you can get through it, survive on your own and be happy again.

[Gen35]

I agree with pandora you did disclose that you'd also had issues, I don't see how it adds up to you staying because as you seem to imply, it's all you deserve. Quite the opposite, it shows how well your recovery is going that you're trying to move on from this deeply dysfunctional relationship. Him telling you that it's your fault he's so bad because of your actions is yet more manipulation and an attempt to keep you weak. I hope you come to see that.

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

See you only have my side of the story. I "went crazy" and that is the main reason for his recent appalling behaviour.

He is an adult and he chooses how to react to any situation. My exSIL had poorly controlled bipolar which meant that she was sectioned on quite a few occassions and spent months as an inpatient. At no point in the decade that they were married did my DB take an overdose, nor did he develop a drug or alcohol problem nor did he blame her for any issues in his life.

Your DH already has a drug and alcohol problem and he will use any excuse to indulge it.

[AbbieHoffmansAfro]

See you only have my side of the story. I "went crazy" and that is the main reason for his recent appalling behaviour.

It might help you to just let go of all ideas of fault and blame. Don't blame him, or yourself. Don't drive yourself to distraction thinking about who is at fault for what or what caused what. In the end, it doesn't really matter, it really doesn't.

Just think about whether where you are is where you want to be, and if not, how you can change that.

[MistressDeeCee]

Very insightful Pandora37

[StarShank]

Thank you everyone. I'll reply individually a bit later.

We just discussed divorce and spoke about is this marriage going to work, etc. Threw me into a blind panic, absolute panic. Had to walk away. Can't stop crying. The thought of him not being here makes me feel lost utterly lost and alone.

I'm screwed :( and weak. This is so hard. How do people do it. People do it all the time. How. How do they carry on with their jobs and bring up their kids while doing this. I've been through an much worse, I am strong but life without him seems utterly pointless

[StarShank]

And I'm thinking : it is only panic, panic cannot hurt or kill you, this is not going to be easy... What so I expect? No suffering or emotional reaction from a divorce.

It just felt so utterly wrong when we seriously spoke about it /thought about it. So hard not to react to that.

I'm just going to keep rambling and talking here. I really appreciate everyone's comments. Not one person has said stay and work it out. That's got to count for something.

[BackInTheGame]

I am so sorry that you are going through such a painful and difficult time.

I went through a horrendous break up a few years ago and although it wasn't the same situation as yours, it really did feel like my world was ending and that I could never be happy without him. Your phrase 'life without him seems utterly pointless' really struck a chord with me, as that is exactly how I felt.

After the break up I was a real mess and I missed him a lot for about 2 years, even through a rebound relationship. Gradually though, I started to think about him less and less and started to get genuinely interested in new men I was meeting. I am very pleased to say that I am now SO SO HAPPY and in such a great place, having moved on with my life and now in a healthy and happy relationship with a WONDERFUL man with no stresses or issues or manipulation :-)

It is so hard to believe it is possible when you are in the middle of a relationship break down and you still love that person so much. But honestly, time passes and you get through it and eventually you come out the other side and suddenly realise 'I don't feel sad anymore!' And it is such a revelation, and then you realise that you actually feel happy, you don't miss that person any longer and you are enjoying having a stress-free life!

It is of course very hard at the time but it is clear from your posts that you really do have the strength to do this and believe me it is SO SO SO SO worth it in the end. When I read OPs like yours I thank my lucky stars that I am no longer in a situation like that and am so grateful that I managed to claw my way out of there.

You CAN do it too!! :-)

[Gen35]

Just like with any breakup, you have to accept that the dream of a happy family with a stable version of him is off the table. What you actually have is a dh who is in no fit state to have kids, has massive issues that if your relationship could have helped, would have helped a long while ago. Remember your real future with him and not your imagined/dream one.

[JapaneseMargaret]

You're in your 20s and you don't have any kids. You have your whole life ahead of you.

Or not, depending on the choice you make.

You say you won't have children with this man. Thank God for that. But what a sacrifice to make, for somone who doesn't deserve it. And anther nail in the coffin that is this relationship.

I left my ex-husband when I was 29. For no other reason than I'd fallen out of love with him. I didn't have anywhere near the litany of reasons to leave my husband, that you do. He was a lovely, kind sweetheart of a man, who'd never hurt me; physically or emotionally.

But I wanted a happy-ever-after, and I knew 29 was way too early to condemn myself to an unsatisfactory life.

DH and I got together 5 days after my 30th birthday. Moved in a year later, engaged another year later, married, DC1 arrived, and then DC2. :)

I would never have had the chance for my happy-ever-after, if I'd stayed.

You will look back on today in five years' time. What will your vantage point be? What would you like it to be...?

Good luck.

[StarShank]

What you say gives me strength and then I just fallen apart. Today is one of my worst days in the last hellish month.

I'm just constantly on the edge of panic. Just walked upstairs (after sitting with him and wanting to be near him all day but just crying and him not bothering to comfort me, or even try) saying "I can't cope I can't do this anymore".

I feel like I'm losing my fucking mind.

This sounds so dramatic but I'm thinking please someone just kill me. I can't do this.

I can't live without him I can't live with him. I'm fucked.

[BertieBotts]

No, you're not fucked. Yes, if both of those statements were true you would be, but one of them is not. You just need time to convince your brain that is the case.

Take it easy on yourself - I don't think people do tend to keep much of a handle on their jobs, kids etc when they divorce usually. It's not exactly a smooth ride.

You're going to be fine, really and truly. Nobody is going to kill you because you are going to keep going and get through this and one day it will all be nothing but a painful memory.

[springydaffs]

You do it one tiny step at a time - how do you eat an elephant: one bite at a time. You've heard that one, I'm sure.

You're already taking steps. Gradually, they build, it took me two years to leave my abusive ex - and many years of hell and agony before that, but I got there, eventually. I enlisted all the help I could: therapy, support groups, CODA (which was a biggie: put things into perspective big time). Gradually the scales tipped in the right direction.

So go easy. It's not so long ago that you were very poorly indeed, give yourself some space. The time WILL come when you no longer accept being ignored when you are in emotional agony, the alternative is genuinely the better, and heartfelt, option. You're not there yet, but you will get there in your own time.

Leaving my abusive ex was one thing that I found extremely difficult, but there have been other situations I have struggled to leave behind. Ime the run-up was by far the worst bit - when the time came, when i had faced my immense fear and demons - which took time -it was easy, like plopping over a low wall. You won't see that now but this has been my (repeated) experience.

For niw, take each day/hour/minute at a time. You don't have to hold on to the end result for fear you'll lose track: you will naturally get where you're headed without pushing it all up a cliff. Xx

[Pandora37]

StarShank, you can live without him. I promise you can. He didn't even bother to comfort you when you were crying. Why would you want to stay with someone like that? He'll carry on eroding your self esteem. I have a lot of empathy for addicts and believe it should be treated as an illness but it's a selfish illness. He doesn't care about the pain he's causing you as he's too caught up in his own problems.

Have you ever had any marriage counselling? Has he ever genuinely sought help without you asking him to? I'm just wondering if has ever actually acknowledged what this is doing to you and at least tried to rectify things. I reckon he's aware that he's worn you down enough that you believe you can't leave him. Being on your own will be very scary for a while, there's no getting around that but it could be one of the most liberating things you've ever done. You're not a bad wife for leaving him, it sounds to me like you've been more patient and loving than most would be in this situation. You need to love yourself enough to realise that no good will come out of continuing in this marriage. You don't deserve to be verbally abused or lied to or made to walk on eggshells all the time. At least on your own you will be free to build a life for yourself that is genuinely happy and full of love.

I understand how tough it is. I'm terrified of what my ex is going to do, if anything. My own mother doesn't agree with me leaving him, going on about how he must feel so abandoned and she hopes he will find "somebody nice who will support him." Just because I have enough respect for myself to acknowledge that it was making ME ill and ruining my life. If she thinks I'm weak or a bad girlfriend as I'm sure she does then so be it. I know that I've made the right decision for myself. It's very hard not to feel guilty I know but ultimately you are not responsible for his actions. You ARE strong enough to do this.