To honestly think I'm too weak to LTB?

[StarShank]

Back story: been together 8 years, married for 4 years. No kids. DH has always coped with his emotions using some kind of drugs or alcohol - I've not exactly been a saint in that area but I've not done drugs for nearly 2 years and have not drank for 6 months (not because it was wreaking my life or anything just thought it was time to grow up and I don't find it pleasant anymore).
Anyway DH has always been verbally abusive when drunk or doing certain drugs. Recently he has slid into a deep depression and a dark place. Spending all day alone in our room, shouting at me, saying horrible things, using drugs and alcohol to dangerous amounts and constantly lying about it. Took about 4 mini overdoses over a month, lied about it, eventually the fourth one ended him up in hospital. He is home now but the experience has turned me into a paranoid, anxious, angry wreak. It's not the first time he has done things like this either. It tends to happen every few years.


I don't know if I can live like this anymore. I don't see him changing. Or if I do it is only for a time before he slips back. Am I a horrible shitty wife for thinking of abandoning him when he is in such a bad place?

Even if I did decide the verbal abuse and drug and alcohol use were good enough reasons to leave I think I'm too weak... I'm not well myself, I don't know how people live alone! I actually don't. I'd be so lonely. I would be in financial ruin....but when I look at him atm all I can think about is how much he hurt me :(

Maybe I should give it a month.

People get divorced all the time and they survive? Right?

[StarShank]

True Howard. So true. Thank you.

[HolgerDanske]

I'm sure that were you to find a decent, kind and loving man he would not give a single thought to your scars. But consider this: You might not want a man for a while. Or ever. No one says you have to be with someone in order to have a happy, contented life. You might decide that actually you're very happy on your own for a while.

But no one ever wanting you because of your scars? Nah.

[Aibuaddict]

30 is so young. At your age my husband was a drug addict bankrupt. We had not met. He turned 40 last year and we have been together 7 years, married for 3, live somewhere lovely with a rental property each and have the most lovely baby daughter. (Cue accusations of stealth boasting but fuck it, I'm happy).

Leave him now. He is in charge of his future and you are in charge of yours. You can do this.

[StarShank]

I would not want to jump into another relationship soon that is for sure. Rebound is rarely wise.

I really love him though. We met at 17. He's so unique and clever and funny. Ugh. This is so hard.

[StarShank]

So he sorted himself out and your happy aibuaddict! This is what I want. This is the fuck off massive risk - I leave and I risk leaving behind a shit load of potential amazingness.

[Morloth]

Pushing 30?!

You are really intending to throw away your entire life because you don't want to be alone?

That is totally your choice of course a bloody stupid one IMO but there you go.

Just by all that is holy don't have any kids with him. That would be very very selfish.

What a waste.

[BertieBotts]

Oh lovely, it is so hard. I know.

This is going to sound so random but I did a first aid course today, which is a requirement for learning to drive in Germany and although I didn't understand most of what was said they kept repeating a phrase at points throughout the session. "Erste, Selbst schutz." I was quite pleased that I worked out what it meant so it stuck with me. It means "First, self protect." Friend translated for me and it's actually a law here that if you can help, you must but the first rule is that if it puts you in danger of harm you should not attempt to.

It just stuck out for me because it's something that I have believed for a few years now but I didn't always believe it. And while it can feel so very important and intense to support someone through something like this, the truth is you can't keep on doing it forever. You have to keep your own cup full in order to fill others'. Have you ever thought of it like that? You're giving him so much - everything - so much that it's draining you away and yet it's not enough. You can't fix him and you can't make him better. He is out of your control, and you need to accept that one before you will ever be able to let him go.

They quite often say, rightly, that a spouse or family member is not able to help somebody through something like this. That might sound counterintuitive because they need the unconditional love that somebody that close can offer, but it's true because love and support are not the same thing. Support is what is needed, love in this situation is draining you faster than it is sustaining him. He needs somebody who can shut off at the end of the day and recharge for the next day. When you live together, you can't do that. You have to deal with it all of the time. You are disappearing under that strain.

And honestly, really truly, your DH is not the only man who would ever accept you scars and all. Lots of men would. Don't place him on a pedestal for this, it's really not that much to ask of somebody. This is totally aside from the fact that you are NOT - really, and truly, not - going to define yourself by the love and acceptance of a man, you won't need to; you can define yourself by your love and acceptance of yourself instead. You can't do that while you're giving out so much of your emotional energy - you need that for you! And you'll find once you have enough for yourself you will have an abundance to give again, just as you once did before. Only this time you will be able to do it smartly, looking out for yourself as well as others, and you won't allow anybody to drain you so badly again.

[BertieBotts]

Star, he can't sort himself out with you. He can only sort himself out alone. He needs the kind of support that you cannot offer because you are far, far too close and too invested.

If nothing else (and this is only if there are no DC involved) - could you move out and support him from further away, so you have space to recharge and to work on yourself and to pursue your own dreams without being so tied to him? Would he go to rehab? But you would have to be prepared it would be a long hard slog. Recovery takes years, and you can't chance it and rush back into the relationship because he is improving. He needs to be better, not improving, not sober for X amount of months, but years. This is going to take you past your fertile years, most likely, and it might be for nothing. He might die even with your support. He might not get better, he might get worse. He might never achieve that potential that you are so, so hopeful for. You have to acknowledge that this is a higher possibility than him turning his life around. He has already gone so far.

Leaving would give you a clean break away from the drama and the hurt. You would have a good chance of happiness, a chance to meet somebody else before time ticks on too fast. He.... is going to become what he becomes whether you are there or not, most likely, because poetic as it would be, love is not stronger than the disease of addiction. Yes he could turn his life around by 40, but he could also be dead by 40. It's a horrible, awful, wrench of a choice to make but you essentially have a choice whether to grieve now for a relationship you never had and have it be over, or take the high chance that you will continue to grieve as you are now for the man you once knew, slowly and painfully over a long period of time until you have to grieve for real.

I am so so sorry that you have to make this choice.

[BertieBotts]

And you are wrong about one thing, you are not weak. I am in awe of your strength. You are so, so, so strong. And part of that strength (which is shining through in your posts) is about knowing when it's time to let go.

[bunchoffives]

Brilliant posts Bertie. Hope the OP takes them in.

[Gen35]

The scars thing is just low self esteem talking. Everyone has scars, I doubt most blokes would even realise what they were. You could call the people working with him, explain what he's saying to you re killing himself, make it clear he's making these threats and leave the ball in their court, explaining that you need to leave him to move on with your life and part of that is leaving him. I hope you do for your sake. I agree, if he loved you that much and it was all he needed, he'd have sorted himself out by now.

[springydaffs]

You can be addicted to an addict, you know. Have a look at CODA (can't link). Plenty of people there, just like you (and me).

Glad to hear you have a therapist. I think it's simplistic to make out this is a relatively easy step to take re 'you'll blossom!'. It is NOT an easy step, and will take some serious resolve. You have significant steps to face, let's not make out you don't.

BUT, ultimately, you can't make him happy or keep him alive. Addiction gobbles up everything in its wake, and at the moment that includes you, your life, your peace of mind, your future. That's too much. You know that in your gut: you've had enough.

Obviously, I hope, with you, that he doesn't die. But if he does, that's the addiction talking. His addiction isn't him, and he can face his addiction, theret's plenty of stuff about these days. He can easily get into a recovery group, 12 step, where he'llmeetplenty of people like him - JUST like him. It's his choice.

You don't have to do this all in one go, and you don't have to think about it all in one go. Step at a time, lovely. You've already turned a huge corner - you've had enough. That's a good sign, that's health talking.

[CarryOn90]

You've already made your decision. And "but money will be tight" and "I can't live alone" are ridiculous reasons to stay with someone horrible and waste your life. But you know this.

[StarShank]

CODA : I've got contact details of a group near me. I'm going to go next week when I'm over the flu.

Thank you everyone. You are helping. I know at the moment I enjoy the time he is away from me more than I enjoy his company.

About saving up for moving out - what is the point if he will get half of it if we divorce? Divorce is difficult to understand :/ I've researched but it is complex. Also, therapy is so bloody expensive. But if I really want to move on I could. I'm just saying there are real practical implications.

[gamerchick]

Because an escape fund means you'll be using it to escape so it won't be around for any divorce.

Don't think about divorce for the minute.. splitting up is hard enough.

[FantasticButtocks]

Just asked him what he would do if we got divorced - he said, your the only thing keeping me in this world I would drink myself to death asap :/

1. He is already drinking himself to death asap while he is still married to you.
   

1. This is unfair. It is emotional blackmail. He is saying I will continue self medicating, making our lives a misery, making your life a misery and there's nothing you can do about it, because if you leave me I will die and it will be ALL YOUR FAULT.
   

It sounds as though it wouldn't enter his head to answer the question by saying that if you got divorced he would do everything in his power to get back together with you, including going to rehab and cleaning up his act. He sounds thoroughly self-absorbed. You say he has always 'coped' with his emotions with drink/drugs. That is not coping.

Does he think that saying you are the only thing keeping him in this world is some kind of compliment? Do you? I wouldn't want that responsibility.

[StarShank]

Oh OK you spend it so they can't get to it, like buy a fridge and washing machine and stuff. OK.

Yeah I really don't want that responsibility for his life (that I don't actually have, I'm not responsible for his behaviour). I'll never forget 5 weeks after we split up before (due to him being a twunt) he called me at 7:30am and told me he had taken a massive od with alcohol 2 days ago and could I take him to the hospital. I went apeshit and told him to call an ambulance.... He didn't. I spent the next few months in hell. I wish I could not have cared but I was terrified all the time. I didn't want him to die.

I'm rambling.

[tittifilarious]

On a practical level, if he has had 4 overdoses in a month, he's going to lose his job sooner rather than later so you'll be down to one income anyway only then you'll be paying for his drugs & alcohol.

You're going to be 30 & childless anyway as surely you wouldn't bring a child into this? I'd sooner be 30 & childless on my own than live like this.

[StarShank]

I would not bring a child into this.

[DogsinBoots]

I was in your situation. I stayed because I loved nice S. And felt it would be wrong to abandon someone I loved and loved me while they were so low.
I have since left because the relationship became physically abusive when nasty S became the norm, rather than the exception. He is still doing all he can to destroy my life. The courts are involved and the local police stop me to say hello he has been arrested so often.
If he isn't aware he needs help and actively seeking help then I would say leave.
It won't be easy but you are worth so much more. I wish someone had said that to me. I am an emotional wreck atm, being made insolvent and tbh struggling while I wait for counselling to deal with the traumatic way the relationship ended.
I wish you well. You are strong because you have moved on from the place he is still in haven't you.
You really can do this. And nothing is more lonely than being in a relationship where you don't feel loved imo.

[CuppaSarah]

You know deep down this can never be permanent. Right now he pretty much owns your life, controlling you through fear, whether it's intentional on his part or not. You are responsible for you, he is responsible for him.

He may be funny and unique and kind, he may have loads of great qualities. But the problem is these good qualities don't outweigh the bad ones. And those bad qualities are really, really bad.

For now take things in small steps, you're going to book an appointment at the CAB or if you can afford with a solicitor and see what happens with the mortgage when you separate. You're also going to set yourself a goal, one big thing that is totally for yourself and something you've always wanted. Could be to see a country for yourself, to join a club or try a new sport. Or even something like try a totally new hairstyle. Then when everything gets too much to bare, you start planning your big treat instead for a bit and give yourself a break from the scary stuff.

[StarShank]

Thanks so much guys.

Small steps is such a good idea - my brain is just not working atm! So obvious but did not occur to me.

We just had a long chat. Needless to say it didn't go well for him. He spent most of it trying to point out reasons for his behaviour - we know them, we have discussed them. He said he doesn't understand why everything is all his fault and ended on 'I don't know what to do to fix this other than not drink'. He has an iq in the 120s.

No sense of him taking responsibility or trying to move forward. Just more moaning and subtle complaining and shifting of blame.

Through out the whole convo I just thought - go on say something unforgivable so I can kick you out and stop being in limbo (I know I can chose not to be in limbo at any time).

[CuppaSarah]

Good job talking to him! I totally get what you say about wanting him to do something unforgivable. If you choose to leave and things go wrong it's all your own fault. But if he does something and enough to force your hand, you have no choice and any consequences are his fault.

Logically I'm sure you know either way there will be times when things go wrong if you leave. But it doesn't exactly sound like things are going all that well as they are. Would you rather stay with the problems you have now? Or choose to leave and have brand new problems that are yours and yours alone? You sound like such a strong, sensible women and you obviously have a lot of common sense. I can't see you having any more trouble on your own than most people do. Wouldn't it be refreshing to wake up everyday and only need to worry about you? You deserve that, you really truly do.

[FantasticButtocks]

I don't know what to do to fix this other than not drink

Well that would be a start. Sounds like he wouldn't entertain the idea though

[MistressDeeCee]

This is frightening.

Time is not infinite - does the thought of wasting time on 1 man just because you fear being alone or not meeting another man, not scare you? Are you looking down the years bluntly and honestly as to what a wreck your life will be if you remain with this man? You won't die for lack of him!

I am not trying to be harsh here..just that I read your OP and the thread right through - and Im struggling to see why, when you are clearly the strong and thoughtful one in the relationship, you want to carry this man like a stone on your back. Its so not worth blighting your life for a man. The long talks with him...what is the point? No woman can teach a grown man to suck eggs, a man knows who and what he is supposed to be to make life and love right. When he makes excuses and doesn't do it, its simply because he doesn't want to, nor does he respect you enough to care about the unhappy feelings he has created in you.

It would be a complete waste of life and a road to despair, looking back down the years in time to come "why didnt I leave him when I had the chance?".but staying with him is of course up to you. You may have to accept him and the life you will have with him, though. No amount of musing and pondering and should I shouldn't I will change a person who is already grown up and doesn't want to change.

Hopefully you will see this man as the liability he is, and leave him so you can have a new life and a clear mind. It may be hard at first but you will be glad you did. Good luck