to think that at 16 your parents still do or should have a say in your life?

[extremepie]

I know that at the age of 16 you are legally allowed to have sex and theoretically become parents so I wouldnt neessarily say that a 16yr old is a child but I dont think they are an adult either.

This is inspired by a thread about letting a 16yr old dye their hair but there are many times this has come up on MN and I cant help thinking that actually at 16 most of us are not emotionally mature enough to make 100% of our own decisions independantly and without parental advice/supervision. Ok, they are too big for parents to really stop them doing anything but if nothing else isnt it a standard respect thing for the people who own the house you live in to have a say in where you go, what time you come back etc?

Its just that I have heard a lot of 'well they're 16 now, nothing you can do, they are grown up' etc and actually I dont think that's right. Most of us are still quite immature at that age and sometimes do need a bit of intervention to stop them making stupid decisions.

I know that at 16 my parents didnt exactly give me a curfew but I would do them the courtesy of letting them know roughly when to expect me back. Same as, they didn't forbid me to dye my hair but I knew my mum would be very upset if I did so I took her opinion into account and didnt dye my hair until I moved out.

So, AIBU to think that giving 16yr olds shouldnt be given a completely free rein to do whatever they want, especially if they still live at home?

But 16yr olds can't leave education until they are 18 now so they are living under parents roofs (I accept that there are exceptions to this) and many don't work at all. Therefore if in paying for your lifestyle then I have some say in it.

Ds1 is 17 and isn't working. He is at college and has not made any effort to find a new part time job. He receives pocket money based on chores done at home the same as his 12yr old brother.

We aren't strict about weekends and as long as he lets us know where he is and what time he'll be home we're ok with him being out. What he spends his pocket money on is his business to. But don't come asking for more money Monday when you've spent it all Friday and Saturday. If he had any wages I would be advising him to save some but I couldn't make him.

The same will go for the other dc as long as they aren't working and I am
Funding them there will be rules to follow.

You can't compare being a 16yr old today who legally has to remain in education with a 16 yr old of 5/10/15/20 years ago.

I think you still have a responsibility as a parent when they're 16.

MIL couldn't give a toss about DH when he was 16. Consequently he quit various college courses (MIL - Well, it's your life etc) and basically behaved like an irresponsible 16 yr old.

He is fairly annoyed now as an adult that she didn't parent him better!

My Mum controlled me with gentle piss taking along the lines of "I don't know what those girls think they look like with make-up/clothes that aren't from C&A/having a social life" with the constant implication that caring about what you looked like was twatty and shallow, as was listening to music and valuing friendships and liking things because they were in the fashion. She both dyed and permed her hair at the time. As a consequence I didn't feel comfortable in my own skin until I was pushing 40 so I will allow my kids to do whatever they like with their hair and not sneer at them. Allowing them to drop out of school etc is a different matter though.

"You can't compare being a 16yr old today who legally has to remain in education with a 16 yr old of 5/10/15/20 years ago."

This is what I was going to say. Times are changing.

I think it is a real shame that times are changing. My 18yo just escaped the having to be in education or training until 18. School really did not suit her and (in her industry) apprenticeships are generally just a way of getting cheap labour. She (in effect) left school before she was 16 and has a rewarding job which she loves.

Being an old gimmer, I've been through those years and out the other side.

When my dcs were 16, we negotiated the rules of engagement because actually, your parental responsibilities haven't disappeared. I'm a great believer in picking the right battles and also, from experience (and reaction to) my DM's rather draconian restrictions on freedom and appearance when I was 16, the laying down of unrealistic laws always seemed to me to encourage deceit rather than compliance.

So my dcs (both boys) could wear what they liked and do what they liked with their hair with the only limitations being to remember what the school rules were on appearance. Their school banning extreme hair colours for example.

We had an agreed code of expectations about their social life. So while I expected weekday nights to be spent mainly at home or doing organised sporting activities and homework and certainly not hanging aimlessly around the streets, I countered this with much greater freedom at the weekend when I didn't impose a strict curfew or grill them on exactly what they had done. That said, I expect to know where they were going and with whom - it was enough to say "We're hanging out at Tom's place" or "Going to football and then on into town" but if they planned to stay out overnight I expected a phone call to say where they were and at 16 I didn't expect to discover they'd been arrested at a free party somewhere on the Downs. Instead, staying out overnight was expected to be at a friend's house with a parent on the premises.

I have no doubt that I received highly selective accounts of some of what they got up to but on the whole I had no reason to question their honesty. Mainly, I think, because I didn't ever pry into every corner of their lives.

I was not, incidentally, at all liberal when it came to education. Attendance at school or college was obligatory.

But 16yr olds can't leave education until they are 18 now

Yes they can. In England they have to be in training, education or work. In Scotland, N.Ireland and Wales they can leave at 16

www.gov.uk/know-when-you-can-leave-school

A 16yo can legally leave home without your consent and unless they happen to get found in a crack house being abused (well sometimes even if they are) then nobody official will bring them back to you.

I think at 16 it needs to be a fine balance.

I think a 16 year old should be able to choose their next step after GCSE's and dye their hair.

I do however think they should show the respect of letting you know an approx. time they will be home, let you know where they are going, etc.

DD is 16 - she moves out in 11 days

I am terrified and proud of her; she has followed her heart& has worked tremendously hard this last few years

I will still be at the end of the phone, on Skype,on her doorstep and here at home for her whenever she needs me; I hope I have given her the skills to cope and the knowledge to know when she can't cope and the strength of character to ask for help then

But who knows!

I'm not sure about this. At 16 I went to uni a couple of hundred miles away from home. It would never have crossed my mind to ask my parents permission for anything, even though they were paying my rent. I told my mum about things like going on the pill, switching uni course, booking a weekend away to London, etc, as an after thought.

But to be honest, I didn't do anything she would have disapproved of anyway. I was pretty sensible, so she never really said no to me, even from a younger age, so by the time I was 16, it didn't occur to me to even ask.

Also, I knew both my parents where working full time at that age, so I viewed it as fully adult.

I would like to think that I will raise my own children to be similarly independent, but I know things have changed a lot in 15 years.

It is difficult, as that is an age where we make some major decisions about the direction our lives will take. Kids need to be capable of doing so and will live with the consequences. So to say that they can decide whether to go to uni or into work, but not how to style their own hair seems ridiculous.

No it's not the case that 16 year olds can be education, training or work . They cannot be just work. They can however combine part time work with education and training.

Yes you still have a responsibility to the 16 year old and keeping them safe. You can advise on their choices but I don't think you should control.
Telling a 16 year old they can't dye their hair is ridiculous. It is their body not yours! They can do what they like.

oonToBeSix

No it's not the case that 16 year olds can be education, training or work . They cannot be just work. They can however combine part time work with education and training.

No that is not true in N.Ireland , Waled oor Scotland. A 16 year old can leave school.

I find it 'unbelievable' that parents are moaning that kids have to be in some sort of education until 18. For gods sake they are going to have to work full time until they are '75' . The other thing that unless they are ' very lucky' or a brilliant 'entrepreneur' without high quality academic qualifications they will be 'stocking' supermarkets or waiting on for £6 per hour as I have found out at 40 . I am lucky in not having to do these jobs to survive.

The days when someone could just turn up with limited qualifications work very hard and end up as the Boss/Owner are long gone. My brother was lucky going up North @ 20 with just 2 CSE grade 2s in English/ Maths and the 'Boss' taking a shine to him and ending up owning a bigger company in the same field. Sorry to say but that ain't going to happen now unless you have significant qualifications you will not even get an interview.

I expect to get some 'stick' now for what I have said...

School leaving ages

England
In England, your leaving age depends on when you were born. You can leave school on the last Friday in June as long as you’ll be 16 by the end of that year’s summer holidays.

You must stay in some form of education or training until your 18th birthday if you were born on or after 1 September 1997.

Your options are:

full-time education - eg at a school or college
an apprenticeship or traineeship
part-time education or training - as well as being employed, self-employed or volunteering for 20 hours or more a week

Scotland
In Scotland, if you turn 16 between 1 March and 30 September you can leave school after 31 May of that year.

If you turn 16 between 1 October and the end of February you can leave at the start of the Christmas holidays in that school year.

Wales
In Wales, you can leave school on the last Friday in June, as long as you’ll be 16 by the end of that school year’s summer holidays.

Northern Ireland
In Northern Ireland, if you turn 16 during the school year (between 1 September and 1 July) you can leave school after 30 June.

If you turn 16 between 2 July and 31 August you can’t leave school until 30 June the following year.

A 16 year old in Scotland can work full time and apply for a full 10 year passport without needing parental consent.

tiggy that does not apply to the whole of the UK.. A 16 year old outwith England can make those decisions.

Apart from smoking !

Yes unfortunately only on England, hopefully it will at to the rest of the uk soon. All young people deserve an education until the age of 18. Sadly some young people are not mature enough to realise that it is for their benefit.

my parents were weirdly strict about some things (like smokepole once showed up to a (totally tame) 16th party at a rugby club that I'd gone to without telling them to drag me out - luckily I'd already left (16 years on my friends still mock me about it)) and wouldn't even allow boyfriends in the house, let alone to stay over. It didn't stop me going to parties/getting drunk/hooking up with boys etc.

But then on other things I was left to my own devices - I wasn't helicoptered at all, had a part-time job from 13 on evenings and weekend, chose my own uni courses and paid my own fees, moved out after finishing school under my own steam, bought my own car at 17.

It is what it is but I think their priorities were totally wrong - a bit more latitude in the normal teenage activities and a bit more help and guidance in the big stuff would probably have been a better way to run it. It all worked out fine but I don't think they made good parenting choices.

At the age of 16 I'd spent 2 years already moved out of my parental home, I had a full time job and was paying rent, feeding myself, transporting and clothing myself.

However, I'm now 27 with 3 children of my own and not a day goes by where I proudly happily do anything to have some advice from my mum.

People are very different I guess. I don't regret leaving hone and living life my own way but I certainly understand it's not suitable for everyone.