to think that at 16 your parents still do or should have a say in your life?

[extremepie]

I know that at the age of 16 you are legally allowed to have sex and theoretically become parents so I wouldnt neessarily say that a 16yr old is a child but I dont think they are an adult either.

This is inspired by a thread about letting a 16yr old dye their hair but there are many times this has come up on MN and I cant help thinking that actually at 16 most of us are not emotionally mature enough to make 100% of our own decisions independantly and without parental advice/supervision. Ok, they are too big for parents to really stop them doing anything but if nothing else isnt it a standard respect thing for the people who own the house you live in to have a say in where you go, what time you come back etc?

Its just that I have heard a lot of 'well they're 16 now, nothing you can do, they are grown up' etc and actually I dont think that's right. Most of us are still quite immature at that age and sometimes do need a bit of intervention to stop them making stupid decisions.

I know that at 16 my parents didnt exactly give me a curfew but I would do them the courtesy of letting them know roughly when to expect me back. Same as, they didn't forbid me to dye my hair but I knew my mum would be very upset if I did so I took her opinion into account and didnt dye my hair until I moved out.

So, AIBU to think that giving 16yr olds shouldnt be given a completely free rein to do whatever they want, especially if they still live at home?

Our DD left home at 18 and had to return when she was 19. My STBX allowed her back but insisted on Rules Of The House, like being home by 10.00pm, keeping her room clean and tidy. She was treated like a child when she was not. I think each 16-year-old is different from others so there cannot be a general rule about them.

Each should be treated individually. One 16-year-old might act like a 123-year-old and another might act like a 25-year-old......

I agree with you, but with the idealism that comes with having children nowhere near 16 yet! I expect to have an influence on my children's lives as long as I'm expected to fund their lives. When they can afford to pay their own way in the world, then they can do what they want.

Yanbu, but plenty will say you should have no input at all into the lives of your young adult/semi adult children at all, even if at the same time we are expected to financially support them either in education, tertiary education or if they are out of work up to a certain age.

It's a cultural thing I think. Not sure how it is in the rest of Europe, I come from a different continent. In my country at 16 you are still considered a child and your parents are most certainly still in charge.

It's one of the big cultural clashes I am suffering with being at expat here! I don't know how I am going to deal with it when my own DCs are teenagers ( DH is English so no chance of leaving either).

I think it's a continuum. It starts with a small child needing parental support and permission for practically everything, and ending at 18, when it's a matter of simple courtesy to keep the people you are living with informed of your movements. My 18 year old doesn't ask, but she does tell.

Happy, see that situation is going a bit too far as she was clearly an adult who is capable of living on her own its just that circumstances meant she was living at home :)

Time, at 16 I still considered myself a child and my parents were also still in charge, I expected that I would live under their rules at long as I still lived at home, and that I was only able to live completely as I chose once I had moved out. I find the idea that once they reach 16 you stop being able to have a say really strange :/

Obviously, every teen is different and some are more defiant that others though :D

When I was 16 I told my dad I was leaving school to study equestrianism at the local college - aka all things horsey as I was obsessed

He told me I wasn't , I was doing a levels & then I'd go to uni

I did the latter

YANBU. They are still a child in the eyes of the law until 18. The fact they can have sex and therefore become a parent themselves before becoming an adult is wrong. The age of consent should be 18.

Some sixteen year olds can be head strong though and completely rebel.

Sorry that should have read that one could act like a 13-year-old.... not 123-year-old.

Keeping your room clean should be a rule of the house whatever the age, shouldn't it?

At 16, I was living the life of an adult - not because I was rebellious or trouble, but because my mother was a mentally ill alcoholic.

I worked full time, lived alone, attended school and paid my own way... and it was hell. Because of my mother's issues, I never had a childhood. Fortunately, thanks to an astute teacher, I got the support I needed and was able to work through the damage and "break the cycle" before I had children of my own.

My 16 year old is not treated like a child, nor is he given the latitude, freedoms or responsibilities of an adult. It is a work in progress. However, as long as he lives in our house, there will be house rules - that is just basic respect.

Yes, he is also the one dying his hair purple. With my permission - he asked.

Interestingly, the legislation on SEN coming into force next week demonstrates that the government thinks that children with SEN who are 16 and past school leaving age should be the only ones having a say in their education, health and care provision, provided that they have mental capacity. In law, only they will be able to ask for assessments, make decisions about which school or college they go to, whether to appeal against council decisions, etc etc. I suspect it'g going to cause an awful lot of difficulty in the years to come.

As the parent of two teens I think you have to pick your battles.

Curfews for 16 year olds, asking them to obey house rules, all fine as they affect other people.

Kicking up drama when a 16 year old puts a dye on their hair, which is temporary and allowed at their school, and really affects nobody else, is just not worth it in my opinion/experience.

I know 16 year olds who are very mature, and 40 year olds who aren't. Allowing them to make their own decisions and mistakes is difficult but is part of good parenting.

I left home at 16 and lived with my boyfriend. I got a job and paid a mortgage. I can't even imagine a world where my parents decided what colour my hair should be at 16. I had been dying my hair since I was 12.

Personally I think you pick your fights. I hate dyed hair but allowed my sixteen-year-old to use those dyes that fade with every hair wash, but she was definitely not allowed to bleach her hair.

A curfew of ten o'clock on the weekends is madness and extremely cruelty, but yes, IMHO, the parents still should be asked for permission, which should only be withheld for a good reason.

Hakluyt is totally right. It's not about power, it's about guidance, letting them take more and more responsability, while teaching them to avoid the dangers.

It's the point where parental control should ideally morph into a familial relationship of mutual respect and care

which is why it's generally a screamfest.

I think a lot of this is clouded by parents own experiences at 16.

I have quite a few younger siblings, and felt myself quite adult at 14. I was basically in charge of myself at 16. My DC are treated in a way that reflects my adult behaviour (and responsibilities) as a teenager.

As well, everyone is different. I know people who not emotionally mature in various aspects of their life in their twenties, thirties, forties and a couple who are even older. Then when I look at my eldest son, who has always been and old soul, I think he has basically been a complete adult since 16. I don't buy the argument about emotional maturity because I don't think it all falls into place at 18 or 21, it's more to do with personality, experiences and the people that surround someone.

Also, I agree with a pp, who said that it starts from childhood. Of course if a child is raised in a very supervised environment and coddled, then of course at 16 they will be completely useless and need parental assistance all the time.

So what I'm really trying to say is that by 16 and especially by 18 that I wouldn't be expected to be having to tell them what to do. Certainly not in regards to petty decisions about dying hair or what films they can watch, but I would expect to be informed and possibly involved regarding big decisions like their uni choice, or what A levels to take. I would also expect to be kept up to date with things like where they're going, when they're coming back, not to give permission but because by that age they know it's common courtesy for the people you live with and care about you.

They're not children, they're young people. This is an important distinction in SS/education/children and young people's services.

IMO it's about safety and legality. The young people in my care have to act in a legal way and are encouraged to act in a safe way by use of consequences when they don't.

Young people in my care still ask for my opinion about things - I say I'm not keen on facial piercings for example or weird hair or inch thick black eyeliner and I won't take them for them or pay for them but I won't stop them providing they act within the law.

My job is to increase their self esteem too, so haranguing them about inch thick liner when they're exquisitely beautiful without it isn't pointed out - instead I say nice scarf dear.

When it comes to 'safe' clothing it's a really difficult line to walk sometimes. At no point is it ok to give the message that they're inviting leering etc - instead I've got them to reflect on the crappy society in which we live and what sort of attention they might get dressed in certain things. It's not easy and you don't always make the right decisions but you want them to be safe and enjoy life.

And I looked like a right twat aged 16. The years of acid clothing and stonewash. Awful permed highlights and really mini skirts and bustiers

In general who gives a toss if you don't their outfit or piercing - it's not YOU and over identification with your child is not healthy.

And in my efforts to be all measured and considered, I've cross posted with everyone!

amyhamster Sat 30-Aug-14 14:39:28
When I was 16 I told my dad I was leaving school to study equestrianism at the local college - aka all things horsey as I was obsessed

He told me I wasn't , I was doing a levels & then I'd go to uni

I did the latter

Yes - much the same here

Mewling - you see, I can't imagine a life where your 12 year old does as she pleases and then leaves home at 16.

castlemilk

I think at 16 your role as a parent is more guidance than giving instructions, except in cases where a certain level of behaviour is expected from anyone , eg doing their fair share of household tasks, not being an arse, that sort of stuff. But the days of wear that, eat this, stand there, are long gone. Certainly things like dying hair are 100% their choice, but you have every right to demand they clear up any mess!

I think by 16, if you've got a reasonably good relationship with them, then it should be about discussion and consensus where possible. I think they can usually understand why you want to know where they are going and what time they might reasonably be expected to be back. Even now when DS is home from Uni we like to know that. At 16 we also tended to say things like - "If something unexpected was to happen and you were to be badly delayed, we'd be very embarrassed to have to say to the police that we had no idea where you were or what you were doing." And he seemed to think that was a reasonable point of view.

But we never tridd to lay down the law about things that were just a matter of taste - if he'd wanted to die his hair an odd colour, we'd have talked about the importance of doing a patch test, and how to schedule it at the start of the school holidays since his school only allowed 'natural' colours of hair (not necessarily your own, just natural for someone...)

Maybe we got lucky with DS, but I think it's something that developed gradually over the years - we let him have autonomy over most things, and saved our 'veto' for things where a bad decision would have serious long-term problems. Since we didn't do it often, he was more inclined to take us seriously when we did.

When I was 16 about half of my class left school, got jobs , several were married and had children of their own by the time they were 17. I find the idea that 16/17 are still children to be told what they can or can't do very odd.

I think the my house my rules attitude or you can do what you like when it's your own money attitude is ghastly; particularly if you are encouraging them to stay on in education.

I'm another one who listened to my parents for as long as I was living under their roof - but it wasn't a hardship because they were very easygoing. I started dyeing my hair and wearing make up at 12, didn't really have a curfew nor did I get told what to wear etc. I was working 12 hour shifts at 14 so I think they saw me as older than I really was.

if my parents had told me at 16 to not dye my hair, I'd have ignored them.