to think that at 16 your parents still do or should have a say in your life?

[extremepie]

I know that at the age of 16 you are legally allowed to have sex and theoretically become parents so I wouldnt neessarily say that a 16yr old is a child but I dont think they are an adult either.

This is inspired by a thread about letting a 16yr old dye their hair but there are many times this has come up on MN and I cant help thinking that actually at 16 most of us are not emotionally mature enough to make 100% of our own decisions independantly and without parental advice/supervision. Ok, they are too big for parents to really stop them doing anything but if nothing else isnt it a standard respect thing for the people who own the house you live in to have a say in where you go, what time you come back etc?

Its just that I have heard a lot of 'well they're 16 now, nothing you can do, they are grown up' etc and actually I dont think that's right. Most of us are still quite immature at that age and sometimes do need a bit of intervention to stop them making stupid decisions.

I know that at 16 my parents didnt exactly give me a curfew but I would do them the courtesy of letting them know roughly when to expect me back. Same as, they didn't forbid me to dye my hair but I knew my mum would be very upset if I did so I took her opinion into account and didnt dye my hair until I moved out.

So, AIBU to think that giving 16yr olds shouldnt be given a completely free rein to do whatever they want, especially if they still live at home?

since his school only allowed 'natural' colours of hair (not necessarily your own, just natural for someone...)

That made me smile. We had an issue re purple which hadn't grown out during the summer holidays once.

My 16yr old is still at school and technically still a child untill she is 18 even though she could get married tomorrow and not need my permission I think at 16 they still need guidance and parenting, we had a 16yr old girl with a baby where I work she wasn't mature yet was expected to cope poor kid. so while they are grown up sort of they still need looking after

I left school and was working at 16 I thought I knew everything I knew nothing

As the mother of 17 and 20 year olds I certainly don't tell them what to do; but I do point out any possible pitfalls and other options. I also expect a certain levl of courtesy in letting me know what time they will be in/ if they do not want meals et.

Mrsjayy In the words of Abraham Lincoln:

When I was ten I thought my father was the most stupid old man in the world. By the time I was twenty I was amazed how much he had learnt.

I thought Mark Twain said that?

Anyway, at 17, I was saving up to go to Japan and become Buddhist nun. Fortunately I grew up before that happened!

It was Mark Twain and not exactly in those words.

My dd will be 16 in too weeks, she is still a child. She doesn't think you are an adult until 18 and wouldn't expect me to treat her like one.

Two!

Fairyliz yes agreed. You sound sensible.

As in the other thread there is a world of difference between saying "are you sure you want purple hair and if you do here are some old towels to use" and, as one respondent in that thread posted , actually thinking as a parent it is up to you to allow or refuse purple hair.

Having 2 teens at home and two older ones I would definatly advise you to pick your battles.

Why in earth would you try to stop a 16 year old dye their hair? Good grief I hennad mine at 14 and that was in the 80s.

Won't ours we started from. Position of trusting them and allowing them to do more and more as the trust built up. If they let us down then they had to start building up the trust again.

For us clothes, hair choices were theirs from 13 onwards they choose their own with an allowance.
Part time jobs from 16.

The important no negotiable things were school attendance/decent behaviour and pleasent manners, help in the house and no fighting with siblings.

It worked for us.

I think at 16 it's more guiding rather than parenting as such.

If parents are still having huge battles and lots of disagreements with a 16 year old I think that's a bit worrying.

OneHandFlapping and Phaedra Thank you for the correction.

There is not really a moment when they become adult, is there? You know it's happened some time after it's happened.

My parents were still in charge of me when I was 25 living at Home with DD1 aged 3. I had to obey the 'House Rules' I do not see any problem with living at home in a family 'Unit' even in to your thirties , if it is beneficial to each other. I am in 'Charge' of DD1 18 ( 'she is a good girl off to uni shortly') DD2 15 coming up to 16 I keep on a 'Short Leash' though she works very hard at school and is 'mostly' well behaved.

I have never understood the obsession of kicking 'kids' out at 18 and the idea that at 18 ' you need to make your own mistakes'.

I think you can fool yourself into thinking that as a parent you're still in charge of your 16 year old, but in reality you're really not.

When I was 16 and after being in a relationship for 3 weeks I told my parents I was moving out and into my boyfriend's flat. My dad said, "You're bloody well not"! I said he couldn't stop me, which he couldn't. He ended up helping me move all my stuff in his car. He told me I was too young, that it wouldn't last and I'd be back home in a week. It's now 20 years later, I'm still living with DH and I think my dad has accepted I'm not coming back.

When DSD was 16 she wanted to go abroad with her friends, DH said no. She said she was going anyway. I convinced DH it was better to support her in what she wanted to do even if we didn't approve, rather than alienate her. He ended up driving them all to and from the airport.

I have never understood the obsession of kicking 'kids' out at 18 and the idea that at 18 ' you need to make your own mistakes'

But that's not what the thread is about. It's about treating adults as children .

"I have never understood the obsession of kicking 'kids' out at 18 and the idea that at 18 ' you need to make your own mistakes'"

I don't think anyone is saying that, are they?

What do you mean by a "short leash"?

Opinions seem to differ a lot on this depending on poster's own experiences. My DC are a lot younger so can't really comment, but I know at 16 I was very much still a child and treated as one. I did have responsibilities, i.e. i regularly babysat for my three younger siblings from about the age of 12 and had a part time job but I never even considered that I should be treated as an adult.

At 16 I very rarely went out and if I did I would have needed to be picked up by my parents. I hadn't had a boyfriend and sex wasn't anywhere on my radar. The experience of most of my friends was the same. Eg. It was the summer after our GCSE's before we started drinking on nights out.
Therefore I find the threads on here were parents are saying they allow their offspring to have boyfriends stay over at 16 amazing. My views may well change though when my DC are older!

'Hi' Hakluyt. DD2 has to do at least 2 hours homework Mon- Friday . She has strict 'curfew' times of 9.30 on a School Night she also has to prove to me she has done 2 hours before I let her out. On weekend nights I pick her up at 10.45 on the dot from her friends or Cinema/Bowling alley , if she is not waiting she knows I will come in and get her and make her look 10.

The thing is Mum And Dad always treat her and give her £250 a month, she also gets regular treats from her Uncle. She knows it will 'all' stop if she transgresses on any of the above .

Who kicks kids out at 18? Some leave to go to uni while others don't.

Not sure what a short leash is for a 15 year old. Mine is at the fusion festival and a party later tonight. She's doing very well at school and is great company. I really would hate to think I was controlling her that much. We talk about everything.

Still each to their own.

How could your parents be in charge of you at 25?

Absolutely not criticising others by the way as we are all different and no one has the holy grail to parenting.

No wonder your DD1 is off to uni then, I'd be out of there like a rat up a dirty drain. I'm curious, what does the short leash achieve?

Each to their own Smokepole but a 10.45 curfew for an almost 16 year old on a Saturday night seems excessive especially with the threat of coming in making her look like a 10 year old. And why do you pick her up? A 16 year old can use public transport. Mine was a boy but he attended his first music festival (3 nights camping at T in the Park) at 15 years and 11 months.

£250 + per month also seems an extraordinary amount of pocket money for a 16 year old.

I agree with Hakluyt on p1 and Fairyliz on p2.
I didnt see the thread this is about - but think hair dye falls into a 'pick your battles' category.
Smokepole I can't see how your dc are learning how to judge situation for themselves, or negotiate or learn how to debate things with that kind of dictatorship.

And Crocodileclip, I completely agree. Sort of what I was trying to say earlier too.

In comparison, when I was 16, I worked so had my own money. I'd paid for myself to go to festivals and off on holidays with friends. I had a few boyfriends and was having (infrequent) sex. I was responsible for my own education as my parents didn't get involved, I was often responsible for siblings without much interference from parents. We lived in central London so I was never reliant on lifts. I had friends that were pregnant or had recently had children. My sister had moved out at 17 and married at 18. Helpfully, mobiles didn't exist so I was 'unchecked' and effectively had to cope on my own.

I was basically self sufficient apart from housing, utilities and the odd meal. Thos are big things in real terms but because I never really had to ask my parents for anything and was reliant on myself I felt like an adult, and was treated like one.