to think that at 16 your parents still do or should have a say in your life?

[extremepie]

I know that at the age of 16 you are legally allowed to have sex and theoretically become parents so I wouldnt neessarily say that a 16yr old is a child but I dont think they are an adult either.

This is inspired by a thread about letting a 16yr old dye their hair but there are many times this has come up on MN and I cant help thinking that actually at 16 most of us are not emotionally mature enough to make 100% of our own decisions independantly and without parental advice/supervision. Ok, they are too big for parents to really stop them doing anything but if nothing else isnt it a standard respect thing for the people who own the house you live in to have a say in where you go, what time you come back etc?

Its just that I have heard a lot of 'well they're 16 now, nothing you can do, they are grown up' etc and actually I dont think that's right. Most of us are still quite immature at that age and sometimes do need a bit of intervention to stop them making stupid decisions.

I know that at 16 my parents didnt exactly give me a curfew but I would do them the courtesy of letting them know roughly when to expect me back. Same as, they didn't forbid me to dye my hair but I knew my mum would be very upset if I did so I took her opinion into account and didnt dye my hair until I moved out.

So, AIBU to think that giving 16yr olds shouldnt be given a completely free rein to do whatever they want, especially if they still live at home?

MamaPain me too. I lived at home until I was 18 but part time job gave me enough spending money to not have to ask for money. I lived with my mother and grandfather , I was very academic, did well at school, university was always expected from almost day 1 (in the 70s when most people didn't go) As long as I didn't risk that I had a very long leash.

Mama. Why is being a 'Strict' but caring parent frowned upon. DD1 lived with her father Mon-Friday during school terms but much preferred my 'style of parenting' to his. DD 1 is not of out of here 'like a rat up a dirty drain'. It appears from my posts on this and other subjects that I am a bit like 'Marmite'.

The short leash helps a girl who was struggling academically, to achieve her potential. The short 'leash' also helps to makes her a very 'respectful' caring and loving person who is very 'disciplined' (though a lit bit Cheeky at times) and will go on and achieve though life.

The body. I lived at home between the ages of 25-28 before trying again with the kids father (DD1,2,DS) . Mum and Dad looked after me and DD1 both financially and emotionally but I had to accept that they were in charge, mind you everything they decided were in mine and DD1s best interests.

Beacause you are making all the decisions for her.
Judgement is something we develop over time - teens need the opportunity to develop that judgement or they will certainly struggle when you are no longer there to work them from behind

At 16 all of my kids were pretty much making their own decisions with advice from us. All of them had part time jobs and did their share around the house. Two went to Uni at 18 and moved into flats. One moved in with his GF and our other DD has not long moved in with her BF. At 16 they had times to be in by as they were all still at school but they all let me know what they were up to at the weekends and what time to expect them back. One of my DD has dark brown elbow length hair with pink, blue and purple flashes of colour through the ends. She's 20 and has had various hair colours from age 16 which I paid for so it was done properly. I do think 16 year olds need guidance and support but they also need freedom to make their own choices. If they fall you just have to be there to pick them up otherwise they'd never learn from their mistakes.

My style with mine has always been that if it's stuff that only affects themselves, they can do pretty much as they please - I wouldn't expect anyone to ask my permission to dye their own hair for example! But if it affects others, then I'm pretty strict. However, I told my 17 year old this morning that she can only go out tonight if her room's tidy and she's put a wash on - doesn't really affect anyone else except she'll be faffing about with laundry tomorrow or Monday otherwise (as she's back to school on Tuesday) and probably getting in my way and I'm unrepentant about that! And she's tidying as I type

Hmm.I think it depends on the individual DC....young people are being kept in a childlike state for longer now, now very few leave school at 16 now, they are tied to parents financially even until they finish university and beyond.
When DS1 was at a Uni Open day a mother asked if parents got reports..'as they have to pay I want to know my child is working' my DS was . He had gone on his own, nearly every other student had parents with them..

But

I was immature at 16 and was realistically very childlike....I did as my DM/DGM told me and still needed looking after really..when I was 17 she married..over the next 2 years I grew up a fair bit and clashed with her DH, I moved out at 19. She was actually ok, it was her dickhead DH that couldn't accept I was growing up and wanted to control me even telling me what to wear!

My own DC were a lot more mature in many ways and as a result they wanted control over their own lives. They respected our views on curfews/clothing/piercings etc and waited until they left home, as a result we treated them as young adults from around 14 onwards. I always had it in the back of my mind that my DGP were working full time having left school at 14!
Although the eldest DS was the most difficult and rebellious. He is now diagnosed with ASD and a MH disorder. He still acted 'maturely' just not well as the MH issues were kicking in at that age. It had nothing to do with him being a child or adult.

My Dear Sister 'Rebelled' at 18 against Parents and her grammar school, when she refused University ( could have gone anywhere) and walked out of her French A level exam just to prove a point ( still ended up with 2 A grades in English/Maths). I am still disgusted with her today for that having struggled to get 4 D Grade GCSEs from a 'Shit' school to waste an opportunity , just to show ' I am in charge of my life not my parents or teachers'. She realises now and regrets never going to University .

If you think my parenting style is strict you should see hers . Her parenting style has obviously worked though as Niece no1 is about to start her 4th year of French at a RG University having done 1 year working in Paris. Sister also made sure that Niece got into Chelmsford Girls ,she has also ensured Nephew is on course for Maths at Oxford next year from the boys school.

I have also previously stated how 'well' brother has done up north. It will not be a bad outcome for a 'lower middle class' family from Kent if they get their 7 offspring in to good universities, it is testament to the values and discipline Mum and Dad instilled in the three of us.

I dont think im in charge of my 16 year old at all my 16 year old is a bit more immature tha n her sister was at 16 not sure why all different I suppose but dd2 still isnt doing things her sister was doing or capable but im not holding her back

not for me it wasn't, I was married with a house and a baby on the way.

Phaedra. The reason DD2 gets that much though £200 of it has to go in to bank account each month is so that she has the same as brothers and sisters children get. I obviously do not have my brothers or sisters money so I depend on mum and dad looking after my kids.

None of my 3x 16 yo have been adult at 16, although DD1 came close to be being psychologically ready to be autonomous. They all still need masses of support in their education, feeding etc... Of course they could be independent and adult but it would detract from their studies at at this age, it is crucial for them to be focused. So I would say yes, they still need input and the parents do have a say.

I think they probably should if everyone is happy with it, and I'd hope everyone was happy with it. The should of bringing up children should leave them independent enough to not a say from their parents at 16, but equally ready to accept that it's possibly useful.

But if the 16 year old doesn't want them to because it's not been a good environment, then it's equally reasonable that they choose their own path. Financial dependence is the complicating issue of course, and in any financially dependant scenario unfortunately you do lose the ability to express many of your rights, it's why financial control is such a bad thing in relationships.

My 16y is certainly still a child, she may be bigger than me, but I still expect her to do as she's told.

She can ask and negotiate, but as long as she lives at home, is funded by home and her only way of getting anywhere is if We take her. She's a child.

She can't stay out late, she has no where to go that doesn't need us to fetch her. Her BFf is a year older, but has younger siblings and her DM chucks everyone out stupidly early.

She really has the most ridiculously tame life compared with our drinking and dancing to 1am from 14 (rural discos/pubs didn't care)

I know she'd like a bit more freedom and I'd love to give it her. I'm perfectly happy to let her go to the nearest city on the train on her own, but theirs only so much shopping she needs to do.

She needs friends with relaxed parents and to sit, drink coffee and chat to 12pm, but she's a quirky soul and doesn't find making friends with her school peers easy.

She'll be fine at Uni, she'll find some one to talk science or join the choir and talk music.

At 16+ If they are still living in my home they are expected to abide by our rules.
They aren't draconian but the way the family members are expected to behave towards each other.
Everybody helps out and does their bit, informs of whereabouts or when they'll be home.
Me and dh do this for each other as it is common courtesy and nothing to do with age or control.
They have plenty of time to do their own thing when they have their own place.

Do we think 16 year olds are more mature these days than we were?
I'm not sure. Realistically they should be much safer - my parents had no way of contacting me when i was that age. No phones, Facebook etc

They certainly tend to stay at home for longer now due to finances.
Hair, piercings etc don't bother me. Obviously huge massive tattoos and those large things that make the ears hang down would make me not too chuffed but there are more important things than that to consider.
Mutual respect, good manners, just letting you know where they are so you don't think they are lying in a ditch somewhere.
And absolutely, if they are living in my house then they will get my support and advice and i will get to have my say. I just hope i can keep the lines of communication open and they actually like me. These next few years are going to be a learning experience in my house i think!

Smokepole Being a strict but caring parent is not frowned upon by me, in regards to younger children. I am a certified mean mummy when they are young children and have always been strict on some issues.

However, I wouldn't call what you have described as strict but caring, I would call it controlling micromanaging.

Once they are at secondary school and past the age of 12, I am strongly against (not that I would ever say I was for it) the sort of regime you are using. I think it not only infantilises young people, but leads to a weakness against authority, and personal incongruence. It breeds the kind of young people I encounter as an employer, who need spoon feeding and constant consultation from their parents, the sorts of people who are very qualified academically but have little in the way of life skills or independence. Also the sort of people I encounter through my DCs who are upset because they are so manipulated and controlled by their parents. The sort of people who at 25 would have their mum and dad in charge of them. I class them as ineffectual and needy adults and not the strong independent people I have done my best to raise.

My parenting approach has managed to raise decent, well educated and so far successful children. The RG group universities and years abroad are not isolated to controlling parents, DH and I are testament to that.

mamapain it isn't simply micromanaging parents that lead to the sort of adults you speak of it's also schools and society in general.

There is almost no where a teen can go where they aren't watched like a hawk. They are tolerated, just in coffee shops and cinemas, but watched like criminals in shops.

School expects them to work their socks off, but treats them like they are 9.

I had to write a note explaining why my 16y hadn't done her HW.

FFS she can have sex and have a baby, but not explain a GCSE practical exam has moved!

Sixth form used to be better, but with these new contact time rules, it looks like they are going to be supervised during 'free' periods to ensure they are working.

And no doubt, subject to ridiculous attendance rules, so every uni open day requires a fancy letter.

We have 4 DCs, 2 over 18. Our attitude has always been that, at 16, We couldn't dictate to them, but could provide a sounding board and a safety net. So, it was up to them to find a balance between school and social life (there will be nobody to make them work at uni so the sooner they crack the self motivation thing the better) but that, if they wanted help, We would provide it. As a family, we don't do curfews or rules, other than keep your phone switched on and let us know if you are not going to be home. It seems to have worked fine.

Surely lots of issues have changed with time tho. I had to be home by 9m when I was 16, but it's easier to be more flexible now with mobile phones. I think I was harder work to parent as a 17/18 yo because they were too strict when I was younger and I ended up lying about where I was etc.

I had a part-time job that didn't finish till 10pm! That was a discussion point!

notquiteruralbliss Agreed. That was our attitude too. Worked out fine.

Elephants, I have black sons. Two aren't even teens anymore and I still have to vouch for them on occasion two nights ago and it drives me absolutely potty!

I feel that society has become obsessed with childhood and keeping them as babies but it doesn't do anyone any good, apart from afford a small minority of parents a level of control.

Rural, that was pretty much my mother's stance back in the 80s before mobiles were invented.
"The time doesn't matter - the who and how does"
She'd much rather I shared a cab with friends at 1am than walk home alone at 10pm.
I think she had grasped the fact that alcohol can be drunk at 7pm and sex can be had at 8pm.