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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's odd to take your grown up dc abroad on holiday and not invite their partners or dc?

105 replies

ikeaismylocal · 29/08/2014 17:29

My pil like to take their dc abroad when each one turns 40, the pil pay for the entire holiday for them and their dc (4 dc all in their 30s/40s) the last holiday was 2 weeks in Greece when sil turned 40.

It is very kind of them to pay for their dc to go away but there is never the mention that partners or dc would be welcome but obviously would have to pay for themselves.

The last time dp went away it caused lots of issues between us mostly because he spent a large chunk of his annual leave on this holiday, we live in dp'a home country and at that stage I wasn't very settled here which made spending 2 weeks alone worse.

Dp turns 40 soon, we will have 2 toddlers when he turns 40, aibu to say if he wants to go away and celebrate his 40th without us he can take the dc with him as they are as much his family as his parents and siblings.

I just couldn't imagine organizing holidays for just my dc and dp 20 years after they leave home, surely it's important to embrace the way the family has changed.

OP posts:
HavanaSlife · 29/08/2014 20:41

I think its weird, for our big birthdays, mine and dsis 30th, mums 50th, grans 60th we all went away. Partners, dcs, 3 generations.

Saying that our family are close and the grandchildren are as important to my mum, gps as we are.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 29/08/2014 20:44

I went on holiday with just my parents and my db for a week pre kids to celebrate my dad's 60th.

However, dh was invited but at that time I got 29 days holiday a year (plus the odd extra from weekend working) and he only got 20 so we both felt that his leave was too precious to use on a holiday that he'd enjoy (my parents are nice) but was not his choice of location.

My holiday was far less valuable due to the fact that I had sodding loads of it!

housebox · 29/08/2014 21:16

I find this very odd and divisive. When I got married my parents welcomed my DH as their own son and treat him exactly the same as me. My mum makes sure we get the same money spent on us at Xmas/Birthdays same amount of photos up in their house etc. They wouldn't dream of inviting me on holiday without my DH or children.

It can't really be compared to say a girls weekend away where it's just mother and daughter. I would feel that it was DH's parents sending me the message that I was not really part of their family (despite being the mother of their grandchildren!). It's also selfish as 2 weeks is a long time for you to be alone with DC and of course it takes 2 weeks away from your DH's holiday time that you may want him to spend with you and your DC.

If they can't afford to pay for both of you then they could offer to pay half for each or go somewhere less expensive.

Certainly when my DC hopefully get married I will see their spouses as my own children and wouldn't dream of treating them differently!

Can you come to a compromise of them going away but just for a long weekend?

Greengrow · 29/08/2014 21:39

Families differ and it can do people good to be away although anyone left holding babies for2 weeks needs to tell her spouse that's fine but she is off for 2 weeks and he has the children over the summer. Be fair.

I have tried to involve the children's partners although on skiing holidays it's expensive even with just one extra - luckily they chipped in a bit last time so it's all worked fine so far.

Ludoole · 29/08/2014 21:55

Personally id like to spend a milestone birthday with my partner.
Thats just me though.
I know if it were reversed I wouldnt go away and leave dp with the kids.

scousadelic · 29/08/2014 21:59

I think it is very odd. My DCs are in their 20s and we would never dream of inviting them somewhere without their partners

Delphiniumsblue · 29/08/2014 22:06

Very odd! Is he planning to go ahead with it?

Ketchuphidestheburntbits · 29/08/2014 23:01

YANBU

Susyb30 · 30/08/2014 00:29

How odd! The fact your dp is actually going to go along with this, celebrate a milestone birthday without you and dc's..but go away for 2 bloody weeks with mummy and daddy is astonishing! My dh would never do this..for the simple fact he would miss us..you and dc's should be the people he should want to spend this happy time with, and to make it a big family holiday then great! Odd that you are being excluded.
Think your other half should grow a set of balls and put his "d" mother straight Grin

whathaveiforgottentoday · 30/08/2014 01:09

I would be pissed if my dh used 2 weeks of his annual leave to go away without me and the kids. It wouldn't leave enough for a holiday with us. I would also find it incredibly disrespectful. A weekend away is fine, 2 weeks is just plain weird in these circumstances.
I regularly used to go away with my mum for a week so no problem with going away with my parents. It's just the fact that your dh's parents seem to have ignored that their children have their own families now.

BlahBlahYeahYeah · 30/08/2014 01:30

Id be mega-pissed off at this!

Two weeks! Hmm

gingercat2 · 30/08/2014 01:35

Yes I think it's odd.

Summerisle1 · 30/08/2014 01:38

I can't imagine a circumstance where I'd invite my sons away for a two week holiday without their wives/partners. Two weeks is a heck of a chunk out of most people's annual leave for starters but also, they'd feel justifiably hurt to be left out of such a long holiday. Not that I could see my sons being prepared to agree to go in the first place. It's not about independence or about being unable to be apart either but it'd certainly be considered odd in our family.

A long weekend is one thing. A fortnight away to celebrate a milestone birthday which takes the birthday person away from the very person you'd imagine they'd want to spend that birthday with is unreasonable.

Sapat · 30/08/2014 02:03

I don't find it odd. In fact I have just spent 3 weeks at my parents' without DH in my home country. I took the kids though. DH sometimes joins us for a week or so. I get more annual leave then he does and we don't go on family holidays as we can't afford them, so I take the kids to visit their grandparents twice a year, up to 2 weeks at Xmas and up to 3 weeks in summer. My parents are very generous and i only need to pay the flights. I think 2 weeks is a bit long, and purposefully excluding OH and children is a bit off, but surely you can cope for 2 weeks on your own? Also I have no problems missing birthdays, whether mine, DH or DC. It is nice to reconnect with your first family, especially when you don't see them much and are scattered across Europe.

Pastperfect · 30/08/2014 02:52

It's odd and divisive of the pils to suggest it and outrageous of your DH to go along with it.

I would be furious- annual leave is precious in this house and mostly accounted for with family holidays. Two weeks out if 4/5 that your DH cannot spend on holiday with you and the kids is unacceptable

TheSameBoat · 30/08/2014 05:24

YANBU. 2 weeks is too long and don't they think you'd want to celebrate with him? Very odd.

JoandMax · 30/08/2014 05:40

I'd find that very odd from both my ILs and my DH. Firstly 2 weeks is far too long and secondly a big birthday like that I would be very hurt if DH didn't want to celebrate that with me or the DCs.

My ILs are brilliant, have always treated me and my SIL as if we were their children, very fair and always included in everything. FIL and BIL once came to stay and I persuaded them all to go out for the evening while I stayed home and my FIL brought me home flowers and maltesers as he felt guilty!

Its completely different being an expat and going back with DCs to stay with parents for a few weeks in the summer though (which a few have mentioned) - that's to ensure DCs see family, it's not a holiday!

Delphiniumsblue · 30/08/2014 07:13

I can see them offering- what I find odd is that he would actually go? Is he going?

Eastpoint · 30/08/2014 07:20

YANBU

I can't imagine wanting to go on holiday on my own with my parents at all. In fact the last time I went on my own with them was before I started work. A night away perhaps but no longer. I have been on holiday with my parents & my DH & our children however.

Preciousbane · 30/08/2014 07:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ikeaismylocal · 30/08/2014 08:56

He hasn't actually said yes it is just assumed that it is going to happen. I spoke with him last night about what he'd like to do and he said he'd like to be abroad (his birthday is in December) with me and our dc, so I think we'll just book something for the 4 of us and anyone who wants to come along is very welcome.

Both me and dp have a controlling side, he was unwilling to continue our relationship unless we lived in his home country, now that is fine as I'm very happy here and the children have lots of opportunities that we couldn't give them in the uk but there were times it was extremely hard for me, especially pre-dc. I don't mind if me bring annoyed that dp goes on family holidays without his wife or dc makes me controlling.

OP posts:
SpiderTracker · 30/08/2014 09:01

I think it is barking. I would put my foot down to be honest. Then we are a couple that very rarely spend time apart and holidays and nights away are for the family and never just one person. DH would never waste his annual leave going away without us.

louwn · 30/08/2014 09:08

Its weird - my parents would never do this without inviting DH - they think the world of him and treat him as one of their own. That is how it should be IMO. My parents have paid for us all, including my brother's
girlfriend at the time, to go away on
holiday, and my DHs parents have taken us all away including partners before too.

thegreylady · 30/08/2014 10:07

My dd and I have had an overnighter or two to go to a show/meal and her dh is happy with that but she certainly wouldn't want to be away from them for a week! I wouldn't want her to be happy with that.

londonrach · 30/08/2014 10:11

Can see it from both sides. 2 weeks is a long time though for you on your own with two young children