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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think it's odd to take your grown up dc abroad on holiday and not invite their partners or dc?

105 replies

ikeaismylocal · 29/08/2014 17:29

My pil like to take their dc abroad when each one turns 40, the pil pay for the entire holiday for them and their dc (4 dc all in their 30s/40s) the last holiday was 2 weeks in Greece when sil turned 40.

It is very kind of them to pay for their dc to go away but there is never the mention that partners or dc would be welcome but obviously would have to pay for themselves.

The last time dp went away it caused lots of issues between us mostly because he spent a large chunk of his annual leave on this holiday, we live in dp'a home country and at that stage I wasn't very settled here which made spending 2 weeks alone worse.

Dp turns 40 soon, we will have 2 toddlers when he turns 40, aibu to say if he wants to go away and celebrate his 40th without us he can take the dc with him as they are as much his family as his parents and siblings.

I just couldn't imagine organizing holidays for just my dc and dp 20 years after they leave home, surely it's important to embrace the way the family has changed.

OP posts:

DaisyFlowerChain · 29/08/2014 18:03

I think it's lovely. They will always be your DHs parents regardless of age. It's quite sad when children turn into adults and then believe they shouldn't do anything fun or spend time with their parents again.

I wouldn't be miffed to not be invited if it was a parents and children holiday only.

Would you pay for your children's girlfriends/boyfriends to go on holiday with you plus any children? It could be a cost element too.

ENormaSnob · 29/08/2014 18:03

Weird as fuck imo.

atticusclaw · 29/08/2014 18:04

I'd have a big issue with it if it was DH. A weekend away I could just about accept (although I'd still think it really odd) but two weeks is taking the mickey. He has his own family now.

Cantbelievethisishappening · 29/08/2014 18:04

No, I was annoyed when he went away pre-children.

Can I ask why?

Mintyy · 29/08/2014 18:05

Seriously odd.

SelfconfessedSpoonyFucker · 29/08/2014 18:06

Two weeks I think is too much. However, if you had said a week or a long weekend I would have said "how lovely"

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 29/08/2014 18:07

It's odd once the DCs have set up home with a partner and/or had DCs of their own, I agree.

PILs family consists of more than just their own four DCs now doesn't it? Excluding partners & GDCs is quite rude actually. Obviously, everyone should have to pay for themselves (adults that is), but should at least get an invite.

PuppyMonkey · 29/08/2014 18:08

When it comes time for organising your DH's 40th do, just book you and your DCs in (paying for yourself obvs) as well. Or better still, your DH should book you in too.

ShelaghTurner · 29/08/2014 18:08

I don't think it's odd but I do think 2 weeks is far too long and not fair in terms of eating up annual leave as well as childcare issues etc. A weekend is much fairer for everyone.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 29/08/2014 18:08

Just to add - if it was a long weekend, I'd probably view it differently. But two whole weeks of annual leave & a nice foreign holiday is a different matter altogether.

Aeroflotgirl · 29/08/2014 18:11

Not only that, it takes up 2 weeks annual leave, 2 weeks of holiday which you could have with them and tge dc. It's nice how this has not been discussed with you, by PIL or your partner, it's assumed you would be alright with it!

Original poster

ikeaismylocal · 29/08/2014 18:11

I was annoyed pre-children because I felt like he wasn't committed to our relationship, I didn't have any family or many friends in the country we live in (dp's home country) I had spent the previous year trying to learn his language, get a job and make my life here and he chose to spend nearly half of his annual leave without me. I felt like I had given up a huge amount for our relationship, my career, my family and friends, my home country and he didn't even want to spend his holidays with me.

OP posts:

Bakeoffcakes · 29/08/2014 18:11

My 2dds are 20 and 23. I hope we will always have time to do a long weekend together without partners/children. Not 2 weeks though- that's taking the piss.

Original poster

ikeaismylocal · 29/08/2014 18:14

I think I might just book a 5 week supprise holiday for me, dp and our dc so it uses up all dp's annual leave, then I can tell pil they are welcome to come and join us for a week or two if they want evil

OP posts:

LumpySpacedPrincess · 29/08/2014 18:17

I'd love to think I would be able to spend some time with dd when she's an adult. Okay, 2 weeks is a bit much but maybe a long weekend.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 29/08/2014 18:18

Is he away on his actual birthday? That would really annoy me. A long weekend away adults only the weekend after I would be happier with.

Original poster

ikeaismylocal · 29/08/2014 18:19

I'd love to spend time with my dc when they are adults, maybe an afternoon walk or dinner out but I hope I will respect their priority quite naturally should lie with their dp and dc.

OP posts:

DaisyFlowerChain · 29/08/2014 18:20

Presumably if it's only on 30th/40th birthdays unless they have ten children it's not very often at all.

He can still be committed in a relationship without giving up everything including time with his parents. I don't have mine anymore but I would be mightily cross if DH moaned about me spending time with them.

I get you moved to his country and it was hard but you obviously wanted to and made that decision as an adult. You can't use it to control him. Presumably you can go out with friends etc as you like leaving the children home with him.

Aeroflotgirl · 29/08/2014 18:20

It's the length of time, would be fine with a long weekend/week but 2 weeks is a big ask, which you weren't asked were you, it was assumed you would be fine with.

Viviennemary · 29/08/2014 18:22

I'd think it was really odd. And not many people would be happy about this.

HaroldLloyd · 29/08/2014 18:23

Odd!

LokiBear · 29/08/2014 18:23

A few years ago, before marriage and kids, PIL wanted to go to New York with the whole family. They offered to pay for their own dc but I was invited too. It was more of a 'we will pay half if you both come or pay for DH if he comes alone'. I had no issue with this, DH went but I couldnt due to work. I think wanting to taking a grown up dc away from the partner and kids for two weeks is odd. And wrong. Offering to pay would be kind as long as the invite was extended to everyone. You need to speak to your DH and just say that you and your kids shouldn't be excluded from this.

Frontier · 29/08/2014 18:25

Daisy? Going out with friends is not the same as a 2 week holiday - using approx. 50% (?) of his annual holiday entitlement.

I'd be cross if DH complained about me "spending time" with my parents. There's no way I'd expect him to be cool about me going away for 2 weeks. In fact, I'd be mightily concerned about his motives if he was.

There are 4 DC, so it is approx. every other year, assuming birthdays are evenly spaced.

TheWordFactory · 29/08/2014 18:28

I don't suppose I would mind if it didn't impact upon our family holidays. But then I can't see how it wouldn't due to annual leave etc

Aeroflotgirl · 29/08/2014 18:29

It was not discussed with op, just assumed, there is such thing as communication within a relationship. No op is not controlling, it is a big chunk out of their families AL, op will be in her own with 2 young chikdren, so is entitled to her views.

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