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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's odd to take your grown up dc abroad on holiday and not invite their partners or dc?

105 replies

ikeaismylocal · 29/08/2014 17:29

My pil like to take their dc abroad when each one turns 40, the pil pay for the entire holiday for them and their dc (4 dc all in their 30s/40s) the last holiday was 2 weeks in Greece when sil turned 40.

It is very kind of them to pay for their dc to go away but there is never the mention that partners or dc would be welcome but obviously would have to pay for themselves.

The last time dp went away it caused lots of issues between us mostly because he spent a large chunk of his annual leave on this holiday, we live in dp'a home country and at that stage I wasn't very settled here which made spending 2 weeks alone worse.

Dp turns 40 soon, we will have 2 toddlers when he turns 40, aibu to say if he wants to go away and celebrate his 40th without us he can take the dc with him as they are as much his family as his parents and siblings.

I just couldn't imagine organizing holidays for just my dc and dp 20 years after they leave home, surely it's important to embrace the way the family has changed.

OP posts:
DifferentCountrySameShit · 29/08/2014 18:31

I think it is very odd and very wrong to expect an adult to leave their family to spent 2 weeks on holiday with parents.

DaisyFlowerChain · 29/08/2014 18:34

Frontier, yes of course it's different but the OP sounds controlling and there's no sign the DH is which was the point I was trying to make.

It's not much time over the duration of the years though.

It's just not something I could get worked up about. Adults aren't chained to each other and should be allowed to go away with their parents if they so wish. Plenty go with friends or leave their children with sitters and go.

Perhaps having no parents just makes you realise how important it is to spend decent quality time with them. DH is very indifferent about his and will regret it when they are gone I'm sure.

It's quite daunting to realise as a MIL you may not see as much of your som as you like because his girlfriend (or wife if married) may disapprove yet it's seen as more acceptable for daughters to spend copious amounts of time with their mums.

PourquoiPas · 29/08/2014 18:34

Most people only get 4 weeks off a year. I would be hugely pissed off if DH's used half his annual leave buggering off on a holiday leaving me to look after the children.

Once you have children I think they should be included. Or maybe a weekend all together. Two weeks is just a pisstake.

cricketpitch · 29/08/2014 18:35

Not odd. Perfectly reasonable to want to do it. I'd be fine with it. (And have been)

Admit I never understand the need to do everything as a nuclear family unit. We are all individuals and different dynamics are interesting. "he can't if I can't" and seeing the DCs as"work to be shared" is depressing IMO - but if it makes you unhappy OP you have a right to ask him not to go.

chipshop · 29/08/2014 18:40

I think a week would be better because otherwise it uses up too much annual leave, but I don't mind the idea, I love spending time with just my parents and my DSis, we don't always need DHs, DWs, DPs included! I'd never stop my DP from doing similar.

I do find the thought of DP going away with just his parents and two DSis hilarious though, they're close but they'd drive him up the wall. I might suggest it. Grin

BOFster · 29/08/2014 18:46

Only on MN does "being a bit pissed off" equate to "being controlling"

dreamingbohemian · 29/08/2014 19:03

I don't think it's an odd idea but I think one week would be better

I honestly don't understand why it annoyed you pre-children though (and I'm an expat twice over myself)

Aeroflotgirl · 29/08/2014 19:05

Its not controlling at all, there is a partnership, this was not discussed with op, she is expected to stay at home and look after the kids whilst her dp goes on a 2 week holiday, using up his Annual leave and preventing her and their family from having a holiday that year. Also he is going to be spending family money whilst on that holiday I am sure, so why does op have to lie back and be walked over. Two weeks is too much, a week is fine, I dont think op dp would be happy if op did the same thing and he had to take time off work to look after the kids.

PersonOfInterest · 29/08/2014 19:05

It sounds like you're welcome on the family trip as long as you pay - which I think is reasonable.

If you can't pay or don't want to go then I agree 2 weeks is a long time of annual leave to use. Even more so as you are at a time in life when you have young children and you get left with them for two weeks. Likewise if you've just moved to a new country and have all the difficulties you described.

What I'm saying is that I think the problem is your dp (not his family, their gesture is quite nice). He's the one that's chosen to leave you to struggle in a new place/with two small children. Have you/ did you tell him how you feel? Do you want to go with him?

Any yes I think its reasonable that he takes the children.

DoJo · 29/08/2014 19:11

Its not controlling at all, there is a partnership, this was not discussed with op, she is expected to stay at home and look after the kids whilst her dp goes on a 2 week holiday, using up his Annual leave and preventing her and their family from having a holiday that year. Also he is going to be spending family money whilst on that holiday I am sure, so why does op have to lie back and be walked over. Two weeks is too much, a week is fine, I dont think op dp would be happy if op did the same thing and he had to take time off work to look after the kids.

All fair points, but none of them the parents' fault - they have issued an invitation and it it up to the OP's partner to accept or refuse. The issues arising out of their partnership do not equate to it being 'odd' for his parents to want to take their children away for their birthdays, which is what the OP seems to believe is the main issue.

Aeroflotgirl · 29/08/2014 19:14

yes it does fall on op dp, they should really be discussing this together and reaching a compromise, mabey a week, or 2 weeks, with dp paying for op and dc to come on the second week.

Aeroflotgirl · 29/08/2014 19:15

I wouldent mind, pre kids, but things change once they come along

DancingDinosaur · 29/08/2014 19:19

It sounds nice, not odd at all. Maybe just a week if there isn't enough annual leave though. I wouldn't think anything of it if dh did this, and vice versa.

Hulababy · 29/08/2014 19:25

It would certainly be unusual here.

We have been away with my parents and with DH's parents - but we all go (me, dh and DD; pre DD me and dh went) None would ever dream of not inviting the partners and grandchildren.

PILs are paying for the family to have a villa abroad next year to celebrate MILs birthday - but we are all invited - DH, me, DD, BIL, his wife and their DDs. PILs would never have excluded the spouses and children.

But we all get on. We get together at other times and enjoy one another's company.

I do meet with my mum without DH at times, often with my sister, sometimes my brother. Though normally dd is with me too - as is my nephew. That's just for a day though.

DH has limited holidays, like most people. He wouldn't want to spend a whole lot of them on a week or two away without me and dd tbh.

mommy2ash · 29/08/2014 19:31

if it was every year then I would think it odd but it's only for big birthdays. personally I think it's lovely. I never understand the hand wringing about being stuck to mind the children. just make sure you get a break when he gets back. unless he is totally useless the rest of the time a couple of weeks away wouldn't worry me

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/08/2014 19:31

I spent almost three weeks away with my Mum earlier this year. It was her 70th, somewhere my Dad, DH and DD wouldn't want to go and my Mum and I really enjoy each other's company.

However, ikea we are the opposite to you. The person going away, me, lives in DH's home country. So I generally see very little of my Mum and miss her. In your case, DH is in his home country and goes away without you. A little more Hmm if you ask me.

Discobugsacha · 29/08/2014 19:33

That is seriously weird! YOU and dc's are his primary family now and if he wanted to go away with his parents instead for 2 weeks without you I would be questioning your relationship!

Why would anyone use half their annual leave to spend away from their partner and children ( unless uou are going on a charity treck up Mount Everest!)

The parents are weird but I think your dh and his siblings need to spell it out to them how rude they are actually being. I can't believe the other siblings have actually consented to their partners and children being treated like that!

Hulababy · 29/08/2014 19:33

Also means that the partner left at home, is also left at home with all childcare issues and all responsibilities whilst the grown up child is off having a jolly fortnight.

I can honestly say that there is no way I would want to go away on holiday for a fortnight without dh and dd. He would be the same. A long weekend maybe, but not a week or fortnight's holiday.

Hulababy · 29/08/2014 19:34

4DC means it is nearly every other year

Cantbelievethisishappening · 29/08/2014 19:37

YOU and dc's are his primary family now and if he wanted to go away with his parents instead for 2 weeks without you I would be questioning your relationship!

Crikey.... over-reaction much! Hmm

Cantbelievethisishappening · 29/08/2014 19:39

Also means that the partner left at home, is also left at home with all childcare issues and all responsibilities

I think you will find there are 1000's upon 1000's of parents doing this day in and day out on their own....

Original poster
ikeaismylocal · 29/08/2014 19:39

I think I'd feel differently if it was his mum or dad's birthday I feel sad that he doesn't want to celebrate a big birthday with us.

When they all went away last time my bils invited me over (they were also not invited) they just said that dp's family were weird it's just the way they are.

My family would never do this, it's interesting to hear other families would do this, in a way it's good to know its acceptable to an extent.

OP posts:
CarmineRose1978 · 29/08/2014 20:07

I think it's odd too, ikea. A weekend wouldn't bother me but two weeks? Half of his annual leave? And leaving you in charge if a couple of toddlers? If my partner suggested this I wouldn't be impressed, not least because I'd be hurt that he wanted to spend so much if his leave without me. If my mum wasn't dead, I'd probably have been happy to spend a couple of weekends a year with her as we were very close, but I'd really miss my DP if I spent so long without him, and I know he'd miss me. But we're probably co-dependent or I'm controlling (according to MN's definitions!)

Looserella · 29/08/2014 20:29

That is weird. I'd be pissed off if it was just a birthday meal I was excluded from!

BolshierAyraStark · 29/08/2014 20:29

I'd be hurt by this too & think he's out of order. 2 weeks is a long time Togo on holiday without your immediate family, which is you & the DC.

Could you perhaps visit your home country & family while he is away in an attempt to compensate for his lack of awareness of your feelings?

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