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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To use this name myself?

102 replies

PeanutKitKat · 29/08/2014 10:39

We are expecting DD1 (DC2) in a couple of months. I had a conversation with a friend last year about baby names. Just for context, we are not massively close but get on fairly well, our husbands are very close friends however and we see them at least fortnightly. They have a DS too and I would expect them to try for more kids in the future.

We tipsily shared with each other what we would have picked for girls names first time round. The trouble is, now I really like the name she mentioned. I have read all sorts on here about not being able to reserve names, they may never have a child of that sex etc, but I just wanted to do a sort of straw poll to see realistically how much it would actually bother you if you were my friend in this situation. Am just concerned I'm trying to use all those reasons above to justify it to myself because I really want to use the name.

As an aside, the name is not unusual but in the top 50 for girls names last year.
P.S please be kind, I have not made a final decision yet!

OP posts:

Thomyorke · 30/08/2014 12:42

Using the same name would not bother me but future conversations would be awkward as I would be hesitant in sharing information. When she told you in was personal information that she choose to share probably secure that you would not use it.

Whatdoesaduckdo · 30/08/2014 12:59

When I was pregnant with my twin girls I made the mistake of mentioning my short list of names to SIL. Two weeks before I had them she got a dog and used "my" names, eg I had picked Ellie and rose and she called the for Ellie Rose
I still seethe now.
Bitch (her not the dog)

Whatdoesaduckdo · 30/08/2014 13:00

*dog not for

Thecircle · 30/08/2014 13:04

Have you considered the fact that she might have changed her mind?

All of the names I liked 2-3 years pre ds went out of the window to be honest.

Speak to her, explain you love the name and you would like to consider using it- gage her reaction and go from there.

Pppllllleeeeaaasssseee tell us the name!!!

tiggytape · 30/08/2014 13:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LatteLoverLovesLattes · 30/08/2014 13:27

I would ask her if she would still use it if they had a girl. If they would (or might) then I wouldn't. She told you in confidence, you can't just stomp all over that if you want to have a reasonable relationship with her.

The thing is, most people want their children to have 'their own name' within their family and close friends, so if someone tells you in confidence and you don't immediate say 'oh that's one of ours too', then to use it, it is telling them they cannot trust you with their confidences, it's hardly going to make for a good relationship is it?

Bowlersarm · 30/08/2014 13:29

Ask her. And respect her wishes.

I think it makes it more of a no no to just use it if you are family.

squoosh · 30/08/2014 13:30

So she's your SIL.

You definitely can't use it in that case.

Twoplusboys · 30/08/2014 13:32

I'd say it to her because I used to have a face girls name but ie since gone off it and would never use it. She might feel te same about that name. If there was any hesitation in her voice, I wouldn't use it though.

neverputasockinatoaster · 30/08/2014 13:39

I have come to the conclusion that I exist in a bubble!
When I was pg with DS we chose a girl name and a boy name. With DD we stuck with the girl name and picked a stand by boy name.
It wasn't until after she was named that it was pointed out to me that I had chosen the same name as my step sister......
My Step sister goes by a diminutive so it just didn't register!
According to some people here I have committed a heinous crime.
My step sister just laughed and decided she was honoured to have DD named after her!

BolshierAyraStark · 30/08/2014 14:04

This is precisely why I never had this discussion.

I really wouldn't use the name, especially as it's your SIL.

VeganCow · 30/08/2014 14:12

My oldest friend used the same name as my youngest, 5 years later. Didnt bother me in the slightest, I just thought we both had good taste

SisterMoonshine · 30/08/2014 14:45

SIL? So 2 Grandchildren of the same name.
No, don't use it.
Like you said: you have several possibilities for names.
And the sad face in your post about it being awkward telling her just shows you how awkward you'd feel forever.

SisterMoonshine · 30/08/2014 15:41

Why don't you pop over to baby names and we can sort out with a name you could like equally as much?
You may have to tell us the name though so we know where you're coming from.

Rainbunny · 30/08/2014 18:38

Neverput - I think your situation is different in my opinion. In your situation your dd is effectively sharing the same name with her aunt, which I think is rather nice.

OP I still think you should go ahead if you feel strongly, after all your dd will have this name for life but I also think the earlier poster hit the nail on the head when she mentioned that your SIL probably confided in you about her choice of name because she trusted you and is not expecting you to use it yourself, especially as you mentioned different names at that time. I think it's highly unlikely that she won't be upset if you use it. I would definitely ask her about it. Goodluck!

ADishBestEatenCold · 30/08/2014 19:23

Does your DH know that your preferred name is the only name chosen by your SIL, if she should have a girl?

Does he know that your SIL told you this and that is what gave you the idea of the name?

(I'm not nitpicking here, PeanutKitKat, I think the answers to those questions are important because, if you do use the name, then it may be that your DH is the one that has to take the flack from his brother).

I don't think you should use the name. Or, at the very least, I think you should ask SIL if she minds you using the name she has chosen and, if she does mind, then I think you should be prepared not to use it.

I also think you should consider how you would feel if you did use the name and then, a year down the line, your SIL also used the name, as she had always planned to do. Your DD could go though life being called 'Big Jessie' or 'Big Olive' or whatever!

NeedsAsockamnesty · 30/08/2014 19:36

A top 50 name then nobody can get that possessive about it without looking very silly.
And it wouldn't even register on my radar because so many kids will end up with a top 50.

A number 50-100 and feeling a tiny bit cross would be slightly understandable.

A not within the top 5000 names and I would find crossness quite understandable but only because I'm aware people do tend to pick those because they are so unusual.

A few of my kids have incredibly unusual names and I will admit if any of those names did a ruby I would be perturbed I'm pretty sure if they jumped into the top 50 then I wouldn't much care if it was a friend/neighbour/family member who used the same name so it wouldn't be a 'they have stolen the name' thing more a 'oh crap I didn't foresee that now every third kids going to be one' if that makes sense.

OwlinaTree · 30/08/2014 20:13

Friend of mine had picked a girls name and can't have any more children. I couldn't use that name. Otherwise I think if its just a general 'I like ...' It's OK to use.

Original poster

PeanutKitKat · 30/08/2014 20:39

Sorry for the delayed reply, have been at a birthday party all afternoon. Thanks again for taking the time to reply. It's certainly given me a lot to think about. I think I'm clear in my head now that I probably shouldn't use the name without at least having a candid discussion with SIL. Don't think I can leave it to DH to talk about with his brother, you know what men are like, they probably won't see what all the fuss is about!

Back to the drawing board I guess. May well see you over on the baby names board!

OP posts:

WeHateAmy · 30/08/2014 21:28

Years ago, my cousin chose a boy name that I really liked.

She has fertility issues and as yet still has no children.

I don't have fertility issues, but have lost a child to stillbirth and another to prematurity. We now have a DS.

I really liked the name that she has chosen, it had been on my shortish-list before she mentioned it, but I didn't use it either of the times I had the chance because she brought it up as the one name she really wanted for a boy if she ever had one.

It has a more personal meaning to her than to me, she was the one who first brought it up in conversation and to be honest I believe now that even though she may never have a child and use it herself, it would probably have hurt very much her if I'd used it, even though I had liked it before she said it. So I'm glad I didn't use it.

It's all a bit Rachel from Friends, talking about names, saying you won't want the name your friend/SIL likes and then wanting it the minute you hear it. You have other names that you liked before your SIL told you hers.

Is there a name that sounds similar, or means the same thing, that you could use instead? And if she says she doesn't want you to use the name, will you respect her wishes or use it anyway?

There's a chance she might have changed her mind about the name, perhaps she's even wishing she'd thought of one of the names you brought up. But if her heart is still set on it, even if she might not use it, will you let it go?

SallyMcgally · 30/08/2014 23:19

I would use it. Mad to get possessive about a name, especially if it's in the top 50. My DM was all set to call me Catriona, and that would have meant I could be Kate, and then she decided not because one of her friends had a little girl called Catriona. And I've never ever liked the name she gave me.

Hakluyt · 31/08/2014 06:21

There is absolutely no reason why you shouldn't use the name- you have a perfect "right" to. She doesn't "own" the name and has right to be proprietorial about it.

Except that a nice, kind person wouldn't. And you sound like a nice, kind person. So don't.

JapaneseMargaret · 31/08/2014 08:26

However awkward it might be to sound her out and actually ask her, surely it is far more awkward just going ahead and using it, if it does annoy her...?

The fact that it's your SIL definitely sheds a different light on it.

BlinkAndMiss · 31/08/2014 09:19

SIL or friend - it's the same issue. She's told you she liked the name so I don't understand why you would think it's ok to use it. Some people on here have pointed out that she has no 'rights' over the name but she's told you she would like to use it, it's a bit disrespectful to just take it. And I certainly think it's disgusting that some people are suggesting that you ignore the fact that she said anything and use it anyway - that's not the way you treat someone. As if SIL won't remember the conversation, she was there!

It's not nice to think that because you are pregnant first then you can use the name, it's not a race. One thing to consider is that what of she longs for another DC and it doesn't happen? You have your DC with the same name as a constant reminder? Why would you want to do that to her?

If it was a friend then I'd definitely have the conversation, it would be fine probably but it's the kind thing to do. With family it's different, I don't think that would be wise. Things with babies and families are always awkward, especially if she's not pregnant. Just find another name and make that yours, if I'd asked permission I would always think that it was their name and so would they.

SallyMcgally · 31/08/2014 13:14

But why is it a problem for two grandchildren to have the same name? I have 2 nephews both called Charlie. For a while they were big Charlie and little Charlie. Big Charlie was delighted to have a cousin with the same name.

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