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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To use this name myself?

102 replies

PeanutKitKat · 29/08/2014 10:39

We are expecting DD1 (DC2) in a couple of months. I had a conversation with a friend last year about baby names. Just for context, we are not massively close but get on fairly well, our husbands are very close friends however and we see them at least fortnightly. They have a DS too and I would expect them to try for more kids in the future.

We tipsily shared with each other what we would have picked for girls names first time round. The trouble is, now I really like the name she mentioned. I have read all sorts on here about not being able to reserve names, they may never have a child of that sex etc, but I just wanted to do a sort of straw poll to see realistically how much it would actually bother you if you were my friend in this situation. Am just concerned I'm trying to use all those reasons above to justify it to myself because I really want to use the name.

As an aside, the name is not unusual but in the top 50 for girls names last year.
P.S please be kind, I have not made a final decision yet!

OP posts:
GlaceDragonflies · 30/08/2014 07:59

Use it as a middle name? Whatever name you choose for your DC, they will grow into their name. I have a name that, retrospectively, I wish I'd used but I didn't. My DCs wouldn't suit that name so not having used it is no big deal.

hamptoncourt · 30/08/2014 08:06

I just don't understand what the problem is here.

Why does it matter if your DDs end up with the same name? If it is in the top 50 then they will probably have other friends called "Lily" "Ava" "Sophie" whatever anyway.

If one of my friends had called their child a name I had already chosen I would still call my child that name and not bat an eyelid.

It seems like a huge drama about nothing to me - you have my absolute blessing to use the name OP Grin

waithorse · 30/08/2014 08:13

I really want to know the name.

waithorse · 30/08/2014 08:22

I'd use it.

MissDuke · 30/08/2014 08:27

My sil and I were pregnant at the same time and discussed names - turned out we both had settled on the same girls name. I stayed calm lol and said I would think of something else (my sil was due a few weeks before me anyway). I knew my sil would turn it into a row, and I cannot stand family fallouts. As it goes, she had a girl and used the name, and a few weeks later I had a boy :-) So at least I knew there definitely wouldn't be any hard feelings :-D

It all worked out for the best, it would have been silly if she had not used the name to save it for me, and then I couldn't use it anyway when I ended up having a boy.

However, I KNOW if I had used the name first, sil would have been raging, so very much depends on your friend and how she will take it.

Flangeshrub · 30/08/2014 08:37

I wouldn't. I still feel a bit hurt over a friend using a name I had confided was 'my' girls name. I was pg at the time but had a boy, she used the name for her dd. This was 18 years ago and I had 2 more dds and didn't feel able to use the name.

Yes you can 'share' a name but I find other people close to you using a name taints it. I would never choose a name of a child I knew just because that name has an identity in my head.

hamptoncourt · 30/08/2014 08:38

I think it is totally different if it is family missduke and I would have felt the same as you in the situation.

If it is a name grandparents/other aunties are going to use in a family context then a different name really needs to be found.

Amongst friends I just cannot see why it would be an issue. I have had the same friendship group for 33 years and we are all very close. In fact, one of my friends did call his son the same name as my DS, although I shorted DS first name and he uses the formal whole name ( Like I call DS Mike and he calls his DS Michael but they are both named Michael)

Luckily neither of us ever felt like we "owned" a name.

Hakluyt · 30/08/2014 08:43

I wouldn't.

Myhensareladies · 30/08/2014 08:50

Use it.

Original poster
PeanutKitKat · 30/08/2014 09:02

Ah crap. I'm going to apologise profusely now for an element of drip feeding but was worried about outing myself now or in the future. However, based on the last couple of posts this might actually make a massive difference Blush.

What if my "friend" was actually my SIL? All other info about our relationship is accurate, we get on ok but probably wouldn't be best buddies if we weren't related by marriage. Does this make a difference or would opinions be the same as above?

OP posts:
Rogerthatmummy · 30/08/2014 09:06

In which case you need to ask her. Don't just use it.

Odds on she'll say ok, but if she wouldn't be happy then you are creating a problem for the rest of your life.

Hakluyt · 30/08/2014 09:06

DEFINITELY don't use it then. Definitely.

Hakluyt · 30/08/2014 09:07

You can't ask her. What can she possibly say but go ahead? While secretly seething.

Fishstix · 30/08/2014 09:11

Don't do it. My SIL who is 8 years younger than me mentioned a name I had LOVED for DS as one she would use if she ever had a boy. She's still light years away from having kids, but I still would never have used it. You can't own a name, but you can avoid certain situations to retain familial peace!

Castlemilk · 30/08/2014 09:20

Ooh difficult. I wouldn't just use it. I'd consider two options:

  • Speak to her. You could even fib a little and say that the name was actually your 'secret' very fave name which you didn't want to give away to anyone, and since she said it you'd been in a bit of a dilemma, this had always been top of your list but now you didn't want to use it without explaining to her that you weren't just copying her...and how did she feel about your dds potentially having the same name? Was that really her only first choice...? You never know, she might change her mind every whipstitch on her favourite name and then there wouldn't really be an issue...
  • think very hard about whether this is really THE name for you. I say this because you sound a bit like me - there are lots of names I heard from someone else, or eg on tv which I'd never noticed before - having them introduced to me instead of flipping past them in a baby book brought them mire to my attention iyswim? I'd then love them for a while, but eventually it would wear off. A very useful way to check this,would,be- tell us the name, and the names you had on your list before that. You'll get a million suggestions- move this to baby names- see if you suddenly start falling in love with a few others you've never considered before.

But I wouldn't just use the name now without saying anything.

Castlemilk · 30/08/2014 09:23

Ahh update!! Yes definitely don't just use. But seriously, if you'd never thought of it before she said it, ask here for other suggestions. Could very much be temporary infatuation.

hamptoncourt · 30/08/2014 09:42

That changes everything OP. When I married XH my SIL ( his sister) already had a son with the name I had always wanted to use for a boy since I was much younger.

It made me sad I couldn't use it but I never would have dreamt of doing it.

I think you should ask SIL and note very carefully how she responds. If she has definitely gone off the name then you are good to go, but if she shows any hesitation then I wouldn't.

thegreylady · 30/08/2014 10:03

You have to ask.

Sapat · 30/08/2014 10:16

We had a best friend who called her cat a name I had always liked and was special to me. When we had DD we felt we couldn't use the name. A year later we had massively fallen out, never saw her again and I am now kicking myself.

murmuration · 30/08/2014 10:35

Ask. She might not mind. And if she does, you really can't use it. If it might be a bit of an awkward conversation and you're not sure she'll answer honestly, could maybe your DH ask his brother? (I'm assuming that's the relationship)

Before I was pregnant with DD, DH and I both agreed on a girl's name as top choice. Partway through my pregnancy, and I knew it was a girl, I was looking at one of my very best friend's photos on Facebook and suddenly realised that her DD (about 7 or 8yo at the time) had the same name, spelled the same and everything! We now live on different continents, which is why I hadn't noticed before. I agonised a bit, then asked her if she'd mind. She didn't mind at all. In the end, though, DH and I came up with a name we liked even better in the last month, and used that one. I actually felt a bit weird for not using the name I'd asked permission for.

TeamScotland · 30/08/2014 10:45

Use the name if you want to. My names list second time round was very different from the first. Top 50 name? No qualms at at. You sound lovely for being so considerate but there's no need here.

Jux · 30/08/2014 11:43

Does dh like the name?

I would simply say something like "since You mentioned that name, it has really grown on me, and I wondered how you'd feel if we used it? It could be rather fun if you had a girl with that name too!" (I do have an instance of this among my own cousins - it is usually clear which one we're talking about.)

cheeseandpineapple · 30/08/2014 11:54

Agree with Jux and I also have two cousins with same name both first and surname which I'm guessing would be the case with your SIL that it's not just the first name they'd be sharing? But they lived in different countries so it wasn't anissue.

Sound her out and if you detect she'd be gutted and it might cause an issue, use it as a middle name?

Whilst you're not necessarily that close to your SIL sounds like your DH is close to his brother and he might not want to use the name if his brother favours it too. Have you spoken to him about the name?

MissDuke · 30/08/2014 12:00

Hmmm that def makes it trickier. As I said above, there is no way I would have risked a fallout within the family, and I knew sil would cause a row about it. However I was genuinely ok about letting it go and saying I would pick another name. Everyone is different, so I guess it depends on what your sil is like?

Perhaps it is best to casually mention it to her and see what she says? Or just choose another, there are sooooo many names out there, and it isn't as if it has special meaning to you or anything.

MissDuke · 30/08/2014 12:01

Hamptoncourt, I was going to post to say you are right until I saw the op's update - fair point that it being family makes it different to friends!

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