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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To use this name myself?

102 replies

PeanutKitKat · 29/08/2014 10:39

We are expecting DD1 (DC2) in a couple of months. I had a conversation with a friend last year about baby names. Just for context, we are not massively close but get on fairly well, our husbands are very close friends however and we see them at least fortnightly. They have a DS too and I would expect them to try for more kids in the future.

We tipsily shared with each other what we would have picked for girls names first time round. The trouble is, now I really like the name she mentioned. I have read all sorts on here about not being able to reserve names, they may never have a child of that sex etc, but I just wanted to do a sort of straw poll to see realistically how much it would actually bother you if you were my friend in this situation. Am just concerned I'm trying to use all those reasons above to justify it to myself because I really want to use the name.

As an aside, the name is not unusual but in the top 50 for girls names last year.
P.S please be kind, I have not made a final decision yet!

OP posts:

DeWee · 29/08/2014 12:31

It does depend on what was said: if it was "I am going to use Jezubel"and you didn't say anything, then I don't think you can.
If you responded with "I love that too, that's one of our top names too!"
Then fine use it.

If she said "We've got Jezubel, Bathsheba and Richenda on our list" then I would casually mention to her that you and dp were discussing names and your top ones are "Jezubel, Yvette and Posy".

MehsMum · 29/08/2014 12:36

Another vote for just asking her if she'd mind. One of my DC has an unusual name and a friend asked if we'd mind if they used it for their next DC. We didn't, at all.

Surfsup1 · 29/08/2014 12:48

I'm planning on asking my cousin if she minds if I use her name (I'll probably ask her parents too). I'm pretty confident they won't say no even if they think it's odd, but at least I'll always be able to say I asked first.

If they DO say no then I've avoided a very awkward family dynamic.

Judo123 · 29/08/2014 12:49

Do NOT use it

I used totally original names for my three kids first names and no other person I have ever met in reality has those names (Though I have heard slight variations of the names but only on TV....never in real life.

I chose names that reflect the mixed culture of my family so it was a lot easier to find something different.

Sunna · 29/08/2014 12:51

I wouldn't.

LumpenproletariatAndProud · 29/08/2014 12:52

If you want to piss a friend off then use it.

Pastperfect · 29/08/2014 12:54

I wouldn't personally.

Although it dies a bit depend on the name....

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 29/08/2014 13:24

When I was pregnant with ds we were down to two choices which we both liked. One I slightly preferred and one dh slightly preferred. Both top 50, classical, one in every class type names.

The name dh liked was the same one as an old friend of mine's baby ds so I emailed my friend and asked her opinion making it really clear that if she wasn't happy we wouldn't use it and that was fine - or even convenient - as we couldn't choose between two names and it would be nice to have someone else make the decision for us.

She replied and said that she was fine with it and that actually if she had had a girl they had dd's name on their short list!

When ds was born he very much looked like that name so I gave in and we went with it. 9 months later another friend called their son Y X Surname where our son is X Y Surname. Our surnames are also very similar. (Think Smith and Smithson.) doesn't bother me. It's just what happens if you pick a reasonably common name.

Heels99 · 29/08/2014 13:29

Was she really tipsy, given she is pregnant this is unlikely. I wouldn't copy the name.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 29/08/2014 13:40

I would ask her if she was still set on the name TBH.

With my DD, we changed our minds about her name several times during the pregnancy. I dare say any name I had mentioned liking a year before even conceiving would have been ruled out long before she arrived .

There is no point missing out on your perfect name if your friend has already gone off it.

Pipbin · 29/08/2014 14:10

Just talk to her about it.

We decided on George years ago and then the damn royals went for it. I might phone HM the Q and have a word.

quietbatperson · 29/08/2014 14:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CromerSutra · 29/08/2014 15:13

I know what you mean, this can be awkward. I have to admit my Dd's name WAS very unusual when I was pregnant. Then suddenly there were millions of them! I was quite pissed off but what can you do?!

In your friend's position I must admit I would be a bit pissed off but it's true she has no claim on it! Ask her I guess!

CromerSutra · 29/08/2014 15:15

I had a friend who wanted to use the same middle name as her SIL had for her DS. SIL said no way! I did think that was ridiculous!

TinklyLittleLaugh · 29/08/2014 15:22

My best friend was pregnant at the same time as me. I had a boy then she had a girl and blatantly stole my girl name. I had a daughter 20 months later and, 18 years on, it still rankles to be honest.

Goldmandra · 29/08/2014 15:31

You're choosing how your DD will be identified dozens of times a day for the whole of her life and you'll be using it for the rest of yours.

Why on earth wouldn't you just choose the name that feels right just because someone you know might also want to use it? If she hadn't said it you would no doubt have thought of it or seen it in a list at some point anyway.

Two children with the same name who see each other once a fortnight isn't really a problem.

Rainbunny · 29/08/2014 16:44

Well no one has ownership over a name, but irrational as it is your friend might well feel miffed that you "stole" her name.

I always planned to call a future daughter "Sophia" and I didn't share that with anyone. Then my girlfriends got to the baby stage (beating me to that by years) and suddenly there are half a dozen Sophia's running around. I'm not kidding, Sophia is the most popular bloody name for girls in my neck of the woods! I was secretly (and highly irrationally) a bit miffed that everyone was using "my" name - so stupid I know! Since that name has become so ubiquitous I'm actually happy to go with other names now in the event that I have a daughter.

Original poster

PeanutKitKat · 29/08/2014 17:59

Thanks for all the replies. Thinking back, it was definitely the only name she mentioned, not one of several possibles like we had. I suppose there's a chance that she wouldn't be that bothered and you're right, the only way to know is to ask her - that could be an awkward conversation in itself . In response to some of the posters, yes I agree it would be different if I had said "Yes, me too!" when she mentioned it but I didn't. It's only really been on my radar since I heard it from her. Think that's why I feel a bit cheeky.

Trying to decide how I would feel if I was in her shoes, but I'm not exactly unbiased!

OP posts:

ApocalypseNowt · 29/08/2014 18:06

Do you see them every fortnight Pipbin...?

Alisvolatpropiis · 29/08/2014 18:54

What is the name? If it's top 50 then you could easily have heard it elsewhere beforehand.

I probably wouldn't use it. My best friend and I recently had a mental- totally normal conversation about names and I told her if she used my favourite girls name I'd stick bamboo slivers under her fingernails. I was joking about the torture but would be massively annoyed. Not least because it is not a very common name. Out of the top 200.

TeaFor6 · 29/08/2014 23:32

For me it would depend on what she said when she mentioned the name:

"I've always wanted to name my daughter X" / "If we have a daughter we will definitley call her X" I wouldn't use it.

Anything less I would probably ask her about it, particularaly as it's a coomon name and you aren't that close.

I get what you're saying about only considering it after hearing it from her, but could you turn it around? I.e. Compliment her on her fantastic taste and brilliant suggestion that has inspired the name of your daughter (worth a try)

sykadelic · 30/08/2014 03:33

Friend of mine called her baby the name of my dog, uses the same nickname too and it's just weird. It's not that I feel it's been stolen, I just feel weird mentioning my dog to her/on my FB.

Honestly, if she'd never told you the name was one of her choices you'd not think anything of using it. It's only by telling you that this is an issue. So ask/mention it if you like, but I'd mention it more in a "just telling you its one of our options" way instead of seeking permission.

She might tell you to use it and not really mean it (and be bitter). She might genuinely have no problem. She might tell you no but then never have a girl.

Coughle · 30/08/2014 03:45

Maybe she'll secretly start telling your daughter to call her Mummy! I think there was a thread like that once.

polomoomin · 30/08/2014 07:50

If you were tipsy and it was a year ago are you sure she'll even remember what name she said? It's possible also that over that time she's changed her mind.

It does depend on whether she was just mentioning she liked that name along with other names or whether it's her favourite name of all time and if they ever have a girl they'll definitely call her that though. If the latter I doubt she'll have forgotten and you'd look pretty spiteful. If the former then I wouldn't hesitate to use it, especially since it's a common name anyway so I'm sure a lot of people she knows/hears of also use it.

Fwiw I had a real issue with people using DC1s name. There was a girl I vaguely knew who used his middle name in a shortened version as the first name and then his first name as a middle name. So to give example DS was Oliver Michael, she called her DS Mikey Oliver. It did piss me the fuck off, I'll be honest. I put a lot of thought into his name, it took me almost a year to decide on it after all and it's not overly common. But I got over myself and with Dc2 and 3 couldn't give a shit if anyone shares their names. I was so bad with dc1 I didn't like hearing other kids with the same name in general... Not sure what happened to me, felt very territorial over it- "IT'S MY NAME." .

So for context she may not be so bothered about it since it's not PFB.

cansu · 30/08/2014 07:57

Let's say you use it and then a year later she also uses it. How would you feel?

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