to be annoyed with friend for pretending to be poor

[cobpol]

Hi,

Over the years a certain friend has constantly been poor, so they have sat out many group things and bought less rounds in the pub.

I found out yesterday that the reason he is poor is because he allways saved the lions share of his sallery and was actually well off. He bought a house outright at 30 and now is still just as poor as he only works two days a week.

Aibu to think he lied all these years about being poor?

Upfront about savings. Not on your Nelly!

BIL has had his hand out for years, apparently DH is obliged to help him out.

My DF is currently fit to be tied as he hadn't realised how much we had saved, he'd have had his dibs years ago if he had.

We were frugal, we saved, we didn't trot off here there and everywhere, nor did we tap friends and family. But I wouldn't advise honesty. People turn green and hate you for it!

Did your friends and family compromise on what they wanted to do to make sure you were able to afford to join in though, Nomama, under the misapprehension that you didn't have the cash?

And what did your bil want the money for? If he'd genuinely hit hard times and was in need of a helping hand, your frugality and asceticism would not have made you morally superior - not in my eyes, anyway.

If he's a grabbing ne'er do well, then that would have been another story.

Because there is a difference between saying "I can't afford that" and "I don't want to spend that much on that"

Absolutely!

I always use "I can't afford that" when really I want to say "I don't want to spend that much money on that" but that would be hurtful I think.

I can't really see that he's done anything really wrong but I can also see why you're a bit miffed. All I can suggest is that if you want to go somewhere that's more expensive and he doesn't want to join you then go anyway. Up to him if he chooses to miss out.

Ooh! No way. We accepted some invitations, and spent lots of money, or not, as appropriate - holiday abroad, lots of cash, day out to Weston, not so much.

BIL spent years taking the equity out of his house to go on holiday. He wanted DH to give him £20K, the phrase 'It's all right for you' was trotted out again. He then started on 'She' that being me, and how 'She' had ruined DH and had him under the thumb. Oddly it wasn't 'She' who threw him out of the house he had only visited that once in ten years - cos 'She' was at work. Something BILs wife won't contemplate (no kids,2 cats, 2 dogs).

So no, we didn't take anyone's money and we didn't let BIL starve for being nasty. There is a HUGE back story there, as you may have guessed.

I sounded a lot more arsey than I meant to there, nomama

If you leave friends and family in the shit, whilst all the time squireling away £££s, that would be mean (in both senses of the word).

x-posts ! double

YANBU! I have friends that do this but I'm wise to it now. People can do what they want with their money absolutely, but don't lie and say you're skint so that your friends feel guilty and compromise what they want to do. It's not rude to say to friends that you've ploughed all your money into your house/savings etc, and so can't really afford to go out to expensive places. Most people would understand this and then choose to spend time with you doing cheaper stuff if they like your company. They can always do expensive stuff with other people then. It's their choice. For example if a friend spent all her money on designer clothes then said they couldn't come out for a meal, I would say fine and go with someone else, no guilt. If they just said they were skint, I would prob change my plans to avoid leaving them out. My choice on how to spend my money and time has therefore been compromised because of their choices.

We sometimes say we cant afford just means we dont want to money on that dont make out we are poor though or take advantage of anybody, op he is taking the piss but you are all letting him

No, I didn't write the whole double trilogy about BIL, so you couldn't possibly know how ridiculous and entitled he has always been

I suspect that if you asked him he would tell you we are mean, superior, snobby, have forgotten our roots etc. But that really does translate into we just don't think we are obligated to put our hands in our pockets to see him alright. DH has refused to take on their mum's role of immediate bank with no expectations of being paid back!

Just drop him as a mate then, FGS. I can't stand cheap people so don't hang out with them.

Sitting on huge fence .....

You didn't "have" to do anything, cheap holidays in Wales or small meals or extra rounds of drinks.
You may choose to spend money and organise social events such that every budget allows for it. Then you go on the slap-up meals and 5-star holidays yourself.
So, your choice.

Having said that, he's not and possibly never was "poor" just chose to spend & save his money differently to you ..... so if he's deliberately conned you into covering his "poverty" then that's different, and not what I'd expect of a friend.

On the one hand if you weren't subbing him I think fair play. On the other hand, I hate meanesss.

I suppose really, the issue is, did he realise that you were all making compromises for him or buying him an extra drink or whatever as you were under the impression that he had no money rather than because he was saving it all?

Because if he realised and still continued to let you carry on with the wrong impression then that's one thing, if he had no idea you were doing it then that's another.

If he knew you were all compromising and chipping in a bit to help him out, then I think he was wrong to carry on with the "I can't afford it's" and he should have been more clear with "I don't want to spend my money on that" instead.

In fairness, I don't think he has paid off his mortgage just on missing rounds and not eating much, these savings must have permeated all areas of his life.

It's the free drinks and subbing that make me feel that the OP's friend was a freeloader.
When we have been very very skint, and I've had to attemd something with friends, I buy myself a soft drink and nurse it all night.
I worked with someone who would always accept the offer of a bought coffee and never reciprocate. When I found out she was actually loaded, I was very annoyed. Not because I was jealous, but because a freeloader was taking advantage.

I'm torn to be honest. If there is a group of you and you constantly have to fit your plans around his reluctance to spend money that he actually had but choose to save is unfair on his part. If all of you want to book a cottage in Wales but he won't spend the money he shouldn't go on holiday not make the rest of you book a caravan. Yanbu.

I often turn down trips to pub on grounds that I'm 'watching my pennies'. The people who invite me often have less cash than me ... it's a question of priorities though. I'd rather spend my money on other stuff. And a glass of wine in our local is more than £4. You can buy a whole bottle for about that in Lidl.

I think it's a hard one if it has effected you, if you've done shittier group holidays as you were mindful of making sure X could afford it, whereas if you'd known his real fiancial situation, you'd have made plans that you all wanted, knowing that X could afford it and would be chosing not to go if he didn't.

No one wants to be the one who makes things too expensive so that one person can't join it, that's rather different than knowing that one person could afford it but is chosing not to go, that wouldn't mean that he was missing out but chosing not to do it.

(In a similar way, I was annoyed at making plans to go out based round one woman in a group who didn't have much money to go to a restaurant that the rest of us wouldn't have picked but was cheap and near her house, and the date had to be limited because her DH works silly hours, just to have her drop out an hour before hand, and then find out she never intended to come along at all, just say so at the start and we could have picked a date and location that suited everyone else)

And it must take some brass neck to accept drinks from others when you know you can afford to buy your own but you've led them to believe you can't. OK, you could say it was their choice, but a choice to be generous based on a lie.

I would distance myself from him, he's let you arrange several things around suiting him so he didn't have to miss out by lying. That was very selfish.

If all of you want to book a cottage in Wales but he won't spend the money he shouldn't go on holiday not make the rest of you book a caravan

Pretty much sitting on the fence but it is precisely this issue that is the sticking point for me. I can't help thinking that OP and friends are miffed because they wanted a lovely cottage but it could not be afforded without his input, in which case they were expecting to be subsidised by him. I really find it hard to believe that one person can direct the group will in this way otherwise, but I could be terribly terribly wrong.

It's a difficult one. I don't think he was pretending to be poor. If he didn't have money available, then he would have had to be careful with it.

That said, if he hadn't mentioned to you the reason behind his frugality, then this is a bit of a mistake. I would assume that you would have been a bit more understanding if he'd just dropped into conversation that he was saving for a house, and wanted to aim to buy it outright. I think I would be.

I'm in a similar situation at present. Except I'm the one saving. Every month, money comes out of my account and into a high interest savings one. I'm left, after paying my mortgage bills etc, with about £200 a month to live on. I can't get at the money which has been sent to savings without sending a written request to the bank and paying a penalty. I'm saving for a deposit for a house.

I have to be careful with what I'm spending, and will say that I can't afford something if I just don't have the money at present.

Well what I think he did wrong is say he didn't have the money when he did. He just wasn't honest.

I don't think he was lying. He didn't have the disposable money for whatever you fancied. He probably saved a set amount and didn't have much for spending at will.

I'm not jealous, he's in a good position but we have all made compromise to help him get there
Maybe you should have saved the amount he actually helped you save.

It was your choice to go with him or not.
It was your choice to spend your money on other things than saving for a house.
Good for him that he saved. And good for you that you enjoyed what you spent your money on.
Just different perspectives on money.

I did something along these lines too. Although I was very honest to people close to me. I didn't lie to anybody but I did turn down skiing trips and so on the grounds that I couldn't afford it. Easier to say that than 'well, I have a life plan and the truth is, you're just not quite important enough for me to 1) confide in or 2) make an exception and splash some cash.

So...... I understand why you feel duped but I just think he's clever!

Kanye, I'm imagining something like:

Gang: "I've found this lovely cottage overlooking puffins and dolphins and that on the Pembrokeshire coast for only £50 each!"

Kenny Penny Pincher: I can't afford that :sad face: - how about this caravan in Neath for £10 a head?

(Apologies to residents of Neath btw - it was the first town that came into my head and I know nothing about it)

As a friend lose enough to have included him in lots of activities, ,earls and holidays over the years, wouldn't you have known what his job is, and thereby have had an inkling about his salary?