to be annoyed with friend for pretending to be poor

[cobpol]

Hi,

Over the years a certain friend has constantly been poor, so they have sat out many group things and bought less rounds in the pub.

I found out yesterday that the reason he is poor is because he allways saved the lions share of his sallery and was actually well off. He bought a house outright at 30 and now is still just as poor as he only works two days a week.

Aibu to think he lied all these years about being poor?

[LineRunner]

He should have declined the free drinks.

[KleineDracheKokosnuss]

When people bought things for him - did he say "yes please" or was it more of a "no thanks, I'm fine" following which he felt pressured to accept? I suspect that he was happy with his water/one drink.

If he's been actively using you to subsidise him, then YANBU, but from what you've said it sounds more like he was being very careful with money, but you wanted to do things with him, so you decided to do things on the cheap (e.g. the caravan holiday).

[TravellingToad]

Saving money is not "pretending to be poor" that is ridiculous.

If someone chooses to have a side dish not a main or stay in a cheaper holiday accommodation in order to save money that is SENSIBLE not deceptive!

The world is going to the dogs I swear.....

[Vitalstatistix]

What did he do wrong?
if you chose to do only those things that he was willing to put money to, that was your choice.
Did he tell you you could not do expensive things without him? If so, he was wrong and you should have said no.
if he chose to save most of his money because he had a long term plan, then good for him! Look where he is now. He did well. He owns a home and only needs to work part time.

if he asked you to sub him, he was wrong and you should have said no.
if you treated him to things, that was your choice.
if he never said he was poor and you just assumed, you cant blame him for that.

if he told you he cant afford something and you all changed your plans that was very nice of you but again, your choice.

he is in a better position (than you??) because he was wise with his money. What has he done wrong?

you did not HAVE to do anything. You chose to. You could equally have chosen to let him miss things.

if he lied and manipulated to get you all to sub him, then he is an arse. Is that what he did?

[Snapespotions]

Are you a bit jealous, OP?

[Mrsjayy]

He is thrifty frugal sensible good for him we are a bit the same we started off piss poor but we are comfy now, op maybe you should not drink and eat out so much you could save for a nicer holiday

[cobpol]

Well what I think he did wrong is say he didn't have the money when he did. If he had of said I'm saving for the future that would of been fair enough but we countless times didn't go for various things as we thought we would be excluding him as they were expensive. He just wasn't honest.

I'm not jealous, he's in a good position but we have all made compromise to help him get there

[MassaAttack]

I would feel aggrieved if I'd been slumming it repeatedly in order to be inclusive to a friend with a limited income, if I then discovered that they'd been squirrelling away their earnings. YOLO and all that.

[Mrsjayy]

He sounds a bit stingy but you all let him be

[NotTheKitchenAgainPlease]

I'd be annoyed too OP. If he accepts free drinks and implies he is broke then that's quite deceptive of him.

[Zucker]

Well it is the Ops business if she has been subbing him things over the years because she felt sorry for him. I don't blame you for being annoyed OP.

[ilovesooty]

If he said he didn't have the money he obviously meant it was prioritised for other things. He could have had a standing order into a savings account for all you know.
You didn't have to compromise. You chose to.

[ilovesooty]

It's still not her business. She made choices based on assumptions.

[StillFrigginRexManningDay]

He did not ask people to buy him drinks. He did not have the money because he was saving. I wish I had that sort of opertunity to work, live cheap and save. You sound jealous.

[Cabrinha]

He absolutely shouldn't have accepted drinks by pleading poverty, if he did.

But a bit tricky on the cottage v caravan type thing. No-one subbed him. Did everyone else just assume and suggest cheaper? That's not really his fault.

[KleineDracheKokosnuss]

Except he didn't have the money - it had already been accounted for. Saying you don't have the money for X, when your money has already been allocated to Y, is not dishonest. He sounds like he was clear in his own mind how much money was available to him for 'spends' and he would tell you when he didn't have the money to do something that cost more. He didn't have to explain his finances and future plans to you.

From the sounds of it you all chose to make compromises in order to do things with him. That was your choice, and was very nice of you, but it was still your choice.

[StillFrigginRexManningDay]

I would have loads of spending money if I didn't have to pay rent and heating and stuff.

[BranchingOut]

I am not sure where I stand on this one.

On the one hand, if he wants to sit there with a side salad and garlic bread, nursing a glass of water, then I don't see how that affects the rest of you. On the other hand, it might be difficult to feel relaxed as your own steaming plate of food is brought out!

On the holidays, I think this is an important reminder to only agree to things that you are, in yourself, happy to do - there is no point agreeing to the caravan rather than the cottage if you are going to feel peeved about it later. I have learned this from -bitter- experience!

I have a family member who has, despite being qualified in a very well-paying profession, made conscious choices not to earn as much as they could potentially do. She works a minimal amount as the main wage earner and her DH is a full-time student on his second undergraduate degree, qualifying in something with very poor-paying job prospects. So it does irk occasionally when they don't want to go for a family day-trip with a modest entrance fee (when we have travelled a long way to see them, paid for local accommodation and it clearly falls under the bracket of 'special day out') or they ask for baby items to be 'passed on' to them in a rather grabby way. On the other hand, I want to see this family member and would rather pay for the entrance fees somewhere or treat them to a meal than not see them at all - in fact, a year or so ago, I made a decision to begin doing that, rather than put up with half-hearted, less than enjoyable experiences. Then again, our family budget is good so I appreciate that this is not an option open to everyone .

[Zucker]

Is that not how friendship works though. He let her believe he was broke, so as a friendship group when they wanted to go to somewhere nice they considered him and the situation he had led them to believe he was in i.e. broke and they all, as friends, didn't want him to be left out so went somewhere cheap and cheerful. All the while he's squirrelling away the cash and misleading them to the true situation.

For sure it would make me view the friendship in another light.

[WeHateAmy]

I think I can see where you are coming from OP. Are you saying you feel tricked by him?

Because there is a difference between saying "I can't afford that" and "I don't want to spend that much on that" I think.

If your group is constantly scaling down plans to accommodate him, as you were all under the impression he meant the first when really he meant the second, I can see how you might feel you have missed out on certain things because of him now.

But all you can do about it is now go ahead with the plans as you would like them to be and leave him to decide if he can afford them or not and if he wants to pay more to join you.

Just don't hold back on arrangements from now on, if you want the theatre instead of the cinema once in a while leave it up to him to decide if he wants to pay the extra or miss out this one time. Don't change the plans completely to a DVD at home just to suit him anymore, that sort of thing. It won't hurt to scale up as well as down once in a while, with the majority of the time suiting everyone's budget.

[Nanny0gg]

Why couldn't he just say that he was saving and didn't want to spend the money?

That way, the friends could do the activities they wanted without feeling they were leaving him out.

[MassaAttack]

It wasn't really an informed choice, though.

If he'd had a really expensive hobby that you all knew about and then said that he couldn't afford to stay somewhere nice, it would be more honest.

[BlackeyedSusan]

saving fine. though one should be upfront about it. if he is not buying rounds, he should not accept rounds.. etc. if you are saving, you don't rely on others to help you out.

[BlackeyedSusan]

I am always up front with people that we are shortof income but have savings for an emergency. I will need alternative housing at somepoint in the future as dd and ds can not share a room indefinitely.

[StillFrigginRexManningDay]

I don't think what you do with your money is anyone but the households business. I don't know my friends financial situations. if my friends say they cannot afford something I take it as that.