to be annoyed with friend for pretending to be poor

[cobpol]

Hi,

Over the years a certain friend has constantly been poor, so they have sat out many group things and bought less rounds in the pub.

I found out yesterday that the reason he is poor is because he allways saved the lions share of his sallery and was actually well off. He bought a house outright at 30 and now is still just as poor as he only works two days a week.

Aibu to think he lied all these years about being poor?

[jessym]

Frugality is fine. Admirable, even.

Not paying your share on social occasions, and expecting others to pay for you is most definitely not fine. I would not put up with this sort of behaviour, and would confront the person about it.

I'm surprised that this person is male. In my experience, most blokes have a pretty low tolerance for this sort of thing, and a 'mate' who behaved like this wouldn't remain a mate for long.

[daisychain01]

I would feel the same way as you, cobpol so YANBU.

Unfortunately there are some people who are genuinely as tight as a duck's sphincter. It is admirable to be a saver, to be responsible enough to save money for a house etc, but it's a different matter going on a night out eating a lettuce leaf and a small glass of water. Why not just stay at home? It just feels like the person isn't getting into the spirit of the evening, and it's quite off-putting.

[JADS]

Branching out Yes, tedious is a great description. Their behaviour is really wearing. There is so much subtext as well to it. Sometimes, I would just wish they would come and admit that they are tight and selfish. If they were generous in other ways, it would be forgivable, but they aren't.

Thank you for this thread op. It's been cathartic for me at least.

[JADS]

Sorry, just to add. Don't get me wrong, I'm a saver. My parents are careful with money. There is an extra dimension to this type of behaviour which is really hard to put your finger on.

[BranchingOut]

JADS - they sound really tedious!

[BranchingOut]

I think that the elderly can sort of be excused this though, because although they may have built up savings over the years - they are never going to earn any more so they might be frightened of frittering it away, being conned etc. Therefore they often tend to spend less then they actually can afford.

Although your Aunt does rather take the biscuit!

[JADS]

My dh was a bit like the man in the op as a student. Never bought a round, always suggesting the cheapest possible solution that benefited him the most. Once he graduated, Dh wasn't allowed to get away with that behaviour as his best friend earned the same as he did. Don't get me wrong, he is still careful with his cash, but isn't mean in the same way.

His behaviour is entirely learnt from his parents who squirrel money away like it is going out of fashion. We got married in their home town. It was cheaper and nicer than either the area where we or my parents lived. There were 2 possible venues for the wedding - one in walking distance of their house, one a taxi ride away. They made a huge fuss about choosing the first venue, the whole underlying subtext was that they didn't want to pay £20 for a taxi. We paid for fil to wear a hired suit to the wedding as he didn't want to buy a new one. Mil had planned to wear an outfit that was 30 years old until one of her friends guilted her into getting something new; she wore it to ds christening instead! They invited themselves to my mum's birthday meal. Between me and my 2 sisters, we planned to pay for my parents. The bill ended up being split 3 ways with my pil keeping quiet and not paying a penny. Needless to say they are loaded, but don't really have any friends.

There is a very fine line between being careful and meanness. We don't know much about the op's friend. My pil would never plead poverty directly, but there is a subtle undertone of being 'poor teachers'. It's that deceitfulness which grates on me and I wonder if it's the same in the case of the op.

[whiteblossom]

I had a friend like this. Always pleading poverty "im on benefits, Ive got a kid to bring up/single parent, not a spare penny, cant afford dinner for you too (fucking soup!) blah blah blah"

I thought she was a good friend so I would treat her to take-aways/cinema/drive her around etc. Only to find out she had booked a SIX week holiday abroad. She didn't tell me she was saving for a holiday, that would have outed her as a sneaky bitch who used me.

It was the leather sofa and flat screen telly turning up that made me finally realise what a mug I was.

It all depends on how he went about it. Did it end up costing you/mates money that otherwise you wouldn't have spent? Did he say he was broke? Or do you just feel he was plain sneaky about it.

[MassaAttack]

Christ on a charitably maintained bike, Where!

[WhereDoAllTheCalculatorsGo]

Ah, my late Aunt did this. Always pleading poverty and going on about being 'on benefits'. She had the lovely ladies from the church fetching, carrying and paying for things for her! Even her cleaning lady only charged her £3.50 an hour because she felt sorry for her.
£180 000 in her current account when she died. all mine now

[HaroldLloyd]

I agree. Mary, I might not change my plans if someone is saving and I wouldn't buy them drinks, if a friend is really skint I would happily buy a few drinks.

When I decide to go for a meal/a holiday that's also money I am spending that I might have saved, and I have made the decision to spend it.

[Ilovenicesoap]

Being frugal fine,being frugal but expecting others to sub you =tight freeloader.I suspect we all know one -it's my brother-in-law. I could tell you a story that would make your jaw drop but it would out me !

[MaryWestmacott]

Oh and sadly, the worse part of someone being like this is when their friends realise, those people are less likely to treat other people they hear are struggling, stuff like this hardens you to other people in need because they might also be taking the piss/just being cheap.

[MaryWestmacott]

Lapsed- I know blokes who "work in IT" who earn £150k a year, and ones "who work in IT" earning less than £25k a year. I know a secretary who earns £60k a year, and I've seen jobs advertised as "secretary" paying £18k.

I would not presume to know someone's wage purely off their job title.

I've been in groups who have down graded plans to suit the budgets of those who were skint. I've bought drinks and quietly subsidised people who I've known were struggling. If I'd known someone could afford a "better" holiday, I'd probably let them just not come, whereas knowing they couldn't afford it would get me to down grade it, it's the difference between the group excluding someone by doing something one member can't afford and the one member of the group excluding themselves by deciding they'd rather spend the money elsewhere. It's not on to make everyone else feel they were doing the former do they change their plans, when actually it's the latter.

[MassaAttack]

FIngers crossed, now his outgoings are so low he'll be treating everyone to group trips to Barry Barbados

[HaroldLloyd]

Accepting drinks and things paid for you isn't on,

However general frugality on his part shouldn't bother you.

I suppose I would be a bit annoyed if I had changed holidays to suit him thinking he was very skint, when that wasn't the case.

If he had said I don't want to spend x in a meal or holiday that's fine, but then everyone wouldn't have to change their plans.

[HavanaSlife]

Mrsr but he didn't say that did he, he gave the impression that he couldn't afford a cottage and by the sounds of it lots of other activities. So the op and other friends have gone for cheaper options over the years to include him.

If he'd been honest and said he had the money but was saving it would have been different

[expatinscotland]

Just don't hang out with tight gits. If he is expecting people to buy him rounds them tell him NO.

We had a guy like this in a circle of friends and we just never let him away with it.

[alemci]

3 bears I have a friend a bit like that who always expects you to sub you and is really mercenary about money and what she can extract from others. I don't go out with her like I used to.

[msrisotto]

Nah, I reckon YABU. So he doesn't want to spend loads of money on renting a cottage when a caravan will do? So what? He is entitled to spend his money the way he choses. Presumably you would prefer to have him there than chose an activity that he isn't willing to attend.

If you feel resentful about curtailing more costly experiences to include him, offer him the opportunity and go ahead with it whether he attends or not.

[XiCi]

I know a couple of wankers like this. Saving all their money and expecting you to fund their nights out buy buying rounds etc. Being tight is a most unattractive fault. I avoid them like the plague now. Your friend will probably be sat lonely on his lovely house when people realise what he's like. You and your friends have contributed to that house by your generosity and his sneakiness.

[The3Bears]

I wouldn't be bothered if the person was saving money and it didn't affect myself, I just wouldn't invite them out if I felt like they didn't really want to go.
However I have a friend who is constantly 'skint' I find myself turning down her invites out now since she asked if i'd like to go for a drink with her and have a catch up so I said yes, she came round picked me up when we arrived there she said 'oh can you get me a drink I'm skint' who does that? added to the fact I only had £10 as I left my bank card at home I was slightly annoyed.
Now I just roll my eyes whenever she says she's skint as she's on a night out every weekend or away in some hotel somewhere, constantly buying expensive, tacky things and gloating about them meanwhile saying she's too skint to afford a round so everyone else feels obliged to get her a drink.
I find myself making excuses now whenever somethings arranged with everyone as I'm fed up of having to pay for someone else all the time.
I sound like a terrible friend but I'm honestly not it just gets annoying after a few years!

[Edenviolet]

DM does this. Constantly says she has no money makes db or someone else pick up milk/tea bags etc etc for her as has "no money". Goes on that she always wears same clothes etc, does no maintenance to the house but actually has thousands in the bank and investments yet is so mean she does things like charge me the taxi fare when dd was really ill in hosp and she had to rush over to look after other dcs.
Tells anyone who will listen she has no money and its ridiculous

[MassaAttack]

Obviously I had to Google. Neath looks lovely

I was thinking more like this: