To feel this holiday should not go ahead?

[juditz]

My mum is receiving cancer treatment -radiotherapy for cancer. She's recovering from major surgery but is OK for now. Anyway, my brother-in-law and I sat in on the meeting last wednesday (my sister at work). The treatment is scheduled for next few weeks. During the meeting, my brother-in-law piped up with 'we're going on holiday on September' (regarding my sister and him) in quite a firm tone.

My mum is 79 and they live close by. I can of course visit my mum but I know she'd prefer my other sister (brother-in-law's wife) to be around. I don't begrudge this; it's just the way it is.

It's an aggressive cancer. The treatment will be intensive and they have grown up children, are quite wealthy and can go on holiday at some other point.

I don't know -maybe I am being unreasonable but I just think the way he piped up with this in the meeting was quite thoughtless. AIBU? Genuine question.

And I'm thinking, well the sooner she has treatment the better?

Maybe your sister would be able to see that it's not her fault if it does have a negative impact. You need to get your head round that too so you can support her and point it out clearly to your mother. There is no doubt about that fact. It would not be her fault.

It would not be her fault.

I think DS should go, and I would go if in her place. Mainly for this reason:

Boysclothes your mums treatment and subsequent treatments might go on for years

I also think it is incredibly manipulative to put your sister in this position. We had a similar situation where it was my mum and dad due to go on holiday when there was a significant illness in the holiday. They went, after persuasion. We had to persuade them to go, but we wanted them to go and recharge as we knew we were all in for a long haul.

Having said that, your sister won't enjoy her holiday now anyway so she may as well stay at home, resentful.

Your poor sister. You should be encouraging her to have a break, not finding reasons why she shouldn't.

And you should step up to the plate with your mother, whether she wants it or not, so that you sister can go with peace of mind. After all, she'll have all the crap to deal with when she gets back.

Sounds a very difficult situation- not least because of the family dynamics.

The urgency for radiotherapy depends on the type and site of the cancer. With some cancers it's not unusual to wait for several weeks before starting RT.

Has it been explained to her that she's unlikely to develop any side effects during the first week - 10 days of treatment (unless she's having chemo alongside when she might feel rough from the start).

Agree with Annie that the urgency of radiotherapy isn't always, well, urgent. My Drs would have been quite happy with me going off on holiday before starting, if I'd got that booked. It might not be any concern whatsoever to the Drs if it starts a couple of weeks later than first mentioned.
Secondly, I agree with all those saying it's not your Sister, nor your BiL who are delaying the treatment, it's your Mum who is choosing to do that. If she's always that insistent your sister is the one that's there fore her every day (when she also has you) then I think it's quite right that your sister gets a break from that.

There's certainly no reason to cancel an imminent holiday.

Very tough situation. It's really off for your mother to put your sister in this position. Give your sister your wholehearted blessing to go on holiday, and reassure your mum you will support her as needed during radiotherapy. Chances are she will be ok ish during the early part of it anyway. Don't take any nonsense.

NB I've had a serious cancer myself. I will probably die of it or at least with it. Still on treatment: I would never think of manipulating any of my family like this. Alas, there are limits to playing the cancer card and this is way beyond it. No excuse.

My mother has terminal cancer. It has progressed over the past 6 years and is now heading into final stages. They recently discovered a brain tumour just before I was due to go away for a week. I thought long and hard about whether I should go but in end I really needed that time away. I was exhausted and my own mental health was starting to suffer. I made the judgement that even though it was a difficult time she has others that can support her for a week and she needed me to be able to support her for the next few months and my father for the next few years.

So yes, I went and I think your sister should go to. She needs to take time for herself so she can be there for her mum in the longer term.

Now the fact that your mum is guilt tripping her about it is a separate issue and I think your mum is being very cruel to be honest.

If any of you lot were in my sister's position, would YOU go on holiday given the circumstances?

If there really wasn't anyone else to support your mum - I mean nobody at all - then no, I wouldn't go

But that's not the case here, is it? I'm deeply sorry to hear about the illness and hope for good news for you all, but I'm afraid I agree that your mum is being extremely manipulative. Frankly, the one I really admire is your BIL for looking out for his wife like this; he must be an absolute godsend

And if your mum claims in future that another 10 days might have given her a "better chance" ?? Well yes - given the current suggestion of emotional blackmail I'd quite expect that ... but it hardly seems right for anyone to organise their lives around the possibility of an unkind and untruthful remark, does it?

I posted earlier, but I've been thinking about you and your sister today.
Just after I was diagnosed with BC last year, my parents in law were due to go backpacking (!) round the world for four months. They felt bad about going, but I wouldn't have forgiven myself if they'd stayed.
Apart from anything else, it meant that they were ready and keen to offer support and take the pressure my mum and DH when they came back.
I also odd radiotherapy alone - I have three children six and under and I needed the childcare more than the company!

People often say things like this before they really register the seriousness of something.

Relative being ill can be used for travel insurance I think - this sounds like something serious enough for that? Might be worth mentioning?

Your sis needs to tell your mum very firmly that she's having the treatment and she'll be there for her when she gets back. I thinks a bit emotionally manipulative of your mum actually

Yup.

Seems you agree too OP?
My sister is the one she wants around, not me

I reckon your sister probably needs a holiday.

Knowing that your mum said that on the day that their 8 year old died confirms my initial suspicion above that it is your mum being manipulative.

I've told this before, but when I called my mother to say that my unborn baby had died (not entirely unexpected, we'd been having weekly scans as she wasn't expected to survive to term), her only response was, "I can't really chat right now. I'm in Costa having a coffee."

As I said earlier, if your mother chooses to delay radiotherapy, it is your mother's choice and her own responsibility and your sister should not take on any of the guilt that your mother tries to throw on her.

I still can't believe she actually went on holiday, either.

Perhaps there is an element of 'eff her' about my bil, which is understandable. He's no well of love for her.

Sometimes you get what you give. Ironically, had my mum been kinder and NOT manipulative and said, 'I'll have the treatment when you're away, go have a good time', they'd WANT to be with her and cancel the holiday of their own volition!

Where was my mother when they needed her?

But you're all absolutely right; it is my MOTHER'S decision to delay the treatment for 10 days-if she REALLY wanted it, she'd have it in their absence.

She IS manipulative. This thread has been an eye-opener.

Nothing more to say but thanks for replies.

I think your sister will need your support during your mum's treatment as well as a lot seems to be expected of her. Whether or not your mum had cast your sister in the carer role I think it would be an idea for you & your sister to share out visits between you & just tell your mum that's what's happening. Otherwise your sister is going to end up on her knees.

Good for you OP. I was going to say that your mother, regardless of her illness, sounds like a complicated, manipulative woman with an unhealthy relationship to both you and your sister.

What support is your mother expecting during radiotherapy? Emotional support or practical support such as lifts to hospital?
What type of cancer has your mom, as radiotherapy has different side effects on different parts of the body. I can only speak for breast cancer, where first few weeks is easy going.
Also, what does her oncologist / radiologist say about the delay?
I wanted to push out my radiotherapy out 2 weeks until after Easter school holidays, but Radiologist didn't want to, as 3 weeks between chemo and rads is best practice. So I went every day during the hols...

I think your Mother is bloody lucky your sister has done anything for her.

Her 8 years old child died, suddenly, and she buggered off the next week on her holiday.

No, I would not be martyring myself for someone like that.

Sometimes you know the truth deep down but you need someone to help you see it, OP.

What are you are you and your sister going to do to support each other?