To feel this holiday should not go ahead?

[juditz]

My mum is receiving cancer treatment -radiotherapy for cancer. She's recovering from major surgery but is OK for now. Anyway, my brother-in-law and I sat in on the meeting last wednesday (my sister at work). The treatment is scheduled for next few weeks. During the meeting, my brother-in-law piped up with 'we're going on holiday on September' (regarding my sister and him) in quite a firm tone.

My mum is 79 and they live close by. I can of course visit my mum but I know she'd prefer my other sister (brother-in-law's wife) to be around. I don't begrudge this; it's just the way it is.

It's an aggressive cancer. The treatment will be intensive and they have grown up children, are quite wealthy and can go on holiday at some other point.

I don't know -maybe I am being unreasonable but I just think the way he piped up with this in the meeting was quite thoughtless. AIBU? Genuine question.

And I'm thinking, well the sooner she has treatment the better?

What treatment is she having?

What does your sister think?

your dsis should go on holiday. you will be more than capable of taking your mum to radiotherapy for 20mins a day for 10 days. I've just done the same with my mum and the travel and waiting around is a pain but the treatment itself is usually straightforward. it'll be good for everyone to see you as the capable adult that I'm sure you are.

Difficult as it is to hear I think it's your DM who is controlling your sister and trying to guilt trip her out of the holiday when there is an alternative, perfectly reasonable caring arrangement in place. It sounds like your BIL is trying to protect his wife and carers sometimes do need someone to look out for them or they can give up everything to caring.

Didn't think that this was going to be a striaghtforward aibu. .

One question, though, if any of you lot were in my sister's position, would YOU go on holiday given the circumstances? Hard to imagine perhaps, but would you?

If there was no alternative then no, I wouldn't go on holiday but this treatment will last longer than the 10 days your sister will be away so I'd say your mother should start the treatment ASAP and you can cover the time your sister is away.

My mum (85) delayed radiotherapy for a couple of weeks, because she wanted me to visit for a week with my DD before it started, so she'd not feel knackered/ill while we were there. The radio had been delayed anyway as her op recovery took longer than expected (mastectomy ). I couldn't visit with DD until school holiday.

However, on the day we were leaving my mum admitted that she was actually more scared of the radiotherapy than the operation, so had used our visit as an excuse to delay more treatment and hospital visits.

See they go on loads of holidays, have grown-up children and have lots of dosh-not a judgement, just a matter of fact.

If YOUR mum was in this position, would you go?

See apart from the guilt-tripping and need for a break, I could see it coming back to me in the form of, 'If you hadn't gone on holiday, I'd have had treatment sooner and may still have a chance'.

Now I know some say that 10 days make no difference-I don't know, I'm not a medical person, I know that human nature is like that.

Hmmm. There's several issues going on here aren't there?

Firstly (and I speak from some experience since my DH has been having cancer treatment for the last 18 months) I would expect your DM's oncologist to be the person who sets the deadlines. Regardless of holiday plans. If it is vital to start radiotherapy immediately then the oncologist will make this very clear indeed. The oncologist will put their patient first so did he or she question the potential delay when your BIL mentioned the holiday?

Secondly, I wouldn't underestimate the need for a holiday before the treatment starts (if this doesn't endanger the potential success of it) since radiotherapy is usually a lengthy course of daily treatment. If you don't happen to live next door to the hospital then a surprising amount of time will be spent there given that the actual radiotherapy only takes a matter of minutes. Life WILL be put on hold for everyone involved in supporting your DM.

Thirdly, your DM will need to accept that you are all in this together regardless of who she thinks she prefers to provide support. It's not fair of her to put the load entirely onto your sister and perhaps this is another reason why your BIL is determined that she gets a break now.

Probably not because of the emotional guilt being poured on. I would carry on and on until I broke and was no good to anyone and needed help myself. Which is why she is lucky to have someone looking out for her.

Your mother doesn't have to delay her treatment. You are there to help. She is choosing to.

My grandpa died of cancer, my dad and our side of the family did the bulk of the care for him. We had a holiday booked which fell when he was ill and in the middle of treatment. My grandfather insisted we went and he was right too, we needed the break. Caring for someone with cancer is draining and the people doing that care need to look after themselves

I don't think a holiday of 10 days will make a huge difference to the cancer. I probably would go on the holiday but would tell my mother off for delaying the treatment instead of allowing someone else to take her.

My SIL has just been away while MIL had surgery for cancer treatment and nobody minded as she has had a tough year taking MIL to many her hospital appointments but then my MIL isn't selfish or manipulative towards her family.

I reply to your last post, yes I would go on a prebooked holiday. Just as I didn't take DD out of school to go and stay with my mum earlier. I live 400 miles away and had already been down several times, including 2 weeks to look after her post op.

If the cancer proves to be terminal for your mum then there's a chance that it will prove difficult for your sister to get a holiday in the coming months/years. And looking after someone who is dying is fucking hard.

There is also the issue that my sister and her husband sadly had a child who got killed aged 8 in a road accident. On the day it happened, my dh and I were with my mum and she asked if it was OK for her to go on holiday the following week. I couldn't quite believe that she said it but she did go.

Which shocked me a bit I must say.

If I was an only child I wouldn't go but in your circs I would. I do the lions share of caring but I have no problems asking one of my sibs to step up if needs be. I do live closest (still over 200 miles away) but there is plenty of time to make other arrangements. The one who annoys me most is my bro in Australia. I know it's a long way but he has fab holidays while I spend my annual leave in hospitals or doing Mum's garden or decorating etc. It wouldn't kill him to stop hand wringing for a minute and get on a plane.

My Mum has had cancer twice and is in her late '70s

If my Mum decide to delay treatment because she wanted me more than she wanted my siblings then I would tell her to take a look at herself and wouldn't feel a scrap of guilt if her decision led to a worse outcome. She's old and sick but she's not stupid. If she couldn't have the treatment then it would be one thing but to choose not to is quite another.

My friend recently went on holiday and put her dying father in a nursing home for respite while she was gone. She had been looking after him night and day for months and was on her knees. I don't blame her a bit.

I'm going to keep out of it-other than offering support-because things are coming back to me that my mother hasn't always been supportive of them. Keep my oar out, not a black-and-white issue, after all.

Thanks.

One question, though, if any of you lot were in my sister's position, would YOU go on holiday given the circumstances? Hard to imagine perhaps, but would you?

No.

So your mother favours your sister and even when faced with dying, still puts the focus on here?

OP - have you actually offered to take holiday and look after her? What did she say when you offered? Surely if you did this at the meeting she could hardly say no?

One thing I don't understand is, why is a 10 day holiday that important?

Genuine question. I rarely take holidays (as in, time away). I enjoy them when I go, but I don't miss them if I don't have them.

And a parent with cancer would be, for me, more important.

I've offered to be there but as I've said before, she wants MY sister there, not me.

She's effectively emotionally blackmailing them, really, I see that now. Yet she went on holiday when their child died.

From the point of view of how your sister can consider it you may have found your answer op.

Wow your mum did that to your sister?

No wonder her H is insisting that your sister puts herself first.

If you had posted that bit before then even my 'yes I would cancel the holiday' would have changed.

No bloody way when it is not necessary for her to delay and someone else can pick up the slack.

Your poor bloody sister.

But, at the end of the day, it is up to my sister.

I'd prefer it if she stayed for her sake really because I just know that she is a good person and know my mum will blame her if the treatment gets delayed and she doesn't recover and she'' feel bad.

It will be like, 'you went away, that 10 days may have made a difference' May well there's no denying that it may make a difference.

Better to lose 10 days now and have that guilt thrown on her.

Hopefully, she'll see this herself, but I ain't going to push it.

After your recent thread it sounds like your BIL has not forgotten that your Mum went away straight after they had lost their child, perhaps he is now thinking she reaps what she sows? I don't know, but it does also smack of manipulation on your mothers part. And no, I don't think I would accept any blame from your mother if her delaying the treatment caused it to be terminal.

I really feel for you and your sister (and BIL by extension). DM sounds horrifically selfish and manipulative, and DSis probably needs/deserves a break.