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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel this holiday should not go ahead?

118 replies

juditz · 25/08/2014 11:38

My mum is receiving cancer treatment -radiotherapy for cancer. She's recovering from major surgery but is OK for now. Anyway, my brother-in-law and I sat in on the meeting last wednesday (my sister at work). The treatment is scheduled for next few weeks. During the meeting, my brother-in-law piped up with 'we're going on holiday on September' (regarding my sister and him) in quite a firm tone.

My mum is 79 and they live close by. I can of course visit my mum but I know she'd prefer my other sister (brother-in-law's wife) to be around. I don't begrudge this; it's just the way it is.

It's an aggressive cancer. The treatment will be intensive and they have grown up children, are quite wealthy and can go on holiday at some other point.

I don't know -maybe I am being unreasonable but I just think the way he piped up with this in the meeting was quite thoughtless. AIBU? Genuine question.

And I'm thinking, well the sooner she has treatment the better?

OP posts:
MrSheen · 25/08/2014 11:59

Have you considered that sometimes your sister may begrudge the fact that she has to do all the caring?

^^ this

My sibs would never say that they didn't begrudge all the times that I've dragged myself up and down the M1 to spend the day in a waiting room being patient and supportive. They put far too much value on their choppers.

WaffleWiffle · 25/08/2014 12:00

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ajandjjmum · 25/08/2014 12:00

Could it be that you DM wants someone around, and assumes that you wouldn't be available? Could you offer to come and stay in your sister's house whilst she's away, so that the treatment isn't postponed. It's then up to your DM and Dsis, but they know the offer is there.

As the 'local' DD, I know how tiring and what an impact day-to-day care can have on you and your relationship with your DH, so maybe your BIL isn't just being unkind, but is trying to care for his DW.

Hope your DM feels better soon.

Moreisnnogedag · 25/08/2014 12:01

I can actually see why he was firm. His main focus is his dw (rightly so). Your mom wants her there to support and care for her during really tough treatment. From his point of view he wants his wife to look after herself too, have a holiday and come back ready to face another challenge.

It is a bit harsh if your mom to say that she's delaying Rx if they go on holiday (and may be one of the reasons he was so firm about them going).

Original poster
juditz · 25/08/2014 12:01

This isn't a goady wind-up thread at all, what on earth makes you think that?

OP posts:
Bearbehind · 25/08/2014 12:02

I can't believe anyone would choose to go on holiday whilst their mother's aggressive cancer festers until they get back.

Your mother should have the treatment ASAP.

Original poster
juditz · 25/08/2014 12:03

Good point, Moreisnogedag. My MUM is the on delaying the treatment, after all, never seen it like that before.

Thanks I think you've hit the nail on the head! Oh well. Perhaps I can see his point of view now.

Maybe he is not so bad, after all.

OP posts:
Boldsheep · 25/08/2014 12:03

It sounds like your mum will need ongoing support and that for whatever reason this is going to fall to your sister. In which case she will probably need a break - after all this is why the concept of respite care exists. Agree with the poster who said it is unfair of your mum to put it on your sister that she is delaying treatment because of her. I think in an ideal world you would say to your mum: 'dont delay - i will support you in X's absence'

Becca19962014 · 25/08/2014 12:03

It's good you don't begrudge that OP and I don't think anyone thought you would be saying it in real life.

Original poster
juditz · 25/08/2014 12:04

Then again Bearbehind has a point, too. Just a bit flummoxed by it all.

OP posts:
MajesticWhine · 25/08/2014 12:04

Have you had an honest talk to your mother or sister about this dynamic? It would make a lot more sense if you can be involved in you mum's care and get the treatment under way. Can't you say this to them? Crikey it's only 10 days.

TortoiseUpATreeAgain · 25/08/2014 12:05

Your sister has (presumably) been supporting your mother through her treatment to date. Your mother has another daughter who is around and perfectly willing to support her for the couple of weeks in question. There will probably be a long road ahead of your mother where she's going to need on going support in the short-medium term at least.

I don't think they should cancel the holiday. I also think it's foolish of your mother to postpone the treatment just because she wants to play favourites among her children - but if the doctors haven't raised any objection then I assume a couple of week's delay won't affect the ultimate outcome of treatment.

Original poster
juditz · 25/08/2014 12:05

I can see the s* hitting the fan about this, though, probably best I stay out of it and try to support mum regardless.

Anyway, best place to vent is here.

OP posts:
Original poster
juditz · 25/08/2014 12:08

Yes, the doctor didn't raise any objections.

But it's like this:

1, I personally would feel bad if mum's treatment was delayed if I was going on holiday.

2, If the cancer -god forbid- turns out to be incurable, I know it would be like 'You went on holiday and delayed the treatment' YOUR fault.

Does this make sense?

OP posts:
Original poster
juditz · 25/08/2014 12:09

I understand respite care and its concept but that usually applies to people who are not going to get any worse IYSWIM.

OP posts:
TinyDancingHoofer · 25/08/2014 12:12

I think your mum should start the treatment now, your sister should go on holiday and you can prove you are not the "useless younger sibling". Bit off of your mum to assume your sister is willing to do all the care work tbh.

WottaMess · 25/08/2014 12:13

I agree that your bil may see more of the fallout of your mums choices - your sister may find it quite a strain to be the one relied on all the time and he may think she really needs a break before the next stint.

Your mum had a daughter willing and able to look after her in you. She is the one manipulating the situation. And while you are coping with not being the one she wants, your sis has to cope with being the one she does.

Make it clear to all you will step up and help. If your mum still chooses to delay it's is her choice.

I would also explain to dsis that you recognise the dynamic and the strain she must be under and accept she could well do with the break. Support her in that choice as I bet there's a lot of guilt there for her.

Your mum is an adult, albeit one going through a horrid time at present.

rookiemater · 25/08/2014 12:16

It makes sense but it's not your Dsis or BILs fault that your DM is choosing to delay her treatment.

I can totally understand why she wants someone to be there to support her, but they are only going to be away for 10 days and she has you there as well -presumably you can be there to support her during this time.

Your BIL may be coming at this from a selfish point of view but it's not a hugely long holiday and yes perhaps your Dsis does need a break.

Tortoise has said this all more eloquently than me.

TBH I don't think now is the time to stay out of it. I would say now is the time to say to your DM not to delay her treatment and you will support her for the week and a half that Dsis is not there.

MrSheen · 25/08/2014 12:18

I can't believe anyone would choose to go on holiday whilst their mother's aggressive cancer festers until they get back

The OPs sister isn't telling her mother not to have treatment. The mother is making that choice herself. I'd bet my house that she already does a lot of running around after her mother and there is another willing and able child who can do the running around for 10 days.

You could say 'I can't believe anyone would choose to let their aggressive cancer festers just to make a point about which child they prefer.'

Lots of people go for radiotherapy on their own Shock. My Mum had to as I couldn't take 3 weeks of work or take the dcs out of school in order to move back home and neither could anyone else.

weebarra · 25/08/2014 12:19

Are you absolutely sure that your mum's medical team are happy for her to delay treatment?
I only ask as, when I had radiotherapy for breast cancer earlier this year, my oncologist strongly recommended that treatment not be delayed for a planned holiday. I ended up going the day after my radiotherapy finished.

WaffleWiffle · 25/08/2014 12:19

Holiday aside, in the longer term ask your sister what you can do to support her (your sister) while she supports your Mum. For example, you could:

  • Make some meals for her freezer
  • Walk the dog for her
  • Do her ironing
  • Give her off 'days off' needing to care for your Mum
  • Offer to do 'non-visiting' type things for your Mum - like any shopping she needs, washing Mums clothes, etc.

Your Mum is very ill. Time to step up to the mark OP and stop being so "useless" (your word, not mine).

ivykaty44 · 25/08/2014 12:20

No your mother is the one delaying the treatment - not your sister, it is your mother who is choosing to delay treatment until a particular person is around. That particular person is not part of the medical treatment nor is she stopping medical treatment - your mother is stopping it….

Your mother may well have a life threatening illness but for her to behave in the manner is irresponsible to her own health and also selfish to her daughter, putting her in this position, it is emotional blackmail.

DoItTooJulia · 25/08/2014 12:24

Why was bil at the appointment?

My DH wouldn't go to an appointment like that with my mum and they are close! And I wouldn't expect my sisters partner to come either!

I can completely see where you are coming from OP. If there is more to it regarding your sisters relationship (controlling, manipulative, etc) I would be furious that his control over my sister delayed my mums treatment. But what can you do? I fear, nothing.

I hope your mum gets treatment and has a good outcome.

sanfairyanne · 25/08/2014 12:27

how could anyone blame your sister? it is your mum deciding to delay treatment
it takes weeks if not months for the nhs to get treatment set up. meanwhile they say, to keep you calm, oh a few weeks wont matter. maybe the consultant is not that bothered, or couldnt get it organised for that early anyway and this lets them off the hook, who knows
but this is your mums decision

DinoSnores · 25/08/2014 12:30

Your mother is choosing to delay treatment and is being almost manipulative at deciding to delay treatment because one daughter is away when she is not being left alone or completely without help.

A treatment delay of 10 days, particularly after surgery, is unlikely to make very much difference at all in terms of outcome.

Your sister appears to be bearing the brunt of the caring role (at your mother's behest, I appreciate that you might be trying to be helpful) and she needs to look after herself to deal with the next few weeks/months etc of caring for her, particularly if things don't go well.

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