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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel this holiday should not go ahead?

118 replies

juditz · 25/08/2014 11:38

My mum is receiving cancer treatment -radiotherapy for cancer. She's recovering from major surgery but is OK for now. Anyway, my brother-in-law and I sat in on the meeting last wednesday (my sister at work). The treatment is scheduled for next few weeks. During the meeting, my brother-in-law piped up with 'we're going on holiday on September' (regarding my sister and him) in quite a firm tone.

My mum is 79 and they live close by. I can of course visit my mum but I know she'd prefer my other sister (brother-in-law's wife) to be around. I don't begrudge this; it's just the way it is.

It's an aggressive cancer. The treatment will be intensive and they have grown up children, are quite wealthy and can go on holiday at some other point.

I don't know -maybe I am being unreasonable but I just think the way he piped up with this in the meeting was quite thoughtless. AIBU? Genuine question.

And I'm thinking, well the sooner she has treatment the better?

OP posts:
rookiemater · 25/08/2014 13:16

Well no, it's kind of up to your DM.

It would be better if your DM didn't delay her treatment because one of her DDs is on holiday, particularly as treatment may take a long time and be stressful and hard for all those concerned including the ones supporting her.

I know you want to stay out of this and I can see why, but surely your energy would be better placed in trying to convince your DM to go ahead with the treatment, rather than getting your Dsis to give up her holiday.

Pagwatch · 25/08/2014 13:17

I went on holiday when my father had reached a terminal stage in his cancer.

It's easy to say 'I wouldn't go' but it was horrendous.
He had become ill very suddenly and the decline was swift. We were getting very mixed information about his outcome but he was being fiercely 'I'm fine. This will be ok' and to say 'we are cancelling our holiday' would have sounded like 'we can't go in case you die'. He would have been so incredibly upset.
It seems so straightforward in theory but family relationships are not like that in reality

MissBeehiving · 25/08/2014 13:21

I feel sorry for Dsis. Doesn't sound like she is the favourite, just manipulated. Sad

aprilanne · 25/08/2014 13:25

i feel sorry for you and your sister .because your mother is being really selfish saying .about delaying treatment .if its a long hard road your sister will need to be ready and a break just now maybe what she needs .and to be honest .maybe your sisters attitude will be well she went on holiday and my precious child had just died .who could blame her maybe your mother needs to think back .you will be there and if she delays treatment that is her desicion not your sisters ...

Staywithme · 25/08/2014 13:26

Your poor sis is going to need this holiday and I think it sounds like your bil is protective of her. I know you said he's controlling but I wonder how controlling he really is considering your sis spends so much time looking after her mum? Did you gently insist that you could help or was I done in a passive manner? Sorry if that sounds rude, but I'm having trouble wording it. I'm just wondering if your mum feels you don't really want to do it or if she's being manipulative.

JADS · 25/08/2014 13:29

I can tell you the answer to the 'would you go on holiday' question because we did. Fil had terminal cancer. I was in the last few weeks of mat leave and dh had struggled to get time off. We needed a break. Admittedly we stayed in the UK about an hour from home (pil lived other side of the country). The holiday was cut short as fil took a turn for the worst.

Your mum sounds selfish and manipulative. What did the oncologist say about the delay in treatment?

grumpasaur · 25/08/2014 13:33

Christ op- your mom sounds like a manipulative, selfish, arsehole.

Poor you for never feeling good enough, and poor your sister for being put on like this, but not supported in return!

Your mom sounds just like my grandma, and years of watching my mom go through similar situations with her mom leads me to the following conclusion about what you need to do:

  1. phone your sister and tell her to ABSOLUTELY go on holiday, and enjoy the break

  2. phone your mom with some harsh truths. You will be there to offer support. She should therefore not delay treatment, and you don't give a flying fuck if she would rather have your sister there, you will be there and she should stop being so selfish

  3. make it clear to both your mom and your sister that if your mom does decide to delay treatment, it is a selfish and risky decision and she will have no one to blame but herself if it impacts her prognosis negatively

Your mom has got you feeling the FOG on behalf of your sister whilst simultaneously reminding you that she doesn't think you are good enough. Bravo your mom!

sanfairyanne · 25/08/2014 13:48

sounds a lot of dysfunctional stuff going on here
your sister sounds stuck right in the middle
i feel really sorry for her

Summerisle1 · 25/08/2014 13:49

It's terribly wrong for your DM to place this emotional burden on your sister.

While I am not qualified to say this with certainty, I would be very surprised if a 10 day delay made a life or death difference. If it did then I would expect the oncologist to have made this abundantly clear. Because he or she IS the expert. So in the absence of advice to the contrary, your DSis should be able to take a holiday without feeling that she has put your DM's life at immediate risk.

DoItTooJulia · 25/08/2014 13:49

Oh. She went on holiday the week after her grandson died, aged 8??

I think I can see why bil got the feeling it wouldn't matter.

If that's how she treats her favourite daughter, be glad you're not. I would tell her that I thought it was risky to choose to delay treatment. Don't be totally passive in all this. Make your feelings heard.

Best of luck.

Viviennemary · 25/08/2014 13:55

I think they are right to go on holiday. Your Mum shouldn't have cancelled the treatment. It's kind of sounds like blackmail to stop them going on holiday. Maybe they feel they need a break from your Mum's demands. I know she is going through a hard time but it's a bit off for your Mum to put her foot down like this and not accept perfectly appropriate other help.

maddening · 25/08/2014 13:57

Can they go in the next week or two rather than delay your mum's treatment?

Summerisle1 · 25/08/2014 13:59

Can you actually speak to the oncologist about this? Or at least the specialist nurse who will be on the Multi-Disciplinary Team who are treating your DM? Only a sensible answer from the experts sounds like it would help enormously.

Nanny0gg · 25/08/2014 14:22

I was all they were being U till I read what your mum did when her grandchild died.

I'd have found it hard to forgive that.

AllThatGlistens · 25/08/2014 14:38

Bloody hell, I think you've had issues with the wrong relative Shock

kali110 · 25/08/2014 14:39

I personally would cancel. Id want my family to get treatment asap.

ForalltheSaints · 25/08/2014 15:16

Any insurer worth dealing with would refund a holiday if someone near and dear was about to have cancer treatment.

PourquoiPas · 25/08/2014 15:38

But, at the end of the day, it is up to my sister.

I'd prefer it if she stayed for her sake really because I just know that she is a good person and know my mum will blame her if the treatment gets delayed and she doesn't recover and she'' feel bad.

It will be like, 'you went away, that 10 days may have made a difference' May well there's no denying that it may make a difference.

Better to lose 10 days now and have that guilt thrown on her.

If that 10 days may have made a difference then your mother should have the treatment. You need to make that clear to her. If your mother chooses to postpone your mother's treatment then that is your mother's choice, and any consequences of that are down to your mother not your sister.

If your mother had days or weeks left to live then I'm sure your sister would reconsider, but it doesn't sound like that's the case.

Following this through to its logical end, are you saying your sister should never go anywhere or do anything other than what your mother wants until your mother dies? For years, or decades?

Make it clear to your mother that you are willing and able to support her when your sister is not there, and make it clear to your sister that you support her in living her life.

gobbynorthernbird · 25/08/2014 15:44

Doesn't sound like she is the favourite, just manipulated

This. With enormous clanging bells on.

Moreisnnogedag · 25/08/2014 15:54

Wow. Ok that's puts a completely different spin on things and thank god your sister has her DH looking out for her.

Firstly that's probably the coldest thing I've heard of - who does that?! Leaving your dd to grieve the loss of your dgs? Words fail me.

But if she were to be so conniving as to blame your dsis if treatment fails because she chose to delay her radiotherapy, then I'd be on the phone to her encouraging her to go on holiday. Whilst I sympathise that your DM is ill, that's no excuse to emotionally blackmail your children.

SaucyJack · 25/08/2014 15:58

I'm with your BIL here. TBH I think both you and your sister are both so completely used to doing whatever your mother wants to avoid her passive-aggression that it's completely beyond you to grasp the concept of someone not doing exactly what she wants for once.

Best of luck

FrontForward · 25/08/2014 16:03

I think your sister should go on holiday. It sounds very stressful all the dynamics between you. Regarding yourself as the younger useless one is very sad and very sad that your mother makes you feel that way. I imagine you have some difficulty getting past that judgement

hormonalandneedingcheese · 25/08/2014 16:22

Your mum sounds like the controlling and manipulative one, not to mention disparaging to you. She doesn't want your help, she just wants your sister's and will refuse treatment until she's around. That's blackmail and manipulative. Also it's a slap in the face to you and added pressure and stress on sis and DBIL. Not to mention the way she was when her grandchild died. Nice. What's good for the goose...

Would I go away? No, but my Mum isn't manipulative and, from what you've said here, toxic. To be honest, you should be supporting your sister not fretting over the 'guilt- more manipulation- that your mum will do and how unfair it is on your mum.

Stratter5 · 25/08/2014 17:05

I feel sorry for Dsis. Doesn't sound like she is the favourite, just manipulated.

This. This was my 'position'. I was absolutely not the favourite, that honour went to my ridiculously spoilt younger sister, who can do no wrong, and has everything handed to her on a plate. But I am the competent one, the one who can do stuff, knows what to do and who to ring. Didn't make me the favourite, just the one that was always put upon.

Your DM sounds incredibly manipulative, and I don't blame your BIL for insisting your DSis takes a break first.

sonjadog · 25/08/2014 17:18

I like your BIL. He is putting his wife first and sticking up for her.