Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel like bf is ruining my life

109 replies

Beatrixemerald · 24/08/2014 22:04

I am so fucking miserable (defo not pnd just tired and overwhelmed) husband went to watch football this aft, still out and absolutely hammered and I am here on my own, as usual, dd on breast, screaming If I try to put her down for a second. I feel lonely all the time but nights are the worst.
Dd is 9 weeks old, she was sleeping in 4/5 hr chunks at night but since her jabs last week its gone back to 2-3 hrs. She wont be put down at all which means we co-sleep and I carry her around all day, my husband does very little citing the fact I am bf as the main reason as he cant do ,uch (despite me giving him examples of things hecould do). I just feel if I could bring myself to give her some formula then I could at leastmake sure I couldleave her with my mum for a couple of hours to get a break.
I struggle to trust my husband with her as we have big arguments over leaving her to cry (I wont do it).
The pressure to breastfeed is so immense and as someone who wants positive feedback, I like all the pats on the head from the various hcp's that I am doing everything right and feel like I would be letting dd down.
I have also tried expressing, I barely get time to be able to do it inbetween feeds with someone else taking care of dd mearby whilst I do it, so exprrssing enough to be meaningful isnt really an option.
I feel like my relationship is going down the pan, we are living completely seperate lives and we cant have sex because we get no time when dd will be in her travel cot/moses basket etc. I have tried all the things like warming with a hot water bottle etc, dont work.
I love my dd to distraction, feel like I am obsessed with her, but cant get my head around being desperate for some time away from her but missing her when I am in the shower (when I get the opportunity when dh or dsd can hold her).
I dont have much support as dh's parents are both dead and mine both work full time and live in another city.
Feel like I am at my witse end, The only thing I can see i can change is moving to ff and hopefully then dh would be able to do more and dd might sleep better.
Apologies for the rant, I just want to know if anyone else has felt this way and what they have done about it, thanks

OP posts:
Rooners · 25/08/2014 08:16

I think from reading this that you will absolutely regret it if you stop BF (which doesn't always go this well, so you're really on a winning run here!) just because your partner thinks you should, or you think it will solve his attitude problem.

It sounds to me like you have a solid, loving relationship with your new daughter and it is making him very jealous indeed.

I had a partner a bit like this and the best thing I could have done, and did, was to cut him loose Sad which instantly made me far happier, and took all the pressure off so I could be a really attentive mum to my little one.

I'm not suggesting that's necessarily appropriate in your position but what is VERY clear is that you're considering breaking something very positive in order to try and fix something that isn't even related to it.

Please think very carefully before sacrificing your successful and happy breastfeeding career on the alter of making your (d)h feel like the big man, and then him not bothering to help any more than he does already.

All the best to you and dd x

Purplepoodle · 25/08/2014 08:17

Try a bf support group. Lots of mummies who can at least commiserate on constant feeding and lack of sleep.

Rooners · 25/08/2014 08:21

Btw I've found BF far, far easier as a single parent than FF could ever have been (for me) as I could just give milk whenever and wherever, rather than having all the hassle of measuring and heating and sterilising and so on.
Please trust in yourself on this. I don't have an agenda on this, but I do think you'll regret it if you stop something that comes so naturally to you and DD.

petalsandstars · 25/08/2014 08:21

I just wanted to add to the pp to say that I don't think bf is the problem either. It is a lazy DH. Babies change everything in a relationship and I had to remind my DH that just because I was a mum- doesn't mean I was his mum - and he needed to do more in the home despite me physically being there more of the time.

I agree too that if you switch to ff you'll find that you are still doing everything and now have more to do as his attitude won't have changed.

Have the same calm discussion with him this morning and don't be afraid to be honest. I told mine that he was lazy and being no use to the household so he was in danger of being a single man again. I wasn't afraid to do it though and it made him realise that I was serious and step up.

Just because he has always been a bit lazy doesn't mean he can let you pick up the slack all the time. Laziness is a habit that can be broken.

you are doing a great job - now he has to do the same

Rooners · 25/08/2014 08:23

' but ultimately he is very selfish and pretty lazy, and I keep telling myself I knew these things really when I married him so cant really expect him to change, I made my bed so to speak.'

Would you let a friend, or a stranger, or another random person who was selfish and lazy call the shots with the relationship between you and dd and her feeding?

I don't think it is a good idea to let him dictate anything in this regard.

There's no earthly law compelling you to stay with an unkind, unhelpful person just because you made a mistake and married them. xx

Cinnamon73 · 25/08/2014 08:47

I also think you should carefully consider if you want to give up bf.
Your dh uses it as an excuse. If you switch to ff he might come up with another excuse and you end up having more work.

Well done for bf after such a traumatic birth. Flowers

Having a tiny baby is exhausting. You need all the help you can get, and your dh shouldn't have to be reminded about your needs (drinks etc).

Your dh can do everything else but bf, and I think he should have given up smoking too.

adsy · 25/08/2014 09:05

Your baby is 9 weeks old; I would be amazed if you were having sex!
BF babies feed a lot. that's just what they do. you either grit your teeth and get on with it, or give up and ff. Quite a simple choice really and not worth all this angst.
ffiw I bf all mine and just accepted that I would get no sleep for at least a year but it's up to you.

areyoubeingserviced · 25/08/2014 09:11

Don't be a hero .
Mix feed

Cinnamon73 · 25/08/2014 09:14

Btw my bf babies slept through a lot earlier than a year. Especially my dds. One at 10 weeks, she slept 8pm-7am, one at 16 weeks (with a dream feed at 11pm until she was 6 months).
It is a myth that bf babies sleep through later.

My son was bf until 4 months, then went on to bottles, he didn't sleep through until he was over a year.

Whatever you do, don't give up bf because you think she will sleep through.

redglasses · 25/08/2014 09:24

We gave DS formula once a day (evenings) from 4 weeks so I could take a break and my DH could get a chance to feed DS (he said it felt very rewarding). We didn't do it every day, mainly when DS was going through growth spurts or when I was exhausted. It helped me lots I could take a long bath, go out for a run whatever. My HV said that way DS actually got the best of both worlds as formula isn't all bad plus my DH got a chance to connect to the baby.

Perihelion · 25/08/2014 09:25

To express a useful amount, I used to do it first thing in the morning, with my baby on one breast and the pump on the other. Then got husband to give that milk in the evening at about 11pm. I'd go to bed really early and could get a good chumk of sleep in.

Aeroflotgirl · 25/08/2014 09:29

Your dh is tge problem. Look give her some formula to give you a well,deserved break, there is nothing wrong with it, it's a perfectly safe and good substitute. You have done so well, do it! Sort that dh out. Suit down and talk to him about how you feel.

Surfsup1 · 25/08/2014 09:30

My DS1 was bf and DS2 was FF because I had been very sick and was on massive doses of antibiotics. Regardless, with both babies I felt like I was about to collapse into a pit of despair at around the 9-10 week mark - IME its just when the exhaustion really catches up and overwhelms you.

How do you go when you do get a chance to express? Soon you will be able to stretch out the gap between feeds and get some decent daytime naps going - hostly it DOES happen if you get a routine going and stick to it. Some people don't like to impose routines and prefer to just roll with whatever their baby comes up with, but I got a lot of comfort from knowing exactly what was going to happen when. Each to their own.

Once you can stretch the feeds out you should be able to get a reasonable expressing session in during each day and that will allow you to hand over some feeds to others and get a bit of a break.

Would your Mum take your baby for a walk between feeds so that you can have a nap?

Aeroflotgirl · 25/08/2014 09:31

A lot of mums mix feed, my friend recently had a dc3, no family near, dh works away. She bf the 2 until 2 years and was hoping to do that for her newborn. She us exhausted and has to give him a bottle of formula to rest as she has others to look after.

Surfsup1 · 25/08/2014 09:32

Oh and I can back up the others re BF babies sleeping through. I did sleep training (gently) with both my boys and both were sleeping 7-7 at 4 months. No difference.

43percentburnt · 25/08/2014 09:34

Hi, if you formula fed I promise you it would be you getting up in the night to make bottles up. You could no longer Co sleep so you would b e pacing the floor at 3am.

I know that because you oh has already said he would let your baby cry. He would say you get up because it's you who doesn't want her to cry. Or he has work. Or its pointless you both being tired. Or another gem.

Your problem is your oh not breastfeeding. For what's it's worth my d h changed nappies, gave baths, took baby out in pram or sling, played games, read to him sang to him, even as a tiny baby. The breastfeeding comments are his current excuse, you will find he has more excuses up his sleeve.

Don't assume formula is easier, I find breastfeeding far more convenient ( I mixed fed my dd btw).

Aeroflotgirl · 25/08/2014 09:35

She gives him 1/2 formula a day and bf tge rest. The problem with expressing is you may not get much. I had a fantastic electric hospital grade pump called tge spectrum. You can get it on Amazon, I expressed for 9 months with it!

5toocoolforschool · 25/08/2014 09:39

Sorry op haven’t read all the posts but to me it doesn’t sound like bf is,it sounds like your oh is!

What do you think will happen if you switch to bottles?Do you think he will magically start doing half of everything?I doubt it.

43percentburnt · 25/08/2014 09:40

Posted too soon. Mixed fed Dd, breastfed ds far easier to solely breastfeed! Bottles are a faff.

5toocoolforschool · 25/08/2014 09:40

43percentburnt has got it right,that is exactly what i meant.

Surfsup1 · 25/08/2014 09:42

For FF night feeds I used the pre-prepared milk packs. They're exy, but I felt it was money well spent when I was so exhausted!

43percentburnt · 25/08/2014 09:43

I have a spectra dew breast pump i think its the one by spectra mentioned above. It's fantastic. Am still expressing at 12 months whilst working.

5toocoolforschool · 25/08/2014 09:46

I have the spectra one and can never get more than 3 or 4 ounces out,that’s from both breasts!I think its just me because its always been like that even with other brands,ive tried them all.

Aeroflotgirl · 25/08/2014 09:54

Yes it is, sucks like hell but better than the hospital one I used in hospital. I expressed until my supply eventually died

Aeroflotgirl · 25/08/2014 10:01

You can get pre packed cartons of formula very easy,give mum a bottle and a carton or 2 and have a rest. I am reading the ff thread in AIBU and it's sad that women are putting so much pressure on themselves to be the perfect mother. You have to do what you feel is best, ignore the rest!