to feel like bf is ruining my life

[Beatrixemerald]

I am so fucking miserable (defo not pnd just tired and overwhelmed) husband went to watch football this aft, still out and absolutely hammered and I am here on my own, as usual, dd on breast, screaming If I try to put her down for a second. I feel lonely all the time but nights are the worst.
Dd is 9 weeks old, she was sleeping in 4/5 hr chunks at night but since her jabs last week its gone back to 2-3 hrs. She wont be put down at all which means we co-sleep and I carry her around all day, my husband does very little citing the fact I am bf as the main reason as he cant do ,uch (despite me giving him examples of things hecould do). I just feel if I could bring myself to give her some formula then I could at leastmake sure I couldleave her with my mum for a couple of hours to get a break.
I struggle to trust my husband with her as we have big arguments over leaving her to cry (I wont do it).
The pressure to breastfeed is so immense and as someone who wants positive feedback, I like all the pats on the head from the various hcp's that I am doing everything right and feel like I would be letting dd down.
I have also tried expressing, I barely get time to be able to do it inbetween feeds with someone else taking care of dd mearby whilst I do it, so exprrssing enough to be meaningful isnt really an option.
I feel like my relationship is going down the pan, we are living completely seperate lives and we cant have sex because we get no time when dd will be in her travel cot/moses basket etc. I have tried all the things like warming with a hot water bottle etc, dont work.
I love my dd to distraction, feel like I am obsessed with her, but cant get my head around being desperate for some time away from her but missing her when I am in the shower (when I get the opportunity when dh or dsd can hold her).
I dont have much support as dh's parents are both dead and mine both work full time and live in another city.
Feel like I am at my witse end, The only thing I can see i can change is moving to ff and hopefully then dh would be able to do more and dd might sleep better.
Apologies for the rant, I just want to know if anyone else has felt this way and what they have done about it, thanks

[redexpat]

This isn't really about bf vs ff though is it, it's about an unsupportive partner. If you can tackle that then the bfing will be much more managable. But I have no idea how to do that.

Your relationship will get better once everyone is getting more sleep. Do not underestimate how sleep deprivation can make everything worse.

[CarbeDiem]

however he really doesn't want me to introduce any formula
I'll bet he doesn't.
I'm not saying he shouldn't get to voice an opinion about what happens with his child but you're the one bf unsupported so imo YOU can choose if it will help or not.

About not being able to put her down - one of my ds was the same. I found laying him in his basket or in his chair after a feed/nappy change he would still cry so I used to sing to him. Often he would settle but sometimes not. I also used to sometimes swaddle him, it was really comforting to him - I believe it's frowned upon now but if it worked, doing it now and again imo is ok.

[Surfsup1]

I found the baby bjorn bouncer to be absolute gold for settling by cubs after a feed. With DS2 I even got a bouncer that had a built in motor (like a vibrating seat ) which was also brilliant. Might be worth a try?

[Aeroflotgirl]

I agree you need to sort out the situation with your h. Basically tell him to pull his pants up get his finger out of his arse and help if he dies nit want you to use formula, if not you can do what tge hell you like. It's you being sat at home with baby constantly on your boob, while he's out enjoying himself.

[DoItTooJulia]

I don't think all the posters saying its not breastfeeding are not being helpful.

I EBF both of mine, with a supportive husband and my wonderful mother at home. They did loads and loads to help out, treated me like royalty, bought me drinks, snacks, did the washing, a lot of the cooking, vacuuming. I still didn't really like bf. I felt tied to the baby. I felt responsible in a way that DH and DM weren't. It was relentless. I had a baby who fed all evening for 6 months and barely slept. By the time I realised it was ridiculous carrying on like this, he was a bottle refuser.

I felt like I couldn't go out without the baby (he never really established a routine and would feed more or less constantly, so no feed him, pop out and be back in time for the next feed) I felt drained, I gained weight from the constant hunger, I got no sleep, I felt utterly trapped by it.

I eventually stopped bf at 8 mo. best thing I ever did.

Yes, it sounds like you OH needs to step up to the plate, yes it's life changing having a baby and yes, for some people, it's not fun to bf. it doesn't get easier for some people.

Only you can decide what to do, but ff a baby isn't going to poison him or make you fallout of favour with HCPs, you don't get a bf medal. You never get these days back again and to spend them feeling shitty and resentful is waste if you ask me. Good luck.

[adsy]

I felt tied to the baby
Of course you did. You're meant to with a tiny baby!
I think there is a huge problem with people being unrealistic about how time consuming babies are.
If you start bf'ing with an attitude that you can carry on your life almost as normal, then you are going to fail at it.

[Aeroflotgirl]

I agree doit, meanwhile if you want to give him a bottle whilst you rest, do it! Nobody is going to think less of you, you sound exhausted and drained yes with a new baby but also h behaviour.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Adsy I think people forgot how hard it really is, there is also a person behind those boobs with thoughts, feelings, emotions, wants needs herself. She is a human being like anybody else. She does not soley become a feeding machine only once she has a baby.

[DoItTooJulia]

DH didn't feel tied though. Not like I did.

[Aeroflotgirl]

On top of that she has to deal with her own issues, rather like op, she may have other children to look after so just cannot sit on the couch fir the next 6 months or so.

[MamadotheBUMP]

It is so hard, I remember wanting to leave dp at 9 weeks because I hated him so much sometimes! He wasn't very helpful and I was glued to the baby constantly. It's getting better now a few weeks on and I like him again :)

Let him know how you feel. And there is nothing wrong with mix feeding or formula feeding! You are doing a fantastic job :)

[Booboostoo]

I agree with the majority of posters that if you want to ff or mix feed you should do so, but that some tensions may be a normal part of looking after such a young baby after a traumatic birth and that your DP's attitude may be part of the problem.

Have you come across the high needs baby threads? They tend to be babies that eat a lot,, sleep poorly, like to be held a lot and may be very attached to one person. My DD was very much like that utand reading the threads helped a lot. There was some practical advice like co-sleeping and slings, but mainly it was the realisation that some babies are like that and you have to go with the flow and wait for the phase to pass.

Your DP has to recognise you need more help.

[Beatrixemerald]

Thanks all. We have had serious words this morning, he has promised things will change, we'll see. I am going to stick it out and see if it does get better.

[Doingakatereddy]

Go get a carton of Aptimel, a bottle and see your mum.

Formula is perfectly good nutritious milk & your baby will not suffer one jot from it.

You will feel a lot bloody better from a bit of rest, perspective and having taken control. After this you can FF, BF or both, upto you.

I've been there, and it was awful, really bloody awful. Thank god for formula x

[TheRealAmandaClarke]

Im not sure you should ditch bf just because your dh is being unsupportive.
If you want to ff then do so, but not make his life easier.
Think about what you actually want to do rather than compromising because he isn't pulling his weight.

[rf241]

Do what you want and don't look bsck. My baby was born at 4lb and never latched on. I expressed exclusively for seven months. Looking back, I wish I had just used formula. It was a stressful time trying to find time to pump several times a day. I felt under such pressure to do so. I think my relationship with my son suffered.

Basically what I'm trying to say is ignore the BF fascists. If you want to, try to stick with it. As someone who expressed 8 times a day for months believe me you can do it. Kellymom a great resource online and if you want to express and give a bottle of that do it. Expressing is miserable work but watching crap whilst doing it helps ;-)

Good luck!

[Elmersnewfriend]

Actually rf that makes me a bit cross. No one at all on this thread has said that breast feeding is everything. Every single person has been supportive of the OP, so using the expression "breastfeeding fascists" is completely unfair. All people have said is that if the OP stops bf, it may well be that she finds herself in just the same situation but having to make up bottles. I and many other people have said there is SO much more to a baby than feeding it.

You don't have to be supportive of FF by being incredibly rude to people who bf.

[itsaruddygame]

I haven't read the whole thread but wanted to say that I almost quit bf as I was so bloody exhausted. A FF friend was actually the person that kept me going because she said that getting up in the night to bottle feed was no less exhausting and that by the time you got the bottle ready etc the baby was even more awake and it could take an age to get them back to sleep by which time you were also wide awake and struggling to get back to sleep before it all starts again. Anyway it kept me going for a few more weeks and it did become much easier!

It sounds like your DH is being an unhelpful arse as well so whatever you decide about feeding he needs a kick up the back end to give you some assistance. DH used to take DS for a walk in the sling whilst I got a bath and also bathed him and got him ready for bed. Even an hour to myself really helped to keep my sanity.

Things will get easier soon - it really is so intense in those first few weeks.

[bubalou]

You poor thing.

Firstly - take a breath. You are doing amazingly.

My DS was tongue tied and unfortunately after a week of him barely feeding and not latching on etc I had no choice but to give him a bottle. It might sound silly but I still made sure I just had a bra on my top half so he was still getting the skin to skin contact when I first started with bottles.

He loved them. I expressed as much as I could over the next few weeks but that obviously dried up quickly.

He was very happy and healthy, I got to stay sane - DH loved being able to feed him. Best for everyone.

He is now a very healthy, handsome and temperamental 6 year old.

Good luck. And remember do not punish yourself - the health workers etc all push beast is breast until the end no matter what!!! You should do what is best for all of you.

[PistolWhipped]

What do you mean when you say 'I miss the baby when I'm in the shower'?

[Godcreatedcricket]

Oh love, she's only 9 weeks. Well done for breast feeding her that far. It's a bloody nightmare when you have a screamer that won't let you put them down.
Your husband can do plenty. Ok he can't lactate, but he can take her out. Or just hold her. She doesn't need feeding all the time!
I had a screamer, non-sleeper.
You sound utterly overwhelmed. And it is bloody overwhelming.
Get your husband to pull his sodding finger out! Run a bath (or climb into bed, whatever you fancy). If you do try some formula. That's fine! And don't let anyone tell you otherwise. And if you carry on breastfeeding that's fine too. Just as long as you keep feeding baby and get some rest.
Keep up the good work.

[IPityThePontipines]

OP, I would agree with much of the advice you're getting here, that the relationship with your partner is the main issue.

However:

I don't recognise the picture of FF some are painting, I found it much easier than breastfeeding.

[Mini05]

You really some you time!! Even if it's relaxing in a bath for 20 mins.

Defo mix feed, you did ff with dd from day 1 so why are you putting yourself through such a hard time. Do it!!

Also don't know how old you are or your dd but if there's a few years age difference your prob being too over the top with things trying to do everything by the book!

The best advice when I had my son was from mw, she told me if you have
Bathed,fed,winded and changed baby, put them down ie Moses basket/cot
If the cry go once to check ok. Then leave them to cry. I never thought I could do this!! But I got so so shattered I did it!!!
You know what that was the turning point!!! Never looked back

Try it please, walk out the room go in bedroom anywhere.
Leave her with dh in room if you can't do it

I never took advice from my mum, who had 8 children thinking
Oh it's changed it's not like that now, what an idiot!!!

[Nanny0gg]

Go get a carton of Aptimel, a bottle and see your mum. Formula is perfectly good nutritious milk & your baby will not suffer one jot from it. You will feel a lot bloody better from a bit of rest, perspective and having taken control. After this you can FF, BF or both, up to you.I've been there, and it was awful, really bloody awful. Thank god for formula

^This. Do what suits you. But two things - switching to FF will not change your husband's shit attitude and babies sleeping through is not^ down to the type of milk they drink. One of my DC was b/f for 17 months and didn't sleep through till they were gone 2. It's pure bloody luck.

Good luck - and congratulations on your DD!

[Nicola19]

I was a bit like you when I was breastfeeding my first, I wished the time away until I got to almost three months. Every day was a struggle, such that some days I woke up thinking I couldn't face another day of feeding and I actually thought, 'What would happen if I didn't feed her today?' I was miserable and desperate. DD2 I tried for five weeks and then switched to FF, she turned into a calm happy baby and my raging hormones settled down. I just did not want the early weeks to be such a mare like they were the first time round. BF my first DD had just dominated my life and I was suddenly able to focus on playing, going for walks with her and, amazingly, she could be put down!