to feel like bf is ruining my life

[Beatrixemerald]

I am so fucking miserable (defo not pnd just tired and overwhelmed) husband went to watch football this aft, still out and absolutely hammered and I am here on my own, as usual, dd on breast, screaming If I try to put her down for a second. I feel lonely all the time but nights are the worst.
Dd is 9 weeks old, she was sleeping in 4/5 hr chunks at night but since her jabs last week its gone back to 2-3 hrs. She wont be put down at all which means we co-sleep and I carry her around all day, my husband does very little citing the fact I am bf as the main reason as he cant do ,uch (despite me giving him examples of things hecould do). I just feel if I could bring myself to give her some formula then I could at leastmake sure I couldleave her with my mum for a couple of hours to get a break.
I struggle to trust my husband with her as we have big arguments over leaving her to cry (I wont do it).
The pressure to breastfeed is so immense and as someone who wants positive feedback, I like all the pats on the head from the various hcp's that I am doing everything right and feel like I would be letting dd down.
I have also tried expressing, I barely get time to be able to do it inbetween feeds with someone else taking care of dd mearby whilst I do it, so exprrssing enough to be meaningful isnt really an option.
I feel like my relationship is going down the pan, we are living completely seperate lives and we cant have sex because we get no time when dd will be in her travel cot/moses basket etc. I have tried all the things like warming with a hot water bottle etc, dont work.
I love my dd to distraction, feel like I am obsessed with her, but cant get my head around being desperate for some time away from her but missing her when I am in the shower (when I get the opportunity when dh or dsd can hold her).
I dont have much support as dh's parents are both dead and mine both work full time and live in another city.
Feel like I am at my witse end, The only thing I can see i can change is moving to ff and hopefully then dh would be able to do more and dd might sleep better.
Apologies for the rant, I just want to know if anyone else has felt this way and what they have done about it, thanks

I agree that your DH needs to think about/be given a specific task each day to do with your dc. My DH used to do bath time, pjs and story, then I would take over to feed. They are now 8,6, 4 and he still supervises bath/showers. I had to do it the other day and embarrassingly didn't know how dd2 likes to have her hair washed (apparently not with the shower).

He needs to step up with dc and around the house. I have heard many men blame breast feeding for them not being able to do anything with baby. I now tell them they are unimaginative and that babies need far more than milk to grow and develop. I think you need to have a chat with him about his responsibilities.
The loneliness... Are you in contact with any other new mums in your area? Getting out, meeting a couple of mums to talk to during the day, even if it's only about the babies to start with, might lead to other social things in the near future. Can you speak to your hv about any groups they run or anything they know about locally where you could meet new people.

You do need to talk to your DH about the reasons you don't trust him with his own dc. You need to be able to trust him and for him to have your trust may mean his confidence with her grows and he learns to enjoy being with her. In turn this will give you a bit more space and opportunities to do your own thing a bit more.

I hated BF, so I'm not the most impartial commentator on that. But I don't think your problem is that your DD is EBF, it's that your husband is an arse. Sorry. If he really wanted to be involved, he would be - babies need much more than feeding, and my EBF baby was cuddled/ held / rocked/ nappies changed as much by DH as he was by me - the only thing I could do that he couldn't was feed.

I'm with Culture. The advantage of ff is that the workload can be shared more. The problem with formula feeding is that there is a greater total workload. So you may find if you switch that you just spend the 5 minutes a day that you used to have to yourself washing bloody bottles!

Our rule for early bf days is that my role was to provide the milk. Dh's role (whilst at home) was to do everything else. Both my babies were 50th - 75th centile at birth and 98 or 99th centile by 8 weeks. Greedy sods They drained me in every sense of the word. I would sit on the sofa / in bed with a baby attached stuffing cake into my mouth (whilst still losing weight - happy days!) and developing an unhealthy addiction to soap operas whilst dh sorted dinner.

I'm at exactly the same point as you OP, clingy baby bf'ing every 2 to 3 hours during day and night with odd cluster feed thrown in. I Also have a 3 year old DS who is lovely but needs lots of attention too. I have also been at my wits end as occasionally DH will work very late (past midnight) and I will have both DC all day with no break (no naps etc).

I think the difference between us is that my DH will take 9 week old once I've fed him if he won't settle during the night, this means I can go straight back to sleep. He oesn't always settle easily other, but DH perseveres because he knows I need the rest. When he has days off, he will also get up with older DS to let me focus on baby/doze in bed. He does as much housework/shopping etc. as I do, or as much as I ask him to without complaint.

Without this level of support I don't think I could have managed to work my way through blocked ducts, thrush and initial problems with latch and positioning, I can honestly say that without the help I would have started FF by now. I am very grateful but do not consider myself 'lucky' as we both chose to have a second child and we both need to muck in and get on with it. I do what I need to do and so does he... Your DH really needs to man up!

I know how you feel. Cluster feeding is really hard. It's completely fine to give formula sometimes (or frequently, or all the time) if it means you can get some rest. I handed my ds over to dh, dm, and friends of ours, along with a bottle of formula many times during weeks 3-8 and I'm ebf him now at 20 weeks, so it doesn't have to mean the end of bf, if you don't want it to be. I didn't tell any hcp that I did it because I didn't think it was any of their business, but I don't think anyone would judge you for needing some time to yourself.

I think your dh is using bf as an excuse to not do his share. Does he change nappies, get baby dressed etc? What about cooking and housework? Have you told him how unhappy you are? Wrt the smoking, is he aware of why it's important for him to wash his hands? Well done for quitting btw, you should be really proud of yourself .

Bf gets so much easier after you've got past the cluster feeding stage, so if this is what you want to do please don't think it will be like this forever.

Feeding a baby is one of the many many tasks that a new baby brings. It isn't necessary for your DH to feed your baby in order to be involved and to bond with the baby.

It happens to be a job that only you can do at the moment, but as already mentioned your DH can do many other things (nappy changes?!) for your baby. It won't be long until she is 6 months old and he can do mealtimes when you're weaning if he wants.

Keep talking to him about this, repeating what you need, and if necessary give him specific instructions and tasks to do.

Not sure if i can give any good advice, but i'll tell you what we did. We gave ds 1-2 ff/bottles a day (often 1 of them expressed if i had time). I fed at about 9pm then left him with dh till his feed at 12ish - which dh did, then brought him into me asleep about 1am. It meant i got about 5-6hrs uninterrupted sleep most nights as did dh (he would often nap 7-9pm and i would try to nap with ds in the day). Sleep took priority over everything for both of us for at least 4 months. Then at weekends we both took it in turns to nap for 2-3 hours each day and had a lie in each of 3 hours.

People said that if i combined my milk would dry up, but 1-2 feeds a day didn't seem to make any difference to my supply, but it made a huge difference to my welfare as i needed the sleep.

We also co-sleep so that makes it much easier i think.

I hope you feel better. The first 12wks are so tough.

DH has just come home absolutely steaming. i had a quick calm word with him about it not being good enough and needing more support and have banished him to spare room. Dd meanwhile has gone to sleep next to me with face nuzzled in and hand on breast, very cute.
thank you all for input, it has really clarified to me that in order to continue with ebf I need more from him, I am totally frazzled and when he does take dd for 30 mins I run round frantically trying to catch up on chores, this needs to stop.
I do know a fair few mums locally and try to get out to do somerhing everyday, I did have a traumatic birth, last minute emcs and post surgery complications so my first few weeks were limited (that said, i was in hospital for one night and was stupidly hoovering the minute I walked in, I never give myself a break).

Bf is very tough at times. But you have done enough now to have established a good supply. I would suggest you try combination feeding? Best of both worlds and the freedom is such a relief. Just do it carefully as from what you have said you still very much want to be a Bf mum. I switched the 1pm ish feed to formula at about 3 mts and wished so much I had done it sooner. I could feed baby around 8pm. Then hand him to dh and go to bed till he needed a feed at about 2 am. I was so excited to have baby off me I often would stay awake reading mags, drinking tea etc till 10pm. But the relief was unreal.

1pm feed =11pm! Bloody phone!

I felt just like you. I found BF very hard, painful and overwhelming. My DP was also pretty useless. I think the first 12 weeks felt more like 12 months. It does get better though. I also switched to combination feeding - formula at night and BF during the day, and that made a huge difference. I felt so much more positive after getting some sleep. I then had the strength to try to tackle getting DD to sleep on her own - just very gradually, definitely not by leaving her to cry. It is worth the investment in the long run, for your own sanity, but will be hard to tackle unless you are feeling stronger.
Unfortunately if your DH isn't pulling his weight it is hard to make him. And arguing about it might make you feel worse.
Definitely though don't waste time doing general chores - just focus on you and your baby. If the house is a mess then so what?!
Good luck. I really feel for you, but you will get through it.

I found BF extremely difficult and the only thing that kept me going through the first 10 weeks was the wonderful support from my DH - he was just amazing. He would sit up all night with me when I was feeding and would spend so much time hugging me, helping to attach the baby at every feed, listening to me cry and cry when I thought I couldn't go on and he was constantly reassuring me what a great job I was doing. This is what support you should be having, not crying on your own whilst DH is at the football.

Only you can decide what to do but if you feel strongly about continuing to breast feed then you need to tell your DH that you need his support and his help.

And as got him not wanting you to introduce formula if be telling him to piss off!! When he's the one dealing with the responsibility of feeding and the difficulties involved only then does he get a say.

If you want so rest then there's no harm in introducing formula, be it as a permanent switch or mixed feeding. Your sanity and mental health is so important and if BF is negatively affecting that then you have to ask yourself if it's worth it?

You have breast fed for 9 weeks which is amazing - stop focusing on what you feel you should do and start thinking about what you want to do instead.

You poor thing it's so hard at this stage. Your DH needs to be more supportive. I couldn't have fb without support from my DH, all my DS did was feed!! Nothing prepares you for it!! One thing I would say is my DS is not a great sleeper and I convinced myself it was because he was hungry so I moved onto formula... And his sleep didn't change. So totally up to you if you want to ff but I did regret my decision as it had no impact on his sleeping.

It's not bf ruining your life, it's having a small (demanding) baby and no help! Imagine you do change to formula and your DH refuses to get up in the night to feed or indeed help with any feeds - so now you're juggling a hungry baby, making a bottle and feeding etc. Not to mention if you start on a formula that doesn't agree with baby and she gets more unsettled.

Imagine if all you had to do was feed the baby and basic personal hygiene... no washing, cooking, cleaning for the family etc. Life would look much nicer and more relaxed. But obviously without cleaning fairies it isn't going to happen.

You need to find some middle ground - your DH needs to take over some household things, you need to relax about others and caring for your tiny baby needs to be the focus of both of you at the moment. Everyone's relationship has an adjustment as it goes from being all about the 2 of you to being 3.... but your baby will be more settled soon, doing more, interacting more and the shared joy she will bring will enhance your relationship.

Hang in there, it's tough going with a young baby, but it's not about the bf, it's about the support you're getting and the whole big picture shifting.

Ignore the pressure to BF. If they want to come and deal with your situation first, then let them judge. I managed seven weeks BF and I was damn proud of myself - and you've done nine!! You're amazing!!
Try mixing FF and BF. Get your DH to do two nights feeds in a row. You get some unbroken sleep and he gets the tiniest inkling of how hard it is.
And this might be a bit un-MN but I'd be fuming if DH even mentioned going out on the lash for the first few months. It's his baby too so he needs to step up!
You are doing a great job - get DH to start doing his share with the feeds and everything does start to look better with a bit more sleep

If you want to give formula you should do it and put the decision making behind you. You don't need permission to make that decision.
I personally don't think anyone will judge you. Even if you feel they do. But even if they do so what? You will face that issue many times over being a parent.
However, if you want to bf I wonder if its fair that you stop just because your DP is being unsupportive and unhelpful. Your breastfeeding does not mean he needs to go out on the piss while you stay at home. It doesn't mean he cant help around the house.
Be careful you don't swap bf (which involves sitting down and MNing) for your DP giving a bottle and you tearing about getting the place clean.
A new baby turns everything upside down, its very testing on a relationship. And the difference in the freedoms of fathers and mothers can make for lots of (justifiable) resentment.
If you have liable childcare then you could get out a bit more if that would help how you feel and either expressing or giving formula would help that. But if you don't have really good babysitting options then ff wont help you.
Is your DP likely to stay at home with the baby while you go out on the lash?

Oh good post jenny

Good luck op.

I think the issue is your partner not the way you feed your child. If he isn't helping with all the other things that need to be done then if you switch to ff you're going to have all the hassle that comes with that on your plate too. Can you talk to him when he sobers up and say specifically I need to to do a, b and c.

You've had loads of good advice here so I'm big going to add anything about dh, just a thought that I don't think has been mentioned re expressing. I found expressing really unhelpful with ds1 as it took up yet more time, but a friend recently advised expressing from one breast at same time as feeding from the other. Genius! I've not tried it yet (baby is just a few days old) but will definitely be giving it a go. It may help you too. Good luck!

If you can't get more help from Dh then mixing or switching is a good idea - serious words with Dh and then make your decision once you get past a certain point your supply is much more stable and mixing shouldn't impact it. I didn't mix feed or anything but once I got to 5-6 mths I don't think switching to mix feeding would have impacted it.

Whatever you choose will be right for you but I think your Dh is the problem - in these early months he should be doing everything else IMO and not going out getting drunk - if he has spare time he should be cleaning, cooking and taking the baby while you go for a sleep ahead of the night feeds or giving you a lie in on the weekends.

Congratulations on your lovely DD

It isn't the breastfeeding that's the problem here :(

Your useless arse of a DH is the problem. Much harder to fix, unfortunately.

However, I think you will make your life harder by formula feeding - not easier. There's much more prep etc and I can't see your DH suddenly becoming father of the year and doing it all for you. Why make more work for yourself?

Your Mum could still help out if you wanted her to, but you shouldn't be stopping bf, so your Mum can help, to let your dickhead DH continue to act like a prat. You had a baby with him, not your Mum. (I don't mean your Mum shouldn't help or that she wouldn't want to, just that you shouldn't be changing how you parent DD so someone other than her Dad can help, when he is available but too lazy to do it and your Mum isn't there through the night etc).

I know I need more support from H, we have had many discussions about it, he says the right things (sometimes) but ultimately he is very selfish and pretty lazy, and I keep telling myself I knew these things really when I married him so cant really expect him to change, I made my bed so to speak

Yes, you can expect him to 'change'. Presumably having a baby was a joint decision? Time for him to grow the fuck up. I would seriously tell him that if he can't act like a man, husband & father, he could leave - because he is making your life harder not easier.

he often waxes lyrical about how much more involved he was able to be with dsd as she was ff from day 1, however he really doesnt want me to introduce any formula, he says because he knows how set I was on bf

I'd love to get his ex's take on just how helpful he was. Not at all I suspect and IF he was (ha ha fat chance) then he has even LESS excuse because feeding the baby is one small part of things that need doing. He could be doing the other 90% of stuff. Idiot. God he's made me angry on your behalf. Of course the arse doesn't want you to ff - it would only show him up for the liar he is.

Get tough. Stop accepting this shite.

Ultimately is is your choice. If you don't want to BF, don't.

Three of my friends switched to FF under pressure from their husbands / partners who felt "excluded" by BF. The fathers gave a couple of bottles, then the novelty wore off and my friends were left alone to FF, which is more work.

Your problem is not BF, is it your DH.

Just to echo posters above - sounds like it's not actually breastfeeding that you are finding so hard. You can't do everything and breastfeed. Husband / partner does need to pick up the slack - that is a fact. Plus, I promise it gets easier. Plus, surely if you weren't breastfeeding, you're unhelpful husband would then be leaving you to do all the washing / sterilising / making up bottles? If he can't wash his hands after having a fag I'm not sure I'd want him to make up the formula.

Your husband not you're husband! Blimey.

How are you feeling today, I agree the issue is with your "D"H not pulling his weight. You need to tell him that YES newborns are bloody hard work which is why biologically we are trained to have one baby in a 2 adult committed partnership.

He needs to step up and do x y z without being asked and it is only for several more months and the sooner he does those things the happier you will all be!!