to expect people to understand why I haven't bonded

[ExpectTheVeryUnexpected]

Had my first child Aug 1st. Up until around 3 days before giving birth I didn't even know I was pregnant. (don't bother with comments on this. It's a long story but trust me - I was not ignoring the possibility, I was not ignoring signs. They were there but all had other explanations and several negative tests were done and Dr even assured me it was something else and medicated for it).....I then had very little time to wrap my head around everything and had what I would call a traumatic birth (considering the circumstances)...
....me and my dp had always agreed on not having children for at least another 10years best case scenario but neither of us had our hearts set at the moment on even doing it at that time. I have recently opened my own business and we just bought a dog - so safe to say all things considered this is a massive shock for us!!!! I'm finding it hard still to understand and will sit and stare at my daughter for hours alternating between being flabbergasted that she is mine and guilty because I smoked/drank heavily, wasn't taking vitamins etc. And feel like her low birth weight (5lb 11oz) is the result of my actions. I've never been around babies, nor has my partner. I've never fed a baby, changed a baby etc. I've only even held one a few times in the past and suddenly I'm being shown how to care for a little girl of my own and expected to know what to do with her?! I'm formula feeding because I couldn't get the latch right and lost patience with the woman trying to help me learn.......everyone who has been to see us, including our parents, are constantly commenting on how awkward we seem with her and telling us were doing these wrong when we are following advice we were given and I am sick of people telling me how magical a mothers bond is and how maternal I should be feeling and how it's strange that I seem so detached and unsure. Am I being unreasonable to expect people to understand that we have no effing clue what to do, we werent expecting this and that we need support and helping hands not judgements and catty comments?!??!?! If one more person gives me a funny look for admitting she doesn't have a name yet I am going to scream.

Oh op bless you

I didn't bond with my dc1 either but for different reasons (shit relationship with the dad, young, not ready for a baby, traumatic pregnancy, depression)

I did eventually though. You'll get there

Well that must have been a huge shock! Congratulations, a lovely name too :).

Ok, first off - this magical maternal bond - not true. In the slightest. Of course there are exceptions to the rule but these are not the majority. The majority feel like you, I know I did and I had 9 months preparation. It's about getting to know your baby, understanding what she needs and how you can help. At this point it is all about survival. Focus on a few of the million things you need to accomplish and just focus on those.

You need to learn the "smile, nod, ignore" response which is just that. You do know best, you just need to find your confidence and this will happen if you allow yourself to trust yourself.

Good luck!

Beautiful name.

I am still working it out and DD1 will be off to uni in less than 4 weeks!

Just FYI - it took me years (two?) to bond with both my girls and One was planned and the other I knew about from 7 wks pg. please don't underestimate the utter shock you will be experiencing, anyone who says otherwise is misguided. It's perfectly normal to not bond when you know from the moment of conception, never mind when you've been through what you have. You will get there xxx

First congratulations.

I loved my Ds the moment he was born, but it took time to get a bond with him it did eventually come after a 6-8 months.

Thanks so much everyone this is all so helpful. To those who asked I am 23 and have lived alone/with partner for 4 years. My mum lives nearby and has recently finished work so is popping round all hours which is probably why I have been so agitated by everyone's behaviour. She is naturally whiney but everyone else is usually supportive and sensitive so Its been a shock. I think minimising contact for a little while might be for the best like you all said while I find my feet.

Probably someone else has said this but - even being ready for a baby, with all the bits and pieces we needed, we were still told by the baby's grandparents that we were doing it all wrong. And yes, we bought the 'wrong' pram, too.

All it takes is a bit of time. You and your baby will grow together.

I'm sure you're doing an amazing job, especially under the circumstances. A lot of people who had advance warning don't bond with their babies - including me. It took me a few months. So please don't think you're not normal, and don't let anyone tell you you're not.

Best of luck and huge congrats

I knew I was expecting my first precisely 7 days after we DTD & confirmed it 5 days later with a test, had a virtually symptom-free pregnancy after the very sudden diarrhoea at around the time of implantation & a really easy labour & still didn't feel as gushy about him as I had about every other newborn I'd ever held. I was far too busy fussing about the practicalities of looking after another person 24-7 to be overly emotional about him. He's nearly 3 now & I still don't really feel it. I couldn't be without him but I'm not gushy about it. The bonding thing can be an instantaneous rush or it can take time. I'd place bets on anyone in your situation taking a bit of time to get their heads around it!

I can't believe people aren't being more supportive. If I knew you I'd be round there the minute you got back from the hospital making cups of tea & checking out gumtree for baby stuff!

Love the name. You're doing amazingly. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Wow! What a bloody shock that must have been! Congratulations on your DD though and the name you've picked for her is very pretty. :)

I didn't get that "rush of love" thing either, not with either of my boys, so I have no idea what that's all about. But I did bond with them, so it's just to say that the "rush of love" isn't particularly about bonding either!

Given your circumstances, it sounds like you are still in a level of shock - have you had a decent debrief about your birth experience? That might be beneficial for you, to really get your head around what happened, and it might help to reduce the shock. You may need some counselling, even if you think you're not that sort of person - really unusual circumstances can create the need for something you'd not normally be up for, so please consider it.

Re. your mother - take a step back and think about what she's normally like - is she normally critical of you? Of your choices, what you do etc.? If so, then she's behaving true to form and there's probably never going to be any change.
But if this is a new way for her to behave then tell her to stick it up her arse and try to help you rather than belittling you for your efforts when you didn't have the first idea what was going on - it's obviously a bit of a shock for her and everyone else too, but FGS they need to be supportive, not critical!

Glad your HV is being helpful, maybe she can direct you to some support groups, or mother and baby groups - they might not be "your thing" either, but at least you'll be among other new mothers, so you'll see that everyone with their first is just winging it - we all do, whether baby was expected or not.

I wasn't a maternal type either - barely held a baby in my life before I had my own, wasn't sure how to hold them in case I dropped them, wouldn't change a nappy if you paid me (literally, I was an au pair to twin 22mo boys and their 9yo sister for 6w and it really wasn't something I was prepared to do!) - but it does come.

Also, if you haven't been assessed for PND yet (and I expect you have because your HV sounds very on the ball) do get that checked out sooner rather than later.

I hope there's something of use in that lengthy spiel - and really, things will get better. Just tell people that aren't supportive that if they can't support you and understand then fuck off until they've got a grip of themselves.

I clicked your thread thinking "of course people won't understand, they are not you". However reading your about your unusual circumstances, I am flabbergasted that people are not more empathetic or understanding. You must still be in shock. I planned DC2 but because it happened so very quickly, I really didn't feel quite ready which did affect me, what you have gone through is thousands of times harder. Be kind to yourself and ignore the fuckwits. Good luck and congratulations!

incidentally, both my planned-for children didn't get registered with their forever names until months old.

Holy fark! And many congratulations that is one hell of a big shock you've had there.
You'll need time and space to adjust.
Don't feel pressure to love her, that will almost definitely come later.
Just do the practical things, like keeping her alive
Seriously, new babies don't need much. Milk, changing, cuddles and sleep. That's it.
That's all they need for a few months.

Could it be your mum has had a big shock too and Is panicking?

I've recently had my 4th baby. Things have been pretty fraught this time because I spent the whole pregnancy in denial.
Refused to discuss it really.
We had lost 3 babies before her, and so I think I went into self preservation mode.
Anyway, miraculously , she arrived safe and well.
But although I love her, i don't feel the bond. I forget her name. I forget if she's a boy or a girl! It's going to take time to get my head around the fact that I actually have a baby!
But I'm not stressing about it.
She's here, she's safe, she's fed and clean.
The rest will come in time.

Same will happen for you.

Congratulations again, mummy of Summer (what a pretty name)

I feel for you too.

Previous posters have summed it up really well. I was the same with my DD was born. I had never held a newborn before or fed or changed a baby. I always felt like when people were watching they were thinking that they could do it better.

It took a while but I got to know my daughter now I don't really care what people think of what I am doing. All babies are different and you have to get to know them, like Optimist1 says you gain confidence. It may take a while because of the surprise but you will get there.

Oh my goodness, what a shock! I can't imagine what you've been through.

AngryBeaver said pretty much exactly what I wanted to say, and probably better than I would have said it. :)

Congratulations, you will get it soon enough. I bet a year from now you'll be amazed at how far you've come.

Keep both ends clean and feed. The rest will come. Poor much anticipated DD, that's all she got.

Summer Emily is a lucky girl.

Congratulations OP!
But wow what an almighty shock.
Lovely name by the way.

Just hang in there, keep her clean and fed and the bonding will eventually happen.

Have you spoken to your GP since the birth? They could refer you to the perinatal mental health service. It sounds like you are in shock and could do with having someone support you through this time. I encourage you to do this.

And if your mum is undermining you so much that you want to scream at her- why not scream at her?
If she loves you she wouldn't want you to feel squashed by her. And if she's selfish and doesn't care how you feel- then you need to know this so you can distance her a bit.

You sound emotionally vulnerable and need gentle support, not criticism. It's ok to tell people this clearly.

Hugs xo

This is still such early days, and to be honest I think you're still (psychologically speaking) in shock. Some of your relatives/"friends" sound like they need a good slap (not literally, but you know what I mean). Why aren't you feeling like you "should" be. Well, what did you miss out on?

Planning/wanting to get pregnant
Finding out nice and early
Antenatal scans where you started to see your baby grow
Getting to tell people you were pregnant (in a controlled fashion)
Spending weeks reading name books, and drawing up lists, and changing your mind
Attending antenatal classes and learning about labour...and making friends...and learning about babies...
Planning your baby's room
Planning what you needed to buy/borrow/get given, and choosing what you wanted, not just what you could find in a hurry
Birth plans
Thinking ahead about feeding
And sorts of nappies
Nesting
And...actually the list goes on

Of course you're feeling seriously screwed up at the minute. You've missed out on all the usual preparation, and then people suddenly want you to act like "normal"? Give yourself a break, for pity's sake.

I wonder whether...trying to think how to phrase this. In a weird sort of way, I wonder if you're having to deal with a bereavement as much as a birth. Because you've suddenly lost the way you had planned your life. And you've lost your first baby's pregnancy. so it would be so understandable if you had some seriously mixed feelings.

I do agree that watching out for PND is very sensible. But what I think you need most is a bit of time. Time to get to know your baby. To believe you've actually had a baby. And to form a nest around her. In your way, not your mother's.

Oh wow! That must have been surreal. I had months to prepare for the baby to figure out the name and get everything in order. I can't imagine 3 days to suddenly prepare for a life changing event like that. I bonded with DD because I had 8 months to prepare for it, most people have a few months to prepare and come to terms with the fact that they're going to be parents. They're expecting you to act like a mother with 8 months of mental and financial preparation, when you've only had 3 days.

Think of it like a relationship. It doesn't happen right away. You didn't fall in love with DP right away, it's no different with a baby, and the first couple months when they're not giving any feedback like smiles or cute quirks, are the hardest. Right now you have this demanding little stranger, it's going to take time to adjust to that.

In the mean time, give yourself a break. Tell your mother to give you a break.

For what it's worth, Summer Emily is a gorgeous name, and she'll love to hear the story behind it when she's older!

Congratulations on the birth of Summer Emily. DD2 was born on the same day .

Just wanted to add my support and echo previous posters. I didn't bond straight away with DD1 (now 2.4) or feel the rush of love. And she was very much planned and eagerly anticipated. For about the first 6-8 weeks I just went through the motions of caring for her and wished I was still pregnant instead. I didn't have a clue what I was doing and hadn't changed nappies etc before either.

Keep posting here and take all the positive support you're offered (ignore the unhelpful comments of your DM et al). You've had a huge shock so maybe some counselling would be helpful too. The first weeks with a newborn are really really tough even when you've been prepared for it.

If you feel up to chatting with others with babies around the same age we have an active thread in post-natal for July 2014 babies which also covers early August. Feel free to PM me too.

Could you ask uour hv to jave a word with your mum? I remember when I had planned ds at the age of 26 I could tell my mum and mil were being very careful not to say anything that could be seen as a ceiticism so it's bad your mum doesn't get that.

lovely name btw and it will be a lovely story to tell her x

Just to say my mum didn't know she was pregnant with her third until she was 6 or 7 months pregnant. She smoked like a chimney until then and my brother turned out just fine.

She was also a science teacher

Congratulations on baby Summer. It is hard in the early days and you should keep your mum at arms length if she isn't going to be sympathetic.

Huge hugs Hun. Except not knowing you sound exactly the same as me. It took me until a year before I fully bonded with with my first dc. I was incredibly awkward. Gave up bf the same as you and switched to formula, became obsessed with gina ford as it was the only baby book who gave me some routine in my life again (though it's very restrictive). But I got through. There's nothing sweeter to me than seeing two new parents with their baby. Everyone has to learn.

What a beautiful name OP!

I second what everyone else has said and also think ou might need to minimise contact with your mother for a while until she can support rather than criticise.

In terms of practicalities, have you had a chance to meet any other new mums? I did an NCT post natal class which was great (but pricey). The children's centre also had similar schemes which were great for socialising in those early days. You'll get there together, you, DP and Summer

Go easy on yourself. I bonded with dc1 straight away but with dc2 I didn't and I felt incredibly guilty. She's 3 now and my little sidekick and my biggest fan try not to worry .

Also I was 24 when pregnant with Ds and hadn't ever even held a baby. It took us weeks to work out how you pick a baby up and put it on your shoulder to wind etc. Ds seems to have survived out complete ineptitude.

Complete sympathies here too.

I hate the way books, movies and TV give us a false sense of what it's supposed to be like when you give birth. I expected it would be that way for me too. That I'd see DS, hold him and feel this enormous rush of love and overwhelming emotion. As it goes I had a traumatic delivery, couldn't hold him for the first hour. Then when I did hold him everything suddenly felt alien and I kind of felt like he wasn't mine. Felt that way for the first two months. I felt like he was someone else's and somebody was going to come pick him up and take him back with them. I could see a beautiful baby in front of me but I just was incredibly disconnected. Then suddenly one night out of nowhere I got this crazy urge to go hold him and didn't want to let him go. Just grabbed him and cried and felt the emotions I imagine you should feel after birth. It took time to bond, he had to grow on me. It's a relationship like any other, sometimes it takes a little time to get to know one another as crazy as that sounds.

I had seven and a half months to get used to the idea of being pregnant and being a mother, I still never got completely used to it. You had three days! I can't believe your family are being so unsupportive and damn right harsh. Of course you aren't miraculously going to know what to do. Hell, even the people who read every single book going have problems when the baby is here. It's something you can never predict or plan for, try as you might. Parenting is literally just 18 years of winging it and hoping for the best.

I can't imagine the shock you're in right now. I think you need to have words with your family, make them see bloody sense... I can't see how it isn't an enormous shock to them too! They're obviously trying to help but it's coming across all wrong. and hugs. None of us know what we're doing really.