to expect people to understand why I haven't bonded

[ExpectTheVeryUnexpected]

Had my first child Aug 1st. Up until around 3 days before giving birth I didn't even know I was pregnant. (don't bother with comments on this. It's a long story but trust me - I was not ignoring the possibility, I was not ignoring signs. They were there but all had other explanations and several negative tests were done and Dr even assured me it was something else and medicated for it).....I then had very little time to wrap my head around everything and had what I would call a traumatic birth (considering the circumstances)...
....me and my dp had always agreed on not having children for at least another 10years best case scenario but neither of us had our hearts set at the moment on even doing it at that time. I have recently opened my own business and we just bought a dog - so safe to say all things considered this is a massive shock for us!!!! I'm finding it hard still to understand and will sit and stare at my daughter for hours alternating between being flabbergasted that she is mine and guilty because I smoked/drank heavily, wasn't taking vitamins etc. And feel like her low birth weight (5lb 11oz) is the result of my actions. I've never been around babies, nor has my partner. I've never fed a baby, changed a baby etc. I've only even held one a few times in the past and suddenly I'm being shown how to care for a little girl of my own and expected to know what to do with her?! I'm formula feeding because I couldn't get the latch right and lost patience with the woman trying to help me learn.......everyone who has been to see us, including our parents, are constantly commenting on how awkward we seem with her and telling us were doing these wrong when we are following advice we were given and I am sick of people telling me how magical a mothers bond is and how maternal I should be feeling and how it's strange that I seem so detached and unsure. Am I being unreasonable to expect people to understand that we have no effing clue what to do, we werent expecting this and that we need support and helping hands not judgements and catty comments?!??!?! If one more person gives me a funny look for admitting she doesn't have a name yet I am going to scream.

[MrsMook]

My friend was unaware that she was pregnant until the ambulance man suggested that her abdominal pains were labour, not appendicitis. She was at a stage in life where pregnancy was not on her radar and she carried on as normal. She had periods as usual, and a slight weight gain was easily dismissed.

Things will fall into place. Even in the best circumstances it takes time to get to know who your baby is. People can spend weeks after the birth still arguing over names, despite 9 months of warning.

Accept the support that is available. It's there to help not to judge. Children's centres often have courses for new parents to boost their confidence which may be worth looking in to. That would also create a support network of other new mums who are also wading their way through a whole new experience.

[TortoiseUpATreeAgain]

Well, on the bright side at least you've found out now rather than several years down the line that you are surrounded by very stupid people with no imagination...

[Reepits]

I understand.

Life isn't a fairytale, shit happens, it's how you deal with it that matters.

[Purpleflamingos]

Not helpful but don't beat yourself up about her weight. My dd was less than 1lb heavier than yours and I did do the vitamins and heathy eating . Have fun with choosing a name for your surprise. It feels like a big responsibility to name another person but most people let their instincts decide.

[biscuitsandbandages]

Dh and I were recently discussing how we felt about each of our 3 when they were born.

I bonded pretty much straight away but he found it much harder despite planned babies and a very hands on dad.

We have a theory that I had spent 9 months getting to know them so of course I recognised them when they came out. He only met them on the day they were born so it took a few months before he loved them. He cared for them but you cant love someone you just met.

Give yourself a break. Its a major shock and being a new mum is overwhelming for anyone. My nephew and niece went unnamed for 6 weeks. Choosing the right name is important.

[biscuitsandbandages]

And my smallest was 5lb 1oz despite being teetotal non smoker and perfect health. Perfectly healthy happy children now.

[TattyDevine]

Faaark!

YANBU!

Just hang in there a bit, this was kinda dropped on you.

It will almost definitely happen. Shit takes time.

I knew I was pregnant with my much wanted baby but the birth was shit and I was out for it (general anaesthetic) and DH out the room because of general anaesthetic, it could have been any baby, then he went to SCBU, then had feeding troubles, jaundice, yada yada.

After a few days and I was caring for him I felt a bit more for him - don't get me wrong, even the day after I had him I went to visit him and I was all full of anxiety that I didn't want something bad to happen to him (don't drop him FFS!) to dh etc, but didn't feel "love" or "connection" yet.

After a few days of me caring for him I found him interesting and kind of cute, but still just a sort of scientific experiment type interest? With a cuteness bonus. Like playing with a puppy.

Then we went home, and it was like oh SHIIIIT. Sat there a bit thinking "i have ruined my life, it will never be the same again".

Few weeks later and I just sort of got on with it, going through the motions then one day I woke up and thought, WHY ISN'T HE AWAKE YET I WANT A CUTE ATTACK!

He's 7 now and when they change the laws I will marry him.

Just hang in there!

[Whyamihere]

I remember the exact day I bonded with dd and that wasn't until dd was over 4 months old, until then I thought I'd made the biggest mistake of my life, then I absolutely fell in love with her, and I'd known I was pregnant from the begining but I did have a traumatic birth. We now have a very close and fantastic relationship (she's now 10)

You need to take one day at a time so that you can adjust to your new life, take the advice you want to and ignore everyone else, for some reason a lot of people think they are experts about babies and feel they have a right to tell you.

[anonacfr]

I fucking hate the whole maternal feelings crap.

It is not an innate thing and doesn't happen with everyone even in the most prepared of circumstances when you, well, know you're having a baby.

As for the names I know a couple who took forty days to name both their children. They waited till the legal time limit given to register the birth and then flipped a coin and picked their names. They were too indecisive.

Take your time (talk about a fucking unexpected SHOCK!) and ignore the negatives.

Congratulations btw!

[callipygian00]

It is absolutely no surprise that you feel detached, what a massive thing to try to get your head around! YANBU to expect people to understand, it looks as though all previous posters understand so you'd expect those around you would understand too, however they are probably also in shock, so may not act as they would if they had the normal 6 months to get used to the idea. I suppose they think they are being helpful by offering advice, but I think most parents on here will have stories of unhelpful advice from friends and relatives. In reality, there is no right way to parent a baby, what worked for your parents may not work for you, because every baby is different, as is every parent. Listen to their advice, try to remember they mean well and discard whatever pieces of advice you don't need. If it gets too much think about letting them know how you feel or asking for some space. And don't worry about bonding, that will happen when it happens - most parents have months to bond before birth and even then many struggle, so you are not alone there. Good luck and look after yourself too, come back and vent here when you need to.

[puntasticusername]

Oh my goodness. What a place to find yourself in! It sounds as if you're doing amazingly well. Well done and keep it up, there's a lot of support here for you - as you can see, many people have been in situations not dissimilar to yours x

[PerkyBoots]

YANBU.

Congratulations on the birth of your little girl. I have a girl with that birthday too :). She's a little character and I'm sure yours will be too.

Just relax, ignore the catty comments, find a name in your own good time and do your best. I found the first 6 weeks to be the most taxing with both, once they are complete, give yourselves a massive pat on the back.

[UrsulaTheZebra]

I didn't bond with DC1 for a good few months. I may have had PND but it was undiagnosed so it's immaterial now really, I functioned anyway. I posted on here feeling awful about not bonding, feeling like I was looking after a stranger's child, like I was waiting for someone to come to take the baby off my hands - and I would have been relieved. I felt like a freak of nature for feeling that way. I got a lot of support and reassurance from others who had similar experiences and it turned out fine, but I couldn't really imagine that would ever happen for me. Well, it took a few months but it happened and although it was a case of "fake it til you make it" we made it. Though at the time each day felt like a marathon of survival so I don't know if that's much comfort now. Things do get better.

The first three months are sometimes called "the fourth trimester", as really, babies are not designed to be outside of the womb, it's a quirk of nature that we deliver at the stage we do due to head/hip ratio I believe. Most other animals' babies are up and running from birth. Human babies have some catching up to do. Something someone said at the time stuck with me - babies are people and having a baby is like inviting a stranger into your house. Just because it's your baby doesn't mean you 'know' them. But you will get to know your baby, and she will be amazing as her personality starts to unfold and you start to get something back from this bundle of "need". You've only had 3 weeks to think of a name, most of us get months. Be kind to yourself.

[Badvoc123]

Give yourself time.
That goes for both of you!
You are strangers to each other...it will take time to read the baby's moods, interpret cries etc but it will come.
Lots of cuddles, lots of tlc for you and stop listening to idiots (however well meaning)

[TinklyLittleLaugh]

Oh gosh you poor thing, you must still be in shock.

For what it's worth DS1 was planned and longed for and it took me months to properly bond with him. I looked after him, breastfed him and gave him lots of cuddles but it was a gradual thing over a long, long time. Same with three out of my four kids, but I didn't stress with the others because I knew it would come in time.

Wishing you all the best OP, just ignore the negative people, and don't waste your headspace on guilty thoughts about smoking and drinking before you knew you were pregnant. Take your time, it will all fall into place. Take your time with her name are well. You are the family unit now, what everyone else thinks doesn't matter

[GiveMeCheesecake]

OP

I'm pretty sure NO-ONE knows what they're doing with their first baby. I had never changed a nappy or fed a baby either. But you learn. And right now you're still practising and trying to get things right, and each time you get better. Soon enough you'll be a total pro!

The people who are making these unhelpful comments are arseholes. Next time they feel like pointing out any awkwardness, tell them they know where the door is if they continue to make these negative comments.

I really feel for you OP. Remember that MN is here for advice or if you just need to offload when things feel tough.

[BalloonSlayer]

Wow! Much love and congratulations to you all.

You sound like you are doing wonderfully . . . trying to do the best for your baby like we all do.



I would add - "And feel like her low birth weight (5lb 11oz) is the result of my actions. " - well I would say it was the other way around ... you had such a small baby that it meant your pregnancy could go unnoticed, therefore you did not do the things you would have done had you have known.

[ExpectTheVeryUnexpected]

Thank you all so much for the lovely replies. have been reading and re reading for a while hence slow reply.
It has been very over whelming and I was beginning to think it was me who was wrong. We are getting lots of advice and help from H.V and midwife who are being really nice, despite me losing my temper with them a few times at first as I was struggling to wrap my head around all the info. I've been in tears most of today because my mum was Criticising the furniture bits we've got for baby so far and loudly announced she was going to buy us a new pram (got ours second hand from a friend) because ours is unsuitable we obviously don't know what we're doing. I felt like screaming at her. We were very lucky to be able to scav all the necessary bits and pieces for D.D and we are still finding bits we need and want etc. Very much a work in progress so her attitude today really got to me. We don't have cash spare to be able to buy nice new things at the minute, and we didn't have the time to research anything! She should just be grateful that we have a pram at All and not picking it apart and Criticising it.


On a brighter note - we think we have come up with a name for her we just haven't shared it with anybody yet as we are feeling to fragile for them to tear it down like everything else. I know they are probably.trying to be helpful but.they are going about it all wrong. We think we are going to call her -- Summer Emily because she was born in summer and my friend who ended up at hospital with me for birth her middle name is Emily.

[ediepop]

You poor thing, what a shock!

Please don't beat yourself up about not bonding with the baby yet. For what it's worth, DD was a much wanted and planned for baby, I knew very early on that I was pregnant, had a lovely untraumatic home water birth and I still didn't bond with her for months. I had all sorts of unpleasant thoughts in her early days, wasn't especially maternal, but I sort of faked it until I made it. She's now nearly two, and I love her to bits. You will get there, you will. Don't worry about formula feeding or not having chosen a name yet. Neither of those things matter. A name will emerge, but you are only a few weeks post partum, having had the shock of your life. Think about it again in a week or two. Look at the top 100 names and see if there's anything you like.

I am astonished about the insensitive people commenting on your awkwardness. Of course you're bloody awkward. You've had no time to mentally prepare. Ignore them. And even those of us who had plenty of time to prepare were awkward with our first. People forget what a head fuck it is giving birth.

You will be fine, in the end, but do accept any help and support you are offered.

[puntasticusername]

Congratulations on your lovely baby! And I love the name, it's beautiful

Huge congratulations, have only read part of this thread but you seem like a wonderful, strong mother x

[Cornflakesnmilk]

I love both of the names you've chosen. Good luck with it all x

[Goldmandra]

I think those are beautiful names and I'm glad you came up with something that feels right to you. That is really important considering how much you will be using them for the rest of your lives.

I struggle with the idea that a second hand pram isn't good enough. Most second children get second hand everything and most parents get lots of time to save up for those big purchases.

I think it may be time to encourage your mum to take a bit of a step back and give you some time to bond as a family.

[ediepop]

x-post. Summer Emily is lovely!

I'm not sure what is 'unsuitable' about your pram. I'm sure it's fine, and if you decide you don't like it, you can always sell it on and get a new one.

[TeaAndALemonTart]

Gorgeous name, congratulations.