to expect people to understand why I haven't bonded

[ExpectTheVeryUnexpected]

Had my first child Aug 1st. Up until around 3 days before giving birth I didn't even know I was pregnant. (don't bother with comments on this. It's a long story but trust me - I was not ignoring the possibility, I was not ignoring signs. They were there but all had other explanations and several negative tests were done and Dr even assured me it was something else and medicated for it).....I then had very little time to wrap my head around everything and had what I would call a traumatic birth (considering the circumstances)...
....me and my dp had always agreed on not having children for at least another 10years best case scenario but neither of us had our hearts set at the moment on even doing it at that time. I have recently opened my own business and we just bought a dog - so safe to say all things considered this is a massive shock for us!!!! I'm finding it hard still to understand and will sit and stare at my daughter for hours alternating between being flabbergasted that she is mine and guilty because I smoked/drank heavily, wasn't taking vitamins etc. And feel like her low birth weight (5lb 11oz) is the result of my actions. I've never been around babies, nor has my partner. I've never fed a baby, changed a baby etc. I've only even held one a few times in the past and suddenly I'm being shown how to care for a little girl of my own and expected to know what to do with her?! I'm formula feeding because I couldn't get the latch right and lost patience with the woman trying to help me learn.......everyone who has been to see us, including our parents, are constantly commenting on how awkward we seem with her and telling us were doing these wrong when we are following advice we were given and I am sick of people telling me how magical a mothers bond is and how maternal I should be feeling and how it's strange that I seem so detached and unsure. Am I being unreasonable to expect people to understand that we have no effing clue what to do, we werent expecting this and that we need support and helping hands not judgements and catty comments?!??!?! If one more person gives me a funny look for admitting she doesn't have a name yet I am going to scream.

It sounds like your mum isn't being helpful right now. Have you spoken to her about how you feel? Maybe her criticism is due to her feelings surrounding the situation? If its not possible to resolve the situation with her, maybe limit her contact for now. You need to look after yourself and baby.

There was another poster a little while back in a similar situation to you: surprise birth. Maybe worth contacting if she is still around? (anyone remember the name, I can't right now)

I'd seriously consider telling your mum upfront that she needs to back off and stop criticising you. She sounds like she's making you feel worse rather than better.

Re the pram - they're actually quite a personal thing, what one person likes the other doesn't and vica versa. Keep the one you have for now until you have had some time to settle and see what you do and don't like about it. You can buy a different one later if you want to but there's no point in doing it just now.

Yanbu
It could be though that the family are in shock too and worried about you both as its a huge thing but their well meaning advice is coming across differently to how it is intended?
You sound like you are doing very well :)

I think it must have been a shock, and no, it is not unreasonable to expect people to understand. It will be hard. But I think it will come, just have patience and you will learn to love her, bond with her, and be a great Mum.

Slightly different situation but I had very premature twins (more than 12 weeks early). They were whisked away, on the special care unit, couldn't hold them for ages (and then only when the nurses said), nurse fed them, changed them, cared for them whilst we looked on at these scraggly 2lb bundles which didn't really look like babies and we were frightened to handle / touch just because they seemed so fragile. I think (now, with the benefit of hindsight) I didn't really want to bond with them in case they didn't make it.

Long story short but I think it was just the shock. I think that's where you are now. This wasn't planned, this wasn't how you imagined your future in the short term. But you will adapt and you will love her. It just takes some getting used to.

So yes, just ignore all the people who are not understanding of your position. They can't possibly understand what you're going through unless they've been in a similar position.

Tell them to bugger off. Don't have them around if they make you feel rubbish: you've enough on as it is.

Good luck. It'll come in the end. Like many others, I found it hard enough with eight months warning! Take your time getting to know her: it takes time to fall in love and I think its the same with babies.

Lovely name btw.

Lovely names!

FWIW ds (I also have a dd) was born after dh and I had been together for over 14 years. We had always planned children so had discussed names over that time a lot. He was planned and "tried hard" for. We found out he was on his way when I was 4 weeks pregnant. We found out he was a boy at 20 weeks. And it still took us a good couple of days to think of a name for him!

It took Prnce William and Kate Middleton a similar timeframe and they only had about 4 names to choose from!

Is your mum usually supportive? Does she usually undermine your confidence or criticise you? Because if so, then it might be worth minimising the time you spend with her, or coming up with a stock phrase to chant whenever she gets on your case. Something like 'Well, everyone has to learn.' or even just 'We're fine' whenever she offers unwanted advice, so that you don't have to engage in a discussion but you're not being rude.

In fact, that could work with everyone - if someone can't understand that you're a bit shell-shocked, then they don't deserve any of your energy trying to explain to them. Just smile and ignore as you have better ways to spend your time than engaging with their negativity.

Great name. Given the reaction that you've had about other things, don't be surprised if you get crap about her name too. You sound like you are doing brilliantly. As others have said, even a planned, know about for months baby is a massive shock and struggle for many, though you may never see that as people tend to gush about how happy they are and how the day they had their child was the best day of their life.

Your mum is undoubtedly going through a whole range of emotions about this herself. I don't mean to excuse her, but this isn't going to be the normal arrival of a grandchild for her either. She does need to back off.

Congratulations on Summer Emily. It's a very pretty name.

Bloody hell lovely you've had a time of it. I was completely shell-shocked by DD's arrival and I knew she was coming for 8 months beforehand.

Hang in there. Take the support you are given and ignore the crap.

Dd was 6.3 and I didn't smoke/drink etc (which you weren't to know about). She's 2 and full of beans.

Summer Emily is beautiful! Fantastic names.

One thin i learnt after ds1 was when you have decided tell people her name. Do not ask them. It is not their baby or their choice and you are not inviting comment

Absolutely fab names though

Christ on a love - survive is about all you have to do at this stage. What an enormous shock!!

I love kids, have looked after kids since I was a kid, changed more dirty nappies by the time I was 15 than most adults do in their entire lives and would love a baby right now - but if I suddenly found myself in labour I'd be as shocked as fuck too and probably not function properly for quite some time!

Has your Mum always been so monumentally unhelpful and does she have a degree in Pointing Out The Fucking Obvious?

Honestly, the people around you are letting YOU down, you are not letting anyone down.

How old are you? Are you living with your Mum?

You have nothing to feel guilty about, nothing. As for bonding, people aren't just 'saying it' on here, loads of Mums don't bond for months and months and that's with a baby they know is on its way. Basically having one handed to you and being told you are now a Mum - head fuck on a major scale!!

You will come to terms with it, you will bond with her and in time you wont be able to imagine life without her, but don't worry about all that right now - just keep her fed (nothing wrong with formula), clean & loved... the rest will come.

PS: If it's one time you are allowed to be rude, it's now... if they are really doing your head in, tell them to STFU :)

As everyone else said, just give yourself time. DD1 was three years in the making and I didn't even start to bond with her until she was three weeks old. It sounds like you're doing a great job - if you can tell your mum how she's making you feel, do. If you can't, tell her to get lost until you're ready.

Beautiful name

3 days notice to become a parent? Bloody hell OP, I would think they would all be bending over backwards to help you adjust and cope. Criticism is insane in this situation. You should be getting support and understanding from your HV and if not I would request a different one or ask the GP for a referral for some other kind of support.

Lovely lovely name. I wish you a very happy future with your little girl, it might not have been planned but it could turn out to be the best thing ever. After all the best laid plans often go wrong. Don't feel bad about needing time to adjust to that though, I can't even imagine how I'd have reacted. Can't even imagine. for you and good luck. I'll leave any advice for others more qualified to give it.

We accepted every hand me down given to us and still do and saved a fortune. If you were near me I would give you everything we have left in our loft we made do and made the most if what we were given. It took me weeks to bond with both mine

Well dc2 has a heavily bashed up second hand pram thanks to dc1, you ask your mum to spend her money on something else you need rather than a pram as you have one. It's a nightmare to feel confident with you first baby even in the best of all circumstances, it really does get easier, you've had a massive shock. The baby's weight is good - dc1 was massively overdue and 6 lb 4 a couple of days after birth. Good luck op!

Nobody should be getting on at you. An actual baby's a bloody shock even if you've had 8 months prep.
Plenty of women don't bond in far less confusing circs so relax about that. Trauma is a huge factor in that but it usually comes in time. I didn't bond with one of mine immediately but that child is ridiculously happy and confident and very much loved.

What a gorgeous name.

Honestly can't you tell your mum to eff off? How insensitive!!!! It's a pram for god's sake.

Btw I don't mean to be rude but how old are you? Cos your mum is treating you like an immature child.

Gorgeous Gorgeous names, congratulations on your new little bundle!

Any nay sayers tell them to fark off and to say nothing if they can't say anything helpful or useful. If I had been given 3 days notice of becoming a mother I would have gone and locked myself under the stairs so you're doing well Expect.

My only bit of advice about this whole parenting lark is to take your time. Let no one else rush you in your parenting.

Many women never get that rush of maternal love that you expect.

The movies have a lot to answer for. The early days are very much focused on practicalities.

The love can creep up on you before you know it, whether it's their first smile, or holding their hand in the middle of the night, or realising that your daughter calms best with you. Sometimes it takes time for your heart to catch up. But you are loving her with each feed, each nappy change, each little thing you do for her.

And you are her mum, she has been listening to your heartbeat for months before you even knew she was there. She knows you inside and out. There will be no one like you, to her.

And one day I am sure, you will realise that there is no one like her, to you.

Until then, seek company in those who support your new family.

Even the most prepared for babies can be hard work. But sometimes the best things in life are those which come as a surprise.

My ds was a month early and 4lb3oz, born by emergency c section. Not sure if it was the sudden early arrival or ds being in special care or what bit it took me 3 weeks to feel any kind of bond and probably a couple of months to bond 'properly', and I'd had a whole planned pregnancy to get used to the idea of having a baby. Sounds like you're doing your best and it will get easier once it's sunk in properly and you start getting used to your dd and her needs. Congratulation anyway!

It sounds like your dm is the one that needs to discover maternal bonding - she seriously should support you or have less chance to criticise you - you need time to learn - non of us knew what to expect but we'd had the chance to research - so do a bit of research, get on the new mum forums which can be nice to see how others are doing it etc in a few weeks think about some baby groups. You sound like you are doing better than I would in your situation.

Maybe keep a diary of your new time in motherhood and work through your feelings or find some counselling just to tide you through what is a massive change for anyone.

Firstly congratulations. Secondly although my DC was planned and I knew very early on it's still been blinking hard so don't beat yourself up!

Beautiful name and I bet your friend will be so honoured that you picked her middle name for your DD.

I just wanted to say I didn't get that maternal rush but then I didn't get that wow when I found a perfect house or when I brought my wedding dress. Some people just don't so don't take that as a bad sign.

Try to think about your mum in the alternative situation ie you knew about pregnancy early on. Realistically would she say the same things?

As much as I love my DM she's criticised given advice on everything from our name choice, how we fed, bed time routine - you get my jist. If she can have an opinion she will. My response now is: That was your way and you raised me your way so I'm going to do the same and raise my DC my way. You are entitled to your opinions but as you made decisions about me, I shall make the decisions about DC.

Funnily since I started saying that she doesn't try it anymore.

Wow what a shock. And what a tale to tell her when she's older.

Just take it day by day, o hour by hour if you need to. Having a baby s a massive bloody shock even for this of us who were expecting one! With hindsight I didn't really bond with my first for months. But you just have to get on with doing the day to day happy changing, feeding, rocking etc until one day you'll realise that if anything happened to your child, you'd be utterly broken. That's how you know you love them.

You sound like you're doing really well OP. If your relatives can't be nice then tell them to get the hell out until they can. This is your baby, they're you're decisions.

You'll be great parents. I'm sure of it xx

Apols for my cack-handed typing. Sure you get the gist! X

Another voice to add that my DC was v planned & I took ages to bond as did DH. I genuinely felt like we'd ruined our lives. I had no rush of love, just relief it was over. As a previous poster said I also vividly remember when I fell for DC, if was 4 months too. They become so much more interactive, smiley, sleep more, feel more sturdy etc & look like an actual little person! We also had no name as we thought that when DC was born a name would suit, but it didn't! I called him the baby for ages and we picked a name but we tossed a coin in the end to choose from our final list. I also formula fed after trying desperately to BF. All is great now, things got rapidly better and at 3 DS is just amazing. Every day is something new & exciting to explore & life, although not how it was, is good. I work FT as does DH & we manage. You'll be ok, just take it a day at a time & try to get out as much as you can. Is there anyway you can see a counsellor or someone to talk things through with objectively?