Had my first child Aug 1st. Up until around 3 days before giving birth I didn't even know I was pregnant. (don't bother with comments on this. It's a long story but trust me - I was not ignoring the possibility, I was not ignoring signs. They were there but all had other explanations and several negative tests were done and Dr even assured me it was something else and medicated for it).....I then had very little time to wrap my head around everything and had what I would call a traumatic birth (considering the circumstances)...
....me and my dp had always agreed on not having children for at least another 10years best case scenario but neither of us had our hearts set at the moment on even doing it at that time. I have recently opened my own business and we just bought a dog - so safe to say all things considered this is a massive shock for us!!!! I'm finding it hard still to understand and will sit and stare at my daughter for hours alternating between being flabbergasted that she is mine and guilty because I smoked/drank heavily, wasn't taking vitamins etc. And feel like her low birth weight (5lb 11oz) is the result of my actions. I've never been around babies, nor has my partner. I've never fed a baby, changed a baby etc. I've only even held one a few times in the past and suddenly I'm being shown how to care for a little girl of my own and expected to know what to do with her?! I'm formula feeding because I couldn't get the latch right and lost patience with the woman trying to help me learn.......everyone who has been to see us, including our parents, are constantly commenting on how awkward we seem with her and telling us were doing these wrong when we are following advice we were given and I am sick of people telling me how magical a mothers bond is and how maternal I should be feeling and how it's strange that I seem so detached and unsure. Am I being unreasonable to expect people to understand that we have no effing clue what to do, we werent expecting this and that we need support and helping hands not judgements and catty comments?!??!?! If one more person gives me a funny look for admitting she doesn't have a name yet I am going to scream.
AIBU?
to expect people to understand why I haven't bonded
ExpectTheVeryUnexpected · 24/08/2014 21:53
Congratulations!
Summer Emily is a lovely name. Very pretty. I wouldn't tell anyone until you've registered her name. Then it's too late to do anything by shrug if people don't like it! 
It took me up to a year to truely bond with dd and she was much wanted. It wasn't that I didn't love her but more like I'd just been handed a small baby and had to deal with it. Now I would run over broken glass for her. She's 3.5 and a source of great delight.
Ds I did get a rush of love for. I don't love him any more than dd.
Be kind to yourselves. I remember horrible mood swigs after the dc came. You'll be ok, it will come, it will happen.
Id seriously consider telling your mum to but out too.
i spent my first pregnancy in total shock and denial i never wanted kids took precautions and then found out i was pregnant i did not bond properly with her till she was 15 months old i was clueless and scared as hell (no changes now she is 14 but we have bonded now so we are clueless together!) baby number two similar situation his dad could not medically have children so we were more than shocked when i got pregnant spent a ropey pregnancy not getting too attached as the doctors kept telling me i had miscarried i found it hard to bond when he was in nicu harder still when i got home and his dad wanted his miracle baby all day long we got there in the end and it was a struggle
number three was chosen dh still tried to take him away and look after him so i could do all the housework and look after everyone else after a little while i kicked off massively and demanded to be allowed to feed and take care of my own baby we bonded much faster and better than the others
it makes a difference as to chosen or surprised in my opinion you were surprised and you will find it hard
spend time cuddling your baby it will become natural take lots of pictures and practice this look 
when people criticize you ignore them just give them a funny look if/when they take baby off you for cuddles fuss over there position of the babys head it will reassure them you are concerned for your own child its normal and subconsciously it will make them feel better about you xx the best advice ive given anyone is fake it till you make it act like mum and it will become second nature
it will get better i promise you will be crying at the school gate on the first day of school before you know it
And I agree that is a beautiful name. Don't let anybody criticise it - if they do they are extremely rude. You're entitled to call her Princess Laydeepants Bajizzle if it suits your fancy. She is your daughter :) (Maybe you should tell them that name first, just to horrify them before revealing the real gorgeous one )
I had never held a baby, babysat, changed, fed, or winded a baby when I had my dd. (and I was 31). My life had been a total baby-free zone.
I remember admiring her in a sort of distant way. I remember being afraid I wouldn't recognise her later when the nurses took her off for a while (despite her being a 9lber + with loads of hair)...
When we brought her home I just sat there looking at her and wondering what do I do now.... It felt lonely and scary.
We got there. I found it very hard for the first year, made worse by fact dh took to fatherhood like a duck. I felt so guilty. I had pnd, couldn't get the hang of bf, emcs recovery yada yada.
She's 13 now, and we are very close, she's wonderful. We muddled along, and you will too. Congrats on your lovely dd, and I admire you for coping so well with a life-event that would rock a saint to the core. 
Dear Zeus, what you have described is one of my worst nightmares, you have every right to feel worried and overwhelmed! For what it's worth, I think you're doing brilliantly considering the circumstances.
Congratulations, it's all looking up from here!
FWIW, DS was a much planned for baby and I did not bond with him until he was nearly 2. And we did not name him until almost the deadline and then did it in a rush. My DM thought we had named him but were deliberately keeping it a secret from her .
Sounds to me like you are coping with it all very well, all things considered!. :)
It does get better when you start to feel them responding to you. Smiles are wonderful. Ignore everyone who tells you it's wind 
.
Expect I was thinking about you yesterday, and thinking what a tough time and a shock you must be having. I was remembering back to Day 3 with DD1 and bending over her moses basket sobbing (as DH looked on with fear in his eyes!) telling her that I would do my best to learn to love her. I told my Mum that if someone took her away, I wasn't sure that I'd mind. It was an awful terrible feeling. And as I said upthread, I'd been trying to have her for three years.
I hope you're feeling a bit better. As a PP said (think it was the wise Thurlow), just keep each end cleaned and fed and the rest will come.
I was also thinking, your Mum must be in a bit of shock too. I'm 37, married, and my Mum was a total pain in the posterior - I was being overprotective, too precious, was doing everything differently and wrong from how she did it. I think it takes a while for them to get their heads around us being parents.
Look after yourself
If i were you expect , i would get on line and find the most preposterously expensive pram out there , print it off and hand the details to your mother , tell her this is the only one that will do
Nothing can prepare you for the birth of a child , nothing , no amount of reading , classes or mumsnetting . Having a bit of information is of course helpful , but there is nothing to compare to the overwhelming sense of responsibilty you feel once they arrive .
Don't worry too much though , because you can make lots of rookie mistakes in these early months and they won't remember any of the them 
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