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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is sport considered part of your social life?

45 replies

dogscatsandbabies · 24/08/2014 18:59

DP plays hockey. Pre season training has started on Saturdays. When the season gets going at least 3 out of 4 Saturdays will be match day. Home games mean she's out of the house 2 and a half hours, away matches between 3 and 6 hours depending on travel. Training runs one evening a week, about 2 hours a pop.

So I'm left with 2 children (3 and 4 months) while she goes off on a social every weekend. However she says that hockey is not at all like socialising with friends and will not accept that this is comparable to a very busy social life. I used to play a decent bit of volleyball and despite the fact it was sometimes hard work, training and matches were always good craic.

So, the question is- how do you classify playing sport. Social life or other category?

OP posts:
Trills · 24/08/2014 19:03

Sport is not a part of MY social life.

I would sayt hat doing sport is doing what you choose to do, and that you and your DP should get an equal amount of time to do what you choose to do.

It doesn't need to be "social life" - some people would spend their do what you want time doing entirely solitary things.

SirChenjin · 24/08/2014 19:06

I classify playing sport as hell on earth

Not really sure what to suggest....I wouldn't like to be left on my own with the DCs that often, but there will be plenty along soon for whom it's no big deal/way of life if they have partners who work at weekends etc. There is a definite social side to team sport, but it's not really the done thing to just pitch up, play, go home - is it?

arethereanyleftatall · 24/08/2014 19:06

Social. But IMO the amount she does it, is absolutely fine. I say that because I play hockey, exactly the same amount of time. Ie one night per week training, most or half of Saturday at a match. It's also only fir about 20 weeks of the year. For me, that 70 minutes on a pitch, we're the only 70 mins a week u completely zoned out of everything else. I love it, and dh would never suggest I shouldn't do it. ( though I realised I've slightly projected there, sorry) .

Iwasinamandbunit · 24/08/2014 19:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HeySoulSister · 24/08/2014 19:12

I do lots of sport

It's a social life/ way of not being isolated
And it's essential to keeping healthy, fit and well in general

HeySoulSister · 24/08/2014 19:13

Oh, and it's also a role model for my dc to copy.... I run.... No, sorry, WE run. My teens come with me sometimes. We are a fit family and are rarely ill/sick.

Original poster
dogscatsandbabies · 24/08/2014 19:16

Arethereanyleft you've kind of hit the nail on the head, if at a funny angle! I don't want her to stop playing hockey, I think it's quite beneficial for our girls to see that regular exercise is a normal part of life. But I don't get 70 mins a week to zone out because we can't both play sports on Saturdays. So I go for coffee with friends instead, with kids in tow and definitely not every weekend!

OP posts:
magicalmrmistofelees · 24/08/2014 19:16

It's definitely 'social'. My DH plays rugby, he has training 2 nights a week and when the season starts he'll have a match on a Saturday. I'm perfectly happy with this; he loves it. However id be pretty annoyed if he claimed it wasn't 'fun' or 'social' and wanted to go out with friends 3 times a week too. I'd never see him. Is she suggesting it is more akin to work or a chore?

I go to the gym 3 times a week. Although not particularly social as I don't talk to anyone, I definitely consider it 'me time'.

Original poster
dogscatsandbabies · 24/08/2014 19:21

Apparently training is bloody hard work and they don't get to talk to each other therefore not social!

OP posts:
mandy214 · 24/08/2014 19:22

In my opinion, thats "me" time however you want to define it. She is doing something that benefits her and whilst it probably keeps her sane, it only works if thats "agreed" as a family. I dont mean that she necessarily needs your permission but its about making a decision as that fits in with your family, whether you get a similar amount of "me" time, and if you both get the best part of a day off most weekends, how does that work for family time?

MrsTerryPratchett · 24/08/2014 19:23

It comes under 'self care' in this house. You also need time for self care, whatever that looks like to you.

trixymalixy · 24/08/2014 19:25

I play tennis for a club. I would classify a it as a hobby rather than social.

We have quite an equal arrangement where I play tennis Tuesday and Sunday nights although that changes when there's matches and DH does his hobby Monday and Friday nights so we're equal.

trixymalixy · 24/08/2014 19:26

although DH has tried to classify his hobby (renovating our classic cars) as equivalent to a household chore before! He didn't get very far with that though.

Fairenuff · 24/08/2014 19:26

But I don't get 70 mins a week to zone out

You should get the same free time as her as much as possible. What she chooses to do with her free time is up to her, what you choose to do is up to you.

thewildrover · 24/08/2014 19:27

DH and I both do a lot of sport but it very much fits around our family life and not the other way round.

At the weekends we have an early morning each to get our sport out of the way then we have family time from 10ish each morning.

Team sports are different and far less flexible.

I think your DW is taking the piss.

lampygirl · 24/08/2014 19:28

I'd say it depends on the level. I play at club level and the training is decent and hard work but has the social pub/food element after games, over the summer time off I also play recreationally (non-league) and that is deffo more social based. I've just been away on a national team training camp and that was harder work than a day job, more full on hours with lectures, training, gym work and games. That deffo wasn't social.

Original poster
dogscatsandbabies · 24/08/2014 19:30

Mandy- I think that's the crux of the problem for me. She says that she would happily look after DC so I could play an equal amount of sport but then we would really spend no time together as a family.

The thing is, I don't want the situation to change. She should keep playing hockey and I should not start playing volleyball again. But she should realise that leaves the balance a bit off and at least, oh god I'm THIS woman, be a bit grateful! Ok, yes I'm BU about that.

OP posts:
thewildrover · 24/08/2014 19:30

Oh, hang on, if it's only 70 mins a week then I think YABU and just need to claim back 70 minutes a week for yourself.

Is it 70 minutes a week (perfectly reasonable) or between 2.5 and 6 hours 3 weekends out of every 4 (less reasonable when you have such young children)?

arethereanyleftatall · 24/08/2014 19:37

How would you spend no time as a family? Do you both work lots of hours, more than a usual amount? A few hours off on one weekend day, for half of the year, isn't that much IMO.
In our house, we alternate evenings (once kids are in bed so no effect on family time) to train. Then half of sat, half of the year, is my hockey match; the other half is family time. Dh plays golf every Sunday morning early, sun avo family time. Works for us.

Ilovexmastime · 24/08/2014 19:38

I agree with are thereanyleft for exactly the same reasons!

It's not all year round though, so could you agree that on the Saturday's that she's not playing hockey you get some me time? This is what happens in our house. I play hockey during the winter, and DH plays cricket on Saturdays in the summer.

Also, if I don't play for a while for whatever reason, DH will encourage me to go back to it as I'm a much more relaxed person when I've played sport and taken all my frustrations out on a ball and not him!

GlaceDragonflies · 24/08/2014 19:40

Yes, a massive part of it - all of my friends are from sports clubs.

Hulababy · 24/08/2014 19:40

It can be socia life, or it can just be exercise.

But either way it is "me" time, or time to do something you want/choose, away from the home.

So, you should both get that amount of time to yourself - how each of you choose to spend that time should be up to you.

I would hate DH to be doing a sport most weekends as it just means we'd never/hardly be able to go and do something; it just wouldn't work for us as we are away too often at weekends - I wouldn't want that to be different. We always avoided DD doing anything regularly on a weekend day too for this reason.

Phineyj · 24/08/2014 19:44

It all depends if you get to pursue your interests for a roughly equal amount of time. It doesn't have to be equal every week, but if you are basically a hockey widow during the season, you should get (for instance) a week away to do your own thing when it's not hockey season. DH has stepped right back from his sport since we had DD, and I have to cut back on my hobbies too. He is a lot less fit now though. However, I don't think one partner getting all the child free time is likely to lead to a happy relationship.

mandy214 · 24/08/2014 19:44

I agree. I did the london marathon last year and for 4 months, I was running 3 weekdays (early morning or late at night) and one long run every sunday (at least a half day when you factor in shower etc). My Hlooked after our 3 children during that time, did more of the chores, kiddies parties etc. If he'd have had the same amount of time for him at weekends, we wouldnt have done much as a family. But when everyone was congratulating me when I'd done it, I made it clear thatvit was a family effort - I couldnt have done it without H's support. I was really appreciative. If your partner isn't grateful, and expects to this season after season then I think you are not BU.

MammaTJ · 24/08/2014 19:47

Definitely social. My DP plays rugby, but I enjoy the social aspect of it too and go and watch mostly the children, as they need keeping an eye on and have a couple of cheap drinks in the bar too.

I get to go to the gym quite a bit and to slimming world, but this is in pursuit of massive, much needed weight loss. DP supports this 100%.

I think you should squeeze a little something just for you in to the week somewhere.